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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25552684">Tarde venientibus ossa</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyranonic/pseuds/cyranonic'>cyranonic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Hallucinations, Heavy angst with happy ending, Infidelity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, nonbinary Byleth who is also a total weirdo anarcho-socialist with a hundred cats, spending too much time deciding everyone's college major</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:13:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>82,543</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25552684</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyranonic/pseuds/cyranonic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd. His former best friend. The unspoken, unacknowledged ghost of the long dead group chat. </p>
<p>The one who had ruined everything. </p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Five years after college, Felix attends his reunion. The inevitable tides of fate (or maybe just Dedue) push him back into the orbit of the person he's been trying to forget.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>338</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>255</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>‘Plans for next weekend?’</em>
</p>
<p>The text from Annette lit up Felix’s phone as he shrugged his clothes on after a quick shower. The locker room was dark and humid. He had only bothered to turn on one of the lights since he was the only person in there and so the glow of his phone screen was the brightest light in the space.</p>
<p>He’d been at the gym for hours, first teaching an all ages martial arts class, then a few personal training appointments, and finally his own workout, and all he wanted was to get back to his apartment and sleep. Training usually helped him center, soothed his emotions, but the text from Annette had sent an unexpected spike of anxiety through him that he didn’t want to examine. </p>
<p>
  <em>‘Reunion.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix sent the text back and Annette immediately responded with a frowning emoji.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Yes, reunion!!! 5 years!!! Mercie and Ashe and I will finally be in town again and we want to see everyone!’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>Felix honestly hadn’t thought much about the reunion since Sylvain had persuaded him to pay the fee and officially register for the event.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like he’d gone far from Garreg Mach, and most of his college friends were still in the city too.</p>
<p>Sylvain lived a short subway ride away in his brownstone, making ridiculous sums of money with whatever financial advisor gig he’d managed to network his way into (Felix had often considered telling Sylvain’s clients that their economic expert had ended college with a degree in dance performance).</p>
<p>Ingrid lived uptown with her insane roommates and usually met up with Felix on the weekends to complain frantically about her work hours and her student loans.</p>
<p>Dedue lived somewhere fancy Felix had never visited now that he made law firm money, but he still showed up dutifully whenever Sylvain threw some weird artist party that inevitably devolved into an orgy.</p>
<p>The three of them would go on a takeout run when it got too awkward and once they came back, Sylvian was usually either distracted with a good time or drunkenly crying about his dad and in desperate need of fried food.</p>
<p>As for their friends out-of-state, Annette and Mercedes usually visited a couple weekends a year whenever Annette could spare time away from medical school and Mercedes wasn’t scheduled at the clinic where she worked. Ashe tried to skype in whenever any of them were hanging out in a group capacity and Dedue occasionally mentioned Ashe calling him separately in between that.</p>
<p>So, it wasn’t like Felix didn’t regularly see his GMU classmates, or at least the ones he’d cared to see. Sylvain had made the point that reunion would give them the opportunity to make judgmental commentary on their other acquaintances, or give them the chance to verify who was lying through their teeth on their social media, but that held little appeal to Felix.</p>
<p>In the end, the deciding factor had been the professor. Felix would pay the stupid fee and go to the stupid mixer for a chance to see Professor Byleth again.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Felix! Don’t leave me on read!’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix sighed as his phone buzzed again. He pulled his hair up and sat on the bench to compose a reply to Annette.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Fine. Plans. We go to reunion. Get dinner. Afterparty at Sylvain’s since he has a real house.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix had no idea why Annette wanted him of all people to plan the social calendar. Back in college, she had usually been the one who planned game nights and movie watching while Sylvain was responsible for anything they did outside of campus. He saw no reason to change that now.</p>
<p>His phone showed that Annette was typing a reply, her response long or hesitant by the way the dots appeared and disappeared.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Do you think I should message the old group thread?’</em>
</p>
<p>Felix set his phone down and rolled his shoulders, muscles aching and already beginning to stiffen after the shower.</p>
<p>He should have known that was what she had really been worried about. His instinctive response was to throw the phone in his bag, go home, go to sleep, let the battery run down, and send a short apology in a week for not responding.</p>
<p>But, he thought with a sigh, pushing still-damp hair out of his eyes as he rubbed them, that was why he sat in his apartment on Tuesday afternoons and did video therapy with the camera turned off and the blackout curtains closed.</p>
<p>And the voice of the disembodied psychologist coming through his laptop speakers would probably tell him that he was responding defensively to protect himself from traumatic memories.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Don’t know.’</em>
  
</p>
<p>Felix finally replied and then finished packing up his bag and pulling on his shoes so he could leave.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like they hadn’t created other group conversations. Felix had plenty of ongoing threads with different subsections of his friends.</p>
<p>Ingrid liked to text him and Sylvain updates about her nonprofit work, her constantly shifting cast of crazy roommates, her terrible apartment she insisted was economical and not that hard to get to despite being an hour on the subway from him.</p>
<p>They had threads with Dedue which were mostly coordinating dinner meetups and the occasional article about upcoming rallies or petitions.</p>
<p>Felix was pretty certain there were many group threads he lurked in the background of and periodically got annoyed with and turned off notifications.</p>
<p>But the old group thread was different.</p>
<p>He had probably changed his number, of course, so it probably wouldn’t matter. Annette should just make a new conversation, honestly, if she wanted to plan.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Just make a new group text.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix typed the reply as he walked out of the locker room, but didn’t press send.</p>
<p>It was late and the gym would only be open another hour. A few last patrons were finishing up on treadmills, but other than that, it was quiet.</p>
<p>Five years, Felix thought as he headed for the door and waved curtly to the front desk. Time didn’t seem to mean as much out in the adult world.</p>
<p>Before, his life had been measured in yearly advancement through the expensive schools his father had paid for. And, of course, their other unspoken measurement. Years without Glenn.</p>
<p>It would be nine, now.</p>
<p>But the past five years felt like a blur. He worked an ever-changing schedule at the gym. He went out on the weekends, or sometimes he stayed in and violently disemboweled video game opponents until his eyes were sore and his fingers shook. He called his father every other Monday night, another reason for the video therapy with the camera off every Tuesday.</p>
<p>But for the most part, he was by himself.</p>
<p>Felix didn’t particularly mind being alone. It felt more natural than his years at GMU, constantly inundated by Annette panicking over assignments or Ashe scheduling another short-lived D&amp;D campaign or Mercedes dropping by with treats or Sylvain’s bar crawls or half-starved Ingrid shamefully begging him for an extra swipe at the dining hall since her family hadn’t paid for the full meal plan.</p>
<p>Even though they’d all ended up majoring in different things, his group of friends had been tightly knit ever since their unforgettable freshman seminar with Professor Byleth.</p>
<p>The professor was actually in the philosophy department and they were one of those truly baffling eccentrics who seemed to spring up in academia. Shaggy haired, sometimes wildly unprofessionally dressed, quiet to the point of somnolence, and often found wandering campus in search of stray cats to feed. That was Professor Byleth for you. </p>
<p>Felix had gone to GMU under protest, still furious with his father for paying the tuition and deeply ashamed as he watched Ingrid struggle with her loans and Ashe scrape by with scholarships. He had been determined to major in something utterly useless and ended up graduating with a degree in Classics, which seemed to do the trick, but it had mostly been because he kept taking Byleth’s seminars on Neo-Platonism and the Stoics and Gnosticism.</p>
<p>Felix stepped outside into the cool spring air of the city.</p>
<p>This was what he’d been afraid of. Reunions brought back memories.</p>
<p>And for his particular group of friends, however much they cared for each other and still tried to look out for each other, not all of the memories were welcome.</p>
<p>The city by night was still brightly lit. Felix lived only a fifteen-minute walk from the gym and he turned to set off in that direction, idly wondering if he should stop at a corner market to pick up more coffee for the next morning.</p>
<p>His mind was so caught up in the inane planning of adult life, he nearly walked past the man approaching the gym, and it was only by chance that Felix looked up and caught a glimpse of his face.</p>
<p>Pale blonde hair, long, tucked underneath a black knit hat and bangs falling over his face. One grey-blue eye visible. The other… not visible. Partially obscured by the hair, but clearly under a patch.</p>
<p>Felix froze.</p>
<p>He wore black joggers and a grey sweatshirt, the kind of unlabeled and ambiguous outfit to disappear in. He was tall, still broad-shouldered, but too thin by the way his clothing hung from his bones. His skin was paler and he’d lost the glow of summers spent training for soccer season. There were dark bags under his remaining eye, showing up as bright as a bruise.</p>
<p>And then he looked up and their eyes met.</p>
<p>Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd. His former best friend. The unspoken, unacknowledged ghost of the long dead group chat.</p>
<p>The one who had ruined everything.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Dimitri said softly, recognition dawning on his face. “I--“</p>
<p>He seemed not to know what to say. Felix felt much the same.</p>
<p>What does one say to the man who used to be his closest friend, then went completely insane, got expelled from college, and charged with attempted murder halfway through their senior year?</p>
<p>“What are you doing here?” Felix asked and it came out more harshly than he’d intend. Dimitri took a step back and gestured over Felix’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“I-- I’m sorry,” Dimitri apologized nonsensically. His voice was a bit deeper, or a bit rougher. Hard to tell. “Dedue recommended that I try the gym here and…”</p>
<p>“The gym where I work?” Felix said through gritted teeth, beginning to smell a set-up. “He told you to come here?”</p>
<p>Dimitri took another step back and pulled his hat further down, as though he was trying to hide his face beneath it.</p>
<p>“I wasn’t aware, I’m sorry, I should go…” he started to say, but Felix cut him off.</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Felix said, his voice still pricklier than he wanted it. “Dedue would have known I work here.”</p>
<p>“He told me I should try joining a gym,” Dimitri said, pressing his lips together. “To practice being around people without having to talk to them.”</p>
<p>Felix snorted with faint amusement. His pulse was still pounding and he hoped his face wasn’t turning red. The shock of the moment made him feel slow and disoriented.</p>
<p>“Are you here for the reunion?” Felix asked and then immediately felt like an idiot.</p>
<p>Was Dimitri here for the reunion of the school he’d gotten expelled from after attacking another student and cutting his own eye out during some kind of psychotic break?</p>
<p>“No, no,” Dimitri said, thankfully not mentioning the absurdity of Felix’s statement. “I live around here.”</p>
<p>“So, you’re in the city?” Felix finally made himself say. </p>
<p>“Yes,” Dimitri replied.</p>
<p>“How long?” Felix asked.</p>
<p>“Four years,” Dimitri said very quietly.</p>
<p>Four years. So essentially ever since they’d released him from court ordered residential treatment.</p>
<p>Felix stared at him in silence for another moment. He didn’t look well. But he didn’t look… he didn’t look like the last time Felix had seen him. He’d visited the residential treatment center with Dedue once. And before that, he’d seen plenty of pictures on the news from that last day at GMU.</p>
<p>Reporters had waved photos at him everywhere he’d went until his father started threatening to press charges. Dimitri with the knife and that smile on his face. Dimitri with blood running down his cheek.</p>
<p>The questions were always the same. Why had he done it? What had made him snap?</p>
<p>Had he always been crazy, or had he just been crazy since the crash that had killed his senator father, his diplomat step-mother, oh, and some other <em>random</em> teenager who was riding along?</p>
<p>How could Felix have not noticed him going crazy? Weren’t they close friends?</p>
<p>But this Dimitri looked… well, at least under control.</p>
<p>“People are going to be in town,” Felix blurted out and immediately regretted it.</p>
<p>“What?” Dimirti asked, his brows knitting in confusion. The patch that covered the remains of his eye shifted and Felix couldn’t help but stare.</p>
<p>“For the reunion,” Felix continued, almost breathless. “Annette. Mercedes. Ashe. You should come.”</p>
<p>Dimirti looked shocked into silence.</p>
<p>“I don’t… I don’t think that would be appropriate,” he finally said. “I don’t want to distract or upset anyone.”</p>
<p>“Just come to dinner,” Felix said, still not entirely sure why. “Or get a drink.”</p>
<p>“Felix,” Dimitri sighed and the word and tone was suddenly so familiar it made Felix flinch. “It wouldn’t be right and I don’t think I’d be welcome.”</p>
<p>“Your phone number then,” Felix said. “I doubt anyone but Dedue knows yours anymore. At least give it to me, in case.”</p>
<p>“In case?” Dimitri frowned.</p>
<p>“In case you change your mind,” Felix said, holding out his phone, already open to contacts.</p>
<p>Dimitri looked down at the phone, his hands pressed deep into his pockets. Then he reached out and hesitantly took it, typed a few numbers with clumsy fingers, and handed it back.</p>
<p>“Gym is about to close,” Felix said, glancing towards the door. “But it’s a good one. Rude trainers, though.”</p>
<p>“I should head home,” Dimitri bit his lip. He had hardly made eye contact with Felix once since their initial moment of recognition. “I apologize again.”</p>
<p>“For what?” Felix shrugged. “This is a Dedue scheme, right? He’s the one who set this up.”</p>
<p>“I’ll warn him to take cover,” Dimitri said, a pitiful half smile twitching his lip. Again, it was so familiar, it seemed impossible that anything had changed between them at all.</p>
<p>Dimitri raised his hand and turned away, walking quickly away into the night.</p>
<p>Felix stood and watched until the last two patrons of the gym were slipping past him and his co-worker was locking up. He took out his phone and sent one last text to Annette.</p>
<p><em>'Hold off on group text</em> <em>for next weekend until I check something. Sorry. Fuck.'</em></p>
<p>When he got home to his apartment, Felix left the lights off and slid into bed with only the pale blue light of the phone to guide him. He tossed around in his sheets for a few minutes, mind racing with imagined conversations.</p>
<p>Finally, he rolled over and sent a text.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Hey. Just wanted to see if you gave me a real number.’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Sorry it’s late. You usually stayed up late.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix put his phone down, screen facing down now so he could actually try to sleep. A few seconds later, it buzzed against the table.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘It was my real number, and I still do tend to keep late hours, do not worry.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix let out a scoffing laugh into the silence of his dark bedroom. It was such classic Dimitri to text like he was writing a formal letter. His phone buzzed again, a final message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘It was good to see you.’</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The bane of every self-indulgent FE3H modern AU: George Mason University.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You’re kidding.”</p>
<p>Ingrid’s voice was flat as she stared at him, liquid egg yolk dripping steadily onto her plate. “You’re sure it was him?”</p>
<p>“Blonde. One eye. Knew my name,” Felix replied irritably. He’d debated telling Ingrid about the encounter at their traditional weekend breakfast meetup. It would be easier if she knew, she had the right to know, but he felt an odd compulsion to keep the sudden reappearance of Dimitri private.</p>
<p>“Wow,” Ingrid said after a few long blinks. She seemed to realize her egg yolk was escaping and took a short break to shove more of the sandwich into her mouth.</p>
<p>Technically, Sylvain and Dedue were invited to the weekend breakfasts, but Sylvain never made it out of bed before noon on weekends and Dedue could be aloof about more casual social plans. Ingrid always showed though. The girl loved breakfast.</p>
<p>“So, what do we do?” Felix asked, picking at his own skillet bowl without much interest. “What do you think about it?”</p>
<p>Ingrid gave him an appraising look. She’d always had the uncomfortable ability to sense when Felix was being evasive because he didn’t understand his own emotions well enough to voice them.</p>
<p>That was the penalty for knowing one another for so long, although when they were kids, she was usually trailing heartsick after Glenn and mostly ignoring whatever boyish nonsense Felix and Dimitri were getting up to.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe he’s essentially been our neighbor this whole time and Dedue never said a thing,” Ingrid said, her cheeks growing a little flushed. “I mean, I understand respecting privacy, but this is extreme. I feel… upset. And nervous. But I would like to see him again. At the very least, I think we all need some closure or some understanding.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Felix replied, crossing his arms over his chest while Ingrid waited expectantly. The voice of his therapist from the laptop speakers would probably remind him at this point that he was shutting off all vulnerability by refusing to even experience his emotions. “I feel the same.”</p>
<p>Ingrid’s face softened slightly at the as she finished licking egg yolk from her fingers.</p>
<p>“How did he seem?” she asked. Felix shrugged.</p>
<p>“I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, I work at a gym,” he said in a hard tone. “I guess not great, but not…”</p>
<p>Not delusional? Not paranoid? Not violent? Not totally deranged? Not whispering to himself and cuffed to his belt for safety because he kept rubbing the bloodied remains of his eye?</p>
<p>“He seemed lonely,” Felix finally settled on.</p>
<p>“I sometimes wonder if the Dimitri we went to college with was even real,” Ingrid admitted. “Or if everything after Duscur was just an act.”</p>
<p>If everything after Duscur had been an act, nothing but the psychotic killer biding his time, then what was the point? After the car bombing, Dimitri had spent a few weeks catatonic and silent to the point where no one knew if he actually did have brain damage despite what the scans showed.</p>
<p>But slowly, he’d come back. He had to have come back a little.</p>
<p>“Couldn’t be,” Felix said, “no one could pretend to like that many boring political podcasts for so many years. Or get that upset over losing Settlers of Catan. Or have actual apology flowers delivered after throwing up at a frat party.”</p>
<p>Ingrid laughed. The memories stung in the painful way of all Dimitri memories. All of the sweetness was tainted with the inevitable conclusion.  </p>
<p>Felix grabbed the checks and starting putting his card out to pay. Ingrid moved towards her wallet, but he shook his head.</p>
<p>“I picked the expensive healthy place, so I pay,” Felix scowled. Ingrid nodded, but her hands curled into anxious fists. “You’ll get me back once you cram a fourth roommate into your horrible apartment and split the rent better.”</p>
<p>The subject never failed to launch Ingrid into an irritated diatribe about shoes left out in the living room and milk stolen from the fridge and erotic moaning at seven in the morning when she was trying to leave for work. Felix let the conversation slip into comfortable territory while he pulled out his phone to check his messages.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Still a real number?’</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Yes, I haven’t changed it since last night.’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Thought about it, though?’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Maybe. But I won’t.’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Great, so now is a good time to sell you on religious causes and investment opportunities?’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>… </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘You’d be exploiting a person the state still deems mentally unfit to handle his own finances. So do your worst.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix put his phone down again.</p>
<p>“What are you smiling at?” Ingrid asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>--</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Several years prior, Sylvain had decided to schedule a personal training appointment with Felix under the guise of spending more quality time together. Felix had been angry at first.</p>
<p>Sylvain had been trying to buy his attention, he’d thought, when Felix was perfectly willing to do it for free. He might not have his old man’s money anymore, but he was doing fine and did not need charity from Sylvain.</p>
<p>But after a while, Felix had come around to the idea that it was sort of nice.</p>
<p>If Sylvain was paying him, he had free reign to train him as brutally as he deemed fit. The dissolute artist lifestyle was clearly not conducive to the rippling abs Sylvain coveted. Dance performance required core strength only Felix could impart.</p>
<p>During their college years, Sylvain had flitted carelessly between majors, but a first-year infatuation with a girl named Dorothea had led him into the arms of the theatre and dance department. At first, Felix was certain Sylvain was only doing the productions because he enjoyed the female attention being one of the only compatibly oriented men around could bring him.</p>
<p>Sylvain had never needed to worry about making money after college, unlike Ashe who had agonized over his English major. As long as Sylvain kept himself out of trouble and completed some sort of degree, he would get his trust fund.</p>
<p>Miklan’s mistake had been failing to keep his grades up while he pivoted his focus to dealing opiates. Felix knew that still messed with Sylvain’s head. For all his charm and bravado, Sylvain Gautier was always waiting for the moment when he too would be cast aside.</p>
<p>So Felix let Sylvain pay him for his company and hoped that one day, Sylvain would trust him enough to stop.</p>
<p>“One more set and--“ Felix began, but Sylvain flopped down onto the mat in defeat and shook his head.</p>
<p>“No more,” he panted. “I’d like to be able to actually use my legs, thanks.”</p>
<p>Felix handed him water as he groaned and spread his arms out.</p>
<p>“So, did we do it? Am I going to be glow-up goals all reunion weekend?” Sylvain asked after spraying water all over his face while trying to drink.</p>
<p>“Well, you wrote down ‘Adonis’ and ‘The Rock’ under your fitness goals, so you’re probably not there yet,” Felix said dryly. “But you look literally exactly the same as you did five years ago, so I wouldn’t worry.”</p>
<p>“I hope Dorothea comes to reunion, I always felt like we missed our shot, you know?” Sylvain sighed, beginning to stretch. “Or who was that guy who always sold us weed? Do you think he’ll show?” </p>
<p>“If you mean Yuri LeClerc, he wasn’t even a student, Sylvain. He just lived near campus with his terrifying giant boyfriend and dealt drugs to students,” Felix grumbled. He wanted to yell at Sylvain for being more exited for possible romantic conquest that seeing his actual friends, but knew it would be pointless.</p>
<p>“What can I say? A hot twink and a hot bear need a hunk to complete the circle,” Sylvain shrugged.</p>
<p>“You are so… frustrating,” Felix said, rearranging Sylvain into his next stretch with a harder grip than he intended.</p>
<p>“What has you so grumpy?” Sylvain asked. “I thought I’d persuaded you it would be fun to go and see the professor. Plus, we’ll have Annette and Mercedes and Ashe back. You and Annette can go nerd out about those pretentious bands you like, and Mercedes can invite you to her morning yoga meditation so you can pretend to hate it, and Ashe can tell you which anime characters you remind him of! Haven’t you missed that?”</p>
<p>Felix looked down at Sylvain, grinning up at him so easily.</p>
<p>It was hard with Sylvain sometimes. Felix could be too harsh and Sylvain was too good at pretending he wasn’t fragile. Sometimes they could hurt each other worse than any other friend could.</p>
<p>“I saw Dimitri,” Felix finally admitted. Sylvain laughed nervously and then went silent when Felix did not reveal he was joking. “He lives in the city.”</p>
<p>“Shit,” Sylvain said after a few moments. His smile was faltering.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know until this week,” Felix added quickly, knowing Sylvain might assume the worst, that all of his friends had elected not to tell him, specifically. “I think Dedue was the only one he was still in contact with.”</p>
<p>“Makes sense,” Sylvain nodded. “Does he, um, does he want to see the rest of us?”</p>
<p>Felix wasn’t sure if he knew the answer to that.</p>
<p>“He said he didn’t want to disrupt the reunion,” Felix said, “that it wouldn’t be ‘appropriate.’”</p>
<p>Sylvian laughed a short puff of air from his mouth.</p>
<p>“Appropriate, huh?” Sylvain said. “So, he’s still himself. I wonder how he’s managed to be in the city all this time without media catching on? It’s not like his face isn’t recognizable.”</p>
<p>Dimitri had been recognizable his whole life. The Blaidydd name carried enough weight that people paid attention to him even as a child. Then, of course, the Duscur incident had plastered his face across every paper in the country.</p>
<p>‘Senator and diplomat and family friend’s teenaged son all killed in a car bombing: Duscur extremist group takes credit.’ Dimitri’s uncle had rushed him back home as quickly as he could, but the media had already converged on the upstate family mansion.</p>
<p>Then, of course, there had been the speculation. How would an organization from Duscur have gotten access to the senator’s schedule to know where to plant bombs? It seemed impossible, unless... The estate’s gardener had been from Duscur originally, after all.</p>
<p>After the poor man had been causelessly hounded for a few months, he had hung himself in the garage, leaving his young son in the care of the state until Dimitri’s uncle had made either a brilliant PR move or a blatant pandering attempt to save face and adopted Dedue Molinaro himself.</p>
<p>At GMU, Dimitri had hated getting recognized.</p>
<p>Apparently, it hadn’t been enough to stop him from having an extremely public mental breakdown and giving himself a permanently noticeable facial disfigurement in the process.</p>
<p>“Well, I guess, if you can, remind him that I’ve never been very ‘appropriate,’ myself,” Sylvain said, as carefree sounding as ever. Felix knew better than to buy it. “He should come over. If he wants.”</p>
<p>“I don’t like this,” Felix grumbled as Sylvian finished his stretched and stood up. “I didn’t sign up for being some sort of… go between. I’m shitty at it."</p>
<p>“Dedue has apparently chosen you,” Sylvain shrugged. “Maybe he figured if you didn’t tear the guy’s head off, the rest of us weren’t likely to?”</p>
<p>“I’m absolutely going to have words with Dedue as soon as he stops dodging my calls,” Felix snapped. “And I wouldn’t… I’m not…”</p>
<p>He struggled for the words.</p>
<p>I’m not such an angry asshole anymore? I’m not a constant live wire of repressed trauma?</p>
<p>“I can be civil,” he finally spat out.</p>
<p>“Sure you can, Fe,” Sylvain said fondly, patting him on the shoulder. “That’s your glow-up.”</p>
<p>Felix ignored that. When Sylvain left, he checked his phone in the locker room.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Checked with others. They want to see you.’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>He sent the message and waited. A reply never came.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>--</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning, he finally got a reply from Dedue. Dedue liked to send him voice memos, which was obnoxious, but also annoyingly hard to complain about when Dedue gently reminded him about the constant surveillance of contemporary smartphones.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Felix. I apologize if it seems like I was manipulative. It was not my intention. I did not tell you about Dimitri’s presence in the city out of respect for his privacy. I assure you that he has made great progress and poses no threat to any of us. Recently, he expressed guilt related to overburdening my capacity as a friend. While I do not see it that way at all, I wanted to assist him in making more social connections and since the two of you share a history, I thought it might be important to start there. If I have overstepped, I apologize.” </em>
</p>
<p>Felix wanted to replay the message to find some rhetorical weakness, but it expired and he was left to seethe.</p>
<p>Dedue was too good at being good. How could you be mad at a man who was an immigration attorney and literally devoted his life to saving people? It was frustrating.</p>
<p>It was especially frustrating because a small part of Felix was grateful. Maybe he had wanted to be first.  </p>
<p>He was standing in his apartment kitchen, about to leave for work, throwing leftover something into a Tupperware. He had classes to teach and a new employee to train and he was busy, but all he wanted to do was stand in his kitchen and compose imaginary texts in his head.</p>
<p>Texts to someone who hadn’t replied since he’d told him the rest of his friends wanted to see him again.</p>
<p>Fine, Felix thought. Let him disappear again. It wouldn’t matter. Felix was used to life without Dimitri. Felix was probably better in life without Dimitri.</p>
<p>He wasn’t about to go pathetically chasing after someone who clearly wanted to be left alone. Someone who was clearly lonely, but didn’t have the strength to do anything about it.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Hey. Get coffee with me.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix pressed send before he knew what he was doing. Why was he doing it?</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Okay.’ </em>
</p>
<p>The respond was so fast, Felix nearly dropped his phone into his lunch.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I suppose there is no point trying to save face with you, so I will tell you now that I have some trouble with meeting in public places. I do not wish to make you feel unsafe, however.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Dimitri’s follow-up came quickly and Felix bit his lip as he thought about his reply.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Not worried. I teach martial arts. My place or yours?’</em>
</p>
<p>Dimitri responded with an address and a door code.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>--</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dimitri lived in what appeared to be a fortified castle on the upper westside, near the park. There was a code for the outside door, several security guards in the lobby, and he had to be buzzed up before he could use the elevator. The door to the apartment itself had several locks and bolts and Felix heard the sound of additional chains and latches as it opened.</p>
<p>It made sense, he supposed. Dimitri’s family had plenty of money to afford a place like this and plenty more cause for caution.</p>
<p>Felix had always assumed that Dimitri’s uncle had moved him out to some isolated country estate after the residential treatment, but he supposed that Rufus now knew from experience that media found you easily even in the countryside. Small towns lacked anonymity and unless he intended to put his nephew truly off the grid, the city was probably the most anonymous place for him.</p>
<p>And, of course, it was Dimitri’s home. He’d grown up there when his parents were alive. Felix remembered how star-struck he’d been as a child when Dimitri mentioned how he rode the train alone or went to the museum after school.</p>
<p>Felix knocked on the door.</p>
<p>Why the fuck was he here? Why was he doing this? Because Dimitri was pitiful and isolated? Then let someone else take care of it. Felix was absolutely not the best solution to that problem.</p>
<p><strike>Because Felix was lonely too, in some great and internal way he couldn’t dare to describe?</strike> Fuck that. No. He was there because he was curious. That’s all it had to be.  </p>
<p>The door swung open and Felix held the coffees he’d bought defensively in front of him. He’d picked somewhere local, ethically sourced, and hadn’t bothered to pocket any of the sugar or cream. Dimitri barely tasted the drink, after all. In college he’d brewed the most toxic overly strong sludge and never even flinched.</p>
<p>Dimitri stood in the doorway. He wore essentially the same clothes, but for the hat, and he still had his hair in his face to partially disguise the patch over his eye.</p>
<p>As he opened the door, Felix could tell he was jittery. His hands were shaking slightly and his smile was more of a spasm of the face as he stepped aside to allow Felix in.</p>
<p>“Thank you for coming,” he said. “I’m sorry the place is… it’s not very welcoming.”</p>
<p>Felix stepped inside and he couldn’t even dispute the claim. The apartment wasn’t a mess like Sylvain’s or half-way to being condemned like Ingrid’s, but it was sparse.</p>
<p>There was no couch, just a single wooden chair in the living room with a side table next to it. The walls were white and undecorated. Instead of shelves, books lined the edges of the room in piles. On one of the more stable-looking stacks, a single dry, brown houseplant sat underneath the window.</p>
<p>“I think you’re supposed to water those,” Felix said, gesturing to the plant.</p>
<p>“Dedue gave it to me,” Dimitri sighed. “I swear, I did my best. We can sit at the table if you’d like. I don’t have much furniture.”</p>
<p>Felix consented to sit at the table and set the coffee down in front of him. Dimitri looked at his, brow creasing again.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” he said, looking down at the table. “I should have said something. I don’t drink caffeine anymore, actually.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Felix said firmly. “It’s a stupid social formality. Talking to people should be possible without a specific beverage.”</p>
<p>Dimitri nodded, looking relieved.</p>
<p>“So, um,” Dimitri said after a moment. “I suppose I owe you an explanation.”</p>
<p>Felix exhaled irritably.</p>
<p>“You really don’t,” he said. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m here because I want to be and it’s awkward, but that’s fine. Let it be awkward. Life is awkward.”</p>
<p>Dimitri finally looked up, his single eye meeting Felix’s at last.</p>
<p>“Alright,” he said. “So, uh, how have you been?”</p>
<p>Felix felt the urge to smile. He allowed it to happen. Most people thought Dimitri had no sense of humor, but the problem was that he delivered all his quietly absurd statements so earnestly.</p>
<p>“Well, I work at a gym. My old man thinks I’m squandering my life, but he knows I’ll stop calling him if he says anything critical,” Felix said. “So, I guess my life is pretty uninteresting. I still see Sylvain and Ingrid. Sometimes Dedue when I’m not mad at him. Annette sends me messages. Mercedes spams us with cat videos. She has a cat, by the way. Ashe found some way to play board games online so I still can’t escape the Settlers of fucking Catan.”</p>
<p>Dimitri laughed at that</p>
<p>“It sounds like you are all well, then,” he said with a nod. “I am glad to hear that.”</p>
<p>Felix shrugged. Sure, he was well. He was well and he still couldn’t bring himself to turn the camera on at his own video therapy, let alone be physically in a room with someone.</p>
<p>“How about you?” Felix asked, glancing around the barren apartment. “Do you work?”</p>
<p>“My uncle still has conservatorship over everything,” Dimitri said. “I work on some of the company software, but I have no idea if he actually pays me. It’s just something to do between the therapy and workbooks and medication adjustments.”</p>
<p>They were straying into dangerous topics, but Dimitri seemed determined to continue. It was better than pretending otherwise, Felix thought.</p>
<p>He’d had a lifetime of experience watching Dimitri pretending to be fine. Just migraines and insomnia, right? Nothing serious.</p>
<p>“Does it help?” Felix said. It was a stupid question. He asked it anyways.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Dimitri said. “It helps. But it is still difficult and ugly and horrible and I feel… concerned about exposing anyone else to it. I still experience some auditory hallucination, a substantial amount of sleep disruption, depressive episodes, and the occasional panic attack. I don’t want to hide that. But I do want you to know that I am, at least in some ways, better.”</p>
<p>He said it all so stiffly, Felix was reasonably certain it had been rehearsed. Clearly Dimitri wanted to make sure Felix knew what he was in for if he decided to try to revive their long-gone friendship.</p>
<p>It should make Felix want to run. His history with Dimitri had been messy even before college.</p>
<p>He ought to make a clean break, get his resolution, and move on with his life.</p>
<p>He had other friends from his childhood, but none of them so viscerally understood the sudden desolation life could inflict upon you in the span of a single car ride.</p>
<p>But it was Dimitri. Even when Felix hated Dimitri, and he had <em>really</em> hated him for a while, he couldn’t bear to stay away. It wasn’t loyalty or love, it was need. Spending five years apart, Felix was realizing uncomfortably, had been like spending five years without his hand or his heart or some vital part of his body.</p>
<p>“Do you want to talk about five years ago?” Felix asked after a brief pause. He had never been good at subtle maneuvering, so it seemed best to say it bluntly. Dimitri fiddled with his fingers, picking slightly at the nailbed.</p>
<p>“I suppose I do,” he said. “I think… yes, I think if I could just say it all plainly it might help. I made my apologies to Edelgard and her family during the settlement but… I never did say I was sorry to you. And I am sorry, so incredibly sorry. I wasn’t just ruining my own life when I did what I did; I was hurting everyone else in the process. Especially you, Felix.”</p>
<p>His voice trembled a bit on the final word and he cleared his throat.</p>
<p>Felix felt something in him recoil. It was the snake that lay curled in his mind, ready to strike and poison anything that tried to get close enough to hurt him.</p>
<p>“It’s in the past. We can’t change what happened. It’s pointless to dwell on it, further,” Felix snapped, flexing his fingers against the barely touched coffee in front of him. “I’m here to see what you intend to do moving forward.” </p>
<p>“I intend not to do any more damage,” Dimitri said, his eyes downcast again. “Not even to myself.”</p>
<p>Dimitri had such lofty aspirations when they were at GMU. He was majoring in history and political science from their first year onwards, firmly set on getting his law degree before following his father into politics. He had dreams of curbing corruption, of reparations to Duscur refugees, of raising wages.</p>
<p>He was always reading, listening, practically drinking down knowledge on every problem in the world and then running the numbers on how to fix it.</p>
<p>That had really pissed Felix off when they were younger. It had never rung quite true.</p>
<p>It wasn’t that Dimitri had been lying exactly, more that Felix had never fully trusted his bright-eyed idealism that all the world’s problems could be solved with rational policy making. Dimitri couldn’t truly believe that. Not after the life he’d lived.</p>
<p>After Duscur, Felix had felt like the rosy clouds had finally rolled back and exposed the ugly falseness of everything, every idea, every comforting lie.</p>
<p>And Dimitri had to understand that as well. Felix could not accept that he hadn’t also glimpsed the rotten face of human nature in the twisted metal remains of the smoldering car.</p>
<p>But to hear him now? Now that his only goal was simply to do no more harm?</p>
<p>Felix would have preferred the idealist.</p>
<p>“Perhaps this was a mistake,” Dimitri spoke again, jolting Felix from his thoughts. “I’m upsetting you.”</p>
<p>“I’m not upset with you, I’m just… ugh,” Felix groaned and leaned back in the hard kitchen chair. “This is shitty. Your life is shitty. No offense.”</p>
<p>Dimitri was apparently shocked into a laugh at that comment.</p>
<p>“Yes, I completely agree,” he said, glancing around the apartment. “I need to get out more. Or at least do something less pathetic with the apartment. Why do you think I was desperate enough to try joining your gym?”</p>
<p>“You seriously don’t talk to anyone but Dedue and a battalion of therapists? You’ve just given up on everything that you used to care about?” Felix asked. He gestured to the stacks of books in frustration. “What about all of this? You can’t seriously be reading Hannah Arendt for fun?” </p>
<p>“I--“ Dimitri looked stricken for a moment, but then shook his head, like he was waving away a fly. “Actually, you might appreciate this story. Do you know who recommended most of these books to me?”</p>
<p>“I’m guessing it wasn’t a mental health professional,” Felix said sardonically. “They ought to know better.”</p>
<p>“Professor Byleth,” Dimitri said, a tiny bit of genuine excitement in his voice. “They actually have been sending me an email every week for the past five years. The treatment center had to print them out for me during those first few months. I never responded, but they kept coming. It was bizarre. The professor didn’t mention anything about what had happened, just book recommendation, and news articles, and musings, and sometimes rants about their life. I think I know the name of all four hundred or so of their dogs and cats now.”  </p>
<p>“That’s…” Felix trailed off. “You do realize the professor is a hardcore anarcho-socialist weirdo?”</p>
<p>“Absolutely,” Dimitri nodded with a grin. “But the emails never stopped. Even when it was just about fishing trips or meditations on the purpose of divinity in human society. I’ve gotten one every week, despite the fact that I never managed to even graduate.”</p>
<p>Felix felt the recoiling serpent inside of him begin to calm. His hackles lowered as he took in Dimitri’s shy smile over the professor’s eccentric kindness.</p>
<p>That settled the matter in some ways. If the professor hadn’t given up on Dimitri yet, Felix would not either. The professor was mystifying, but they were never wrong.</p>
<p> “Good,” Felix said. “So will you come to see the others?”</p>
<p>“What?” Dimitri appeared thrown by the sudden change in topic.</p>
<p>“For reunion weekend. Sylvian will throw some sort of party. You should come,” Felix said. “Dedue will be there, if that helps.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, really--“ Dimitri began to protest, but Felix pressed his advantage.</p>
<p>“You want to stop your isolation?” he asked sharply. “Start with your friends.</p>
<p>“I will… consider it,” Dimitri finally conceded. He looked tired. One hand kept reaching up to rub his forehead. After spending probably ten minutes in Felix’s company, he was already worn out. Felix decided not to push him further.</p>
<p>“Alright,” Felix said as he stood up. “I should go. Get to work.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Dimitri said, his shoulders falling slightly. “I understand.”</p>
<p>“Next time I’ll bring tea instead,” Felix said as he picked up the mostly cold coffee cups. Dimitri’s eye widened as he seemed to comprehend that Felix had no intention of fading away again.</p>
<p>“And Dimitri?”</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>Felix gestured to the window.</p>
<p>“Next time, get a fucking cactus.”</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this is accidentally a pro dancer Sylvain story</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix sat in his apartment with the lights off. He had the curtains drawn, like he had worked late and was trying to sleep through the morning. His old, slightly battered laptop sat on the coffee table while he sat on the floor with his back against the couch. He wore his hair down but tucked inside of his hood.</p>
<p>“What do you expect to happen at your five-year reunion?” the disembodied voice asked from his laptop speakers.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Felix grumbled. “Campus tour? Heavy drinking? Awkwardly explaining to my philosophy professor that I’m a manager at a gym now?”</p>
<p>“It sounds like you are concerned about how others will perceive you.”</p>
<p>“I’m actually really not,” Felix snapped. “I don’t really give a fuck about other people’s opinions. It’s more that… that the person I was in college is very different than the person I am now. I don’t see the point in dwelling on the past, so I don’t understand why I’m even going.</p>
<p>“A reunion can be a way to revisit the past, certainly. But you can also see it as an opportunity to forge stronger connections to the future. If there are people you want to add back into your life, for example, or goals you want to work on again now that you have other aspects of yourself figured out.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to talk about people from my past,” Felix said, hand twitching towards the computer in case he needed to close the screen and end the call.</p>
<p>He’d ended plenty of sessions early like that. After three years, he still hadn’t cried during an appointment. He cut off calls long before they could ever come to that.</p>
<p>“Some upsetting things happened while you were at GMU. It is completely understandable if that place carries negative associations and you are trying to prepare yourself to deal with those feelings. What do you think might help you feel safe during the reunion?”</p>
<p>“I feel fine about the reunion!” Felix realized he was shouting. He took a few breaths and drew his knee up to his chest so he could rest his chin on it. “Sorry. That was a lie. Pointless to lie to a fucking therapist. I feel anxious, but I… I need to see my friends together again so I can see that they are fine. I just need them all to be okay and together again.”</p>
<p>“You are a caring and loyal person, Felix. It sounds like you want to attend your reunion to be certain that your friends are safe and well.”</p>
<p>Caring and loyal person, huh? The disembodied voice of the psychologist often told him that, although it rang false. Controlling was a better term for it. Domineering, even.</p>
<p>“I just don’t want to get angry and ruin it,” Felix admitted.</p>
<p>“Let’s make a plan for how you can respond to potential triggers…”</p>
<p>When the session ended, Felix went to the gym, although he wasn’t scheduled to work in the evening. He pounded his fists into the bag until his arms felt loose and numb. Then he helped a few co-workers close up and went home.</p>
<p>His phone buzzed in his pocket as he walked. Annette was texting him again.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Just two more days till I see you!!! :D’ </em>
</p>
<p>She and Mercedes were due to show up the next evening on the train while Ashe was flying in Friday before the first events started. They would stay at Sylvain’s, Ashe would stay at Dedue’s, and he and Ingrid would show up wherever they were told to go. </p>
<p>
  <em>‘Yes.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He texted Annette back, unsure what else to add.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Why are you Like That.’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>Annette replied and then sent a picture of the cat she and Mercedes owned with its tongue partially out of its mouth. Felix liked the cat picture and then, on impulse, saved it to his phone and sent it to Dimitri.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘If you need another source of cat content outside of prof, can recommend Annette.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He was a poor substitute for Annette, Annette who always reached out again and again to him even when he was laconic or downright rude to her. Still, he would try her tactics. They worked well enough on him, after all.</p>
<p>He sent Annette a better reply with contrition.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘No one in city has cat. Can you cope for entire weekend?’</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Only if you promise to give me a big, real hug’</em>
</p>
<p>Felix snorted.</p>
<p>Dimitri responded a few hours later, in the middle of the night, and Felix only noticed when he woke up early the next morning.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Thank you for the cat picture.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix glanced at the clock and considered his options. Who knew if he would even be awake that early if he’d been up so late?</p>
<p>
  <em>‘How do you feel about the park?’</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> --</em>
</p>
<p>It turned out that Dimitri had pivoted his once notoriously competitive and perfectionistic athletic regime to running at odd hours of the morning and night in the most wooded section of the park he could find.</p>
<p>They met as he was finishing a loop, still a few hours from Felix’s first appointment at the gym and just as the park was beginning to attract a few other walkers.</p>
<p>Dimitri wore the dark invisible athletic clothing of any other city jogger and he had swapped the larger cloth patch over his eye for a sticker matched to his skin tone and a pair of sunglasses over top. He had tied the front of his hair back but shook it out and over his face again as he approached the main path.</p>
<p>“You look like a spy,” Felix snorted when he saw him.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” Dimitri apologized instinctively. “I know it seems vain, but I would like to avoid being recognized.”</p>
<p>“Well, don’t flatter yourself too much. Your fifteen minutes are over,” Felix shrugged. “But we can walk the wooded paths if you’d prefer.”</p>
<p>“So, what was it you wished to speak with me about?” Dimitri asked as Felix fell into step with him. He sounded tense, like he was expecting a blow.</p>
<p>“Nothing in particular,” Felix said. “Just felt like a walk.”</p>
<p>Felix pretended not to notice the smile Dimitri raised his hand to conceal.</p>
<p>So they walked. Felix filled Dimitri in on a few more mundane details of his life. Obnoxious kids whose parents used his martial arts classes as cheaper than average babysitting. His own unique and particular anger at certain subway lines. The nonsensical nature of a live performance ASMR bar that had opened in his neighborhood. Dimitri listened and smiled.</p>
<p>It would be so easy, Felix thought, if things could just be like this. If he could just forget the aching, infected wound of their past together, it might even be pleasant company.</p>
<p>But with Dimitri, he could never be sure that the past would remain the past, that the dead would stay buried, and that the peace would remain unbroken.</p>
<p>“Your reunions starts tomorrow, correct?” Dimitri asked as they prepared to part ways.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Felix affirmed. “Still considering if you’ll join us for one evening?”</p>
<p>“Give the others my best, or rather, no, you don’t need to mention me at all,” Dimitri said evasively, pushing up his sunglasses like a man with a bounty on his head. “But I wish you all a wonderful time, nevertheless.”</p>
<p>Felix glared at him as he retreated, skulking back towards his apartment building like a shadow fading in the sunlight. This would require tact Felix did not possess. But one way or another, he was resolved to drag Dimitri out of his exile, if only for one evening</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Felix was already hung over on the first official morning of the reunion.</p>
<p>Sylvain had ordered a small fortune’s worth of food delivered to his house and mixed drinks with mischievous secrecy the night before. He had naturally refused to take a cent from anyone who offered to pay for some of it, as Sylvain took hosting duties extremely seriously.</p>
<p>Annette and Mercedes had arrived tired and hungry, but they still managed to stay up until three in the morning talking. Dedue had put in a brief appearance and Felix had skirted silently around him for those few hours until he went home.</p>
<p>When the party had finally broken off with Annette literally snoring in a pile on the couch and Mercedes trying to shower while tipsy and forgetting to remove her hat, Sylvain had half-begged Felix and Ingrid to stay the night as well. Ingrid consented, but Felix had taken a surreal, sketchy night train back to his apartment.  There was a brunch scheduled for the next morning, but given the state of them, he suspected it would be a late one. </p>
<p>It had been good to see Annette and Mercedes. They checked in often enough that there wasn’t too much dull catching up to do, but seeing their faces reassured him that they weren’t concealing some secret crisis.</p>
<p>Annette was most of the way through an MD-PhD and was currently buried deep in genetics research. She had always been the academic powerhouse of the group and soon she’d have the impossibly impressive degree to prove it.</p>
<p>Although Mercedes had done a pre-med track at GMU as well, she had opted for nursing school and now worked at a women’s health clinic. Felix knew that a significant amount of her job was providing abortion services, and the thought of her facing a crowd of potentially violent protesters each day filled him with a combination of rage and dread. But nothing had happened yet. And she seemed uniquely suited to ignore the hateful assholes.</p>
<p>“Everyone I know does such, like… noble work in the world,” Sylvain had slurred the night before, on the verge of getting sad-drunk. “Annette cures diseases, Mercedes helps women, Dedue literally keeps families together in this country, Ingrid does her food access stuff, Felix makes people healthy, and I just… tell rich people how to be rich.” </p>
<p>“You might make your money that way, Sylvain, but you’re an artist, too,” Mercedes had reminded him. “Art is just as important as medicine.”</p>
<p>Sylvian had been comforted back to happy-drunk and offered to perform new choreography naked before them all. Felix had held his tongue and did not mention the generous correlation between ‘manages a gym’ and ‘makes people healthy.’</p>
<p>After the night of heavy drinking, the rally for brunch finally occurred around 1pm. Felix woke up at his usual hour no matter when he went to bed, so he had already spent several hours rehydrating, training, and finishing a book.</p>
<p>Brunch was a slightly bleary affair and Felix had to restrain Sylvain from ordering mimosas to clear his head. Events like these were always weird. They had never done stuff like this college. There had never been time and no one wanted to stray too far from campus when they could eat in the dining hall together.</p>
<p>It resulted in the eerie feeling of his college life and his adult life crashing into one another, simultaneously the rowdy bunch of students and the mature people with credit cards they paid themselves. </p>
<p>The festive atmosphere returned when Ashe’s flight arrived, however. They met up in the park once he’d had a chance to settle in at Dedue’s apartment.</p>
<p>Ashe looked more dramatically different than the rest of them. While Ingrid and Mercedes had cut their hair shorter and Dedue shaved the sides of his head, Ashe had finally lost his baby-face. He still dyed his hair a cool bleached silver, but he had substituted the referencey t-shirts Sylvain termed “weeb-chic” for professorial sweaters and chestnut brown wingtips.</p>
<p>“I finished that book you sent me,” Felix said as they walked through the park, killing time before the opening reception on campus.</p>
<p>“Oh, excellent! How did you like it?” Ashe asked eagerly. “I’m actually writing a dissertation chapter on posthumanism, so I’m eager to hear what you thought.”</p>
<p>“It was good,” Felix said shortly. Ashe waited patiently for him to elaborate; his face so expectant that Felix had no other choice. “I liked the fight scenes. The security robot is actually smart about not getting people killed.”</p>
<p>“I thought you would appreciate that,” Ashe said. “The narrative voice is so compelling and I appreciate the representation of autonomy and compassion in artificial intelligence.”</p>
<p>Felix waited a beat.</p>
<p>“You think I’m like the security robot, don’t you?”</p>
<p>Ashe shrugged.</p>
<p>Well, apparently, Ashe had not changed that much.</p>
<p>When they got to campus, Felix felt discomfort creeping upon him again.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like he lived far from the place, but he seldom ever went back to GMU. The architecture itself filled his mind with unbidden memories, most of them benign, a few of them not.</p>
<p>His old freshman dorm where his father had insisted on assembling a futon he insisted he did not need. It had come in handy in the end when Ingrid needed to sleep in his room to avoid her extremely shy roommate Bernadetta, who really should have shelled out the extra money for a single.</p>
<p>The gym where the fencing team had met and Mercedes had staged an intervention with Leonie after she scheduled their practice on a Friday night for the third week in a row. He’d been furious with Mercedes at the time for interfering, but Friday night movies and games did eventually form an integral part of his college memories.</p>
<p>The library where Sylvain had been nearly caught by campus security for streaking. Felix had bundled him into a study room to force a pair of crumpled gym shorts and a sweatshirt onto him so they could get back to the dorms unscathed and they’d only noticed Linhardt from the physics department sleeping in the corner after five minutes of whispered fighting.</p>
<p>Each of those memories came with a ghost in the background.</p>
<p>Dimitri admiring his dorm room on move-in day, Rodrigue wrapping him into a tight hug. Dimitri coming to watch one of his fencing tournaments, fumbling his way through the technical terms as he tied to offer congratulations. Dimitri rolling his eyes after the library escapade, but swearing to never tell Ingrid on pain of death.</p>
<p>They passed one of the grassy lawns, a rare patch of green on a city campus, nestled between academic buildings.</p>
<p>The lawn where one November afternoon, Dimitri had gone to confront Edelgard von Hresvelg as she left her seminar.</p>
<p>He had held an ornamental knife in one hand, large enough to be banned on campus. He had accused Edelgard of being part of a vast conspiracy related to her uncle’s ties to a chemical manufacturer turned weapon’s exporter, Agartha Tech. He had pressed the blade to her throat while her classmates watched in horror.</p>
<p>And then he had cut his own eye out and Edelgard had bolted and the police had arrived and it was over.</p>
<p>All of them averted their gazes as they passed that lawn.</p>
<p>The opening reception for their class year was held in the old dining hall. Dean Seteth presided and Professor Hanneman gave a short keynote speech on the accomplishments of the class. Something about Petra Macneary winning some international research grant, something about Claude von Reigan and a journalism prize. Felix got the sense that speech might be longer for the ten year or the fifty-year reunions.</p>
<p>Five years was an oddly short time, he was now realizing.</p>
<p>A significant number of the alumni were probably still in graduate school or flitting between jobs. Hardly any of them had children and only a few of them were married. Maybe the egregiously rich kids had any money for fundraising efforts, but most of them probably weren’t nostalgic enough yet to want their name on a new grant or a scholarship</p>
<p>So why were they at a reunion? If there were no accomplishments to be celebrated yet, was it all an exercise in posturing?</p>
<p>After all, none of the speeches mentioned the most notorious accomplishment of their class. If they were there to reminisce, why did the deans and professors so carefully avoid the subject of how they had tanked the school’s reputation in ways it probably still hadn’t recovered from.</p>
<p>Why not bring up the new mental health regulations an external review had forced upon them? Why not discuss the Campus Safety Commission or the subtle removal of a certain name from several scholarships?</p>
<p>Surely if one thing defined their class, it was the shared experience of getting a lockdown alert in the middle of their senior year, informing them of a lunatic with a knife who turned out to be Felix’s closest friend in the entire world.</p>
<p>As soon as the speeches ended and the bar opened, Sylvain went dashing off into the crowd in search of Dorothea, apparently fresh off of a Broadway debut.</p>
<p>Felix saw Ingrid grimace and shake her head. She had cleaned up a lot of messes for Sylvain, so she certainly had the right to be cynical. No one would ever use the word “jealous” around Ingrid and keep their life.</p>
<p>Then Annette spotted Lysithea, a girl she’d had some sort of intense rivalry with that they both pretended was friendship, and left to compare degrees. Felix shrugged towards the rest of the group and they dispersed for a while.</p>
<p>Ashe had to go find Caspar, his weird LARPing friend, and Dedue was drawn into an intense discussion about international students with Flayn, who had apparently stayed at GMU and worked in admissions.</p>
<p>Felix wandered to get a drink and glanced around to see if Leonie or any other members of the fencing team had showed before he was accosted with a hard blow to the shoulder.</p>
<p>“Felix Fraldarius! Never thought I’d see you at one of these things, how are ya?” Raphael Kirsten boomed into his ear. In tow was his inseparable since freshman year roommate, Ignatz Victor, who Felix vaguely recalled as being the odd combination of studio art and economics major. By the suit and tie, he suspected economics had won.</p>
<p>“Fine,” Felix said, taking in the enormity of Raphael. Raphael had labored under the impression that they were friends for many years due to the fact that they were both in the gym most of the time. Raphael was chatty while he lifted, which had driven Felix mildly insane.  “You?”</p>
<p>“Doing well,” Raphael grinned. “Moved back home to take over the family business, if you can believe it. I’m feeling star struck by the city all over again now!”</p>
<p>“Do you, um, still live in the area?” Ignatz added, discomfort clear on his face as he glanced around the crowd.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Felix said, hoping that his short answers would free him quickly.</p>
<p>“One of your friends said you ran a gym now!” Raphael said, “living the dream, bud, you look fantastic! If only I had half of your time to work on my muscles now.”</p>
<p>“It’s just a job,” Felix said tightly, “and who told you?”</p>
<p>“I actually heard it from Ingrid,” Ignatz volunteered. “She commissioned a painting from me last year for the holidays. I think it’s wonderful that your friends stayed so close, even with… everything.”</p>
<p>“With everything,” Felix repeated, feeling his temper rising dangerously. He ought to leave. That was his strategy, to go out and get some air. Focus on staying in the moment, concentrate on the details. </p>
<p>He wanted to stay and publicly eviscerate someone. Opportunity presented itself immediately.</p>
<p>“Well, well, this is unexpected,” the reedy voice of Lorenz Gloucester came from over Raphael’s shoulder. “It is a bit tactless of you all to come, don’t you think?”</p>
<p>Lorenz looked as rich and smug as ever as he sidled into the circle of conversation. He had been something called a “business major”, which Felix refused to believe was an actual academic subject.</p>
<p>“Hey Lorenz! Long time no see!” Raphael began to say, apparently oblivious to the tension.</p>
<p> “It’s our reunion,” Felix retorted. “And most of us live here. What’s your issue with it?”</p>
<p>“I’m just saying, this school endured a lot of grief from your friend’s escapade,” Lorenz shrugged. “Probably cost them thousands in donations alone that year. At least the court orders kept him from joining you.”</p>
<p>Felix was actually about to get into a physical fight on the first night of the five-year reunion.</p>
<p>His heart was pounding and his firsts were clenched and Lorenz probably did the bare minimum of cardio required to fit into his tailored suits and he would go down like paper.</p>
<p>Dimitri’s pale, wasted face swam over his vision. Sad and repentant and alone on the street outside of the gym.</p>
<p>Felix wanted him back so badly. Felix wanted Dimitri back in his life and he was going to smash Lorenz Gloucester’s nose in to prove it.</p>
<p>“Is that Hilda Goneril?” Ignatz suddenly yelped. “I watch her channel every week, I’d almost forgotten she went to school with us!”</p>
<p>Lorenz turned, immediately distracted by the promise of fame and potential advertising deals with one of the biggest beauty youtubers on the planet.</p>
<p>Felix clenched the plastic wine cup in his hand until the stem snapped and then stalked off before Ignatz could finish his whispered apologies.</p>
<p>He made his way out of the crowded room and down the steps of the building, heading to a stone rotunda often used for outdoor performances and obnoxious A Capella groups. His hands were still shaking as anger flared white-hot inside of him.</p>
<p>Someone was already perched on the edge of the rotunda when he arrived and he almost turned away to find a more private spot before he realized it was Dedue. And Dedue was…</p>
<p>“What the actual <em>fuck</em>,” Felix said, throwing himself down onto the ledge next to Dedue and swatting at his hand. Dedue’s reflexes were too good and he pulled his arm back before Felix could smack the lit cigarette to the ground. “What are you doing?”</p>
<p>“I’m smoking,” Dedue said stoically, betraying nothing.</p>
<p>“You know those things are bad for you, right?” Felix asked, his mood making him meaner than usual.</p>
<p>“I am aware,” Dedue nodded.</p>
<p>They sat silently for a moment as Dedue brought the cigarette to his lips again. Felix allowed himself a short, rough laugh.</p>
<p>“Didn’t think you were capable of doing anything less than perfect,” he finally said. “No offense. Okay, some offense intended.”</p>
<p>“I started because I needed to relax,” Dedue said, gazing off over the campus rather than meeting Felix’s glare. “Now I can’t seem to stop.”</p>
<p>Dedue and Felix had always been the… least close of their group of friends. Felix had been too raw after Glenn’s death to properly adjust to Dedue’s sudden presence in his life. They had tolerated each other to a point, but Felix had never quite trusted Dedue’s constant calm. Because with the life he’d lived, things ought to bother him. He ought to be more bothered. </p>
<p>And now here he was, smoking a secret stress cigarette outside of the reception.</p>
<p>“Why are you out here?” Felix asked. Dedue looked at him out of the corner of his eye.</p>
<p>“I suspect for the same reason you are,” he said. “Because I can’t bear being in there and knowing that Dimitri is not.”</p>
<p>Felix opened his mouth to contradict that and then closed it again. He wrapped his arms around himself, the heat of late spring making him sweat inside of his denim jacket.</p>
<p>“Could you just explain to me why?” Felix finally asked. “Why send him to me? Why not someone who could be… gentle or easy to get along with?”</p>
<p>Dedue faintly arched an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“Isn’t it obvious?” Dedue smiled. “Because he wanted to see you the most. Of course, he never intended to act on that desire himself. But he asked about you. He asked about all of our friends, but you most of all. He wanted reassurance that you were okay.”</p>
<p>“Dimitri worried if I was okay?” Felix scoffed, feeling his defenses rising. Of course he was okay. He wasn’t the one who’d been hallucinating or conjuring paranoid delusions of a vast conspiracy. He wasn’t the one who’d actually tried to hurt himself.</p>
<p>“He feels that he ruined our lives in some way. Without my intervention, I doubt if he ever would have tried to contact you again. His guilt is immense, but so is his care for you. For all of us,” Dedue said. It was unusual for him to speak so much to Felix, or anyone for that matter.</p>
<p>“Hmm.”</p>
<p>Felix went silent and Dedue stamped out the cigarette on the stone ledge beside them. Faintly, Felix could hear the sounds of the reception. Laughter and conversation swelled out over the campus. The lights of the city loomed comfortingly around them.</p>
<p>“Why did you stay friends with him, after?” Felix asked, voicing the question that had been plaguing him for days.</p>
<p>Aside from the legal formalities, he had never understood what had kept Dedue at Dimitri’s side. Dedue had every right to resent the Blaiddyd family for what had happened to his father. And Felix had every right to cut Dimitri cleanly out of his life after all the pain he had caused.</p>
<p>“I cannot tell you it was easy. It is never easy when someone is so sick. And Dimitri suffers from a great deal of afflictions, many of which are permanent,” Dedue said. “But he is the only person still living who has truly cared for me. He is my family. And even when he is at his worst, when he is so sick he cannot tell what is real, he maintains his capacity to love me. That is enough. You can decide for yourself what would be enough for you.”</p>
<p>Felix had no idea what would be enough for him.</p>
<p>But clearly, whatever it was, the requirement was already met.</p>
<p>It was that same great indefinable thing that had bound him to Dimitri even after the Duscur incident, the thing that had kept him from leaving even when he chafed at Dimitri’s upstanding persona, the thing that had brought them together at GMU even when the wider world of college could have let them drift apart, the thing that had <em>always</em> been enough.</p>
<p>“This reunion sucks,” Felix said after a moment. “I’m gonna see if the others want to find that weird dive bar, if it still exits.” </p>
<p>“The inexplicably tropical karaoke bar?” Dedue asked.</p>
<p>“Obviously the inexplicably tropical karaoke bar,” Felix nodded. “I want to see how much rum it takes to get Annette to sing ‘total eclipse of the heart’”</p>
<p>Dedue stood up to join him and slid the rest of a pack of cigarettes into his pocket.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>anyone who can guess the book Ashe was talking about gets a thousand points</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As it turned out, they skipped most of the official reunion activities.</p>
<p>Ashe had to go to a dinner for other Lonato Scholarship recipients and Sylvain attended some late-night theatre department party that left him wobbly and smug for most of Saturday, but they otherwise spent the weekend in the company of only one another. They visited museums, ate their way around the city, toured each other’s apartments, and played cards for a few hours in a pavilion in the park.</p>
<p>The only exception was a quick stop on campus at an open house to visit Professor Byleth. It was held in a lounge in the humanities center, a few stained armchairs pushed to the corners and a single folding table laden with boxes of rapidly cooling coffee. The philosophy department lacked some of the glamor of the richer departments, but nevertheless, the room was full.</p>
<p>Anyone who took a class with Professor Byleth came away different. They were simply one of those professors who changed people by the simple act of speaking. And while the professor was a bit on the absent-minded side, they never failed to come through for each student when it counted.</p>
<p>Felix still firmly recalled a paper he’d performed badly on where he’d stormed into the professor’s office hours ready to fight, and ended up eating lunch there for two hours rambling about whether Aristotle was a true xenophobe. It wasn’t so much that Byleth had found a way to diffuse him, it was more that he respected the professor’s dedication to intellectual progress and knew that Byleth reciprocated the feeling.</p>
<p>It took a while before Professor Byleth had time to turn his attention to their group as Ferdinand von Aegir was talking their ear off about public policy for fifteen minutes.</p>
<p>As they waited, Annette reminisced about their freshman year seminar with the professor that had begun it all.</p>
<p>“I remember so clearly that first day of class being terrified,” she sighed, “there were so many terms, I thought I was going to have to learn Ancient Greek just to get by!”</p>
<p>“I did,” Felix shrugged.</p>
<p>“All I can recall about that first day of class is getting the feeling that you all knew each other,” Mercedes added, gesturing to Felix, Ingrid, Sylvain, and Dedue. “I couldn’t imagine you’d want much to do with me given how close you all were.”</p>
<p>“Personally, I think I should get some credit for bringing us all together, then,” Sylvain smirked. “Without my hitting on Mercedes, we might have never bonded.”</p>
<p>“Without my smoothing things over with Mercedes, you mean,” Ingrid said with a firm elbow to Sylvain’s side.</p>
<p>“I had a similar first impression, I think,” Ashe admitted. “I didn’t want to insert myself into such a close group of friends, especially since you were all so… you know. You were the elites. The best of the best. Richest and prettiest and smartest.”</p>
<p>“And then you all discovered we were actually pretty cool,” Sylvain said. “Not like some of the rich assholes here.”</p>
<p>Sylvain glanced towards Ferdinand von Aegir, which wasn’t really fair. Ferdinand was the epitome of a glossy prep school kid with a seriously evil father, but he was so obliviously friendly, it was hard to hold it against him.</p>
<p>“No, I think it was more that I realized you were all weird,” Ashe mused, then corrected himself. “In a good way, I mean.”</p>
<p>“And there was that class project, remember?” Annette recalled. “The mock trial one about the Apollonians and the Dionysians where Felix had to pretend to be a lawyer and interrogate--“</p>
<p>She cut herself off before she could say his name.</p>
<p>“Silenus,” Dedue finished the sentence for her. “I believe that was the name of the Dionysian witness.”</p>
<p>Ferdinand von Aegir was being swept gently out of the room by the professor and Felix quickly turned to stake their place as next in line for an audience. As he did, however, he felt a tap on his elbow.</p>
<p>It was Claude von Reigan.</p>
<p>Claude had never registered much with Felix when they were undergraduates. He had come off as a bit of a slacker, definitely a bit of a stoner. He’d turned up at the sort of parties Sylvain usually dragged them to and spent most of them cultivating a reputation for holding his liquor.</p>
<p>It had only been after they had graduated that Felix had realized that Claude was actually Prince Khalid of Almyra. In a school filled with rich kids and famous families, Claude had managed to the be the richest and most notable of them all while remaining completely anonymous.</p>
<p>And according to the speeches, he was not resting on his proverbial laurels, but working as a reporter for an Almyran newspaper with wide distribution throughout several countries.</p>
<p>“What?” Felix asked, the word coming out sharp and dangerous as he tried to evaluate what Claude of all people might want with him.</p>
<p>“Felix, right?” Claude said easily. He dressed somewhere on the thin line between fashionable and overwhelmed dad on a family vacation, wearing a short-sleeved button down in outrageous floral print. “You have a sec? I promise, I won’t keep you from Teach long.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Felix said tightly, glancing over his shoulder towards Professor Byleth with regret. “What do you want?”</p>
<p>“Quick to the point then,” Claude shrugged. “Fine by me. You might have heard that these past five years I’ve been working on some projects for the Almyran Broadcast Network. There’s a few stories with my name on them if you want to vet my work. I spent a year pouring through records of the Church of Seiros for an article on corruption that won a few prizes.”</p>
<p>“Good for you,” Felix said impatiently. “But unless you want an exposé on personal trainers, I don’t have much to offer.”</p>
<p>“I’m working on a story right now, one that already has some promising evidence,” Claude said and then frowned. “In another world, I would have time to ease into this, do it eloquently, but I can see you have places to be. I’ll just tell you now that the story is about Agartha Tech.”</p>
<p>Felix felt his impatience and irritation turn to freezing dread.</p>
<p>“I have nothing to do with that,” he replied stiffly. “And I don’t care about it.”</p>
<p>“Your old friend seemed to care about it, pretty intensely,” Claude said. “I’m not sure if you all are still in contact, but on the off chance that you are, I have a few things I’d like to ask Dimitri.”</p>
<p>“About what?” Felix asked.</p>
<p>“About what he had on Agartha Tech that made him try to kill Edelgard von Hresvelg,” Claude said. His easy manner was replaced with seriousness Felix had never seen in him before.</p>
<p>“What he had was a mental breakdown,” Felix said, swallowing his rage as best as he could. “He was having hallucinations, paranoia, and if you go around asking questions and humoring his delusions, you’re going to send him right back into that spiral.”</p>
<p>“So, you are still in contact,” Claude smiled. He produced a card from the pocket of his absurd shirt. “Look, I get it. You want to protect your friend. He’s got a bad history with media jackals like me, I know. But I can spot the difference between full crazy and crazy enough that people ignore the truth you’re trying to reveal. If your friend ever feels up to it, he can always give me a call.”</p>
<p>Claude pressed the card into Felix’s hand and then gave a salute and retreated back into the crowd.</p>
<p>Felix stood and watched him, heart hammering in his chest. He felt unable to process what had just happened, but he suspected it was not good.</p>
<p>“Felix, come on!” Annette called him. He shoved the card into his back pocket and tried to forget about it.</p>
<p>Professor Byleth fixed their penetrating gaze on Felix as soon as he joined the circle.</p>
<p>The professor had never been one for traditional academic apparel, but apparently being a genius got you tenure despite being an androgynous radical with green hair who wore lace tights sometimes under their blazers and sweaters.</p>
<p>They were currently wearing a notorious piece of apparel Felix remembered from the classroom, a faded baseball cap with ‘women want me, fish fear me’ embroidered on the front.</p>
<p>“Felix,” the professor said with a curt nod. “What have you accomplished in these last five years?”</p>
<p>The question pierced right through him.</p>
<p>“I… work at a gym,” Felix finally answered, although he could feel his face flushing to say it aloud. “And I teach martial arts to children.”</p>
<p>Byleth looked at him with their slightly sleepy, deceptively vacant gaze.</p>
<p>“Cool,” they finally said. “You enjoy that?</p>
<p>“It’s… fine,” Felix answered, startled into prickliness. “I like training, keeping sharp.</p>
<p>“Good to hear,” Byleth nodded. “I hate it when students tell me about how their work fulfills their every dream and completes them as a person, you know? Just another way capitalism programs us, right? Work enough to survive and then find some other good shit in your life. You still reading Greek?”</p>
<p>“Not really,” Felix shrugged. Why was no one else getting grilled like this? It was humiliating to stand here and answers these questions in front of his friends. “I read… books about robots.”</p>
<p>“Hell yeah,” Byleth smiled very slightly. “You’re turning out okay, after all. Now, Ashe, why is it again you’re trying to get into academia?”</p>
<p>“Oh, well, I suppose I’d like to teach,” Ashe stuttered and Felix nearly sighed in relief as the professor’s attention shifted. “And I can’t imagine anything better than teaching literature.”</p>
<p>“Expand your imagination, then,” Byleth commanded. “Now that you’re five years out and jaded and all that-- academia is a trap. But don’t take my word for it, I only pretend to be wise. In reality, I’m a broken person whose only skill is explaining Walter Benjamin to eighteen-year olds. I just do it to support my cats.”</p>
<p>Ashe’s face fell slightly.</p>
<p>“You have quite a lot of cats, right professor?” Mercedes offered, trying to give Ashe moment to recover.</p>
<p>“I don’t think I even know how many anymore,” Byleth shrugged. “Your friend probably remembers more of their names than I do at this point.”</p>
<p>“Our friend?” Ingrid looked mystified.</p>
<p>“You know, big guy, soccer player, took everything way too seriously,” Byleth said, scratching their chin in a pantomime of a person forgetting a name. “Nice kid. Sends me the smartest messages. Pity he couldn’t come.”</p>
<p>Ingrid visibly paled and Felix saw eyes widening all around their circle.  </p>
<p>“Sorry, professor, do you mean to say you’ve been sending Dimitri… cat photos?” Sylvain asked when he seemed able to speak again.</p>
<p>“Sure,” Byleth replied. “Gotta look out for each other, right? The world’s a hard place to handle alone.”</p>
<p>The line behind them was growing and Felix felt the need to say something before the professor wandered off. Dedue took the initiative while the others were still recovering from the revelation about Dimitri.</p>
<p>“Professor, I think we’d all like to offer our thanks to you,” Dedue said formally. “I think I speak for all of us when I say that your classes were formative, even when we chose other majors and careers.”</p>
<p>“Ah,” Byleth seemed slightly uncomfortable with the praise. “I taught you some philosophy, but you probably taught each other just as much. You’ll keep teaching each other, by the looks of it. Best of luck.”</p>
<p>“All the same, professor,” Sylvain cut in before they could leave. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>Felix murmured a thank you under his breath.</p>
<p>The mood that evening was not one for a bar crawl, as they had originally intended.</p>
<p>Instead, they took the subway back to Sylvain’s brownstone and Mercedes found some tea in the kitchen to make.</p>
<p>Sylvain’s house was a hectic conglomeration of art and trashed furniture and little projects he never quite managed to finish. Felix settled on a bright orange futon beneath a dangling chandelier fashioned in the shape of a spider that glowed under blacklight. It was such an inherently ridiculous place, it felt safe from any too serious topic.</p>
<p>“So,” Mercedes said, as she set down mismatched mugs of tea for all of them on the coffee table, slightly scorched and dusted with a light film of weed. “Tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“It’s going to be our last night all together for a while,” Ashe said. He had been very quiet on the subway ride across town. “We ought to do something special.”</p>
<p>“I was going to host a party,” Sylvain offered with a weak smile. “But I guess I need to know who’s invited.”</p>
<p>He turned to look expectantly at Dedue and the others followed suit. Dedue raised his hands in a gesture of helplessness.</p>
<p>“Do as you will,” he said. “You are under no obligation to revisit a difficult subject right now.”</p>
<p>Annette sniffled. Felix, next to her on the couch, gave her an uncomfortable bump with his shoulder in his best attempt at comfort. She was staring fixedly down at her tea with welling eyes.</p>
<p>“I can’t stand this anymore!” she finally burst out. “We have to talk about… we have to at least say his name again! You heard what the professor said: they’ve been sending him messages for years! And we were his friends, his best friends, and we… we abandoned him.”</p>
<p>Tears slid down her face and Felix averted his eyes. Annette had some particular baggage when it came to the idea of abandonment.</p>
<p>“We didn’t abandon Dimitri,” Ingrid said firmly, pulling Annette into a side hug. “We just… we weren’t equipped to help him. If he didn’t want to make amends with us once he was well, that was his choice.”</p>
<p>“And I think…” Sylvain added, pacing and fiddling with various open bottles on the top of his bar cart. “We have the right to be… upset with what he did, right? We didn’t owe him forgiveness.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Mercedes nodded. “But I fear, at least for myself, that it was not genuine hurt that kept me from reaching out. It was just… awkwardness. Shame at seeing someone else’s suffering.”</p>
<p>“That’s my worry too,” Ashe whispered, looking down at his hands in his lap. “I always thought of myself as someone who would help a friend in need, but when the moment came, I was frightened. It was all so messy and so confusing and not at all like it would be in a story.”</p>
<p>“I’m going to invite him for tomorrow,” Annette declared, wiping her cheeks as her brisk rational mind seemed to take over. “New group text, officially. Does anyone object?”</p>
<p>The room was silent. Sylvain ran a hand through his hair a few times and Ingrid picked at a cuticle. Dedue sat completely still, like some silent arbiter waiting to weigh the sins of the dead. Felix felt himself accidentally holding on to a breath.</p>
<p>“I don’t think you’ve said anything Felix,” Mercedes broke the silence. “Would you like to or would you prefer to stay quiet?”</p>
<p>Mercedes always made space for him when he was quiet. It was one of the things he liked best about her. She would always take the plunge and provide an opening when he needed one.</p>
<p>Right now, though? He would have preferred to sink through the floor and vanish</p>
<p>“I--“ Felix opened his mouth and then shut it again. He could feel his face flushing and he hated it</p>
<p>How could he explain what he wanted to the group if he couldn’t even explain it to himself?</p>
<p>The image of Dimitri on the street in front of his gym came back to his mind. So sad, so pitiable, pathetic even. But it wasn’t just pity he was feeling</p>
<p>Dimitri’s uncertain smiles, his self-effacing jokes, his earnest appreciation for the absurdity of his life inspired something in Felix that was absolutely not pity</p>
<p>Dimitri with his too-long hair pulled back in the park, Dimitri with his face flushed slightly from a run, Dimitri with his remaining blue eye crinkled with concern and anxious desire, these pictures did not fill him with anything resembling pity</p>
<p>Because Dimitri was still, at his core, the same idiot who cared about everything so much that it hurt him. Because Dimitri was still his friend.  </p>
<p>“I want him back,” Felix finally blurted out.</p>
<p>Ashe couldn’t conceal a look of surprise at that and Ingrid and Sylvain exchanged an uncertain glance. Felix fought a strong urge to smash his mug on the ground and storm out of the house.</p>
<p>“Just text the fucking thread,” he growled after a moment.</p>
<p>Annette carefully compiled their numbers and Dedue offered his phone so that she could add in Dimitri. She took a while to compose her message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Hi everyone! We’re meeting up at Sylvain’s house for a get-together on the last night of the reunion. Please come if you can! We would love to have the whole group back together for a night!’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>She sent the message and then shared a follow-up with the address and time.</p>
<p>Everyone stared at their phones for a few uncomfortable minutes.</p>
<p>“We’re all in the same room,” Annette lamented, “this is so awkward.”</p>
<p>Dedue sighed and began typing a message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I plan to attend.'</em>
</p>
<p>“Yeah, we assumed,” Sylvain said sarcastically. But Mercedes and Ashe followed his example.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I’ll be there! Excited to see you all!’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Looking forward to it!’ </em>
</p>
<p>No more responses came. Sylvain groaned and took out his phone.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘It’s my house so like yeah I’ll be there but who knows maybe dorothea will text me back and I’ll kick you assholes out’ </em>
</p>
<p>Ingrid swatted at him and then sent her own message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Everyone please come so that Sylvain cannot invite Dorothea to his house and embarrass himself further.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Still no more replies came.</p>
<p>Felix took out his phone and flipped to his private conversation with Dimitri first.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Hey. Answer group text. Everyone sitting in same room texting. Very awkward.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Dots immediately materialized. Clearly he was awake and fully able to respond.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I apologize for forcing this text message charade upon you all. If I knew what my response would be, I would endeavor to remedy the situation.’ </em>
</p>
<p>“Who are you--?” Annette began to ask, but then cut herself off.</p>
<p>Felix thought for a moment before he typed his response.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Actually ignore group thread. Sylvain’s house at 8pm has become new gym. Come by before closing to sign up for membership. Swear no party will be inside.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Dimitri replied quickly</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Fool me once…’ </em>
</p>
<p>Dots indicated more was to come, but it took a full minute before he sent the next sentence.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Will you come with me?’</em>
</p>
<p>Felix looked up at the others, all leaning forward now with eager anticipation. The atmosphere was so strained, it made sweat break out on the back of his neck. What did that question mean? Of course he was planning to come, wasn’t that obvious?</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Yes will be there.’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>Dimitri replied swiftly.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I need you to walk with me, I mean. I’m sorry’. </em>
</p>
<p>“He’s coming,” Felix confirmed. The tension in the room relaxed into applause.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix worked early on Sunday morning, teaching a class at the gym while the other early risers went to Dedue’s apartment for some kind of gourmet breakfast he and Ashe had wanted to prepare. In the afternoon, they dispersed somewhat to other campus activities.</p>
<p>Felix finally got the chance to meet Leonie and other members of the fencing team for coffee and spent most of the afternoon rehashing old debates about technique.</p>
<p>Leonie worked for the National Park Service now apparently and was just as brisk and competitive as he remembered. Sometimes he had wondered, if it weren’t for some incompatible orientation issues, how efficient and terrifying a couple they might have been.</p>
<p>He got dinner with Annette at a sushi place she’d wanted to try and he tried not to gag when she ordered a roll with mango in it. They talked music for a while, swapped recommendations, and Annette showed him outrageous and droll tweets from one of their favorite artists which he never would have sought out himself.</p>
<p>Felix still couldn’t help but smile at sweet little Annette in her peter pan collars and printed skirts gushing about doom metal. It felt comfortable. It felt good.</p>
<p>But then she went back to Sylvain’s on the subway by herself while he went home to change and then take a detour to the upper west.</p>
<p>Usually Felix wore his clothes for the gym everywhere he had to go, and when he needed to dress up, he found a pair of black jeans and a jacket to throw on.</p>
<p>Suddenly, however, he found himself inexplicably sweating over his closet. Why did he own nothing but endless pairs of black pants and plain black shirts?</p>
<p>Eventually he settled on a black turtleneck although it was late spring and probably way too warm. Thinking about it made him indefinably angry so he just shoved his keys into his pocket and left. By the time he reached Dimitri’s apartment, he was already starting to perspire.</p>
<p>He knocked on the door and tried to calm himself down. At the very least, the years of therapy had clued him in to the fact that he was stressed and likely to react in a volatile way. Four years ago, he probably would have screamed ‘you’re volatile,’ flipped a chair, and slammed the door behind him.</p>
<p>Dimitri answered the knock after a few moments of rustling with the locks. Even though he looked very similar to the last time they’d met, Felix felt himself breathless for a moment at how tall and wan and worried he appeared. </p>
<p>His pale blonde hair looked a little damp and Felix could smell the faint fresh smell of shampoo, like he’d just gotten out of the shower. He was wearing a pair of loose grey pants, clearly ironed for some hilarious reason, and a dark blue shirt beneath another black zip-up jacket.</p>
<p>“You look…” he said apparently taking in Felix and the turtleneck. “I should change into something nicer, I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“You look fine,” Felix said harshly, self-conscious again and beckoning Dimitri before he fled back into the apartment. “I’m just… it’s just… laundry.”</p>
<p>Dimitri took a deep breath and stepped out into the hall, fumbling as he locked the door and bolts behind him.</p>
<p>“They all know I’m coming right?” he asked as they took the elevator down. “I wouldn’t want to surprise anyone.”</p>
<p>“They know,” Felix reassured him. “Why do you think Annette made that stupid performative group text?”</p>
<p>Dimitri winced slightly at his tone and Felix ground his teeth.</p>
<p>He needed to calm himself down or he was going to mess this up. It was already so delicate and Felix knew he wasn’t a delicate person and why had anyone thought this was a good idea?</p>
<p>“Why did you ask me?” he finally said, knowing that he’d be on edge until he could set the question to rest. “Why not come over with Dedue?”</p>
<p>“Ah,” Dimitri said, looking down at the pavement as they left the apartment building. His shoulders rose and he lowered his face whenever he went out into public, as though the curtain of his hair might hide the patch over his eye. “Dedue lets me get away with things. Or possibly, Dedue has seen me unwell so many times that I no longer bother to try to impress him. In any case, I would probably have told him I was feeling poorly and driven him away."</p>
<p>“You don’t have to impress me,” Felix interjected. “I hate it when you pretend to be fine around me. Like I can’t spot that you’re not. Always have.”</p>
<p>“Sorry,” Dimitri apologized, as though he was pathologically compelled to do so before speaking. “I don’t mean to say that I am hiding anything from you. I just… you have always held me to a higher standard. It helps to have someone who believes you can be better than you are.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Felix said, suddenly struck dumb again.</p>
<p>But his anger and nervous energy was beginning to fade as they walked side by side. The evening was growing cool and he felt more comfortable in the stupid turtleneck.</p>
<p>“How was the reunion?” Dimitri asked after the lapse in conversation.</p>
<p>“It was…” Felix thought, trying to assess the experience even as it still felt like it was happening to him. “Good. Well, none of the official reunion part was good. It just reminded me that I need to talk to my actual friends more.”</p>
<p>“Did you see the professor at all?”</p>
<p>“Saw them. They haven’t changed, but it was still difficult to talk to them.”</p>
<p>“Because of the adoring crowds?” Dimitri smiled fondly as he said it.</p>
<p>“The crowds,” Felix acknowledged. “And… fuck it, I’m twenty-six. I have adulthood semi-sorted out, but I’ve also accomplished nothing and there aren’t any milestones anymore and I’m going nowhere. And there’s no more inspirational Dr. Casagranda speeches to reassure us with bullshit about how we’re going to leave our mark on the world.”</p>
<p>Dimitri glanced at him; his blue eye crinkled with a slightly sad smile.</p>
<p>“Strangely enough, I have left my mark on the world,” he said, and tapped the patch over his eye, “but I have no idea what to do with myself in the aftermath.”  </p>
<p>Felix released a slightly bitter laugh.</p>
<p>“Can I ask why the eyepatch?” he said, deciding now was as good a time as any. “You probably could afford a glass one, I assume.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Dimitri said, brushing his hair a bit further down over his face. “It’s, um, sorry if this is too graphic... it’s not totally gone. I know all the press releases said that I cut it out, but I guess I didn’t do a very good job. I’m blind on that side, but I didn’t want another surgery to remove it.”</p>
<p>At the mention of press releases, Felix suddenly recalled Claude and the business card with the force of a lightning bolt abruptly hitting him.</p>
<p>“I’ll try not to be so macabre,” Dimitri said, misconstruing Felix’s sudden alarm as disgust. “I’ve unfortunately started to think of myself as some sort of Phantom of the Opera or Quasimodo, locked up alone with my deformity.”</p>
<p>“Everyone loved Quasimodo in the end, though,” Felix said with a shrug.</p>
<p>“He dies of starvation next to the executed corpse of his lover!”</p>
<p>“I’ve only seen the Disney movie,” Felix admitted. “And in that one, he had gargoyle friends.”</p>
<p>“Please don’t tell Dedue he’s the gargoyle friend,” Dimitri said, unable to stop himself from laughing. “And if you dare bring up <em>Love Never Dies</em> to me, I will turn around and go home.”</p>
<p>Felix grinned. This was Dimitri how he ought to be. Earnest and clever and comically stuffy about the strangest topics.</p>
<p>By the time they arrived at Sylvain’s house, however, the light in his eyes had faded. His smile grew very tight as he surveyed the brownstone.</p>
<p>“I assume Sylvain got his trust, then?”</p>
<p>“Got it and keeps making more money than he can spend,” Felix nodded. “Mostly because he prefers to live like a dissolute artist well on his way to a romantic death by tuberculosis.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad to hear that, I suppose,” Dimitri said, then paused and rushed to add, “not the part where he dies of tuberculosis, of course.”</p>
<p>“Ready to go inside?” Felix asked, noticing the way Dimitri hovered on the sidewalk. Dimitri blinked and hesitated.</p>
<p>He was probably weighing how awkward it would be turn around and take the train home at this point. Probably wondering if he should have brought wine or some hospitality flowers and thinking of an excuse to go fetch something and vanish.</p>
<p>Felix knocked on the door and before Dimitri could reply, Sylvain swung it open. He was dressed in a ridiculous silk shirt, dark purple that clashed with his red hair.</p>
<p>Sylvain was the sort of person who might wear a tanktop with some juvenile slogan one day and a velvet suit the next. The fact that it had taken until their third year of college for him to realize that he was perfectly capable of being attracted to men as well as women was mind-boggling. By that point, Felix was so used to being the group’s angry queer, he almost felt resentful.</p>
<p>“Come in, come in!” Sylvain said and Felix could tell from his voice that he was already pretty drunk. “Welcome to my humble abode!”</p>
<p>Felix snorted and stepped in, making sure Dimitri trailed miserably after him. Nothing about the abode was humble, inside or outside.</p>
<p>The living room on the first floor was crammed with furniture and art and food on every available surface. Sylvain had clearly outdone himself despite the fact that all of them had already eaten dinner. Felix was fairly certain he spotted gold leaf on some of the cupcakes and Sylvain seemed to be in the process of pouring absinthe over a few antique glasses.</p>
<p>Annette and Mercedes were sitting together on the couch while Ingrid was slouched into an armchair, face firmly in her phone. Ashe had claimed a wooden stool and Dedue perched on the futon although he stood up to offer his spot as they entered. Drinks had clearly been poured and consumed already and Sylvain had also laid out a sort of bouquet of canned beverages, including sparkling water to Felix’s relief.</p>
<p>Some sort of bizarre approximation of what Sylvain must think of as sophisticated jazz was playing on a record player, but otherwise the room was silent.</p>
<p>The uncomfortable sort of silent where it was clear everyone had just been talking.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Felix said bluntly and then threw himself down onto the futon beside Dedue.</p>
<p>Dimitri hovered in the threshold of the room and Felix watched as everyone’s gaze roamed over him, taking in the eyepatch, the long hair, the pallid face, the lean frame. Felix patted the futon next to him and the spell seemed to break. Dimitri silently took a seat beside him.</p>
<p>“It’s been so long,” Mercedes began, smiling and looking around hopefully, “I don’t think we’ve all been in the same room for… over five years now.”</p>
<p>“Can I get anyone anything?” Sylvain called out, clearly puttering around the bar cart as a method of avoidance. He was cutting a small mountain of limes for some unknown reason. “Food, drink, specialty cocktail?”</p>
<p>No one responded until Annette took pity on him and requested a specialty cocktail, which seemed to require an absinthe wash, gin, and an infused herbal syrup from a mason jar.</p>
<p>Felix reached forward and popped open one of the sparkling waters.</p>
<p>“I suppose we ought to catch up,” Dedue announced, like he was opening the floor to questions after a conference presentation. “Perhaps share with one another what we have been doing for those five years.”</p>
<p>“Well,” Ingrid cleared her throat. “I work for a nonprofit. We help to provide food security to families in the area through building resource hubs and community partnerships.” </p>
<p>She spoke while clearly looking at Dimitri, the only person present who might possibly not know about her job. For all his enormous height, Dimitri managed to look like a recoiling rabbit spotting a hawk.</p>
<p>“Oh,” he finally managed to respond. “Good, that sounds… very important.”</p>
<p>Ingrid's expression went a bit sour at that.</p>
<p>“I’m still working on my doctoral degree,” Annette added, her tone cheerful and forced, “same with Ashe, except his is in literature. Mine is genetics, also. Oh, and medical school. Just sort of all the degrees, basically.”</p>
<p>“That is very impressive,” Dimitri nearly whispered, looking firmly at the coffee table.</p>
<p>“Well, we already know all about our boring lives,” Sylvian said suddenly and Felix could hear a challenge in his voice. “So, what about you, old friend? Where have the last five years taken you?”</p>
<p>Dimitri finally looked up. Felix wanted to flip the table and leave as fast as he could.</p>
<p>He couldn’t stand this. It was the worst sort of posturing, the type that had always infuriated him.</p>
<p>That attitude of successful preening and subtle degradation that had turned his father into the sort of man who could pretend that the death of his teenaged son in a car bombing was some noble sacrifice.</p>
<p>“Well, I expect you already know some of it,” Dimitri said, and his words were steady. “I spent a year in a residential treatment facility while my lawyers worked out a plea deal to avoid jailtime. Now, I have an apartment and an allowance that my uncle manages on the condition that I continue to see three different mental health professionals a week and take an assortment of pills that make me numb, tired, shaky, sick to my stomach, and unable to sleep.”  </p>
<p>No one spoke a word.</p>
<p>“So, I would say I am doing much better now,” Dimitri said and Felix spotted a faint, uncertain smile curling the corners of his lips.</p>
<p>The tension evaporated as Sylvain began to laugh.</p>
<p>“This is the weirdest night of my life,” he chuckled, finally coming out from behind the bar and handing Annette her drink. “But seriously? Seriously, I’m glad you’re honest about it.”</p>
<p>Dimitri’s smile widened to a real one.</p>
<p>“I’ve learned to appreciate the absurdity of my situation,” he said. “My mind might be an absolute mess, but at least there’s no point pretending otherwise now. I’m a sad recluse whose main pastimes are therapy workbooks and managing the side effects of the medicine that keeps me functional.”</p>
<p>“Hey, I get it,” Sylvain shrugged. “I’m supposed to have a therapist to help me with my 'damaging fear of abandonment' or whatever, but I keep taking the prescriptions and bolting before they have time to work out a real diagnosis. Then I run through all the anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds or whatever they tried me on and break up with someone and freak out and start the process all over again.”</p>
<p>Felix felt his eyes widen despite himself. Sylvain had never spoken about it before.</p>
<p>Felix had known for years about the pattern after a drunken Sylvain had messily tried to offer him a Xanax in a bar bathroom, but Sylvain was so slippery, he’d never managed to get an acknowledgement until now.</p>
<p>“I’ve actually been seeing a therapist as well,” Annette admitted, her arms suddenly drawn around her sides. “Not for medicine, just… to talk about my family with someone objective. Before, I would always convince myself that my dad had wanted the best for me, but it’s nice to have someone to check and tell me when something is not normal.”</p>
<p>“Not to try to one up anyone,” Felix added cautiously, “but I was ordered by a court to get counseling for my anger after I punched someone at a concert for talking too loudly.”</p>
<p>Dimitri glanced at him, brows drawn as though this surprised him more than any of the others.</p>
<p>“It was a metal concert, I was pretty out of line,” Felix shrugged. “I do the therapy by video since I can’t be in the same fucking room with anyone while we talk about feelings. After three sessions, she told me that she thought I might be responding to trauma rather than just having trouble managing my anger. I broke the laptop throwing it across the room. But I kept showing up for the appointments.”</p>
<p>He hadn’t told his friends any of that before, just that he saw someone and worked on not being so volatile. It hadn’t been relevant, he’d told himself. He didn’t want to worry them.</p>
<p>He was only just realizing that was stupid bullshit.</p>
<p>“If we’re doing this,” Ashe said and his voice sounded strange and thick. “I think… I think I’m dropping out of my PhD program. I’m not… I like the books and the students, but the professors think my research is ridiculous and I feel like an idiot all the time. And I’m not happy, and it feels like I wasted five years of my life and I let everyone down who told me I should…”</p>
<p>He broke off as he seemed unable to talk. Annette leaned over and put a hand on his knee.</p>
<p>“It’s just all so unfair,” Ingrid burst out. “Ashe, you’re so incredible and creative and it makes me so angry. And I’m angry at all of your families for being shitty, and I’m angry at the world for being unfair, and I’m angry at my job for not changing things more and faster. And I’m so tired of debt and living in a shitty apartment and working all the time and being so stressed and so angry!”</p>
<p>Her face had gone red and she put her hands over her eyes like she could force the tears back into them. Sylvain gingerly handed her a tissue, his expression nervous and yet tender.</p>
<p>“My brother got out of jail,” Mercedes said, so mildly it took everyone a moment to understand what she was talking about.  Mercedes often spoke of her half-brother like he wasn’t in jail for killing her step-father, but she’d never tried to conceal the story from them. “My mother and I still have a no-contact order, but… I’m a bit frightened.”</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Felix said, relaxing his head back onto the futon.</p>
<p>“I have nothing more to add, but to say that my job is upsetting and often results in failure,” Dedue murmured into the quiet. “But I am glad not to be alone in such a world.”</p>
<p>“Wow,” Sylvain said with an anxious laugh, “that got heavy. Um, welcome back Dimitri. That was all totally for your benefit, by the way. Completely planned so you wouldn’t feel so awkward about being crazy.”</p>
<p>“Sylvain!” Ingrid snarled, and jabbed him in the side.</p>
<p>“I appreciate that,” Dimitri said. “Being crazy is very, very awkward. And I hope you all know that… that I am so sorry for hurting you and I don’t expect forgiveness. But I have missed you all, terribly, and I’m very happy to be here. Even if I’ve made the evening sad.”</p>
<p>“Sad?” Annette pretended to scoff. “Us? No way! Not when you’re here to give us those classic sincere Dimitri speeches.”</p>
<p>“Seriously,” Ashe added, “it’s like I’m in a sports movie. You could make dropping a bagel into an inspiring tear jerker.”</p>
<p>“Oh, this is wonderful,” Mercedes smiled. “Let’s eat some of these cupcakes and play Settlers of Catan!”</p>
<p>“I’ll try to avoid being driven to my second mental breakdown,” Dimitri sighed. “But you’ll have to let me win.”</p>
<p>In the end, Ingrid won. But Felix had the longest road.</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>The party broke up around midnight when everyone who worked the next morning had to head home. Ingrid was already mostly asleep on the futon and it seemed probable she would end up staying the night yet again.</p>
<p>Sylvain’s place was closer to her work and didn’t involve her sneaking past her terrible roommates, and no one would ever dare to suggest that she actually enjoyed Sylvain’s company enough that she <em>liked</em> staying at his house.</p>
<p>Felix consented to a brief hug from Annette and Mercedes as they said their goodbyes.</p>
<p>“Send me more pictures of the cat,” he told them. “And Ashe? I want the next robot book.”</p>
<p>“Absolutely,” Ashe grinned widely. All of them were pretty drunk except for Dedue and Dimitri, who had both abstained.</p>
<p>“Oh Felix,” Annette wailed, grabbing him for a second hug, “I miss you so much. You have to come visit us, please! And text me back better!”</p>
<p>“I will,” he agreed.</p>
<p>Behind him he noticed that Dimitri had returned to his anxious lurking while they all said their goodbyes.</p>
<p>“Actually, I’ll just text the new group thread,” Felix amended his statement. “As long as Sylvain agrees not to send a hundred shitty GIFs at 4am and kill it.”</p>
<p>“No guarantees!” Sylvain saluted drunkenly from the couch.</p>
<p>Dedue and Ashe got off of the train first once they were back downtown.</p>
<p>Dedue seemed anxious to get the drunk and clearly very existentially stressed Ashe to bed before his early flight the next morning, but also hesitant to leave Dimitri.</p>
<p>“I can take the train by myself,” Dimitri muttered just at the edge of Felix’s hearing as Dedue bent down to whisper to him. “I’ve lived here practically my entire life.”</p>
<p>Which left just Felix and Dimitri again. Felix really did live only a few subway stops north of him.</p>
<p>“Glad I forced you to come?” Felix asked after a few seconds of sleepy nodding in the train car. He wasn’t that drunk, but he felt a bit soggy, dulled and slowed by the alcohol. Inhibitions dangerously lowered without the benefit of being too smashed to act of them.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Dimitri replied quietly. “Thank you, Felix.”</p>
<p>“No need to thank me,” Felix snorted. “I was just there.”</p>
<p>“Thank you for making me feel like someone wanted me there so I would actually make it through the door,” Dimitri said. “Seeing old friends actually helped tremendously even if I did inspire some… discomfort initially.”</p>
<p>“Wasn’t discomfort,” Felix objected. “We needed to talk about that shit. You were just our window of opportunity.”</p>
<p>“I can’t help but feel someone responsible, however, for some part of your sadness. Without me, you all might have more fond memories to enjoy at your reunion.”</p>
<p>That statement evoked such a deep and powerful spike of rage in Felix that he worried momentarily that he would start shouting. The train slowed at Dimitri’s stop and he stood to leave, but Felix followed him out.  </p>
<p>“You don’t have to--“ Dimitri began in alarm.</p>
<p>“I’m not fucking done with you,” Felix growled and then gestured to the stairs. “Walk and fucking talk.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Dimitri said, his face drawn with worry again as his words filled with panic. “I’m sorry, whatever I said, I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“It’s not… ugh, I’m not angry with you, I’m just… having a stupid defensive trauma response thing,” Felix said as he sped relentlessly up the stairs and onto the sidewalk. “I hate it when you act like we’d be better off without you because it makes me think you’re planning to disappear again.”</p>
<p>“I’m not,” Dimitri said, suddenly penitent and meek.</p>
<p>“We do have fond memories, you idiot, and it’s because you’re in them,” Felix said rapidly, the combination of his hammering heart and the alcohol still in his stomach making him unsteady. “Some of those memories hurt now. Like memories of Glenn hurt now. But that doesn’t mean I’d rather forget them or pretend that it was all fine and everyone is happy again.”</p>
<p>“I understand,” Dimitri said. He was hurrying after Felix despite his long legs and he spoke in the same small voice.</p>
<p>“Because we’re all in our mid-twenties and struggling and failing to live up to expectations,” Felix continued, no longer sure where the unusually long speech was taking him. “There’s plenty of other stuff to ‘cause our sadness.’ Don’t add yourself to the fucking list. I want you back.”</p>
<p>He clapped a hand to his own mouth after the last words escaped. Dimitri fell silent.</p>
<p>“I do too.”</p>
<p>Dimitri’s apartment building still looked like a guarded fortress when they arrived there. Felix had decided to walk the rest of the way home to burn off the tense energy he’d accumulated rapidly that night.</p>
<p>Dimitri lingered in front of the door to the lobby for a moment, randomly fumbling with his keys.</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Felix.”</p>
<p>“Hm.”</p>
<p>Dimitri turned to the door.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Felix said before he could escape. “Two weeks from now, Ingrid and I are supposed to go hiking upstate. Sylvain has a car we can steal because he’s rich and crazy. Should be pretty isolated. You should come.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t want to interrupt you and Ingrid--“</p>
<p>“I’ll text you the details."</p>
<p>Felix walked off into the darkness without waiting for a response. Dimitri had his opportunity now to slink away if he wanted to. Perhaps the reunion was their closure, their last meeting as a group. The funeral for a long dead friendship.</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>He checked his phone after work in the locker room a few days later. The group thread. A number he hadn't seen there in a long time. The only number that hadn’t previously sent a message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Plans for next weekend?’</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Mea Culpa for bringing up Love Never Dies in literally any context</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The post-reunion life of Felix was exceptionally different. He was busy for one thing.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like he’d done nothing with his time previously, but suddenly his calendar filled up with events. It was like he’d spent the past five years in a holding pattern, waiting for the cosmic pause on his life to finally end. And apparently, that pause had ended as soon as Dimitri reappeared.</p>
<p>They did go hiking with Ingrid, firstly.</p>
<p>The drive was a bit uncomfortable. Dimitri sat silently in the back while Ingrid nervously filled the silence with her usual good-natured lecturing.</p>
<p>Once they were actually out on the trail, though, it was kind of nice. The woods removed the pressure to make conversation outside of occasionally pointing out a tree or an insect. Felix always felt better when he was moving. And Dimitri demonstrated a surprising knowledge of local bird calls he’d probably watched a documentary about during whatever passed for fun in his book.</p>
<p>When they drove back to the city, Felix thought again that this would be the last time. Dimitri would vanish now that his obligation to check in on them had dissipated. Felix braced himself.</p>
<p>But he didn’t.</p>
<p>Sylvain invited them all to an art showcase he’d organized at a warehouse venue where the audience was packed into a dark and anonymous mass. Sylvain rarely performed anymore, but he booked venues and managed shows for several of his art friends and Felix usually ended up begrudgingly attending.</p>
<p>This particular show occurred in a massive dark room hung with misshapen yarn dolls and the dance itself appeared to be some sort of sad burlesque performance set to haunting distorted old jazz. Definitely too weird for Felix.</p>
<p>But Dimitri came.</p>
<p>He came and he paid compliments to the performance after the show, carefully noting the technical difficulty involved in dripping candlewax over one’s own bare breasts while sobbing. Sylvain beamed.</p>
<p>And while Dimitri did rush home after the show, seemingly eager to leave the crowd once the lights were back on, he messaged the group afterwards to profusely thank them for extending the invitation.</p>
<p>Felix began to relax despite himself. Each time he heard from Dimitri, it felt like the mild pain of remembering to release a fist clenched until the knuckles went white. It was starting to feel normal.</p>
<p>Dimitri met him for coffee again, although this time they walked in the park and Dimitri brought a thermos of herbal tea, which was ridiculous.</p>
<p>Dimitri somehow got Felix talking about video games and before he knew what he was doing, he’d been ranting about his in-depth strategies and stats for nearly half an hour.</p>
<p>“I enjoy it, actually,” Dimitri laughed when Felix apologized for monopolizing their conversation with nonsense. “It’s interesting! And you’re so passionate about everything you do.”</p>
<p>Felix felt his familiar anger flare with humiliation, but he would have to be a fool not to know that was a compliment. How was it that Dimitri managed to get him to talk so much and so intensely?</p>
<p>They were friends again, Felix realized.</p>
<p>They’d been friends before, but that had been completely different.</p>
<p>When they were friends growing up together, their companionship had been the easy devotion of children whose parents left them to play together without other options for entertainment.</p>
<p>Then the horror of mutual loss had bound them together even as it made what had once been simple into a mess.</p>
<p>At the boarding schools they’d attended together, Dimitri had been well-liked. He and Felix had played sports together and studied together, shared competitive spirits giving them plenty of reason to remain companions. But Dimitri had also been popular, shared among many friends and acquaintances.</p>
<p>Felix hadn’t minded. Having Dimitri as a friend had always shielded him from the worst cruelties of adolescents. Outside of the time Felix had beaten another boy into the dirt for calling him queer (a verbal jab that bothered him due to tone rather than a reason to object to the charge), Felix had never experienced much in the way of juvenile bullying.</p>
<p>Then at college, their friendship had been a source of security. Despite the newness of it all, Dimitri was constant. He was dependably himself, serious and a little stodgy and a little charming despite his best efforts.</p>
<p>This new friendship was nothing like that.</p>
<p>There was nothing to bind them together naturally, there was no familiar comfort, there was no clear mutual benefit. It was a difficult friendship, one that had to be chosen and worked on and maintained.</p>
<p>And they were doing it.</p>
<p>It was a few months after the reunion that Ashe messaged the group thread to propose a revival of a long-forgotten <em>Dungeons and Dragons</em> campaign he’d gotten them to try on and off during their college years.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Forgot how to play dnd.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix messaged the thread, but Annette replied with a thumbs down and several frowny faces for his attitude.</p>
<p>He was in an irritable mood. Not a bad mood exactly, just prickly, like every form of stimulus was bothersome to him.</p>
<p>He’d worked an overfull schedule that week when someone called in sick and the constant deluge of managing to buy food and do laundry and keep his apartment clean was slowly crushing his spirit.</p>
<p>Ashe responded to his text after Annette had finished her virtual shaming.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘No pressure to play if it’s too stressful! I could just seriously use some escapism right now!’</em>
</p>
<p>That was actually a fair point, damn him. Felix preferred high adrenaline forms of escape, but he was trying to be better to his friends, trying to do things that actually let him see his friends, so he might as well.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I’ll remember rules eventually. When?’ </em>
</p>
<p>He replied and the thread devolved into confusing discussions of characters and Ashe trying to send large links to complex maps of his own devising.</p>
<p>Felix rustled around in his closet for where he was fairly certain he’d kept the character sheet Ashe had made for him.</p>
<p>He usually threw out things most people might consider memorabilia, but he kept a single plastic bin of the material detritus he’d deemed worthy of keeping. </p>
<p>There was his birth certificate, his passport, his voter registration. There was his diploma and his fencing gloves.</p>
<p>There was a faded polaroid of Glenn grinning at the camera in front of distant ocean waves.</p>
<p>There was a glossy official photo of Sylvain, Ingrid, Dimitri and him at their high school graduation, Felix scowling, Sylvain and Ingrid grinning, and Dimitri looking lost, like he hadn’t even realized a photo was being taken.</p>
<p>There was a print copy of his senior honors thesis with Professor Byleth’s handwritten comments preserved on every page.</p>
<p>Felix retrieved the character sheet and tried to glance over the information. Kyphon, human rogue, criminal background. He had downloaded the stats pre-generated from some website and only given it the attention needed to focus on battle strategy.</p>
<p>When he checked his phone again, there was a text from Dimitri.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I would enjoy playing again if it wouldn’t bother anyone. However, would it be possible to play as a different character?’</em>
  
</p>
<p>Felix squinted at the message, trying to remember what Dimitri’s character had even been. Some sort of warrior guy, Felix recalled, because Ashe had reassured him it would be easier than attempting a spellcaster.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Of course! We can just say Loog the barbarian went off on a quest of his own. Message me privately and we can talk backstory!’ </em>
</p>
<p>Ashe replied and Felix felt his stomach clench a little.</p>
<p>Of course. Dimitri probably didn’t need the escapism of playing as a barbarian who frequently flew into a rage.</p>
<p>Felix shifted to his private conversation with Dimitri and sent a message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Hey. You want to play this dnd thing on the same screen? Rules seem very confusing.’  </em>
</p>
<p>Dimitri sent a message back a few moments later.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Please, do not feel any obligation to help me. I can read through the handbook this week.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix tossed his phone down onto his bed very hard.</p>
<p>Fine, he thought, slamming his way out of his apartment and downstairs to retrieve his laundry from his buildings disgusting basement. That was fine.</p>
<p>His clothes were never fucking dry and he wasn’t going to put more quarters in the stupid machine and of course Dimitri preferred to do this idiotic game by himself in his own apartment.</p>
<p>He flung his clothes out over the backs of chairs and hung some of the dampest ones up in the closet when he got back upstairs.</p>
<p>All instincts told him not to be a desperate loser and immediately check his phone when he heard it buzzing again. He checked it anyways.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Sorry, unless you’d like to play together? I may have automatically assumed that offer was only charity.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix suddenly felt much less irritated with everything in the world.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘It’ll be a clusterfuck. Need someone to keep me from muting myself and getting distracted.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He sent the response and then picked his way through the drying laundry chaos of his apartment.</p>
<p>It was, he reflected, pretty funny. He couldn’t even talk to a professional therapist with the video on and now here he was, signing up to pretend to be elves and wizards and nonsense with his college friends in full display of all of them.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘You are welcome to my apartment then. And I am sorry again for my prior message. I hope you will believe it when I say that I am actually looking forward to this very much.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Dimitri sent another message after a few minutes had elapsed. Looking forward to this, Felix wondered, rereading the text.</p>
<p>He didn’t recall Dimitri ever being particularly invested in their college attempt as a D&amp;D campaign. Usually it had been Annette and Ashe getting excited, and Sylvain enjoying a chance to make lewd puns while Dimitri had sat quietly and looked vaguely mystified with the dice in front of him.</p>
<p>At the end of the week, they coordinated a date to meet on Sunday afternoon.</p>
<p>Scheduling these things appeared to be a nightmare. In the end, Dedue had begged them to play without him as he was apparently swamped with cases and needed the weekend to read through the files. Felix worked a shift that morning at the gym, but he showered and took the train to the upper west as soon as he had finished.</p>
<p>He felt self-conscious of the papers in his bag as he walked to the subway stop. While he might enjoy some types of games, mainly ones that allowed him to utterly destroy other players online, he felt oddly resentful about Ashe wanting to play D&amp;D. Couldn’t they just enjoy a board game without the pressure to pretend to be other people?</p>
<p>When he got to Dimitri’s apartment, he answered the door, looking a bit livelier than usual.</p>
<p>He’d tied some of his hair back out of his face, like Felix had seen him do when he was jogging. It made him look less sad, less like he was trying to hide. Like this, the eyepatch didn’t disturb Felix in the same way. It was just a distinctive part of his face, somehow making his cheekbones more prominent.</p>
<p>“Let me guess, you actually did read the whole handbook,” Felix said as Dimitri smiled slightly in greeting.</p>
<p>“I have a lot of time on my hands,” Dimitri admitted with a shy laugh. “Come in. I apologize again, we’ll have to sit at the table.”</p>
<p>Felix stepped inside. The apartment was the same barren white room, clean and lined with books. And on the windowsill…</p>
<p>“And you actually got a cactus?” Felix could hardly believe it, staring at the tiny plant now sitting atop a stack of books.</p>
<p>“Oh, yes,” Dimitri admitted, occupying himself with setting up a laptop on the table and avoiding Felix’s eyes.</p>
<p>“Well, clearly you’re in a very complaint mood,” Felix remarked. It definitely sounded mean once he’d voiced it. “It, um, looks good. Still alive and all that.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Dimitri said quietly and Felix stopped pacing around the room and headed over for the kitchen table.</p>
<p>Dimitri had actually bought a set of dice, the fancy kind with blue glitter and marbled swirls of color. It would be easy to mock but for the fact that it was such an earnest gesture towards trying to play the game correctly.</p>
<p>“You seem excited about this,” Felix observed. “Why? I don’t recall you giving the campaign much thought back in college.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t back then, outside of knowing it was important to Ashe that we play,” Dimitri said. “But now… I suppose it feels like a way to talk to people and do things without having to worry about acting like myself.”</p>
<p>“That’s the part I can’t do,” Felix grumbled. “And I don’t like being bad at things.</p>
<p>“You know I don’t either,” Dimitri said with a shrug, “but now that I’ve proven to myself how catastrophically bad I am at some things, it’s gotten a little easier.”</p>
<p>“You’re doing alright, though?” Felix asked, uncertain how seriously he needed to take Dimitri’s admissions of his own struggles. He was so free with information about his failings, Felix wasn’t sure when it crossed the line into dangerous negativity.</p>
<p>“I am… having a good few weeks,” Dimitri said. “These periods come and go, but I try to enjoy them while they last.”</p>
<p>“And here you are, wasting it on this.”</p>
<p>Dimitri had opened his computer and was about to join the video chat, but glanced at Felix first.</p>
<p>“Spending time with friends helps me,” he corrected Felix seriously, then a tiny smile tugged at the corner of his lip. “You really are nervous about this, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Just join the stupid call.”</p>
<p>Felix decided he was probably never going to enjoy playing <em>Dungeons and Dragons</em> much, but it was a tolerable three hours. His character got to kill some skeletons and some sort of eyeball creature, which was strategically engaging enough.</p>
<p>Sylvain’s character, who was something called a wild magic sorcerer, kept irritatingly getting himself nearly killed by insisting that he would seduce the monster regardless of what Ashe was clearly telling them about the likelihood of success. Mercedes, who was playing as an elven cleric subtly named Mercy, healed him until she was also functionally useless and tapped.</p>
<p>Annette played as a halfling bard and she had actually written a few original songs to sing in order to give them extra dice, which was as unnecessary as it was adorable. Felix could never find it in his heart to make fun of Annette when she put so much effort into everything she did. </p>
<p>And Dimitri’s new character was a surprise to everyone. Ashe introduced her as a traveler they met on the roadside, a half-elf wizard named Luna searching for her lost sister. It was so against type for Dimitri, but he seemed confident as he sorted through spell cards and he made a few clutch plays, managing to cast ‘hold person’ on an escaping assassin so that the party could interrogate him.</p>
<p>Felix found himself glancing at Dimitri as they played, fascinated by the way that his face lit up as he spoke through his character. He hadn’t gone for some idiotic accent like Sylvain always did, but there was an animated quality to his voice that distinguished the character from the real.</p>
<p>Dimitri actually was good at <em>Dungeons and Dragons</em>, Felix realized with amusement. He felt less resentful of that fact than he might have anticipated.</p>
<p>There was something sort of nice about watching him just… be excited for something.</p>
<p>Ingrid tried her best, her human ranger scoring a few hits, but she was plagued by her shitty apartment’s spotty wifi until Sylvain insisted she just come play at his house next time.</p>
<p>“Come on, Ingrid,” he groaned as she blinked back onto the call for the fourth time, “Annette and Mercedes are on one call, Felix and Dimitri are hanging out, you can just come over here.” </p>
<p>Felix started slightly as someone finally called attention to the fact that he was clearly at Dimitri’s apartment. He’d been sitting stiffly at Dimitri’s kitchen table for three hours almost without realizing, but once he thought about it, his legs were cramped and his lower back was agonizing.</p>
<p>“It does seem somewhat ridiculous to be on a video call with someone in the same city,” Ingrid sighed as she relented.</p>
<p>“I…ah, I’d invite you as well, but, well, these are the only chairs I own,” Dimitri added, the excitement of the game fading back to anxious withdrawal.</p>
<p>“Sylvain, I’m borrowing your car this week,” Felix cut in. Sylvain scoffed.</p>
<p>“Are you then?”</p>
<p>“This place needs a damn couch,” Felix said firmly and glared at Dimitri before he could protest.</p>
<p>“Oh, if we’re hitting up Ikea, you know I’m gonna join,” Sylvain immediately relented. “Love me some little fake houses and plastic plants and cute girls picking out cheap dishware…”</p>
<p>“I guess we ought to wrap up then,” Ashe sighed, clearly noting that their attention spans had run out.</p>
<p>They signed off of the call and the apartment suddenly fell into an uncomfortable silence.</p>
<p>“Right,” Felix said after a moment of fidgeting with the corner of his character sheet. “If you don’t want a couch, I didn’t really ask, so…”</p>
<p>“I do want a couch,” Dimitri rushed to interrupt. He also became suddenly fascinated with putting the dice away into their little velvet bag.</p>
<p>“I could, I mean… let me just go with you to Ikea and get a couch with you,” Felix fumbled onwards, the abrupt tension and stress making him defensive. Why did he always have to sound so fucking mean?</p>
<p>“You don’t have to, I really should be able to do that myself, you don’t need to take responsibility for my… I just haven’t—” Dimitri mumbled.</p>
<p>All of that animation, that relaxed expression on his face, had evaporated and he was back to the nervous, faded remnant of himself. And somehow Felix had done that to him with only a few poorly chosen words.</p>
<p>“I want to,” Felix said, forcing himself to admit it. “It would be… fun.”</p>
<p>“You would really have fun buying a couch?” Dimitri looked skeptical. “I didn’t take you for the, um, decorative type.”</p>
<p>“Okay, so I might not be your ideal Queer Eye intervention,” Felix said, “but I can lift boxes and follow instructions. And I like the little meatballs.”</p>
<p>Dimitri laughed at that. It was weirdly painful to hear him laugh so genuinely. Felix felt briefly like something in his chest ached, like he wanted to smile and wince at the same time. Whatever that feeling was, he had no name for it.</p>
<p>“Alright then, I’ll accept your generous offer,” Dimitri said with a smile. “Then next time we play, I can host you in comfort.”</p>
<p>“Next time. Right."</p>
<p>“Come on, Felix, don’t you want to find out why those gnomish villagers all vanished?”</p>
<p>Felix conceded. Dimitri had gotten a cactus for his sake, and now a couch. The least he could do in return was save a village of gnomes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sylvain apparently did have a genuine and deep interest in going to Ikea so he picked up both Felix and Dimitri that weekend in his car. Sylvain had a driver’s license and theoretically knew how to operate a vehicle, but driving with him was always… turbulent.</p>
<p>“You need to use turn signals, fuck, that cab is changing lanes, Sylvain!” Felix couldn’t help but snap as they swerved through another intersection.</p>
<p>“I got it, I got it,” Sylvain said easily, his voice annoyingly casual, as though Felix was the one overreacting when they had just barely avoided murder by taxi cab.</p>
<p>Felix glanced into the back seat again. Dimitri seemed eerily calm about the whole situation.</p>
<p>Everyone had always assumed he would dislike or possibly even fear car rides given his own traumatic history, but he was apparently totally unbothered by it. Possibly his standards for dangerous car rides were exceptionally high.  </p>
<p>“So, what kind of couch are we getting today? Sectional? Fabric or leather?” Sylvain asked cheerfully.</p>
<p>“I hadn’t really considered,” Dimitri replied. “I suppose whatever you think is best.”</p>
<p>“Fabric. No sectional,” Felix said shortly, trying not to pay too much attention to Sylvain blatantly fiddling with the music instead of focusing on the road.</p>
<p>“Don’t listen to Felix, his apartment is so boring,” Sylvain said.</p>
<p>“I’ve actually, well, I haven’t seen it,” Dimitri admitted. “But I think something boring might be more to my taste.”</p>
<p>“Look, Dimitri, couches are important. You bring somebody home, you always start on the couch,” Sylvain said very seriously. “Ladies need something comfy, clean, and with plenty of space for—”</p>
<p>“I really don’t think that is necessary,” Dimitri said, now clearly distressed. Felix glanced back him again to make sure he wasn’t truly upset, but it seemed more like the familiar flustered distress that Dimitri often exhibited when Sylvain became unselfconsciously lewd.</p>
<p>“Men, though? Don’t give a fuck. Grossest futon in the world and they’ll get down to business, right, Fe?” Sylvain continued, clearly relishing the chance to be cheeky.</p>
<p>“Don’t lump me in with you, you cretin,” Felix replied, but with a quick puff of nearly silent laughter to let Sylvain know he didn’t mean it with any venom.</p>
<p>“Look, I don’t think I’m in a position to be buying a couch with… seductions in mind,” Dimitri stammered from the backseat.</p>
<p>“Why not?” Sylvain asked mildly.</p>
<p>“I’m not… I mean, you know why,” Dimitri said, folding his arms over his chest. He was wearing yet another overlarge black jacket, despite the heat of midsummer. “I’m not well enough for something like that. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be…”</p>
<p>“Bullshit,” Sylvain replied. “You can be plenty unwell and date people, trust me. Not that you have to date anyone. But you obviously could. How the hell do you make that eyepatch work for you?”</p>
<p>“Leave him alone, Sylvain,” Felix cut in. “You’re gonna miss your turn, shit, shit, that’s the turn, that’s the parking lot, Syl—"</p>
<p>They made it into the Ikea alive, somehow.</p>
<p>Inside the store, Dimitri wore a pair of sunglasses. He did look incredibly suspicious, dressed far too warmly for the heat while both Felix and Sylvain wore joggers and cotton t-shirts.</p>
<p>But, Felix thought, if you took away the weirdness, he didn’t look bad exactly. Dimitri never looked bad, even at his worst. He’d always been handsome, always had girls fawning over him.</p>
<p>The eyepatch only made his looks more interesting, more rugged and less conventional. It made the deep blue of his other eye more striking, made the pale gold of his hair falling around his chin more mysterious. And while he was too thin and too pale, he still held himself with the grace of an athlete, still had the bones of a far bigger and stronger man.</p>
<p>“Felix?”</p>
<p>Felix snapped suddenly back to reality. Dimitri was blinking at him with mild concern.</p>
<p>Fuck, he had been staring. Why had he been staring?</p>
<p>It was the eyepatch, damn it, Sylvain had made him think about it and now he felt like an asshole.</p>
<p>“You should get a lamp,” Felix blurted out instead. “And a coffee table. While we’re here.</p>
<p>“Boy’s day at Ikea!” Sylvain whooped as he rushed to grab a cart.</p>
<p>In the end, they managed to pack a couch into the back of Sylvain’s car, alongside a coffee table and a floor lamp that Felix had to contend with awkwardly poking into the back of his head. Sylvain had purchased for himself an enormous stuffed python for reasons unknown and it was draped over him as he drove like a royal cape.</p>
<p>When they did make it back to Dimitri’s apartment, the car having shockingly survived to drive another day, Sylvain stayed in the car to avoid trying to park on the street.</p>
<p>“Great work team,” he said with a thumbs up as Felix carefully shifted the couch onto the street. “Sorry to run out on the assembly, but…”</p>
<p>“I’ll see you Monday,” Felix said, giving Sylvain a soft punch to the shoulder. “And I promise we’ll be doing something way worse than moving a couch."</p>
<p>“My muscles are terrified,” Sylvain grinned. “Oh, and Dimitri, I almost forgot!”</p>
<p>Sylvain popped open the armrest between the seats and rummaged around in the compartment before withdrawing something in a small frame.</p>
<p>“Friend of mine was selling prints and I always buy art from friends,” Sylvain explained, “thought you might like this one, if you’re decorating.”</p>
<p>Felix glanced down at the print. A butter yellow moon against an indigo sky, latticed by black trees that only barely stood out against the dark background. Dimitri held his hand out hesitantly.</p>
<p>“Sylvain this is…” he said softly. “I love it. Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Eh, it’s no big deal,” Sylvain shrugged, rubbing the back of his hair. “I’m almost out of wall space, so I’ve got give more stuff away.”</p>
<p>That was such an archetypical Sylvain maneuver, to try to downplay the incredible kindness he was often capable of. Felix wished he knew how to tell Sylvain that without sounding like an idiot. But he noticed. He always noticed how Sylvain tried to take care of them.</p>
<p>“If your friend has a card or something,” Dimitri said, “I’d love to see more.”</p>
<p>That answer seemed to set Sylvain at ease again. He was always more comfortable bragging about his friends and advertising their success.</p>
<p>They managed to get the couch upstairs without too much struggle, both of them being fairly strong and Dimitri’s arm span being enormous. Once it was in the apartment, Felix got to work on assembling the coffee table, setting Dimitri the relatively simple task of the lamp.</p>
<p>It was automatic, Felix realized, to try to keep Dimitri away from delicate tasks. He’d always been terrible with fine motor skills and, if left to his own devices, he probably would have lost most of the screws and put the pieces on backwards so the unfinished wood showed.</p>
<p>There was something pleasant, even companionable, about working together like this. Dimitri propped up the framed print on one of his book piles and stared at the room with wonder. Felix dusted off the coffee table with a hand as he finished and stood up.</p>
<p>The place was still sparse, but it at least seemed inhabited now. It was a place where, theoretically, other people felt permitted to exist.</p>
<p>“I need to thank you again Felix,” Dimitri said after a moment of silence. “For all if this.”</p>
<p>“For complaining until I forced you to buy a couch?” Felix asked with a hint of amusement.</p>
<p>“I’m serious, please,” Dimitri said, his tone utterly earnest, almost overwhelmingly genuine. “You’re the one who reached out, who wouldn’t let me run away from you again. You’re the one who suggests things, keeps me company when I wouldn’t go alone, makes space so I don’t <em>have</em> to be alone. So, thank you, for being better friend than I know what to do with."</p>
<p>Felix felt very disconcerted by that.   </p>
<p>“Come one,” he said with a roll of his eyes, “let’s test out your couch.”</p>
<p>Felix flung himself onto it. The cushions were softer than he’d expected, enveloping him slightly as he sank towards the center. Dimitri sat on the other half, looking pleased as he also nestled himself into the pillows.</p>
<p>“This is…  very nice,” he said with a half-smile. “I might actually doze off here."</p>
<p>“I might actually be able to think about gnomes for three hours without getting up to pace around the room,” Felix sighed, stretching his arms. </p>
<p>“And the coffee table, I hadn’t realized I needed one of those either,” Dimitri sighed. “If I can stack enough books there, I might never need to move again.”</p>
<p>Felix huffed a small laugh.</p>
<p>“In that case, what have I done?” he said, “You’ll be eaten by your own couch. Dedue will never forgive me.”</p>
<p>“I’ll need to hang the print, though,” Dimitri mused, gazing happily over towards it, “I should hang more things.”</p>
<p>“Maybe you should let me hang the things,” Felix cautioned him. “I remember your last attempt with nails left a hole in your dorm drywall for the rest of the year.”</p>
<p>It was an amusing memory. Dimitri had been so pathetic about it even though he clearly had he money to pay any associated fines. </p>
<p>“I thought you said you weren’t much of a decorator, and now here you are,” Dimitri said.   </p>
<p>Somehow, they had slumped close together on the couch. Felix’s shoulder was pressed against Dimitri’s arm.</p>
<p>And then suddenly, horribly, unbidden, and unwanted, Felix began to think about what Sylvain had said about the reason to buy a couch.</p>
<p>He turned his head, looking up slightly to meet Dimitri’s eye. They were too close.</p>
<p>Dimitri felt warm against his shoulder. The angles of his face lit up in the sunlight through the window, like he was glowing from within.</p>
<p>For a second, Felix felt himself shifting forward, bringing his face up, parting his lips.</p>
<p>Then reality came crashing back down on him with the force of a cymbal crash in his ears and he shoved himself back.</p>
<p>“I should head home,” Felix said quickly.</p>
<p>“Right, of course,” Dimitri said. Blessedly, he appeared not to have noticed Felix’s moment of insanity.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you for D&amp;D,” Felix said and then pinched the bridge of his nose, “I can’t believe that is something that I say now.”</p>
<p>“I will look forward to it,” Dimitri nodded. “This couch is always open to you. I suppose you have joint custody, in a sense.”</p>
<p>Felix tried to repress another wave of panic.</p>
<p>“I’ll bring some nails next time,” he said jerkily, already trying to bundle himself out of the door, “for the picture.”</p>
<p>Felix stumbled out of the building, walking as fast as he could and shooting a glare so menacing at someone trying to shove past him for the subway turnstile that the man physically recoiled.</p>
<p>This was bad, Felix thought as he slammed his way into his apartment, this was extremely fucking bad.</p>
<p>What was wrong with him? Why had he done that?</p>
<p>Because Dimitri was his friend, his best friend, and they were only just barely friends again. And Dimitri was delicate, was barely holding himself together, was drowning and clinging to him for a lifeline, and now he was… he was <em>exploiting</em> that? After Dimitri had literally just told them he was not ready for romantic relationships?</p>
<p>And Dimitri was decidedly very straight, not that it mattered, because Dimitri was decidedly off limits, forever.</p>
<p>Felix wanted to hit something, wanted to run as hard as his body would let him, wanted to break a plate, but he had to settle for lying face down on his bed and furiously screaming into a pillow for a few seconds.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Look, it's just realistic, lonely gay millennials be playing DnD.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next week was particularly bad. He missed breakfast with Ingrid, texting that he was sick without much warning the night before. He was particularly short with Sylvain during their training session, to the point where he almost considered ending it early and refunding the money.</p><p>He was evasive to anyone trying to talk to him, ignoring messages and refusing to admit to anyone what was wrong. He skipped the biweekly phone call to his father without warning or explanation.</p><p>The worst part was, he knew it was bad. He always knew when he was acting like this that he was being an asshole, but he couldn’t stop it. He was just angry. Angry and he couldn’t do anything to fix it.  </p><p>Mostly, it was because he was angry with himself.</p><p>He’d grown up with Dimitri, known him through all the awkward phases of adolescence, shared changing rooms and even beds with him at away-games, and he’d never had a problem with it before. He’d noticed, certainly, that Dimitri was good looking, but he wasn’t some desperate horny animal with no self-control.</p><p>Until suddenly, now, he was.</p><p>It was infuriating. Mostly infuriating because why now? What was wrong with him that he was only feeling this now, when Dimitri was the most vulnerable he’d ever been? What sick, twisted part of him was attracted to that?</p><p>Dimitri had dated a few girls in high school, although not particularly seriously. Not in the same sense as Sylvain--Dimitri just seemed too serious and polite to ever date anyone he didn’t intend some eternal marriage with.</p><p>Then in college, he’d had a serious girlfriend for about a year. She’d been odd, a quiet girl completely unlike the bright young class president types he’d always favored before. In the end, she’d graduated a year earlier than them, gotten into vet school, and apparently ended things amicably.</p><p>Dimitri had been a bit mopey for a week, but he’d gotten over it. Gotten over it, or gotten obsessed with something else far more damaging in the long run.</p><p>And Felix hadn’t felt a thing. He’d never been jealous. In college, he didn’t date, exactly, but he had plenty of casual companions. Even now, he could probably hop on an app and have someone in his bed the next night.</p><p>So why now? Why the fuck now was he lying awake at night, trying not to think about Dimitri, about Dimitri leaning against this shoulder, about the flush in Dimitri’s cheeks as he finished a run?</p><p>The disembodied voice of the therapist offered no clear answers to the problem.</p><p>“I don’t know what to do,” Felix admitted after spitting out the gist of the problem like he was confessing under torture. “It’s making me act horribly and it needs to stop, but how?”</p><p>“What is it about these feelings that bother you?”</p><p>“That they exist,” Felix replied petulantly. “And they’re… wrong.”</p><p>“What about them seems wrong?”</p><p>“Because the person I’m attracted to has a horrible mental illness and I don’t want…” Felix took a deep breath. “I don’t want add to his problems. I don’t want to stress him out or make him feel guilty.”</p><p>“Do you believe that people with mental illness cannot have healthy romantic relationships?”</p><p>“What?” Felix’s hands seized at his knees. He was resting his head against them again, tucked into a ball on the floor beside his couch. “No, I’m not… he’s an adult, he could…”</p><p>“It sounds like you’re worried that if he had to reject a romantic advance from you, it would be upsetting or challenging to your friendship.”</p><p>“Yes,” Felix said. “That.”</p><p>“Well, I hate to tell you this, but most people in the world feel the same way when they develop romantic feelings for a close friend,” the voice from the speakers sighed. “Please remember that it is not wrong to feel attracted to someone if you respect their right not to reciprocate. Most people would be flattered to know that someone felt that way. Your friend might feel awkward, but if you have a bond beyond physical attraction, you can preserve that.” </p><p>“Fuck,” Felix said after a moment. “This isn’t helping.”</p><p>“Felix, you need to remember that you are still in control. You don’t have to act on these feelings. In time, they might go away if they really are unwelcome. Until then, let’s make a plan for some ways to take care of yourself and try to relieve some of this stress…”</p><p>He did actually start to feel better after that, although it was the slow and irritating way of real progress. He forced himself to respond to messages, dragged himself to a morning yoga that did take some tension out of him, and cut his caffeine in half so he could actually sleep at a reasonable hour. It helped enough.</p><p>On the weekend, he kept his breakfast meeting with Ingrid, this time at a diner in her neighborhood. She ordered a massive omelet and potatoes while he had scrambled eggs and bacon laden with hot sauce.</p><p>“Sorry about last week,” he muttered as the food came and Ingrid sighed with bliss at the first bite.</p><p>“Something has been going around,” Ingrid said breezily, “one of my roommates keeps leaving used tissues all over the living room. Used! And if I for some reason don’t want to live surrounded by snot, I have to touch them to throw them away!”</p><p>“Some people, huh.” Felix said automatically, hoping she’d take over the conversation for a while.</p><p>“Sylvain said he got a couch with you and Dimitri last week,” Ingrid said, unfortunately changing the subject, or maybe just catching him in a lie.</p><p>“Right,” Felix said, “we did.”</p><p>Ingrid raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“So how was it?” She pressed him.</p><p>“Blue. Fabric. No sectional.”</p><p>“Felix!”</p><p>“Sorry,” he sighed. “It was good. Sylvain managed not to kill us with the car.”</p><p>“According to him, he thinks Dimitri is getting a couch so that he can start bringing women to his apartment,” Ingrid said with faint disgust. “That isn’t true… right?”</p><p>“I doubt it. How would I know?” Felix said, trying to occupy himself with eating as best as he could. “What was the name of that girl he dated in college? The sad one?”</p><p>“Marianne,” Ingrid said, her voice softening. “She was rather nice. Maybe they have reconnected as well?”</p><p>“I always thought she was dull,” Felix said, “very mopey.”</p><p>Ingrid was giving him a searching and unusual look.</p><p>“I didn’t think you paid much attention to her,” she said, carefully neutral.</p><p>“I didn’t. Just had a bad feeling. You never much like Sylvain’s rotating cast of romantic partners,” Felix said defensively.</p><p>That was a low blow. Ingrid pressed her lips together.</p><p>“That’s because he never much likes them either,” she said stiffly.</p><p>Felix schooled himself. This was Ingrid. She was his friend and she was sensitive when it came to Sylvain.</p><p>He would never call what Ingrid had an ‘unrequited crush’ because whatever it was that kept her dragging Sylvain out of trouble was clearly deeper and far more painful than that.</p><p>“Well, he’s lucky to have you,” Felix forced himself to say. “That’s all I meant. I just want to look out for our people.”</p><p>Ingrid shared a smile with him and he thought he had never understood her so well in his life.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Felix trudged onward through the next few weeks, feeling like he was clinging by the fingertips. The feelings absolutely did not go away, if anything, they got worse.</p><p>His heart would leap into his mouth every time he got a text, and he would go scrambling to see if it was Dimitri.</p><p>The next time they met in person, Dedue luckily joined them, but Felix still caught himself staring for uncomfortable intervals when he was supposed to be listening.</p><p>He had a dream so embarrassing, he had to get up for several hours and take a cold shower.</p><p>He even tried redownloading an app and experiencing an entourage of explicit photos, but he couldn’t bring himself to set up a meeting with any of the faceless abs and dicks.</p><p>He had to restrain himself somehow, so he set literal timers on his phone so he wouldn’t respond to all of Dimitri’s messages so instantaneously. He made the calculated decision to cancel a casual meetup in the park and left early from one of the D&amp;D sessions, inventing a work conflict.</p><p>But even after a month, he could not stop his imagination, tormenting him day and night with images of Dimitri.</p><p>Felix tried listing the things he found unattractive about him, fixing those things in his mind as best he could.</p><p>Dimitri could be fairly clumsy with his hands. He’d used to break pens during class with the strength of his grip. Which now suddenly seemed… less unattractive. How strong were his hands?</p><p>His taste in music was terrible, Felix reminded himself. Felix knew he was a bit of a snob about these things, but Dimitri was at another level. It was like his brain had become perpetually trapped in 2005. Felix had once caught him tearing up to Coldplay’s <em>Fix You</em>. Which now seemed… endearing. Charmingly earnest and disgustingly cute. Coldplay, of all things!</p><p>As much as he tried avoiding him, nothing was working.  </p><p>And to make matters worse, Felix could tell something was wrong. Maybe it was him, suddenly so cagey and jumpy and quick to extricate himself.</p><p>But Dimitri seemed to be fading.</p><p>He was quieter. Even when Ashe tried to keep him engaged in the D&amp;D story, he grew less animated, only rolling the dice when instructed, hardly ever speaking in between.</p><p>He looked more nervous in public, hiding himself inside and shifting his runs even earlier in the morning to beat the heat and the crowds. He sent fewer messages to Felix, to the group, to anyone.</p><p>And Felix could do nothing but watch and feel partially responsible.</p><p>It came to a head when Dimitri began to bow out of everything.</p><p>
  <em>‘Unfortunately, I do not think I will be able to play for the next few weeks. Please keep going without me, I would hate to disrupt the game.’</em>
</p><p>Dimitri sent the message to the group thread on Friday morning when Ashe had begun the weekly process of finding a time on Sunday that worked for everyone.</p><p>
  <em>‘That’s perfectly alright, we can take a short break so you won’t miss anything! There’s a website that lets you play boardgames online if anyone is interested for this week.’ </em>
</p><p>Ashe responded and a few other people chimed in saying they’d be fine with changing it up while Mercedes promised to send virtual cat pictures regardless.</p><p>Felix considered just ignoring the whole conversation and pretending that everything was fine. But the last time he’d done that…</p><p>The last time he hadn’t checked in when he could tell something was off, Dimitri had lost an eye.</p><p>He sent Dimitri a private message, unsure how to ask the question.</p><p>
  <em>‘You good?’ </em>
</p><p>The message clearly didn’t suffice. No response came.</p><p>By evening Felix was too anxious to do anything but flip through tabs on his computer and check his phone every few seconds. Nothing. No reply. No acknowledgement.</p><p>Felix considered sending another message, but he didn’t want to seem as desperate as he felt. Besides, what could he do? He was in no position right now to be a helpful friend, not with the way his body and mind conspired to betray him.</p><p>So he turned to his final option and called Dedue.</p><p>“Felix, is everything alright?” Dedue answered the phone, sounding like he was walking somewhere outside. Probably heading home from work, Felix thought, regretting his decision more with every second. “You don’t usually call.”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Felix said harshly. “I wanted to check about Dimitri. He hasn’t been responsive, cancelled plans, you know.”</p><p>“Yes,” Dedue agreed, “that is not unusual for him, I’m afraid. I don’t believe you need to worry yet, but perhaps it would be good for us to go see him this week.”</p><p>“Us?” Felix didn’t understand.</p><p>“He would probably enjoy seeing you,” Dedue said. “Do not take the lack of responses personally, I believe the isolation is a side effect of a depressive episode. Unless you do not wish to go?”</p><p>“I—” Felix was truly caught off guard. He’d thought he was merely reporting the situation to Dedue who would handle it, who had been handling it for the past four years.</p><p>But it made sense, he realized. Felix was the one who had called, who had seemed concerned. Dedue would probably appreciate the help.</p><p>“I’m not sure if I could do anything useful,” Felix said after a pause. “I’m not really good with fixing stuff like this.”</p><p>“No one expects you to fix anything,” Dedue replied. “That’s what all of those expensive psychiatrists are supposed to do. All we can do is show that we care.”</p><p>“Fine,” Felix said, already worrying that this was a very, very bad idea.</p><p>He met Dedue outside of the apartment Sunday evening. Dedue had a paper shopping bag that seemed to be full of Tupperware in one hand. He had dressed down from his usual suit to a just a regular business casual.</p><p>Felix hung behind, let Dedue knock on the door. Dimitri opened it very slowly.</p><p>Inside, Felix could feel that the air conditioner was on high, blasting them with frigid air. Dimitri opened the door with his body mostly shielded behind it. He was wearing a hooded sweater despite it being late summer and he had the hood pulled up.</p><p>If he’d seemed a little melancholy before, now he was… obviously unwell.</p><p>He looked bad, Felix thought and then felt palpable relief. He wasn’t good at putting names to his emotions, but he could tell that the stab of pain in his chest and the cold pit settling in his stomach were not attraction. He was concerned, achingly so, but he was not lusting after Dimitri in this state.</p><p>Dedue walked in without comment and began unpacking the paper back into the fridge. Meals, Felix realized, he had made at least a week’s worth of food.</p><p>Dimitri went to silently sit back on the couch once he’d relocked the door. The lights were off but for the fading gleam of the sunset through the window. Dedue turned the lamp on and Dimitri squinted slightly at the sudden light.</p><p>Felix had no idea what to say.</p><p>“I thought I would make some lentils,” Dedue announced to the quiet room.</p><p>No one responded. Dedue looked pointedly at Felix.</p><p>“Lentils are good,” Felix said quickly. “Can I help?”</p><p>“I brought everything prepared,” Dedue said. “I just have to heat them up and cook the rice.”</p><p>Felix stood and watched Dedue fill a pot with water. Dimitri sat silently on the couch, not reading, not watching anything, just staring into space.</p><p>“Right,” Felix said after a moment. He pulled one of the kitchen chairs over and placed it next to the coffee table. “So, I guess you aren’t good.”</p><p>Dimitri managed a nod. He rubbed the side of his neck, an unexpectedly sharp and jerky motion.</p><p>“Maybe we should do something,” Felix said after another moment, raising his eyebrows at Dedue for help. “Watch a movie maybe. Something easy.”</p><p>“I can get the computer if you’d like to watch—” Dedue began, finishing setting up the rice to cook and moving towards the bedroom door.</p><p>“Don’t,” Dimitri cut him off.</p><p>Dedue opened the door anyways. He stepped inside and returned with the laptop. Then he walked back to the bedroom and retrieved several partially empty mugs, a few plates with mostly uneaten food on them, and a basket of laundry.</p><p>Dimitri slowly lowered his head into his hands, fingers making fists in his hair. This was horrible, Felix decided. This was more than sadness, it was a crushing sense of shame.</p><p>Dedue opened a closet and began to empty the laundry into a machine.</p><p>“In-unit,” Felix said stupidly, not knowing what else to say. “Nice.”</p><p>They sat in silence until the food was ready. It was good, as Dedue’s food was always good. Protein and fat, heavily spiced, Felix thought as he ate. Good for a starving person who can barely taste a thing.</p><p>Dimitri ate it mechanically. Occasionally his hand would twitch up to rub the back of his neck again, sometimes so suddenly that the spoon clattered against the bowl as he dropped it.</p><p>“If you need tips for a neck injury,” Felix finally blurted out, the sudden motion making him jumpy, “I have some stretches you could try.”</p><p>“It’s not my neck,” Dimitri said. His tone was very flat, not sad or trembling as Felix had expected. It wasn’t like he was on the verge of tears; it was like he felt nothing at all. “There’s a voice.”</p><p>“Oh,” Felix said, unsure how to respond to that.</p><p>“I warned you about that, but ‘auditory hallucination’ never seems to make people understand,” Dimitri said without a trace of bitterness. “There is a voice I’m hearing. It’s not real.”</p><p>Dedue nodded.</p><p>“It’s good that you can ignore it,” he said with a hint of reassurance.</p><p>“I’m going to be alright,” Dimitri said, like he was repeating some memorized mantra. “I know it seems very bad, but I am going to get better soon.”</p><p>“Whose voice?” Felix asked.</p><p>Dedue narrowed his eyes a bit, but Dimitri didn’t seem bothered by the question. He didn’t seem phased by anything right now.</p><p>“My father,” Dimitri answered. “I hear him most often. He is… berating. Critical, usually.”</p><p>“So there are others as well?” Felix asked.</p><p>“My stepmother,” Dimitri said. “She is nicer. Sadder. And there’s also…”</p><p>Dimitri looked up and seemed to register that he was talking to Felix for the first time. There was a glimmer of feeling in his eye now, not the horrible numbness.</p><p>“Glenn.” Felix finished the sentence for him. He wasn’t afraid of his brother’s name. He had mourned Glenn. There was no point in treating him like a cursed taboo who could never be mentioned again.</p><p>“He cries usually,” Dimitri said, his face grimacing a bit. “I find that the most distracting.”</p><p>“Shit,” Felix said, as silver-tongued as ever.</p><p>Dimitri nodded, the small piece of him that had surfaced fighting to stay afloat.</p><p>“Shit,” he agreed.</p><p>“Why don’t we watch a movie?” Dedue proposed. “There’s a documentary about coffee growers in Dagda I’ve been meaning to get to—”</p><p>“Nope,” Felix said immediately. “Let’s watch <em>God Emperor of Sreng</em>. I want to see someone ride a Giant Crawler.”</p><p><em>God Emperor of Sreng</em> had been an old favorite of theirs, partially ironically for the goofy low-budget sci-fi effects, and partially genuinely for the charming weirdness of the story. It seemed like the perfect level of stupid.</p><p>Dedue set up the laptop and Felix was forced to sit on the other half of the couch with them. Dimitri consented to at least turn his face towards the screen.</p><p>They watched the movie quietly. Dedue rolled his eyes at some of the sillier parts.</p><p>When the credits began to roll, it was getting late and Felix started to get up. Dedue silently touched his wrist and put a finger to his lips. He pointed to the couch.</p><p>Dimitri had, at some point, fallen asleep.</p><p>As silently as he could, Felix helped Dedue put the dishes in the sink and turn out the lights. Dedue slipped out into the hallways with him once Felix had collected his things to leave.</p><p>“I’m going to stay a while,” Dedue whispered. “Just in case.”</p><p>“Alright,” Felix nodded.</p><p>“Thank you for coming, Felix. I know it helped,” Dedue murmured. Felix shrugged noncommittally. All he had done was ask a few upsetting questions and then sit in silence.</p><p>“I’m serious,” Dedue said more urgently. “These episodes are usually exacerbated by insomnia. I’ve never seen him able to just fall asleep like that.”</p><p>“Maybe it was the movie,” Felix said with a flush beginning to creep into his face. “You need to develop worse taste in film, Dedue.”</p><p>Dedue actually shook his hand before he left to go home.   </p><p>Felix also slept a little better that night as well.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The agony of writing modern AU is the need to maintain the Fodlan setting while clearly referencing the contemporary real world. Hence, God Emperor of Sreng.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He had a text from Dimitri when he woke up.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Thank you for coming over.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix lay back in his bed and felt like he’d just sucked poison from his wounds. It was strange that something so simple as knowing he did something helpful could bring him such relief.</p>
<p>But it helped to know that he wasn’t just some poisonous creep, that he could come through when it mattered regardless of how he felt.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘No problem.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He had a few messages from Annette that he’d been ignoring. Little things, images she found funny and photos of the cat. Felix went through and liked them before he responded.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Sorry for slow response.’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Better late than never, haha. How are things in the city?’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix started getting dressed for work as Annette was clearly also up and in a chatty mood.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Ok. Kinda hard. Figuring it out.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He sent the message while he made a quick breakfast and filled his water bottle for work.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I had my suspicions. You always ignore my messages when you’re grumpy.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Not ‘grumpy.’ Just dealing with stuff.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He was out the door by the time Annette replied, an unusually long and carefully punctuated message for her.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I hope you know you can talk with me about stuff if you want to. You don’t have to, but I wouldn’t mind listening. I promise I would never make fun of you for being vulnerable with me. I only make fun of you when you’re being grumpy ;)’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix feels himself soften, as he always seems to soften for Annette. Annette didn’t have a truly mean-spirited bone in her body.</p>
<p>Plus, after he’d accidentally caught her at an open-mic night their freshman year, she’d been convinced that he held some kind of devastating blackmail material over her until the end of time.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Thanks but not a big deal. Was being stupid and gay af.’</em>
</p>
<p>He forced himself to send the message and then let his phone buzz with several frantic and curious messages from Annette as he reached work and gleefully shut his phone away in a locker for the next few hours. Let her enjoy ruminating on that one for a while.</p>
<p>After his shift, he did indeed have about ten messages from Annette, mostly question marks, compassionate pleas, and finally insults along the line that he was a mean little bastard man who loved tormenting her.</p>
<p>‘<em>Who’s grumpy now?’ </em></p>
<p>He retorted and reveled in withholding anything else. Then he noticed that he also had a voice memo from Dedue.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Felix, I wanted to thank you again for coming with me last night. Sleep seems to have helped a lot and he was much more himself when I checked this morning. I wanted to make sure you were alright as well. I realize seeing that might have been distressing for you.” </em>
</p>
<p>Felix finished the message and raised an eyebrow. It seemed bizarrely possible that Dedue was a bit guilty, as though he was only now realizing the implications of his little scheme to put Dimitri back into all of their lives.</p>
<p>File it away for later, Felix told himself firmly. Just like he was doing for his pathetic little crush. Just like he had done with Claude and that weird conversation he was still trying to forget.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the end of the week, he was planning on a quiet couple of days spent mostly by himself. He had decided not to join Sylvain and Ingrid on an outing to some fancy restaurant opening and since there wasn’t likely to be any D&amp;D this week, he was preparing himself to settle in at his apartment, play some games, maybe work on some coding he was trying to learn.</p>
<p>Naturally, those plans were quickly foiled.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Felix, I don’t want to bother you, but I’d like to see you soon. If nothing else, I’d like to clear the air about my recent behavior.’</em>
</p>
<p>Felix stared at the text from Dimitri, feeling defeated and wondering if he should set his reply timer. Fuck it.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Don’t need air cleared it’s fine. Could go for a walk though if you want to see sun again.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Outside felt safe enough. Dimitri was probably going to try to apologize to him again when Felix was the one who actually needed to make amends for how he’d been acting.</p>
<p>Dimitri consented to meet in the park and when he showed up, he’d finally shed the terrible hooded sweater. In sunglasses and a dark blue shirt, unfortunately revealing the narrowness of his waist and the breadth of his shoulders, he looked almost on trend.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Felix said somewhat breathlessly, gesturing towards one of the wooded paths as they started to walk.</p>
<p>It was a summer afternoon and the park was more crowded than usual, but no one was really paying attention to each other. Frisbees sailed on the lawn and dogs paraded up the paths.</p>
<p>“Thanks for coming,” Dimitri said.  “I’m… I don’t really know how to start. I’m embarrassed by my recent behavior. I wish you hadn’t seen me like that.”</p>
<p>“Can’t say I enjoyed it much,” Felix shrugged, unable to meet Dimitri’s eyes. “But you don’t need to apologize. It didn’t hurt me at all.”</p>
<p>“Good, right,” Dimitri nodded. He paused and then struggled to say the next part. “This is going to sound paranoid, but I need a direct answer at this point to stop obsessing over it. Are you irritated with me?” </p>
<p>“What?” Felix balked. “Why would you think that?” </p>
<p>“It sounds irrational, but I can’t help but notice,” Dimitri sighed. “You’ve been distant. Slow to reply. It’s not a problem, honestly, I don’t expect anyone to always be at my beck and call! I just noticed and then I thought perhaps I’d been annoying you and it has started to… spiral a bit.”</p>
<p>Here Dimitri was again, trying so hard to be honest and open and vulnerable while Felix was the one lying to him, Felix was the one who was actually unstable, Felix was the one who was actually stating to panic right now.</p>
<p>“Damn it,” Felix said and ran a hand down his face.  “No, no I’m not irritated with you. Not at all. Ugh. I was just pushing too fast, that’s all. I was trying to back off.”</p>
<p>He glanced at Dimitri who looked relieved, but still concerned. In the sunlight like this, the gold of his hair shone like a halo around his head. Felix felt his eyes wander down the slope of his face, to the sweep of his neck, to a bead of sweat gathered at the collar of his shirt.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Dimitri said for no clear reason. “I know when I get into my depressive states, I can be very negative. I don’t want that to impact you if you need some space to take care of yourself.”</p>
<p>“It isn’t impacting me,” Felix hissed back.</p>
<p>He was getting worked up, dangerously worked up. He could feel the pressure inside of him mounting.</p>
<p>Center, he told himself. Stay grounded. Be in the moment, focus on the details.</p>
<p>They were walking on a dirt path down a hill. A glittering lake was partially visible through the treetops. It was beautiful. If he could just exist in this moment, feel the sun warm on his back, have Dimitri walking beside him, that’s all he would need.</p>
<p>“If you do want to back off for a while, it’s fine,” Dimitri offered, refusing to just drop the subject. “If this was too fast, if I’ve been weighing on your mind at all—”</p>
<p>“Would you stop it?” Felix exploded. He stopped, whirled on Dimitri and stared at him with all the ferocity he could. “Just stop it, okay? Stop it! It was a mistake! I never wanted to push you away.”</p>
<p>“Felix,” Dimitri whispered. His face was contorted into a look of worry, almost anguished. “I’m trying to understand, I am, but this matters to me. I can tell that you’re upset and I can’t ruin this again, I just can’t.”</p>
<p>Well, that was the last straw.</p>
<p>“I have feelings for you!” Felix shouted before he could stop himself. “That’s the problem, okay? Are you happy? Now you know! It’s my own stupid fault and that’s the damn problem!”</p>
<p>Dimitri gaped at him in total shock.</p>
<p>“You… what?” he managed to ask.</p>
<p>Felix felt his heart beating so fast, he could feel it in his cheeks. He thought he might be sick.</p>
<p>“Feelings. Attraction. I wish I could stop; I have been <em>trying</em> to stop, but…” Felix clenched his fists. “I knew you didn’t want it and I didn’t want to stress you out when it was my own problem. So, I was… avoiding you.”</p>
<p>Dimitri still seemed thunderstruck, rendered inarticulate and frozen where he stood on the path.</p>
<p>“But… me?” he said. At least he didn’t look so pathetic anymore now that he was confused.</p>
<p>“<em>You</em>, idiot,” Felix snarled back. “You, now, currently. I don’t really want to talk about it. Suffice to say, it’s embarrassing, I’m trying to stop, so do me a favor and just… ignore it.” </p>
<p>“I—” Dimitri choked on the word. “I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Oh fuck this,” Felix shouted. He randomly bent down, grabbed a stick, and hurled it as hard as he could into the woods. “Why is it never easy? Why can’t it just be easy?” </p>
<p>Then he stuck a finger into Dimitri’s face, his breathing rapid and furious.</p>
<p>“I’m not mad at you,” he managed to growl through his teeth. “But I have to go right now.”</p>
<p>And he took off running into the woods.</p>
<p>He didn’t go home, but instead to the gym. He was already covered in sweat and his hair was plastered to his face and neck where it had escaped the bun.</p>
<p>He put his headphones on, turned music up as loud as possible, and then beat the ever loving shit out of a punching back until his knuckles were bruised. His hand throbbed and he knew he’d probably just inflamed a 3-year-old injury and he didn’t fucking care.</p>
<p>It took him hours to come down from the adrenaline. He hadn’t had a day like this in years and as the cresting fury finally ebbed away, he felt a crushing weight of what he had done sinking down onto him. In the moment, he had acted without any thought of consequences.</p>
<p>He took a shower in the dark locker room and pressed his head against the wall, consequences mounting up with each passing second.</p>
<p>It stormed the next day. Fitting.</p>
<p>The weather turned from overcast in the morning when Felix had a few training appointments to raining by noon when he was done. By the time he got home, he was soaked. He stripped off his sodden shirt and dried his hair with a towel before changing into pajamas.</p>
<p>Although the window blinds were open, the apartment was dark. Rain drummed against the glass as the wind picked up. It had the makings of a perfect summer storm, the heat and humidity beginning to break as thunder rumbled across the city.</p>
<p>Felix lay on the couch on his side and played a tv show on his laptop. He only barely paid attention to the plot. His phone was banished to his bedroom, far enough away that he wouldn’t have to hear it buzz if he got a message.</p>
<p>His hand was still sore from yesterday. He’d overdone it. His tendons on that arm hadn’t healed very well.</p>
<p>The sky got darker as afternoon turned to evening.</p>
<p>Felix got up and made dinner. Outside, lightning cracked near enough to him that the glass in the windows shook.</p>
<p>He washed his dishes. Sat back on the couch. Answered emails for work. Paid some bills. Flipped through the entertainment news about a game he wanted to buy. Turned on a Let’s Play in the background so there was some noise.</p>
<p>Thought about Dimitri.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>Thought about him again.</p>
<p>He got up. It was pouring outside. He turned on a lamp and poured himself a drink. He drank it and poured another.</p>
<p>He picked a book from the shelf, one of his old ones that was actually in Latin. He stared at the pages, trying to read it, trying to remember. His eyes wouldn’t focus. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Someone knocked on the door.</p>
<p>Felix squinted at the book and finished his second drink.</p>
<p>Someone knocked on the door again.</p>
<p>He raised his head, feeling slow and confused. He hadn’t ordered anything. It was late. It was storming.</p>
<p>Carefully, he crossed to the door and peered through the peephole into the hallway.</p>
<p>Dimitri was standing in his hallway, soaked to the skin, with his arms folded over his chest. How the hell had he found his apartment? He’d never even been to Felix’s apartment.</p>
<p>He couldn’t just let him stand there or walk back in the rain. Damn it, he was wearing pajamas.</p>
<p>Felix opened the door.</p>
<p>“Hi. Why are you here?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t answer the phone,” Dimitri said, his voice shaking slightly.</p>
<p>“I know,” Felix said fiercely, gripping the edge of the door. “Why are you here?” </p>
<p>“I got your address from Sylvain. It’s about yesterday,” Dimitri began.</p>
<p>“It’s pouring,” Felix interrupted. He stepped aside. “Come in. I’ll get you a towel and then you can leave once the storm lets up.”</p>
<p>He went to the closet and found a clean towel, tossing it to Dimitri where he stood in the middle of the doormat. He was so tall and out of place in Felix’s small, compact apartment. His hair was flattened down and he seemed self-conscious about the droplets of rainwater now dripping onto the floor.</p>
<p>Felix retreated back and then sat on the couch. He crossed his arms over his chest.</p>
<p>Dimitri dutifully dried himself off with the towel, shedding a soaking jacket. Felix tried to ignore how the towel had tousled his hair, how the rain made his shirt stick to the flat of his stomach. He stared down at his book again, although he didn’t read a word of it. </p>
<p>“Felix,” Dimitri said gently. “Can I talk to you?”</p>
<p>“You are,” Felix replied shortly.</p>
<p>Dimitri took a few steps into the room. Felix turned a page.</p>
<p>“Felix, please,” Dimitri said. His voice was very low and soft. “Can you look at me?”</p>
<p>Felix snorted derisively. But he set the book down. Forced himself to raise his face, as though responding to a challenge. He would not falter now. His pride would not allow it.</p>
<p>“I’m looking,” he said impatiently.</p>
<p>“What you told me in the park…” Dimitri began, moving slowly closer, like he was approaching a spooking horse.</p>
<p>“I told you to ignore it,” Felix said. “Not your problem.”</p>
<p>“It surprised me,” Dimitri said carefully. “I didn’t know how to respond, I didn’t know what to think. I’ve been focused on just staying alive these past five years to the point where I’m not sure I really know how to interact with people very well anymore.”</p>
<p>“I’m not offended,” Felix said. “I was out of line.”</p>
<p>“I’ve tried to be so careful with myself,” Dimitri continued like he hadn’t heard him. “I didn’t take any risks. I didn’t trust myself with anything. But I don’t want to keep doing that. I want to get better, have more good days than bad ones, find a way I can be happy instead of just alive.”</p>
<p>“Why are you here, Dimitri?” Felix asked, unable to hold it back any longer. “Please just tell me why you’re here.”</p>
<p>“I’m so afraid, Felix,” Dimitri said, kneeling in front of the couch. “I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to subject you to how hard it can be to know me. But I’ve thought about it, for the past twenty-four hours pretty much, I’ve thought about it constantly. And I thought maybe…”</p>
<p>Felix recoiled as he leaned closer. He felt like he was dreaming. Nothing seemed real.</p>
<p>A massive clap of thunder shook the apartment around them and the power flickered.</p>
<p>Dimitri leaned forward and kissed him.</p>
<p>It was Felix’s turn to be struck dumb and nearly senseless. Dimitri’s lips were warm and wet with rain and his kiss was unpracticed and soft.</p>
<p>When he pulled back Felix had to relearn how to breath.</p>
<p>“I thought maybe, if there was anyone in the world I could try this with… it’s you,” Dimitri whispered. “If that’s still what you want.”</p>
<p> “You… but…” Felix said articulately. “You’re… you don’t…”</p>
<p>“I have feelings for you as well,” Dimitri said. Felix was positive now that he would wake up any minute. “I don’t think I understood that until you told me, but now… now I do.”</p>
<p>“You like women, though,” Felix finally managed to string a few words together into a coherent sentence.</p>
<p>“Some of them,” Dimitri said with a slight smile. “Come on Felix, I lied to myself about everything when I was younger. I’m not sure I really felt attraction to anyone back then.”</p>
<p>“This is insane,” Felix murmured and put his head in his hands. But when he looked up, Dimitri was still there, smiling and nervous and hopeful and looking up at him and there was rainwater in his eyelashes and…   </p>
<p>Felix leaned down and kissed him, pulling him up onto the couch, pressing close to him until his pajamas were damp as well. His body was warm and enormous and Felix kissed him until he parted his lips and let Felix taste his tongue. He tasted like mint. The absolute moron had probably brushed his teeth before coming over.</p>
<p>Dimitri pulled back again and Felix let him. Up close, he could see the shadows under his eye. He must be so tired.</p>
<p>Slowly, Dimitri reached up and brushed some of Felix’s hair out of his face. He ran his fingers through the strands with a look of fascination. Felix felt his face growing hot under the examination.</p>
<p>“So, uh, how was trying that,” Felix said roughly to break the tension.</p>
<p>“Good,” Dimitri breathed back, his voice almost impossible to hear. He put his hands hesitantly on Felix’s hips and Felix responded, pushing him down and climbing onto him, arranging them into a comfortable position and then kissing him as hard as he dared.</p>
<p>He felt Dimitri’s hands running up his back, tracing the muscle and bone. Felix tried his best not to arch his body into the touch, not to grind his hips forward. He didn’t want to move too fast with this. He let Dimitri take his time, exploring him with his hands, tasting him, holding him until Felix felt himself nearly shudder with desire for more.</p>
<p>Instead, he moved back, took a moment to breath, let Dimitri prop himself more upright against the arm of the couch.</p>
<p>“And how was that?” Felix asked, trying his best not to betray his own longing. But Dimitri was looking at him with such wonder, it was impossible to stay cool. It wasn’t like he thought he was bad looking. Plenty of people had desired him before. But this was… the look of devotion was something new and slightly terrifying.</p>
<p>“Very good,” Dimitri answered, his voice hoarse. </p>
<p>Felix leaned down again, letting his hands touch the hot strip of bare skin where Dimitri’s damp shirt had ridden up. His finger’s traced over old scars, shrapnel marks and the thickened edge of a burn. He pressed kisses to his mouth and then down his neck, letting a hint of his teeth draw a small gasp from Dimitri’s mouth. He felt Dimitri’s hands, too gentle by far, moving up his thighs. Felix hissed through is teeth and he felt the pressure mounting between his legs.</p>
<p>But he wanted to wait, despite how his body responded. He eased off again, looking down at Dimitri. His hair was drying in messy strands and Felix pushed them back from his face.</p>
<p>Thunder rumbled distantly again and Felix finally remembered the existence of other reality.  </p>
<p>“So,” he said after a few moments of silence. “What do we do now?”</p>
<p>Dimitri’s eye crinkled.</p>
<p>“Oh no, I have no idea,” he said with a laugh. “I hoped you would tell me.”</p>
<p>“I mean… what is this? What do you want from this?” Felix asked, fumbling for words he had never actually spoken before. “Do you want to, uh, try things out more first? Is this curiosity or… or do you want to be dating? Do we tell people?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Dimitri groaned, but he was still laughing. Felix felt the vibrations of it from where he was still pressed against his chest. “But I want this. However it works.”</p>
<p>“Stay here tonight,” Felix said. “We don’t have to do anything else, but don’t walk home in the storm.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Dimitri agreed. “I, um, I might need to borrow some clothes to sleep in.”</p>
<p>The thought of Dimitri wearing his clothes, which would definitely be too small, sent Felix into a very private emotional spiral.</p>
<p>“Sure,” he managed to say.</p>
<p>“And I’m sorry about the couch,” Dimitri said with a grimace. “Everything got very damp somehow.”</p>
<p>“That’s what happens when you run across the city in a storm like an idiot in some derivative movie,” Felix scolded him. “But it’s fine. I’ve got joint custody of another couch anyway.”</p>
<p>Somehow Felix managed to get both of them cleaned up and in his bed without losing his mind. Dimitri looked exhausted. He probably hadn’t been exaggerating about spending twenty-four hours considering this.</p>
<p>And, like a miracle, he fell asleep first. Felix watched him for a long time after his eyes had shut and his breathing had slowed. The rain was gentle now, just a soft background whisper in the dark bedroom.</p>
<p>Felix lay there and stared and tried to figure out what had happened to end up here.</p>
<p>Stay in the moment, he told himself. Focus on the details. Breath. Center. Focus.</p>
<p>Stay present. Stay here. Stay like this forever. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>well I hope everyone is ready for these morons and my self-indulgent sappiness. anyone here speak latin?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Well, this was new.</p><p>That was the odd thing about him and Dimitri. How could anything between them be new at this point?</p><p>But it was all new. Felix had never actually dated someone monogamously before, preferring his recurring sex partners non-exclusive and emotionally distant. But now he had absolutely no desire for distance and a strangely possessive side of him had clearly reared its head. It was all embarrassing. Feelings were embarrassing. But holy shit did he have them.</p><p>For the first few weeks, they didn’t tell anyone else, although they spent very little time out of one another’s company. Felix was half-afraid that Dimitri would realize he was mistaken, that his feelings were only platonic, and end it. By keeping it secret, he rationalized, he would at least save face.</p><p>But then that didn’t happen. And some exploration revealed that Dimitri’s attraction to him was in fact totally genuine.</p><p>The first time happened on Dimitri’s couch. Felix would take that fact to the grave before he admitted it to Sylvain.</p><p>He was still letting Dimitri set the pace, although his own passion became fairly obvious usually after a few minutes of kissing. So it was Dimitri who first slid a hand into the waist band of his jeans, unbuttoned them and slipped them down. Felix mirrored him, shivering at the gasp he drew from Dimitri when he touched him.</p><p>Dimitri’s hands were hesitant, a little rough at first, but Felix was already hard. He came pretty quickly, with a groan into Dimitri’s shoulder. It took Dimitri a bit longer, although his whole body was shaking and covered in sweat by the time Felix’s more practiced strokes brought him to orgasm with a cry.</p><p>He collapsed backward when they were done, pulling Felix on top of him with the kind of sudden strength that had appeared in many of Felix’s recent fantasies.</p><p>“No, must get up,” Felix struggled without force. “Or we’re going to ruin your couch.”</p><p>“We can clean it later,” Dimitri murmured.</p><p>Felix relented and lay there a while longer.</p><p>The next time, it did not go quite as well. Felix was struggling to hold himself together as Dimitri was barely beginning to press on him through his clothes, but Dimitri was clearly not responding to his touch in the same way.</p><p>Finally, Felix pulled back, panting a bit as he tried to resist the temptation to just touch himself a bit more and finish the job.</p><p>“Is this okay?” he managed to ask. “Do you want to stop?”</p><p>Dimitri shook his head, then brought up an arm and covered his face. He was clearly unhappy about something. Felix shifted back away from him, but that only seemed to worsen the situation.</p><p>“Not your fault,” Dimitri finally muttered. “I want to, but…”</p><p>“We can wait,” Felix quickly said. “it’s fine. I can go, or if you want me to stay, we can just… order dinner or do something else.”</p><p>“My mind wants this,” Dimitri said and his voice was a bit abrupt, taking on that jerky quality it got when he was stressed. “But my body… I’m on... a lot of medications. Sometimes they make it difficult to feel… things. Even though I want you, I do, I swear.”</p><p>“Oh,” Felix said, beginning to understand. Slowly, he eased himself down beside Dimitri, curling around him. He responded at once to the touch, pressing closer.</p><p>“It’s the anti-psychotics, I think,” Dimitri mumbled after another moment. “So I can’t just, um, stop taking those.”</p><p>“Please don’t,” Felix said, trying to keep his tone light.</p><p>“But I still want to do this. I like watching you, I like bringing you pleasure,” Dimitri added.</p><p>Felix did not really like the sound of that. He didn’t want Dimitri just… servicing him.</p><p>“Can I try something?” Felix asked instead. “And if you want me to stop, I’ll stop.”</p><p>Dimitri nodded.</p><p>Felix slid out of the bed, pulled Dimitri to the edge, and pushed his legs apart. He knew he could be a bit forceful, but Dimitri always melted under his rougher touches.</p><p>He slid his underwear off and then enveloped part of the man’s unfairly large cock into his mouth. And that seemed to do something. It took a fair bit of time until Dimitri was squirming, raking his fingers through Felix’s hair, and struggling not to push his hips up. Felix’s jaw ached and his mouth felt raw as he worked. His slid his other hand between his own legs. </p><p>After what was probably the longest and most masterful oral sex performance of his life, Dimitri babbled some incomprehensible warning far too late, and Felix pulled his mouth off struggling not to choke at the bitter taste.</p><p>Dimitri lay back on his bed, trembling with a few aftershocks.</p><p>And Felix felt a sense of victory, of triumph, of challenge overcome.</p><p>They also did regular things. Shockingly normal things. Felix came over sometimes and they just sat in companionable silence, Dimitri with his books and Felix working on his computer.</p><p>They took runs together in the park, Felix unable to stop his competitive spirit from trying to outpace Dimitri when he lacked the advantage of those naturally long legs.</p><p>They attended a small get together at Sylvain’s, although they left early--Felix underestimating the titillation of pretending to be simply friends and Ingrid’s powers of observation. She was definitely getting suspicious.</p><p>And then came another chance at Ashe’s D&amp;D, which Felix gathered was just becoming the default group online check-in.</p><p>Felix showed up at Dimitri’s apartment an hour before they were scheduled to start playing, as soon as he could get showered and off of work. He’d brought a full backpack so he could stay the night afterwards, as well as a canvas bag full of food because Dimitri’s lack of taste meant he only ever stocked the most abhorrently bland groceries.</p><p>While Felix unpacked in the kitchen, Dimitri sat on the couch and put his headphones on. Felix glanced at his screen briefly and saw a character sheet. As ridiculous as he found it, Felix was relieved to see him taking an interest in things again.</p><p>His brow was furrowed as he worked and his hair had flopped down over his face. It was distressingly cute.</p><p>Felix finished arranging spices on the counter and approached the back of the couch, unable to resist leaning down and combing his fingers through Dimitri’s hair, stroking the long bangs out of his face.</p><p>Dimitri stiffened under his touch, and then looked up at him with distress.</p><p>“What?” Felix asked, abruptly unsettled. He wasn’t usually the best as casual affectionate touches, but Dimitri always seemed to crave them.</p><p>Dimitri wordlessly unplugged the headphones.</p><p>“Um, what was that?” Ingrid’s voice came through the speakers.</p><p>“Hi Felix,” Annette said weakly. Dimitri switched tabs from the character sheet to a video call. Fuck, the whole group video call. Felix could feel his face turning scarlet.</p><p>“You haven’t missed anything, I promise,” Ashe added, possibly having not been paying attention to the video, “we were just working on character stuff.”  </p><p>“Actually, it seems like maybe we’re missing something,” Sylvain said, grainy video quality still revealing a skeptical expression.</p><p>Felix strongly considered fleeing the apartment, moving to the wilderness, and never seeing anyone ever again. </p><p>But Dimitri looked up and met his eyes and then shrugged.</p><p>“I should have said…” Dimitri began weakly.</p><p>“Fuck it,” Felix said, narrowing his eyes. “What’s the issue?” </p><p>“There’s no issue,” Mercedes said soothingly. “I think we were all just a bit surprised, Felix. You don’t usually comb Dimitri’s hair for him.”</p><p>Annette sat beside her in the window showing their apartment, looking utterly stunned.</p><p>Felix glanced at Dimitri again before lowering himself onto the couch beside him and sliding a hesitant arm around his waist.</p><p>“Woah, okay!” Ingrid exclaimed. “So, can we talk about this? Sorry Ashe, we can start in a minute, but, um, this?</p><p> “We started dating,” Felix said in a tone that dared anyone to say anything critical about it.</p><p>He knew they must be wondering. Wondering if this was healthy or deeply worrying. Wondering if they were moving too fast and rushing past the usual early stages of a relationship. Felix still wasn’t sure of that himself.</p><p>“Why didn’t you say anything?” Annette asked, looking a bit hurt. Felix grimaced.</p><p>“Because it was…” Felix started. Dimitri filled in helpfully.</p><p>“New,” he said. “It is a recent development and I was a bit nervous about how you’d react.”</p><p>“I’m not one to be judgmental, Dimitri,” Sylvain said a look of skepticism. “I guess I just never realized you were into… Felix.”</p><p>Felix understood the implications. Felix had always been the hardest on Dimitri, been more willing to challenge him, to outright yell at him in college. And after Dimitri’s expulsion, Felix had not made his hatred of Dimitri much of a secret.</p><p>Hadn’t Sylvain said it himself? That Dedue had probably figured Felix would be the most likely person to tear his head off?</p><p>So naturally they were all concerned.</p><p>“Oh, well, I am,” Dimitri replied simply. How was he so at ease? The man couldn’t even sit in a coffeeshop with other people, but now he suddenly became utterly unshakable.</p><p>“That’s so wonderful,” Mercedes said warmly. “I’m glad you’ve been able to find someone special in your life.”</p><p>“Can we just play the damn game?” Felix asked irritably. “What’s the big deal?”</p><p>“The big deal is that two of my oldest friends started dating each other recently and just didn’t say a thing about it!” Ingrid frowned. Her wifi made her voice a bit garbled and her picture froze in an expression of condemnation. Felix wanted to get angry and snap at her that his personal life was his own private business and she’d never seemed to care who he slept with before.</p><p>But then Dimitri glanced at him and Felix saw concern in his expression. If he was worrying Dimitri, that was bad, because the man had enough to worry about and Felix refused to add to it.</p><p>“Well, it’s not a thrilling tale,” Felix said instead, crossing one leg. “We reconnected. We started seeing each other more. I liked what I saw. Surprisingly, Dimitri felt the same.”</p><p>“Felix is leaving out some things,” Dimitri added. “He has been nothing short of incredible with all of my eccentricities these past few months. No matter how difficult I am, he helps without being asked. When he admitted he had feelings for me, I didn’t even believe it first.”</p><p>“Why?” Sylvain asked, sounding intrigued. “Did he say it in the meanest way possible?”</p><p>“What? No!” Dimitri said with unusual passion. “I didn’t believe it because… you know… he’s Felix. He’s strong and handsome and driven and passionate and I’m… not that. I’m the one who already snapped and destroyed my life.”</p><p>Sylvain pretended to wretch.</p><p>“Oh, come on, Sylvain!” Annette shouted. “This is really sweet!”</p><p>“I hate to hear you use those words about yourself, Dimitri,” Mercedes scolded him gently. “Your life hasn’t been destroyed. Clearly, you’re still enjoying it.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Dimitri accepted the comment. “Gallows humor of the criminally insane.”</p><p>“I guess I’m not really that surprised. You are kind of Felix’s type,” Ingrid mused. Felix resisted a strong urge to sprint across the city to her apartment and kick the door down before she said anything else.</p><p>“Guys, are we actually going to play D&amp;D?” Ashe cut in with a sigh.</p><p>“Yes, please,” Felix said through gritted teeth.</p><p>He had never been so engaged in a game session in his life. Kyphon did indeed save some gnomes.</p><p>When they finally wrapped up and everyone signed off for the evening, Felix leaned back, feeling more exhausted than if he’d just run several miles.</p><p>“I’m so sorry I didn’t warn you,” Dimitri said in a quiet voice once the laptop was shut and stowed away. “I didn’t think…”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Felix said, closing his eyes. “Honestly, it was probably easier to just tell everyone and get it over with.”</p><p>“Are you…” Dimitri paused and then shook his head and went silent.</p><p>“Am I what?” Felix asked, sitting up slightly.</p><p>“Are you embarrassed by this?” Dimitri asked in a small voice.</p><p>“What? No! No,” Felix said, so loudly that Dimitri jumped a bit. “I mean, I’m embarrassed anytime I have to talk about myself with other people, that’s all.”</p><p>“I just… I know this is probably hard for you,” Dimitri muttered. “We don’t get to do the normal things people do when they start dating.”</p><p>“Normal people don’t start dating their childhood best friend after five straight years of total silence,” Felix shrugged. “So why would I care about that?”</p><p>“I mean that I will hold you back. We won’t get to, I don’t know, travel. You can’t drop my name to your coworkers or your friends without worrying. We don’t get to just go to dinner, watch a movie, all of that,” Dimitri sighed.</p><p>“Do you want to go to dinner?”</p><p>“Of course I want to, but—”</p><p>“Then let’s go,” Felix said with a small grin. “And if anyone gives us trouble, I’ve been told I’m good at intimidating people into silence.”</p><p>Dimitri’s face oscillated wildly between fear, doubt, and hopeful excitement.</p><p>“I guess…” he said after a moment. “You know I’ll eat anything.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>They ended up going to get ramen the next weekend. Felix had scouted out a few places in advance, trying to find a place in the city that was somehow also private. </p><p>It took some footwork, but it felt good because this was finally something he could <em>do</em>, some tangible action he could take to help.</p><p>He met Dimitri at the apartment first. Dimitri wore all black, like he hoped he might vanish into the shadows, but Felix didn’t mind because it looked very damn good. Felix hadn’t dressed up much, wearing an old band shirt he’d cut the sleeves off of and jeans, but he enjoyed the way Dimitri’s eyes flitted down to take in the lines of his arms and shoulders.</p><p>The restaurant was crowded, because it was the city and everything was crowded, but the booths had wooden dividers between them that reached up to the ceiling so they were fairly invisible to anyone but their waiter.</p><p>Dimitri positioned himself carefully, keeping the eyepatch side towards the wall, and leaning on the other arm so that his face was mostly shielded from anyone else. For a minute, Felix worried they might have to leave before ordering. He looked on the verge of sprinting out of the door.</p><p>“You can leave if you need to,” Felix murmured. “I’ll get you a takeaway and meet you back at your place.”</p><p>“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Dimitri said, very fast and frantic. “That woman at the bar, she glanced at us, is she still looking? I can’t tell from here.”</p><p>Felix looked towards the bar, trying to determine what Dimitri was talking about. A pair of women in their thirties were drinking soju. One of them had a sleeve of tattoos visible under a printed shirt.</p><p>“She probably looked at me,” Felix reassured him. “I’ve got tattoos and I’m hot. It happens."</p><p>Dimitri’s panic seemed to break at a bit at that and he smiled.</p><p>“Always humble,” he noted.</p><p>“You’re the one whose here with me,” Felix shrugged.</p><p>Dimitri occupied himself with looking intently at the menu although Felix wasn’t quite certain why, but he saw the jitters slowly fading away the longer they sat unbothered in the space.</p><p>“I don’t know what to get,” Dimitri finally said. “Just order two of whatever you want.”</p><p>Felix agreed without pressing the matter. He did all of the talking to the waiter, successfully shifting all the attention off of Dimitri that he could.</p><p>The food was good and Dimitri politely complimented the variety of textures, which secretly pleased Felix very much since that had sort of been his scheme with getting ramen. They talked softly but Felix kept up a constant stream of conversation, although that was usually not his strong suit.</p><p>By the end of the night, it hadn’t exactly been a fantastic evening, but it hadn’t been a disaster either. Both of them were fairly stressed, fairly eager to pay and leave as soon as they finished eating, but Felix felt that sense of triumph again. Because screw not being able to do things, screw all the limits Dimitri imposed on himself.</p><p>As they walked back to Dimitri’s apartment, the streets dimly lit and most uncrowded once they left the main road, Felix slipped their hands together.</p><p>“It’s like you always know,” Dimitri observed as they got back to his apartment and he fumbled with the keys. “You know what I need before I even say it.”</p><p>“Alright, enough of that,” Felix said irritably. “Don’t oversell me, I’m not doing anything exceptional here.”</p><p>“I don’t know how to convince you that you are,” Dimitri said. “But you are.”</p><p>“Seriously, this is just the most basic level of common courtesy” Felix added, feeling his sharp edges growing more apparent. Retract claws, he instructed himself firmly. </p><p>“Plenty of people are courteous to me. Plenty of people are understanding, empathetic even,” Dimitri said seriously as they entered the apartment and Felix switched on the lamp. “I have an army of therapists to be polite about my problems, but you… well, no one would ever accuse you of being polite. It’s always seemed like you could read my mind. Even when we were kids, you always knew when something was wrong.”</p><p>And I did nothing about it, Felix thought bitterly. He had done nothing about it for so long, he’d stopped realizing the fire was burning until the pot boiled over.</p><p>“I recall very well that we used to fight, constantly, because I hated how easily my guard came down around you,” Dimitri continued. “But now, I have nothing to hide and you see all of it, and you just… handle it. Accept it. Find a way. And that means more to me that you could ever imagine, Felix.”</p><p>Felix turned to look at him. He was so tall that leaning in close meant that Felix’s head had to tilt back to see him properly. Silently, Felix reached up a put a finger to his lips so he’d stop talking.</p><p>Dimitri obeyed and Felix trailed his finger down until Dimitri had no choice but to lean down and kiss him. Felix pressed against him hard until his back was against the wall. He felt hands on his waist as he leaned forward.</p><p>Felix cupped Dimitri’s face in his hands and then ran a hand up and through his hair. His fingers grazed the strap of the patch over his eye and he heard Dimitri exhale sharply at the motion.</p><p>“Do you want me to see everything yet?” Felix asked, his voice low and rough with desire.</p><p>Dimitri seemed to consider it, but it was a losing battle. He shut his other eye tightly and then nodded.</p><p>Felix pulled the eyepatch back gently, in a single motion. The skin beneath was a bit paler and there were some marks in the skin where the strap had dug in. There was a pinkish scar on the lid and bottom that was raised slightly. The eye itself was partially open, although the lid sagged down over it asymmetrically, and it was covered in a white film.</p><p>Dimitri opened his other eye, blue and narrow with anxiety.</p><p>“I know it isn’t… nice looking,” he offered after a moment of Felix staring.</p><p>Felix leaned up with all of the dignity of a man forced onto the tips of his toes and pressed his lips gently to the eyelid. Dimitri went totally still and his breathing hitched.</p><p>“Much more Phantom of the Opera than Quasimodo,” Felix said with a crooked smile. “But definitely the <em>Love Never Dies</em> version where he bangs Christine.”</p><p>Dimitri groaned and pushed him away.</p><p>“Well, you’ve ruined the night, congratulations,” he said with a playful shake of his head.</p><p>“Have I?” Felix teased. “I thought I always know what you need?”</p><p>“Disgraceful,” Dimitri muttered. “And… and just so you know… ah, this unbearable, but Christine actually dies at the end and the Phantom has to raise their love child alone. So it’s still not a flattering comparison.”</p><p>“Holy shit,” Felix was shocked into a laugh. “You’ve actually seen it.”</p><p>“We’re not going to talk about this anymore,” Dimitri said quickly, beginning to push him towards the bedroom. “This is over.”</p><p>“I suppose it’s the only show you could see,” Felix suggested, “since you were probably alone in the theatre.”</p><p>“Enough!”</p><p>Before he fell asleep that night, Felix lay in the darkness of Dimitri’s bedroom, the total blackness of a chronic insomniac with expensive curtains. He could feel Dimitri’s warmth radiating beside him and hear the soft sound of his breathing. In his imagination, he held the image of that scarred eye, somehow more and less awful than he had imagined.</p><p>It was a relief, Felix thought, to have no secrets, no walls, nothing unspoken. If only he could manage that for himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>because we live in a hellscape I bring you: not realizing you walked across the background of someone actively in a video call.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn’t always good. Dedue warned him about the worst of it luckily.</p>
<p>He actually called Felix one evening after Dimitri had apparently filled him in on the nature of their relationship.</p>
<p>“Sleep is the most important thing,” Dedue had said, business-like and direct, as though Felix had been promoted to his partner on a tough case. “The medications help with the other symptoms, but his insomnia is often accompanied by depressive episodes and hallucinations. “</p>
<p>Dedue was confiding in him, Felix realized with alarm. He was giving him tips. It was weird, but he felt a sense that this was a great honor coming from Dedue. Perhaps Dedue finally trusted him.</p>
<p>“Occasionally, he has panic attacks, mostly associated with triggering events,” Dedue had continued. “Anything to do with the Duscur incident, anything to do with Agartha Tech, getting recognized in public, once because his uncle unexpectedly came to visit.”</p>
<p>“Things are really that bad with Rufus?” Felix had asked.</p>
<p>“Not exactly. They are as they have always been, mostly strangers to one another. But Rufus has so much power over him now, he feels more than the usual pressure.”</p>
<p>“So what am I supposed to do?” </p>
<p>“Be patient. Be calm. Provide comfort. Give him space to recover and then ground him back in reality.” </p>
<p>Felix had huffed a laugh at that point. Dedue was just so blunt about the whole thing.</p>
<p>“You aren’t going to say, ‘call me and I’ll come help’ or ‘you didn’t sign up for this’?”</p>
<p>Dedue spoke with mild skepticism.</p>
<p>“Didn’t you, though?”</p>
<p>It was about a month later that Felix had the first chance to put that advice into action.</p>
<p>He knew Dimitri had nightmares.</p>
<p>Sometimes he heard him get up in the night, leave the room, pace the apartment for a few hours. Every now and then Felix would catch him breathing heavily in his sleep, tossing slightly under the sheet.</p>
<p>Those dreams, Felix realized, had nothing on the real nightmares.</p>
<p>The first time it happened, Felix woke up to a scream, disoriented, his own heart pounding as the sound tore him out of a deep sleep. The room was so dark, he couldn’t see a thing, and his body reacted instinctively, his muscles tensing if he needed to run or fight.</p>
<p>But after that initial moment of disorientation, he heard the sound of Dimitri’s panting breaths, a terrifying wheezing sound coming from his side of the bed as he gasped for air.</p>
<p>Felix felt for him in the dark, only a faint silhouette of him visible. He was hunched at the edge of the bed, head in his hands. Felix put a hand on his shoulder, but he jerked away from it violently, letting himself fall to the floor and scrambling into the corner to press his head against his knees and take more heaving gasps of air.</p>
<p>“Dimitri,” Felix whispered, feeling his own body shaking with adrenaline and fear. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”</p>
<p>If he heard the words, he didn’t acknowledge it.</p>
<p>Felix felt his own heart pounding. He didn’t know what to do or how to help without making it worse. And Dimitri sounded so wrong, so off, like a wild animal rather than a person.</p>
<p>Slowly, Felix got up and walked out of the room, his legs shaking more than he liked to admit. He turned on a light in the kitchen, illuminating the room dimly, and then he put the electric kettle on for tea.</p>
<p>His hands shook as he found two mugs and rummaged through the drawers for bags of chamomile. Old injury, he thought as he rubbed his wrist, nothing more.</p>
<p>He sat at the table until the water boiled, squeezing his fingers together until they were steady again. Then he got up and poured the water, set the mugs on the table, and waited.</p>
<p>There was no sound from the bedroom. Felix sat in the partial darkness and sipped the scalding tea until it became bearable.</p>
<p>He was halfway done with the mug when Dimitri crept out of the bedroom. Felix’s breath caught a bit at the movement.</p>
<p>He felt furious with himself. Dimitri should not frighten him. Dimitri had never hurt him. But right now, Felix wasn’t sure he recognized Dimitri in there.</p>
<p>Dimitri prowled around the apartment for a minute, checking the window and the door locks and glancing around all the furniture.</p>
<p>Then he sat silently across the table from him and looked down at the tea. Felix could see sweat dampening the collar of his shirt. The color under his eye was so dark it looked like he’d been hit in the face.</p>
<p>“The tea’s still warm,” Felix finally broke the silence.</p>
<p>Dimitri picked it up and put it to his lips without looking. He swallowed a few mouthfuls.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I woke you,” Dimitri said after a moment. His voice was hoarse, like the panting and the screaming had worn against his throat. There was something of that eerie distance in his tone, like he didn’t feel a thing.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Felix said. The glow of the stove clock showed it just after three in the morning. “Are you alright?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Dimitri said. “I think so.”</p>
<p>“What was the dream about?” Felix asked and Dimitri finally looked at him.</p>
<p>Was he imagining a shadow of anger beneath all the dull nothingness? He hadn’t seen Dimitri angry in… over five years.</p>
<p>“The same thing it is always about,” Dimitri said slowly. “The crash. The fire. The blood.”</p>
<p>“I just meant… if you want to talk about it,” Felix added lamely.</p>
<p>Dimitri shook his head. They drank more of the tea.</p>
<p>“You should go back to sleep,” Dimitri said after Felix had finished his mug. “I’m fine now.”</p>
<p>“It’s the middle of the night,” Felix said. “Aren’t you coming back to bed?”</p>
<p>“No,” Dimitri said. “I’ll stay up.”</p>
<p>Felix took the mugs to the sink and rinsed them out. Dimitri was sitting and staring down at his hands. Sleep was the key, Felix recalled.</p>
<p>“You should try to get a few more hours,” Felix said uncertainly, trying to sound more confident than he felt. “Take a shower first. Reset. Then come back to bed.”</p>
<p>“It won’t help,” Dimitri said.</p>
<p>“Will you try it anyways?” Felix asked.</p>
<p>He expected some more resistance, but Dimitri just did as he said, shuffling back towards the bathroom and shedding his sweat-damp clothes.</p>
<p>Felix followed him to the bedroom and turned on a lamp. He scrolled on his phone, unable to read anything he was looking at as the shower ran for ten minutes. Dread still sat in his stomach like a pit.</p>
<p>Eventually Dimitri reappeared, naked, his hair wet, but pulling on a shirt and underwear with grim resignation. He sat on the bed beside Felix but didn’t lower himself down to lie on the pillow, instead resting his chin on his knees and staring at the opposing wall.</p>
<p>Felix took a moment to refresh his email for the fourth time.</p>
<p>“Are you ready to lie down?” he asked and Dimitri slowly lay back onto the pillow, posture stiff and eyes open. Felix switched the light off and lay beside him. He was utterly immobile, tense as a bowstring.</p>
<p>Uncertain what else to do, Felix reached out again. This time Dimitri did not flinch away from his touch. Felix wrapped his arm across Dimitri and pressed his face into the damp of his wet hair. Dimitri shivered as he relaxed slightly.</p>
<p>“I’ve got you,” Felix murmured into the dark.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to fall asleep again,” Dimitri whispered. His hollow voice was gone and he sounded choked by a lump in his throat.</p>
<p>“The dreams are gone. They won’t come back” Felix reassured him. Not that Felix could know that. He just said it.</p>
<p>But sometimes lies could be helpful. Dedue hadn’t tipped him off about that.</p>
<p>Dimitri did drift off a few hours later, although Felix never did manage to get back to sleep.</p>
<p>In the morning, Dimitri was more himself, although ashamed and furtive about his behavior. He offered several times to sleep on the couch in the future so he wouldn’t bother Felix.</p>
<p>“I need you to stop apologizing for this,” Felix told him.</p>
<p>“Why?” Dimitri asked, pain etched onto his face.</p>
<p>“Because you’d do the same for me,” Felix said. “Because it isn’t your fault for being hurt.”</p>
<p>Because I need to stop being angry at you for hurting, Felix thought privately. <strike>So maybe one day I can forgive myself for the same.</strike></p>
<p>There were plenty of bad days outside of that.</p>
<p>Sometimes, despite Felix’s best efforts, Dimitri had no interest in sex. Felix would slink away after he came, feeling dirty, like he had done something exploitative.</p>
<p>Sometimes, Dimitri didn’t sleep well for a few days in a row and he would be vague and distant, like a cloud had descended over him.</p>
<p>And then there were good days, monumentally good days, mind-blowingly good days that set a new standard for how good a day could be.</p>
<p>Sometimes they talked intensely for hours, laughed, joked, went for a walk, or played a game and got so fiercely competitive over it that it inevitably led them to bed. Dimitri had shyly and endearingly admitted to a desire for more experiments in their relationship and the after a few more trial runs, he turned into a shuddering mess of desire for more.</p>
<p>Sometimes, Dimitri read a book and Felix played a game on his laptop and Dimitri pulled him closer, letting him lean back into his arms like an enormous warm pillow.</p>
<p>One evening as autumn in the city was truly beginning and Felix finally broke his beloved jackets out of confinement, Dedue came over to cook dinner at Dimitri’s apartment and Ingrid joined them for the first time.</p>
<p>Sylvain was out on a date, which meant that Ingrid was indefinably grumpy and had seemed clearly in need of an invitation. </p>
<p>“You know, I actually like the place,” Ingrid said with surprise as she entered the apartment. “It’s minimal, but I’ve been living in clutter for so long, it actually gives me a sense of relief.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps you can store some of your clutter here for a while,” Dimitri suggested. “So my single painting and houseplant don’t get lonely.”</p>
<p>“It isn’t <em>my </em>clutter,” Ingrid immediately barked, seeming to miss one of Dimitri’s nearly unreadable jokes. “It’s my roommates!”</p>
<p>“So, steal it from your roommates,” Felix shrugged. “Tell them a pair of lunatics broke in.”</p>
<p>“What is everyone’s spice tolerance for curry?” Dedue called form the kitchen. Dimitri opened his mouth, but Dedue shook his head with a tiny smile. “Everyone who can taste, that is.”</p>
<p>The curry was delicious, but Felix could have had it spicier. Ingrid nearly inhaled a bowl and half, while Dimitri finished his portion and dutifully noted that the aroma was very pleasant.</p>
<p>Ingrid and Dimitri spent most of the evening in an intense political discussion, the kind they had often had at GMU. Dedue contributed in his taciturn way, occasionally clarifying some of the finer legal points.</p>
<p>Felix had been annoyed by those talks before, usually rolling his eyes and leaving the room. But now he was glad to see it, to see both of them still caring so fiercely about something.</p>
<p>“Sorry, we’ve monopolized the conversation for long enough,” Dimitri said as they finally pushed back their chairs to wash the dishes. “I know you don’t care for our debates, Felix.”</p>
<p>“I don’t mind,” Felix shrugged. “Just don’t have much to say.”</p>
<p>“It’s funny that you feel so strongly about everything else, but the moment we start off on policy stuff, you just clam up,” Ingrid noted.</p>
<p>“I feel strongly,” Felix answered shortly. “Usually too strongly for polite conversation.”</p>
<p>“What is that supposed to mean?” Ingrid asked with a raise of her eyebrow. Dedue took a pan from her hand as she paused in her washing.</p>
<p>“I mean that I can’t talk about most of this without getting angry,” Felix replied. “Like, real angry. Not fun ‘complaining over dinner’ angry.”</p>
<p>“Felix had me convinced for many years that he was fully invulnerable to emotion,” Dimitri said, turning around a few times before stowing a pan he had apparently lost the location of in his own kitchen. “But I realize now that, deep down, he cares more than anyone. About everything.”</p>
<p>“Enough of that,” Felix said darkly. But Ingrid bumped his arm with her fist.</p>
<p>“Caring about stuff is the most punk rock thing about you,” she said.</p>
<p>Trust Ingrid to phrase her compliment like a middle-aged soccer mom and embarrass herself far more than anyone had humiliated him.</p>
<p>Felix couldn’t help but smile back a bit. </p>
<p>That was a good night.</p>
<p>He felt comfortable in a way he hadn’t in a long while. He was with old friends who were fine and safe and healthy and he and Dimitri were good and there were no awkward secrets.</p>
<p>It was also a horrible night.</p>
<p>Sylvain texted Ingrid as they were all lounging and growing sleepy together on the couch. Apparently, the date had not gone well. Sylvain was very drunk and upset and in need of comfort.</p>
<p>“Let me walk you over,” Dedue offered. “It’s late and I don’t want you going all that way yourself.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine,” Ingrid said weakly as she wrapped her trench coat around her.</p>
<p>“Just let me see that you get there safely and everything is alright,” Dedue said. “I can run out for food if you want me to.”</p>
<p>“Alright then,” Ingrid relented, then glanced at Felix and Dimitri. “Thank you for having me over, Dimitri, your place really is lovely. I’m sorry for rushing out like this.” </p>
<p>“Please do not worry,” Dimitri reassured her. “And if there is anything either of us can do to help…”</p>
<p>“Can you make Sylvain not have taken ketamine?” Ingrid said. She didn’t sound irritable anymore, just bitter.</p>
<p>“Anything you need,” Felix repeated. Ingrid nodded and she and Dedue left.</p>
<p>“Shit,” Felix said once they were gone. “Sylvain needs to get his act together and stop calling her like this.” </p>
<p>“I had never realized it was so serious,” Dimitri said quietly. “He always seems so happy, so at ease with himself.”</p>
<p>“You know how you spent most of your life bottling up everything until you exploded?” Felix asked. Dimitri nodded cautiously. “Well, Sylvain likes to bottle it up and then release the pressure gradually in many small breakdowns.”</p>
<p>“Should have tried that myself,” Dimitri muttered, rubbing the remains of his blind eye.</p>
<p>Felix looked at him for a moment, feeling that massive wave of fondness that sometimes rose up in him for Dimitri.</p>
<p>It was something about those little self-conscious jokes, not self-loathing so much as humble, the humor of a person who derived some comfort from knowing exactly how far down rock bottom went.</p>
<p>“I’m going to find her that article I mentioned,” Dimitri announced after a moment. “Because I can’t think of anything else helpful to do.”</p>
<p>He flipped open his laptop and Felix let his mind wander checking his phone, rereading a message from Annette about a song she was working on.</p>
<p>So when the night got really, truly bad, he didn’t even notice for a second.</p>
<p>All he knew at first was that Dimitri had gone quiet and still.</p>
<p>Felix glanced up and saw the screen, open to a newspaper website. There was a headline and a photo taking up much of the page.</p>
<p>
  <em>Edelgard von Hresvelg eyes bid to become youngest member of congress: the 26-year-old daughter of Adrestian politicians announces plans to run for office. </em>
</p>
<p>There was a picture of her below the text. She stood behind a podium, wearing a dark red jacket and looking just as fierce and determined as Felix remembered her. She’d dyed her hair, changing it from its natural brown to a harsh, white-blonde.</p>
<p>Felix thought he spotted the blurred shape of her old comrade Hubert von Vestra standing in the background.</p>
<p>Edelgard had been an acquaintance of theirs for a several years of GMU. She’d been majoring in international relations and took many of the same classes as Dimitri. Felix had considered her rather dull company. He respected her drive, but she never seemed to talk about anything but her schoolwork.</p>
<p>Hubert, her constant companion, had interested him more. Hubert was wickedly smart, a double major in economics and mathematics, but he seemed far more comfortable following Edelgard around than ever stepping into the spotlight alone.</p>
<p>Felix had generally ignored them, noting her occasionally exchanging polite words with Dimitri, but nothing more.</p>
<p>It had therefore come as a bit of a shock when he’d tried to murder her.</p>
<p>He knew most of that story second-hand. Dimitri had been absent for weeks, claiming he was sick.</p>
<p>When the school officials and police had checked his apartment, they found that he had been compiling thousands of pages of text and notes on a company called Agartha Tech, an Adrestian chemical manufacturer that had been granted a government contract to make weapons after the Duscur incident had prompted military retaliation. Edelgard’s uncle was apparently on an executive board there.</p>
<p>It still didn’t explain why he’d held a knife to her throat and accused her of orchestrating a conspiracy for a murder she would have been only thirteen at the time of.  </p>
<p>Dimitri exited the webpage before Felix could read anymore. His face was pale.</p>
<p>“Are you alright?” Felix asked, quickly realizing that this could spiral very badly. </p>
<p>“Of course, of course,” Dimitri said distantly. “She looks good. I’m glad she’s well.”</p>
<p>“What can I do?” Felix asked, but Dimitri just shook his head.</p>
<p>“Nothing’s wrong,” Dimitri said, a strange smile tightening his lips. “It was just a surprise, that is all. There’s no need to worry.”</p>
<p>“That’s not…” Felix struggled for words, his hands balling into fists. “I’m not stupid. I know that’s not true. If she’s running for office…”</p>
<p>“That’s enough.”</p>
<p>Dimitri’s voice had hardened. Felix remembered that tone well although it had been about five years since he’d heard it. All of their biggest fights had started with that tone.</p>
<p>“Don’t do this,” Felix said, trying not to give in and push back. “Don’t clam up and lie to me now.” </p>
<p>“I think you should leave,” Dimitri said after a moment. “I think I’d prefer it if you left now.”</p>
<p>“I—” Felix started furiously and then choked his rash words back. Of course he should leave. He had no right to stay and force his presence upon a man who wanted some privacy. So why was he reluctant?</p>
<p>Because what if he left and something bad happened, Felix realized. What if he left and Dimitri did something unexpected and he lost him?  </p>
<p>“I need to know that you’ll be alright if I leave,” Felix finally managed to say, trying to voice words he was not used to saying. “I’m worried about you.”</p>
<p>Dimitri’s eye narrowed and he laughed bitterly.</p>
<p>“You think so little of me, still,” he said. “No matter what, I can never measure up, can I? I’ll always be a danger, a liability, a wild animal incapable of caring for myself.”</p>
<p>“That isn’t what I said,” Felix said stiffly, his heart pounding. “I said that <em>I’m </em>worried. <em>Me</em>.”</p>
<p>“It’s never going to change is it? You and Dedue both, you’ll never trust me again. You’ll claim we’re equals, but you’re my… caretaker, monitor, nursemaid,” Dimitri kept going.</p>
<p>He stood up and started pacing, prowling the edge of the room as he spoke.</p>
<p>“People tell me that I have choices, that I’m a free man now, but the moment I ask for one thing, one <em>simple </em>thing, the illusion is gone. I can live here independently, unless someone decides I can’t anymore and stops paying the rent. I can take care of myself, unless someone decides to come cook my food and clean my room. I can lock my door and be alone, unless <em>Felix </em>decides I need company!”</p>
<p>“Stop it!” Felix said more urgently, his voice rising.</p>
<p>“Why should I?” Dimitri shouted. “Why do you treat me like a child? What can I ever do to make it right? You want to fix this, you want to fix me, but it can’t be fixed, it just can’t be fixed!”</p>
<p>“Dimitri, you’re scaring me,” Felix burst out. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please! I’m not trying to fix you, I just, I worry because…”</p>
<p>He trailed off. Dimitri had stopped pacing. Felix’s tone must have snapped him out of the spiral, at least.</p>
<p>He blinked rapidly a few times and then his hand shot up and rubbed the back of his neck. He shook his head. Auditory hallucination, Felix thought with a stab of misery.</p>
<p>“I’ll go,” Felix said quietly after a moment. “Just call me tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Felix,” Dimitri said, his voice barely a whisper. He pressed one of his hands into his face, grinding the palm of his hand into his good eye. “What… were you going to say?”</p>
<p>Felix couldn’t say it. He nearly had, but now the words refused to come.</p>
<p>“Call me tomorrow,” he repeated and left.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dimitri did call him the next morning. Felix had slept badly, falling asleep with a pain in his gut that had nothing to do with the curry. He had work in the afternoon and woke up groggy and confused to the sound of his phone buzzing on the nightstand.</p>
<p>“Hello?” he answered, voice still thick with sleep. He heard a small intake of breath.</p>
<p>“Felix,” Dimitri said. “I, um, I’m calling you. To say I’m alright.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Felix said. He felt heavy, like even sitting up would be too much. “Thanks.”</p>
<p>The line was quiet for a moment but for their breathing.</p>
<p>“Would you like to come over?” Dimitri finally said. “I know you might have work, but… I want to see you and talk.”</p>
<p>Felix said nothing, just lay there and let himself breathe deeply.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Dimitri finally added.</p>
<p>“I can be there in an hour,” Felix managed to say. “I don’t work until later.”</p>
<p>He hung up after that.</p>
<p>Felix got up, dragged himself to the kitchen, made coffee his body didn’t want to drink. His stomach was churning although he had no other sign of sickness.</p>
<p>He pulled on clothes thoughtlessly, wrapping himself in the familiar warmth of his denim jacket with the fleece collar and stuffing his hands into the pockets. The pot of coffee grew cold on the counter.</p>
<p>He took his phone out, suddenly wishing he didn’t have to leave the house.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Are you busy?’ </em>
</p>
<p>He texted Annette. He waited a moment in case she responded. Then he put the phone away and went to splash water on his face in the bathroom.</p>
<p>When he finished, she had replied.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Never busy for you, Felix! What’s up? :)’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘What do you do if you have a fight with someone.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Annette replied much faster this time.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I’m not going to pry unless you want to share deets, but… you remember that time junior year when Mercie and I didn’t speak to each other for a week?’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix typed his response as quickly as he could. He needed answers from Annette. He needed someone to help him not fuck this up even worse.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Shopping fight yes’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Shopping fight is an understatement. I thought I was defending Mercie from a creep. She thought I was risking myself because I thought she was helpless. Explaining my reasoning helped but also…’ </em>
</p>
<p>Annette sent a second message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘What helped more than anything was just saying how much we care about each other. Sometimes you have to remind even your best friends that you love them when times are tough!’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix set the phone down and ground his thumbs into his temples. The phone buzzed again.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘and by the way, &lt;3 you Felix! Don’t be so angsty!’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix sighed and sent a reply as he left his apartment.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Thanks.’ </em>
</p>
<p>When he got to Dimitri’s apartment, he almost lost his nerve and didn’t knock. Somehow, his hand made contact with the door and it opened.</p>
<p>Dimitri did not look well. He clearly hadn’t slept and the apartment was very cold again. He wore an overlarge jacket on top of his clothes.</p>
<p>Felix stepped inside and stood awkwardly at the door.</p>
<p>Dimitri spoke first, standing and leaning against the back of the couch.</p>
<p>“I wish I could take back everything I said last night,” he began shakily. “I didn’t mean those words, not really.”</p>
<p>“I think you did, a little,” Felix said. “But you weren’t wrong. You have every right to resent being treated like a prisoner.”</p>
<p>“I’m not,” Dimitri said with a helpless sigh. “Not by Dedue, and certainly not by you. Your concern is genuine, warranted, and not… never degrading. I know that, I promise, but in the moment, I can’t think straight.”</p>
<p>“But you were right,” Felix continued. “Sometimes I don’t trust you. I can’t. But that’s my weird shitty thing, not your problem. I can’t really trust anyone after… losing my brother.”</p>
<p>“Ah,” Dimitri said and he winced, like Felix had slapped him. “I didn’t think, I never realized…"</p>
<p>“Because I don’t let people realize,” Felix continued. He held his head high, refusing to let his voice shake. “Because I hate it when people see me vulnerable. This is my issue, not yours. It’s my responsibility to get better.”</p>
<p> Dimitri had wrapped his arms around himself. He looked like he was about to shatter.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” he finally said and the word was so uncharacteristic for him, Felix suppressed a startled laugh. “I messed everything up again. I don’t want to lose this, Felix, I don’t want to lose you again.”  </p>
<p>“Do you know why I worry about you?” Felix asked abruptly. Annette’s words burned in his mind as his throat went dry.</p>
<p>“You have every reason to,” Dimitri agreed in a rush.</p>
<p>“I worry because I love you,” Felix said.</p>
<p>Saying it made him feel like he’d been punched in the gut. He thought he might actually vomit. He felt the acidic sting of bile in his throat as the few sips of coffee surged up again.</p>
<p>Dimitri looked at him with wonder. Then his face crumpled and he squeezed his eye shut.</p>
<p>Felix stepped forward and Dimitri pressed his face into his shoulder, shaking for a few seconds with tension and overwhelming emotion.</p>
<p>“I love you too, Felix, more than I can say,” Dimitri managed to mumble into the side of his neck. “I love you so much, Felix.”</p>
<p>Felix rubbed circles between his shoulder blades and said nothing. Dimitri stopped shivering after a few minutes.</p>
<p>“Are we… okay?” Dimitri finally asked. “What do we do next?</p>
<p>“We’re okay,” Felix said. “Just try to remember why the next time I worry about you.”</p>
<p>Dimitri returned to his full height and gazed down at Felix with an expression of unveiled adoration. It was impossible not to crack a bit with Dimitri being so big and tender and raw with emotion.</p>
<p>“Try to remember that I love you the next time that I push you away,” he said, his voice a question, like they were agreeing on a truce.</p>
<p>Felix nodded. Dimitri leaned down to kiss him, but Felix tilted his head away</p>
<p>“Need some water first,” he said shortly. Dimitri looked puzzled. “Almost threw up a bit when I told you.”</p>
<p>“I would mock you for that, but given the circumstances…” Dimitri couldn’t resist a shaky grin. “let’s hope that next time you tell me that you love me, the bile stays down.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>don't ask me how the fantasy politics work in this mess of a modern AU because I do not know</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I need to tell you something,” Dimitri announced a few days later. It was early, as they were finishing a run in the park.</p><p>“More revelations?” Felix panted, wiping sweat out of his face as they slowed to a walk. The weather was cool at dawn, but Dimitri had long legs and Felix liked a challenge. </p><p>“It’s about Edelgard,” Dimitri said.</p><p>“Ah,” Felix replied, discomfort suddenly surging through him. Morning runs were usually one of their best times. Maybe that’s why Dimitri had picked now to bring up a difficult subject. Or maybe Felix just had a very specific desire for a sweaty and flushed Dimitri.</p><p>“She’s my step-sister,” Dimitri said.</p><p>Felix choked on a mouthful of water and barely avoided a literal spit take.</p><p>“It seems you did not suspect,” Dimitri noted dryly and Felix gave him a withering glare as he coughed. “It’s not a recent discovery, I just never told anyone. My uncle knows, of course.”</p><p>“How? What? How?” Felix managed to say as he cleared his throat.</p><p>“My step-mother was Adrestian, you are surely aware. She and Edelgard’s father were involved at a rather young age. The pregnancy was unexpected, particularly since he was already married. She left shortly after the child was born and met my father,” Dimitri explained, sounding slightly weary. “I never had any idea, of course. It would have caused trouble to tell people, so she never spoke of it, although I think sometimes she missed her daughter.”</p><p>“How did you find out?” Felix asked.</p><p>“You recall that performing arts camp my parents sent me to one summer?” Dimitri’s face twisted into a frown at the memory.</p><p>“I seem to recall that you wanted to go to the beach with me and Glenn instead,” Felix recalled cautiously.</p><p>“Well, I was not good at performing arts,” Dimitri said grimly. “They made us put on a production of <em>Brigadoon </em>and I had to dance because I couldn’t sing and I couldn’t act. That’s where I met Edelgard. She taught me to dance. Well, I’m not sure I ever really learned to dance.”</p><p>As he spoke, his voice was gentle, slightly melancholy. Utterly at odds with how Felix had expected him to be. He had hated her, right? Enough to hold a dagger to her neck?</p><p>“So you met at camp,” Felix said, retying his hair back away from his face. “Sounds suspiciously like <em>The Parent Trap</em>.”</p><p>“What? It was nothing like… well…. we didn’t switch lives,” Dimitri spluttered, but then conceded. “But we did become friends. She recognized a photo of my mother. I was so excited, I remember, to have a sister. After that camp, I wrote her letters, but she stopped responding.”</p><p>“So,” Felix nodded. “That’s… a lot to take in.”</p><p>“I just thought you should know. Perhaps it will help you understand why my feelings towards her have always been… complicated,” Dimitri said.</p><p>Then he smiled and glanced at Felix. “Well, I should head home. My medication adjustment is in an hour and you have work.”</p><p>“I’ll see you this weekend,” Felix nodded.</p><p>He kissed him hard, reaching a hand to the back of his neck to feel the damp curls of his hair. He had put on a bit more weight in the past month, now finally beginning to fit into his clothes again.</p><p>“I love you, Felix,” Dimitri said as they parted.</p><p>Felix nodded in response, feeling his face turning bright red.</p><p>
  
</p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Autumn arrived and with it came one of Felix’s least favorite times of year. It was not Sylvain’s infamous Halloween party, although that might be a close second. It was time for his father’s annual business conference in the city that obligated Felix to at least one supremely uncomfortable dinner.</p><p>This year would be a particularly uncomfortable dinner, Felix thought glumly. Normally, Felix picked somewhere very crowded and very loud, made up a work shift in the morning, and did his best to get in and out before his old man could say much to him.</p><p>This year that was not an option because of the other supremely awkward thing.</p><p>Rodrigue Fraldarius had taken the gay thing with his usual grace, which was to say he had whiffed it pretty badly. </p><p>It wasn’t like he’d thrown Felix out or anything, he’d just been doubtful, like perhaps Felix was too young to know. He expressed criticism thinly veiled as concern for Felix’s safety about a culture of 'casual hookups.' </p><p>Felix knew the truth. It was just another way that Felix screwed up their perfect life, his father's perfect reputation.</p><p>So telling him over the phone that he was dating Rodrigue’s favorite little prodigy had been… trying.</p><p>“We can’t go out to dinner,” Felix had said over their scheduled phone call. “We can eat at my apartment. Takeout if you want.”</p><p>“That sounds good to me, Felix,” Rodrigue replied with a hint of doubt. “I don’t mind at all, I’m just curious, why don’t you want to go out in the city?”</p><p>“Because Dimitri will be there,” Felix said stiffly. “And he doesn’t like to go out in the city.”</p><p>“Oh,” Rodrigue sounded stunned. “I hadn’t realized you two still spoke. After his… troubles, I hadn’t heard from him at all, although I tried to get in contact for years.”</p><p>“Don’t talk to him about upsetting topics,” Felix instructed him firmly. “Don’t bring up the past. Don’t make him feel guilty.”</p><p>“Felix, you know I care for Dimitri greatly,” Rodrigue said gently. “I would never want to make him feel uncomfortable. Can I ask you, though, why he is coming this year?”</p><p>“I didn’t talk to him before this year,” Felix said, knowing he needed to just spit it out, rip the proverbial Band-Aid.</p><p>“Did he wish to see me?” Rodrigue asked, faintly hopeful. Felix resisted the urge to scoff.</p><p>Of course Dimitri wanted to see Rodrigue. Dimitri loved Rodrigue. If Felix could have persuaded him to stay away, he would have and avoided the whole issue for a while longer</p><p>“Yes,” Felix said shortly. “Also, we’re dating.”</p><p>“Pardon?”</p><p>“We’re dating. Each other. Dimitri and I.”</p><p>“Felix! What on earth are you—?” Rodrigue began.</p><p>“Say one thing about it, and I’m cancelling dinner,” Felix snarled. His hand itched to hang up the phone.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Rodrigue said and Felix heard him sigh into the phone. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m glad if you’ve found someone, I was just surprised. I didn’t realize Dimitri was…”</p><p>“A degenerate like your son?” Felix offered.</p><p>Rodrigue was silent a few seconds.</p><p>“You know I don’t think that, Felix,” Rodrigue sounded very tired. “We talked about this, all that counseling, I know we talked about this. I haven’t been perfect, I’ve messed up some big things, but I would never think that about my son. Or my son’s, uh... boyfriend?”</p><p>Felix wanted to throw the phone across the room and scream. This was mortifying.</p><p>Instead, he centered himself. He was sitting on the couch. The fabric was rough against his hand. He was in this moment and he was in control.</p><p>“Fine,” Felix said. “So, that’s the plan then. You’ll come here Thursday night.”</p><p>“I’m looking forward to it,” Rodrigue said. “Is there anything you need? Anything from home or something I could pick up?”</p><p>Moments like these with his father were the worst.</p><p>When he asked those kinds of questions, Felix felt keenly that, however much he had screwed up, his father still loved him. His father loved him pathetically, badly. And every time Felix rejected him, he felt Rodrigue’s hurt.</p><p>“I don’t need anything,” Felix said coldly.</p><p>Rodrigue was quiet for a few seconds as they both evaluated whether they had spoken long enough and when to hang up.</p><p>“Uh,” Felix began, clearing his throat. “Saltwater taffy. There was that shop downtown. Dimitri always liked it.”</p><p>“I’ll bring some,” Rodrigue said, his voice full of relief. “For the both of you.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Felix said. “I should go.”</p><p>“Goodbye, Felix.”</p><p>“Bye.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Felix felt like he was full of electricity all day before his father was slated to arrive in town.</p><p>“If he says anything you don’t like, I’ll tell him to leave,” Felix told Dimitri, stomping around his apartment and cleaning random surfaces while Dimitri sat curled on his couch trying to stay out of the way</p><p>“That’s not necessary,” Dimitri reassured him.</p><p>“And you don’t have to do this, I can handle him by myself,” Felix reminded him, rearranging his bookshelf for no clear reason.</p><p>“I want to, Felix,” Dimitri said yet again. “It will be awkward, I know, but Rodrigue has always been kind to me. I felt guilty for disappearing on him. He asked my uncle about me for years.”</p><p>“You don’t have to feel guilty,” Felix said fiercely. “You didn’t owe him your response."</p><p>“Felix,” Dimitri’s voice was very level. “I know you and your father do not get along well. I know he has done things that were deeply hurtful. But to me he has always been... he has been more of a father to me than Rufus ever attempted to be.” </p><p>“Not a high bar,” Felix remarked.</p><p>“Do you remember the summer after the Duscur incident?” Dimitri asked, crossing his legs and leaning back into the pillows of the couch. Felix nodded. “Rodrigue brought me to your beach house for a month. It was the only part of that year when I felt normal. I had nightmares every night and he would sit up with me until dawn. At boarding school, he sent me presents on my birthday while my uncle just sent cash. He took me fishing when I was sixteen and taught me how to shave my face. When I played soccer, he came to the games, sometimes even the away games. On parents’ weekend at GMU, he made sure I wasn’t left by myself.</p><p>Felix stopped randomly rearranging the apartment.</p><p>“I didn’t know some of that,” Felix said stiffly. </p><p>“Rodrigue matters to me a lot,” Dimitri said in conclusion. “I’m not saying you need to forgive him because he was kind to me, just try to understand why I want to see him.” </p><p>“Alright,” Felix muttered under his breath.</p><p>He finished his stirring around and finally collapsed beside Dimitri who, unprompted, pulled him close and let him lean back against his chest. Felix allowed some of the tension to leave his body.</p><p>“It’s just one dinner,” Felix reminded himself aloud. “And if he tries to do something Friday night, I’ll just tell him I have work. Fuck, I wish I’d remembered to schedule work that night.”</p><p>“Actually, I have a small surprise,” Dimitri said after a moment. “It isn’t a big deal and you don’t have to use them, but I got them just in case.” </p><p>He pulled his phone out and showed the screen to Felix. Three tickets to a concert. Small club venue. One of the angry folk-punk bands he and Annette had often talked about in college. Felix felt his eyes widen.</p><p>“How did you get these?” Felix asked with alarm.</p><p>“I put an alert for when they went on sale,” Dimitri shrugged. “I figured you might want something to look forward to this weekend. Ingrid said she was available to go with you. I also could go… if you’d like that.”</p><p>Felix couldn’t speak for a second.</p><p>“I also don’t have to, if that would be difficult,” Dimitri added nervously. “I think I’ll be alright. It will be dark, after all, but if my anxiety will affect you—”</p><p>“Fuck it, Dimitri, of course I want you to come, this is just…” Felix stared up at the ceiling for a moment. “A lot.”</p><p>His chest felt very tight. He was happy but also panicking at the same time. Because Dimitri cared about him and thought about him enough to plan ahead something like this, and it was too much for him to handle.</p><p>“Good a lot? Or overstepping a lot?” Dimitri asked.</p><p>“Good,” Felix confirmed, and then flipped over and pinned him to the couch because he couldn’t think of any way to convey what he was feeling with words.</p><p>When Felix’s father arrived, he was carrying a huge bag of saltwater taffy.</p><p>Felix recalled at that exact moment that he hated saltwater taffy</p><p>His father looked the same as the last time Felix had seen him. They looked very similar, but for the fact that Rodrigue’s eyes were blue and Felix’s golden brown. But they had the same inky hair, the same angular face, the same mannerisms. Felix wished they didn’t look so alike, so obviously related. </p><p>His father looked around as he entered the apartment, a slight smile on his face. It broke into a grin as he saw Dimitri.</p><p>“Well, well, well,” he said, “it’s good to see you both.”</p><p>Dimitri raised his eyebrows at the enormous amount of taffy, but got up and embraced Rodrigue.</p><p>“It’s been too long,” Dimitri said warmly. “Entirely my fault."</p><p>“You get even taller, kid?” Rodrigue asked, clapping Dimitri’s shoulders as he released him from the hug.</p><p>Felix breathed an internal sigh of relief that his father was apparently not going to mention the eyepatch or the five-year silence. That was what Rodrigue Fraldarius did best after all, pretend everything was fine. But for tonight, pretending suited him.</p><p>“Food is ready,” Felix said shortly.</p><p>“Felix,” his father said in greeting. “You look well.”</p><p>“I have to,” Felix said tersely, “professional obligation.”</p><p>“And the apartment looks good,” Rodrigue continued, his compliments cautious, nothing more than delicate peace offerings. “Are those new shelves?”</p><p>“Bought more books, so yeah,” Felix replied. “Come on, we should eat before it’s cold.”</p><p>Dinner was surprisingly bearable. Dimitri did most of the talking.</p><p>Felix sat and absorbed information and tried to focus on not snapping at anyone, which was about all he could handle.</p><p>He had forgotten, he thought as he listened, that Dimitri was actually very good at charming people. Scarily good sometimes. While he didn’t seem to turn that talent on much anymore, preferring to skulk miserably on the edges of conversations, it was clearly dormant rather than gone.</p><p>With Rodrigue, he was cheerful, reminding him of pleasant memories, professionally evading difficult subjects when needed or explaining succinctly when required.</p><p>He elegantly referred to events like ‘my expulsion’ rather than ‘my attempted murder.’ He mentioned his ‘mental health conditions’ rather than his ‘post-traumatic stress, hallucinations, depression, and insomnia.’ But for the most part, he didn’t mention that at all.</p><p>The only dangerous part of the conversation occurred once they finished the food. Felix was considering opening another beer, although getting drunk around Rodrigue was dangerous business as it loosened his tongue.</p><p>“So, uh, I guess I ought to ask,” his father said, glancing at Felix. “I hear you two are, well, you’re dating?”</p><p>“Yes,” Felix said through gritted teeth. “What about it?"</p><p>“I mean, I’m just interested in your life, Felix,” his father explained. “I’d like to hear about… I don’t know, I guess I can’t ask how you two met."</p><p>Dimitri laughed obligingly at that.</p><p>“Well, it’s a bit amusing, actually,” Dimitri said easily. “We bumped into each other outside of Felix’s gym. Dedue may have set me up a bit. Some of our old friends were in town for the reunion, and Felix invited me to a get-together. Then we just started spending time together again.”</p><p>“Well,” Rodrigue looked surprised. Probably at how normal and not fraught with pain and drama that sounded. “I hope you look out for each other, that’s all.”</p><p>“It’s getting late,” Felix said pointedly.</p><p>Rodrigue looked reluctant, but then he pushed back his chair and stood.</p><p>“Thank you for hosting me, Felix,” he said with a nod. “I’ll head back to my hotel now. Dimitri, it was wonderful to see you. I hope I’ll hear from you more now.”</p><p>“Thanks for the taffy,” Felix said as Rodrigue collected his coat. Rodrigue smiled at him, the expression tinged with sadness.</p><p>“Anything you need, Felix,” he said. “You can always ask.”</p><p>“I’ll call you next week,” Felix said quickly and ushered him out of the door. When it was shut behind him, Felix waited a few seconds until he decided it was safe to groan loudly and collapse onto the couch.</p><p>“I thought that was very civil,” Dimitri said from the kitchen. He was washing up a few glasses.</p><p>“You,” Felix said, his voice muffled by the cushions. “You did all of that. Didn’t know you still had it in you.”</p><p>“Had what?”</p><p>“The charm. The squeaky-clean good boy persona. The young bright future leader of the nation,” Felix waved a hand in the air idly.</p><p>He felt hands on his hips, shifting him over onto his back as Dimitri joined him on the couch.</p><p>“You think I’m charming?” he asked. His tone was faintly playful.</p><p>“I’m not fooled,” Felix teased back.</p><p>“You think I’m a good boy who’s nice to your dad?” Dimitri asked, leaning down and nearly crushing Felix with the sheer size of him.</p><p>This was a development, Felix thought, his throat going dry.</p><p>“You sure act the part,” Felix managed to whisper, struggling not to whimper as Dimitri brushed his lips over his neck.</p><p>“All an act, Felix,” Dimitri murmured very low. “I’m a one-eyed madman who should scare the hell out of you. Who knows why you like me? Must be my charm.”</p><p>“Okay, I don’t want to think too hard about this, but this is working for me,” Felix gasped.</p><p>When morning came, he was dazed, sore, and definitely not thinking about the awkward familial dinner anymore.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>The concert with Ingrid was surprisingly good. The club wasn’t one of the usual Sylvain affairs, dark and full of sweat and packed bodies. Instead, the place was a brewery with a stage, fairly large for the city.</p><p>Dimitri wore his weird skin colored sticker and a pair of glasses with one lens tinted. Ingrid wore a flannel shirt, which she probably had decided would fit the vibe, and it made her look like the Platonic Ideal of a horse girl. Which she was, so it kinda worked.</p><p>The concert was good. Felix knew most of the songs, and learned a few new ones. He felt himself smile in a way he usually couldn’t manage to show anyone.</p><p>He bickered with Ingrid afterwards in a good-natured way they were both enjoying. She critiqued the singer’s voice, although admitted to enjoying the lyrics; Felix reminded her that vocal performance was not really the point of this kind of music.</p><p>Dimitri seemed to survive the experience, although he was clearly tense and ready to hurry out as soon as the lights came back up. Felix slipped their hands together when they walked back.</p><p>When they arrived at Dimitri’s apartment, he invited Felix in although he looked exhausted.</p><p>“Sorry,” he said, as Felix wrapped an arm around him once they were cleaned up and in bed. “Tonight was a stretch for me. I’m not sure I’m up for anything else."</p><p>“You alright?” Felix mumbled. He was pretty sleepy as well. It was late.</p><p>“I think so,” Dimitri whispered back. “I was glad to do it, I just… I’m tired.”</p><p>“Me too,” Felix said. “And thanks for everything.”</p><p>“You spend so much time taking care of me,” Dimitri agreed, “I have to return the favor whenever I can.”</p><p>Felix faintly resented the idea of being taken care of. He did not like the idea of Dimitri straining himself for Felix’s sake, because he thought Felix couldn’t handle his perfectly unremarkable problems without help. He grimaced a bit in the dark.  </p><p>But the wise words of Professor Byleth suddenly returned to him, unbidden from the eddies of his memory.</p><p>
  <em>Gotta look out for each other, right? The world’s a hard place to handle alone.</em>
</p><p>Maybe it was fine, Felix thought. He would let Dimitri help him. Because Dimitri liked feeling like he could help him.</p><p>Felix just had to make sure that he never needed anything too difficult.</p><p>That helping him never meant hurting anyone else. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>someone else please write the Dimitri-Edelgard Parent Trap AU.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Come on, Felix!” Sylvain pouted during their weekly training session. “Wearing all black is not a costume!”</p>
<p>“I was the personification of death,” Felix retorted. “That’s a costume.”</p>
<p>“Wear an actual costume this year, please, I am begging, me, of all people,” Sylvain pleaded, as though him begging was in any way extraordinary.</p>
<p>“I don’t know if I’m coming,” Felix finally confessed. Sylvain sat up. Good form, Felix noted. His core was really coming along.</p>
<p>“Unacceptable,” Sylvain said. He was scowling, but there was real worry under his glare.</p>
<p>“It’s a big party, Sylvain,” Felix sighed. “I don’t want to leave Dimitri out. He’s more delicate than he acts about that stuff.”</p>
<p>“So he can come early, before other people show up,” Sylvain said. “Come on, Fe, Annette and Mercedes are coming up for the day. I know you want to see them.”</p>
<p>“I’ll see them,” Felix said. “But does it have to be at a party? It’s not like you won’t have plenty of people there.”</p>
<p>Sylvain’s eyes widened. Then he smiled. All friendly. All easy-going, untouchable Sylvain.</p>
<p>Shit, Felix thought.</p>
<p>“I guess that’s your choice,” Sylvain shrugged. “You’ll miss a good time, though.”</p>
<p>“I’ll try to figure something out,” Felix corrected himself, seeing that the damage had already been done. “But I can only take so many drunken idiots seeking an excuse to take their shirt off.”</p>
<p>“I’d call that free advertising,” Sylvain smirked. “If I take my shirt off, everyone will see your skills as a personal trainer.”</p>
<p>“Just don’t get as drunk as you did last year.”</p>
<p>“Last year?” Sylvain squinted as he finished another set and took a moment to breath. “Not sure I recall much of last year.”</p>
<p>“Remarkable that Ingrid hasn’t reminded you,” Felix noted dryly. “Let’s just say, you weren’t wearing a costume either by the end of the night.”</p>
<p>“No rule that says the costume stays on till morning,” Sylvain shrugged. “But I expect to see one at the door. And on Dimitri. If he wears his depression clothes again, I’ll ban him from my home.”</p>
<p>“Not sure he has any other clothes,” Felix said, trying to consider if he’d seen anything in Dimitri’s closet that wouldn’t be considered sad.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Sylvain abruptly said.</p>
<p>“What?” Felix asked as Sylvain suddenly froze. “Cramp?”</p>
<p>“Nope, had an idea,” Sylvain grinned. “I’ve got a few things for Dimitri to borrow. I’ll text him now.”</p>
<p>“Just—” Felix started with frustration. Sylvain’s phone was supposed to be in his bag when they were training.</p>
<p>And Felix felt oddly possessive about him texting Dimitri. Sylvain would make him feel guilty, like he had to go to this stupid Halloween party. And Sylvain wouldn’t have to live with the ripple effect of that stress, the lost sleep, the nightmares, the faded numb quality that Felix hated so much.</p>
<p>“You can leave early, Felix, seriously,” Sylvain said, reading the look on Felix’s face. “You’re his boyfriend, not his bodyguard. He can decide for himself if he’s up for it."</p>
<p>Yes, Felix thought silently, and you’re Sylvain, the person who is so careless with himself that he hurts other people in the process. But Sylvain did have his occasional moments of wisdom. If he had a habit of pushing people out of their comfort zone, it was sometimes to their benefit.</p>
<p>“Fine,” Felix relented. “You’re right. I’m just being difficult.”</p>
<p>“Course you are, Fe,” Sylvain smiled. “But honestly? It’s pretty sickening how much you love him. Makes us single folks feel pretty bad.”</p>
<p>“Back on the rowing machine,” Felix commanded. “And never say that again.”</p>
<p>He texted Dimitri himself once the training session was over.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Sylvain wants to see you at Halloween party. Am happy to be your excuse if you don’t want to go.’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I might want to go. Annette and Mercedes will be there.’</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘They can always come over beforehand. Don’t have to attend party with other people.’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> ‘I would really like to try. It would mean a lot to Sylvain. And he had an idea for a costume.’</em>
</p>
<p>Felix pressed the edge of the phone to his forehead and sighed heavily. That meant he needed an idea for a costume.</p>
<p>Annette and Mercedes were to arrive in the late afternoon before the Halloween party and proceed to Sylvain’s house. Felix had insisted that they stay at his apartment afterwards since he wouldn’t be using it anyways and Sylvain’s crowd weren’t likely to be in bed until dawn.</p>
<p>It made him nervous to let them stay in his house without him. He knew Annette could get them back to the apartment safely, that he would give her the spare key and leave out everything they would need, but he felt guilty for not helping out.</p>
<p>He was needed elsewhere, though, he reminded himself. He might have to leave early. He might have to talk Dimitri down from panicking if a stranger recognized him. Dedue would be there, but Felix felt responsible in a deeper way. He had signed up for this. He was Dimitri’s shield.</p>
<p>Then of course, he saw the costume.</p>
<p>It was… well, sometimes Sylvain did have good ideas.</p>
<p>Dimitri was already dressed when Felix showed up, still anxious from deep cleaning his apartment into a serviceable hotel room and wearing the miserable excuse for a costume he’d cobbled together. Felix felt his face flush immediately at the sight.</p>
<p>Obviously, he was a pirate. Obviously.</p>
<p>How Felix had not thought of that was frankly embarrassing</p>
<p>Sylvain had lent him a coat that reached his knees, clearly too finely made to be a cheap costume piece. Under that, his clothes were fairly simple. A white shirt, slightly loose, cut low enough to show the middle of his chest, and black pants, just a bit tighter than normal now that his muscle mass was getting better. He was holding a novelty tri-corner in his hands.</p>
<p>Basically, he looked really fucking good.</p>
<p>“I feel ridiculous,” Dimitri sighed as Felix stared at him.</p>
<p>“Well, it’s Halloween, it’s a ridiculous holiday,” Felix said, clearing his throat. “But it kinda suits you.”</p>
<p>“I guess I will feel less foolish once you put your costume on,” Dimitri smiled.</p>
<p>“I’m already wearing it,” Felix shrugged. “Come on, let’s get on the subway before it’s full of other pirates.”</p>
<p>Sylvain’s house was decked out for Halloween, but it honestly wasn’t much different than how Sylvain’s house looked normally, although perhaps with more fake cobwebs.</p>
<p>Sylvain had somehow gotten what genuinely appeared to be a brass cauldron that he was mixing drinks in and the walls were hung with menacing portraits, disconcerting voodoo dolls, and actual pinned butterflies in glass frames.</p>
<p>“Dimitri!” Sylvain exclaimed in delight when he saw them. “You dashing pirate captain, you look amazing!”</p>
<p>Sylvain was naked from the waist-up, of course, and he was covered in glitter, body paint, and tiny intricately laid scales. He wore yellow contacts and his eyes were lined with gold while his lips were highlighted a dark red.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Dimitri said with a flush. “And Sylvian, you have… outdone yourself. You look like a painting!”</p>
<p>“I’m Temptation,” Sylvain smirked. “Drink?”</p>
<p>“Water is fine,” Dimitri said as Sylvain was already holding out a plastic cup for him.</p>
<p>“I’ll take one,” Felix said. Sylvain frowned at the sight of him.</p>
<p>“No costume, no drink,” he said firmly.</p>
<p>“I’m an android,” Felix explained. He pointed to his hand where he had carefully applied a sticker that gave the impression of metal and wires protruding through his skin. He pulled the collar of his shirt down to reveal a barcode and then lifted his hair to reveal a few old cables he’d taped to his back so they dangled down his neck.</p>
<p>Sylvain assessed him for a minute.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he finally conceded. “That’s like… kinda fun. In the worst way possible, you tried.”</p>
<p>“I like it,” Dimitri said, inspecting the barcode sticker. “I wonder what it leads to…”</p>
<p>“I’m just saying Felix,” Sylvain said as he ladled a drink out from the cauldron, “I go to all this trouble to make Dimitri as hot for you as I possibly can…”</p>
<p>Dimitri choked on the water.</p>
<p>“Sylvain…” Felix said in a tone of warning. A knock at the door interrupted before they could get any further.</p>
<p>Annette and Mercedes had showed up, having apparently packed light for their single night’s journey, and were already wearing most of their costumes. Velma and Daphne respectively, Felix noted.</p>
<p>With them was Ingrid who’d met them at the train station as she made her long way downtown and across the bridge to the brownstone.</p>
<p>Ingrid looked stunning. She wore a long white gown, loose and draped artfully over her curves. She had a pair of golden bracers on her arms and a circlet around her blonde hair with a tiny crescent dangling in the middle of her forehead. Silver sparkles were dusted over her cheeks.</p>
<p>“Welcome, welcome!” Sylvain called from the kitchen, as the three of them came in and Annette immediately folded Felix into a hug. “Get settled, get drinks!”</p>
<p>“Here’s the key,” Felix said anxiously to Annette. “And you’ll call if you need anything, right? I’ll be back first thing in the morning to take you to breakfast.”</p>
<p>“Yep, got it!” Annette said cheerfully, carefully zipping his spare key into her backpack. “And hi Dimitri! Nice to see you in person again! Love the costume.”</p>
<p>Dimitri smiled self-consciously.</p>
<p>“It was all Sylvain’s idea,” he said humbly. “You and Mercedes look excellent as well. Would this make your cat Scooby?”</p>
<p>“She’s much more of a Scrappy,” Mercedes laughed. “Sylvain, the place is so spooky! I love it!”</p>
<p>Sylvain emerged from the kitchen with more cups and then spotted Ingrid for the first time. His eyes went wide.</p>
<p>“Woah, Ingrid,” he said with a nervous laugh. “That’s… you look… different.”</p>
<p>“I’m the moon,” she said with a shy smile. “Does it measure up to your costume standards?”</p>
<p>“Sure, sure,” Sylvain said, turning away and beginning to aimlessly search through is bottles of liquor. “I’ve never seen you wear glitter on your face before.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Ingrid said, sounding a bit crestfallen. “Does it look silly?”</p>
<p>“It looks good,” Felix said bluntly before Sylvain could shove his foot further into his mouth. “Way too nice for a party like this.”</p>
<p>Ingrid smiled at that.</p>
<p>Dedue showed up a few minutes later. Honestly, if there was anyone who would fail to wear a costume, Felix would have put his bet on Dedue. But he did arrive wearing an outfit that was definitely not a suit.</p>
<p>“Wait, let us guess,” Mercedes said when she saw him. “Umm, <em>Ratatouille</em>?”</p>
<p>“What?” Dedue looked puzzled.</p>
<p>“You’re right, that’s silly, you would have brought a rat,” Mercedes laughed.</p>
<p>“Boyardee maybe?” Ingrid offered. “No, I doubt Dedue has even eaten canned pasta in his life.”</p>
<p>“The Swedish Chef,” Dimitri offered.</p>
<p>“I just thought I could be a chef,” Dedue said uncomfortably. “Generically.”</p>
<p>“I have a few fake mustaches upstairs,” Sylvain said, already dashing up to his room. “And a plush rat, if you’d prefer.”</p>
<p>Felix gave Dedue a nod of solidarity. Dedue was a wise man to wear an apron to a party that would probably get raucous and full of artists in another hour.</p>
<p>“Oh, Ashe is going to facetime me,” Annette said excitedly. “So we can see his costume!”</p>
<p>Ashe appeared on Annette’s phone a few seconds later to cheers. He loved Halloween almost as much as Sylvain, Felix recalled. He was wearing an elaborate costume that seemed to have involved face paint, prosthetic ears, handsewn robes, and a large painted foam weapon. Felix knew it was some sort of anime character, although he had no inkling of who.</p>
<p>“Everyone looks so great!” his muffled voice exclaimed as Annette showed him around the room. “Ingrid, that dress is lovely, and Dimitri as a pirate! Naturally!”</p>
<p>He grinned as Dimitri shrugged.</p>
<p>“Why isn’t Felix wearing a costume, though?” Ashe asked.</p>
<p>“I’m an android,” Felix explained once again, trying to display the minimally costumed aspects of his outfit. Ashe’s face lit up.</p>
<p>“I guess I need to send you the next robot book soon,” he chuckled.</p>
<p>“Well, it was easy,” Felix said, uncomfortable with the attention. “Yours clearly required much more skill and dedication. It’s impressive.”</p>
<p>“Oh, it wasn’t so difficult,” Ashe said. “I always used to make costumes for my siblings out of whatever we had lying around the house so I’ve had a lot of practice. Now, Sylvain, all those little scales, that is impressive!” </p>
<p>They sat in a circle and complimented one another for a while. Felix got buzzed before the party began on Sylvain’s whiskey.</p>
<p>He and Dimitri sat side by side and while Felix wasn’t usually fond of constant touch, he intentionally let his knee brush Dimitri’s, just a tiny gesture, a message meant to establish that they were indeed together.</p>
<p>“Can I just toast to having Dimitri here this year?” Sylvain said, raising his glass. Dimitri shook his head with embarrassment.</p>
<p>“Please, there’s no need—” he started to say.</p>
<p>“Why toast when we can group hug?” Annette declared before he could finish. She jumped to her feet and before anyone knew what was happening, they had all awkwardly piled onto the same couch.</p>
<p>Dimitri’s face scrunched up with helpless laughter as he was nearly crushed in the process. It even drew a rare smile from Dedue.</p>
<p>Eventually, Ashe signed off to go to his own Halloween gathering with his graduate school friends. Sylvain put on his party playlist, a terrible mishmash of overplayed Halloween favorites and 80s pop hits.</p>
<p>But it was somehow fun, Felix thought. Somehow he was having fun. He caught up with Annette while Dimitri and Mercedes had some sort of quiet earnest conversation about sewing.</p>
<p>Sylvain packed a bowl and offered it around.</p>
<p>“Anyone?” he asked. “Dimitri? I know you’re not drinking, but it’s just weed…”</p>
<p>“I’m afraid not,” Dimitri declined. “Too many other chemicals in me already.</p>
<p>“Please do not offer him weed,” Dedue sighed. Sylvain shrugged and passed it to Mercedes instead.</p>
<p>“You guys remember that year when the college had a masquerade ball party for Halloween?” Sylvain reminisced idly, after returning from his fourth costume reapplication. He was shedding glitter and scales at an alarming rate.</p>
<p>“That was a good year,” Ingrid said. “They had chocolate covered strawberries.”</p>
<p>“And Sylvain actually taught us how to do real dances,” Annette smiled. “It felt very fancy!”</p>
<p>“And I bet Dimitri that if I aced a paper for history, he had to ask a girl to dance using one of my lines,” Sylvain smirked. Dimitri groaned and put his head into his hands.</p>
<p>“I seem to recall the night ending with him hiding in your dorm room,” Dedue said sternly.</p>
<p>Sylvain laughed. “Maybe I should have dared him to ask Felix.”</p>
<p>“I can destroy you,” Felix reminded him dispassionately. </p>
<p>“He would have turned me down anyways,” Dimitri said mildly. Felix frowned although it was indisputably true.</p>
<p>“That’s the problem with masquerade balls,” Sylvain shook his head wisely. “Too easy to tell who people actually are. The whole point of Halloween is getting to be somebody else for a night.”</p>
<p>The conversation turned philosophical and moved to other topics. Felix sighed and leaned a bit closer to Dimitri.</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t now,” he muttered to him. Dimitri furrowed his brow.</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t what?”</p>
<p>“Turn you down.”</p>
<p>Then other people began to arrive and Felix held his breath.</p>
<p>Sylvain’s artists friends were a wild crowd. All of them were wearing elaborate costumes, some of them works of art in and of themselves.</p>
<p>Sylvain greeted them, preened a bit in his own costume, served drinks, and generally facilitated the party becoming an actual party.</p>
<p>Everyone stood rather than sat now as Sylvain had them shove the furniture out of the way to make room. Felix and Dimitri stood in a corner with Dedue, while their other friends bobbed in and out of the conversational circle.</p>
<p>Dimitri looked impassive but Felix noted how rigid his posture had gotten as the room began to fill up.</p>
<p>“Hey,” a voice said and Felix spun to see a young woman with tousled dark red hair in a sort of 1940s pinup outfit covered in tiny googly eyes. She was looking at Dimitri who appeared frozen in place.</p>
<p>“What?” Felix asked, his voice a bit dangerous.</p>
<p>“Awesome coat,” she said, pointing to Dimitri.</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s not mine, Sylvain lent me—” he immediately stammered. “Ah, your costume is much more interesting. What is it?”</p>
<p>“I’m a sexy panopticon,” the girl said. Dimitri’s face actually lit up a bit. If there was one way to his heart, Felix thought with exasperation, it was apparently casually referencing Foucault.</p>
<p>The girl turned out to be named Hapi. She was an interesting conversationalist, one of those people who Felix could never quite gauge if she was sarcastic or if that was just her usual voice.</p>
<p>She and Dimitri talked radical politics for a while, she made some cutting jokes at the expense of the Church of Seiros, and they swapped recommended reading.</p>
<p>When one of her friends called her away, she smiled at them.</p>
<p>“Nice meeting you pirate guy and guy who didn’t wear a costume,” she said.</p>
<p>“I’m a—” Felix started to say and then gave up.</p>
<p>“Don’t feel bad, Felix,” Dimitri said warmly. “In the cyberpunk dystopia of modernity, most people can’t distinguish man from machine.”</p>
<p>Maybe it was the alcohol, but Felix actually snorted with laughter at that one.</p>
<p>“I think the pirate costume is working effectively,” Dedue said quietly. “If you could excuse me for a moment…”</p>
<p>Dimitri nodded as Dedue shouldered his way through the crowd.</p>
<p>“You alright?” Felix asked. Dimitri looked down and nodded.</p>
<p>“Surprisingly so,” he said. “It really is like getting to just… be a different person for a while.”</p>
<p>Felix felt very warm. He’d had a lot of whiskey, all of it straight up since he refused Sylvain’s sugary punch. People around them were dancing and Felix saw the rest of his friends looking relaxed and happy and it all felt good.</p>
<p>The playlist shifted to the next song. Belinda Carlisle’s <em>Mad About You</em>, one of Sylvain’s 80s cheesy favorites.</p>
<p>“This might be your chance,” Felix said.</p>
<p>Dimitri took a moment to understand. But the song swelled around them and he seemed to make the connection.</p>
<p>“Should we dance, then?” he looked amused.</p>
<p>Felix swallowed his pride and let Dimitri wrap him into his arms. He let his head rest on Dimitri’s shoulder, wrapped his arms around his waist.</p>
<p>This was probably the dumbest thing Felix had ever done in public. It was pretty nice though.</p>
<p>They swayed to the music while Belinda Carlisle crooned that she was mad, that she was lost, that she had put all reason aside.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>guys I worked so hard for the please do not eat the weeds joke</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Winter slowly crept over the city. Felix liked the cold. He liked wrapping himself in a thick jacket, walking fast to keep his blood warm, drinking scalding coffee and seeing his breath freeze in the air.</p>
<p>He was also somewhat terrifyingly happy in his life. He went weeks hardly believing that things were just working, occasionally plagued by stabs of panic that it might all collapse.</p>
<p>It wasn’t all perfect of course. Dimitri had another of his bad nightmares, spent a week without sleeping more than a few hours a night, got sad and listless, utterly without interest in food or sex or really anything at all.</p>
<p>But then he pulled himself out of it again. He got an email from Professor Byleth and found the energy to write a long reply. He forced himself to eat and tried to sleep and eventually regained a bit of libido.</p>
<p>And Felix was there. He stayed at Dimitri’s apartment about half of the time now. Even when Dimitri was sad, he was still Dimitri. He was still compassionate. As Dedue had said, he maintained his capacity to love. That was enough.</p>
<p>It was also frightening. Frightening because Felix couldn’t remember ever feeling so strongly about anything before in his life. He wasn’t sure he’d ever loved someone so much before, except maybe Glenn.</p>
<p>But Dimitri didn’t seem to be going anywhere. If anything, he was getting better. Not cured, but talking to people was making him more comfortable in public. He didn’t fixate so much on every interaction, and dutifully kept in contact with the group via text if nothing else.</p>
<p>Felix was almost starting to think that his paranoia about getting recognized would go away.</p>
<p>Until of course, he did get recognized.</p>
<p>It happened after they’d gone for a run. It was a bitterly cold morning and the sweat they worked up turned icy cold as soon as they slowed to a walk. Felix went to grab a coffee from a stand, promising to let Dimitri hold it to warm his hands up. It was a normal morning.</p>
<p>Then a woman standing in line in front of them turned around. She was middle aged, but faintly glamorous in the way of rich city people. Her hair and skin were pale, and her eyes icy blue, giving her a slightly spectral appearance.</p>
<p>“Dimitri?” she said, her voice low and musical.</p>
<p>Dimitri froze and went totally silent.</p>
<p>“Nope,” Felix said, his voice hardening. “You’re mistaken.”</p>
<p>“No, no, I’d recognize you anywhere,” she continued, her face breaking into a broad smile. “You’re Patty’s son. I’m an old friend, don’t you remember?”</p>
<p>Dimitri said nothing, just shook his head stiffly.</p>
<p>“Cornelia,” the woman filled in. “I was your mom’s best friend from way back when. Goodness, I had no idea you still lived in the city.”</p>
<p>“The doctor,” Dimitri finally said, his voice almost inaudible, “yes.”</p>
<p>“Family doctor to this one for years. I remember him as just a tiny little thing coming in with Patricia to my office and raiding the candy bowl,” Cornelia said, glancing briefly at Felix before she returned to Dimitri. “Obviously, it broke my heart to hear about your arrest. Someone should have taken better care of you at that school.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Dimitri murmured.</p>
<p>“Oh, looks like I’m up next to order,” Cornelia said merrily. “But it was so nice to run into you, Dimitri. You keep well, okay? Tell your uncle to keep taking his vitamins and all that.”</p>
<p>“I will,” Dimitri whispered.</p>
<p>Cornelia turned to order her coffee and Dimitri stayed totally frozen until she was gone. Felix bought his own drink quickly, perfunctorily, wishing they had just left the damn park when they were done.</p>
<p>“Come on,” he said once he was done, setting off quickly towards the edge of the park. “Let’s get you home.”</p>
<p>“She was my stepmother’s doctor,” Dimitri said, his voice distant as he trailed behind Felix. “I remember that. I didn’t think they were friends, though, not really.”</p>
<p>“Try not to think about it,” Felix said. “It was a fluke. A one in a million chance for a city this large.”</p>
<p>“I never realized she still spoke to my uncle,” Dimitri said. “And she’s giving him vitamins?"</p>
<p>He looked behind them quickly, glancing over his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Dimitri,” Felix said urgently. “No one is following you.”</p>
<p>“I—” Dimitri started to say. Then he took a deep breath. “I know that.”</p>
<p>“You should text Dedue,” Felix said as they finally left the park. “I work closing tonight.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be alright, Felix,” Dimitri objected. Felix just gave him a sharp glare. He sighed. “I will see if he’s free.”</p>
<p>“Just remember,” Felix said firmly, “she was your stepmother’s doctor. She probably just recognized you from the news and wanted her brush with fame. You know what’s real and you’re going to be fine.”</p>
<p>“Right, right,” Dimitri agreed morosely. “But… she wouldn’t talk to a newspaper, right? Even a tabloid might pay for a photo…”</p>
<p>Felix felt the lurch in his stomach he often felt when Dimitri mentioned the press.</p>
<p>It was the uncomfortable recollection of Claude and his “big story” on Agartha Tech that blessedly seemed to have been dropped.</p>
<p>Unless, Felix thought, it wasn’t dropped, and any day now Claude would publish something that brought all of that darkness back to the surface and made Dimitri’s life a living hell. He hadn’t told Dimitri about that interaction and he certainly wasn’t going to do that now.</p>
<p>Before he left for work, he pulled Dimitri down into a kiss, the kind of hard and fierce kiss that served more as a signal of how much Felix cared than anything else. Dimitri sighed heavily, looking smaller than normal, like he was deflating.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I’m like this,” he said before Felix turned to go.</p>
<p>“You know I hate it when you say that,” Felix replied, his fists clenching.</p>
<p>“I don’t know how else to tell you that I wish I could be better for you,” Dimitri said. “That I hate knowing how much I make you worry about me.”</p>
<p>“But you know why I worry,” Felix said, looking up to watch his frozen breath trail up towards the grey sky. “You know why.”</p>
<p>Dimitri smiled painfully and nodded.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The winter holidays were quickly approaching, marking Felix’s official least favorite weekend of the year. While his father was content to let birthdays and summer vacations slide, he clung on to the tradition of spending the winter holidays together like it was his lifeline.</p>
<p>It probably was, Felix thought glumly, the only significant amount of time they ever spent together. And it was an exercise in forced misery.</p>
<p>Rodrigue would cook horrible food, sad attempted recreations of his mother’s recipes. They would eat it silently, forcing food into their mouths in stubborn defiance of the taste.</p>
<p>They would not mention that Glenn had always complained about the green beans or how much he’d liked the horrible cranberry sauce.</p>
<p>They would sit in the living room and watch movies to fill the empty space, the screen providing a blessed distraction from one another. The next morning, Rodrigue would go to church and stay as long as he could.</p>
<p>They would make an appearance at a party with Felix’s uncle and some ancient family friends and Felix would stare silently out of the window and listen to old people brag about their adult children. It would be miserable.</p>
<p>The worst part of this year was that Dimitri was firmly obligated to visit Rufus. At least he would have Dedue with him, although he’d have to sit up and perform the role of penitent yet successfully rehabilitated dependent the entire time.</p>
<p>“I’ll miss you, you know,” Dimitri said as they lay in bed one night. He was curled around Felix on his side, radiating warmth that made Felix slightly more okay with being enveloped by him. “Even if it’s just a week.”</p>
<p>“You’ll be alright with Dedue there,” Felix said, a statement and a question.</p>
<p>“I will,” Dimitri said, sounding calm and assured, “will you be alright?”</p>
<p>“I’ll be moody as hell,” Felix said, “but I’ll be fine.”</p>
<p>Dimitri rolled over and glanced at the clock.</p>
<p>“Midnight already,” he sighed.</p>
<p>“Hey, that’s it,” Felix realized. “Twenty-seven, right? Happy birthday.”</p>
<p>“Twenty-seven,” Dimitri nodded. “Feels both older and so much younger than I am.”</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Felix snorted.</p>
<p>“All the confusion and idiocy of youth, none of the physical benefits,” Dimitri said. “I feel decrepit already.”</p>
<p>“You don’t like your body much,” Felix observed. He kept his tone as neutral as possible.</p>
<p>“No, I guess not,” Dimitri agreed. “I think I used to, at least more than now. But now it’s just… too big. Too frightening. Doesn’t sleep right or eat right.”</p>
<p>“Well, it’s given you twenty-seven years,” Felix said defensively, as though it was his body Dimitri was criticizing. “And I like it plenty. As you’ve noticed.”</p>
<p>Felix had a few gifts for the next day. A book, of course, and sweater, practical, and a game he’d found particularly soothing already downloaded to Dimitri’s laptop. These were small gifts. Gifts anyone might get him. It didn’t feel special enough.</p>
<p>“You want to ring it in with style?” Felix asked, rolling over so they could face each other.</p>
<p>“I’m not tired yet,” Dimitri said with an arch of his eyebrow.</p>
<p>Felix pounced on him. He pressed his lips to every part of him he could find, ran his tongue over his neck, down his chest, until he was mouthing over his underwear. He grabbed a fistful of Dimitri’s hair and slid the eyepatch off. Dimitri squeezed both eyes shut with a gasp of pleasure.</p>
<p>Felix so often couldn’t put his feelings into words, so he tried to show Dimitri with his lips, his tongue, his hands, how much he loved his body as well as everything else. If he couldn’t say something poetic about how Dimitri made him feel, then he would show it with every reverent touch, every shiver of want, every rare desperate sound that Dimitri always managed to wring out of him.</p>
<p>Afterward they cleaned up, Felix crawled on top of Dimitri again and raked his fingers through his hair, combing it back out of his face so he could stare down at him. Dimitri parted his lips, his face still flushed from exertion.</p>
<p>“Not bad for decrepit twenty-seven,” Felix whispered. “You’re fucking… beautiful, you know?”</p>
<p>“If you say so,” Dimitri replied languidly.</p>
<p>“I know so,” Felix said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Felix checked the group thread as he sat on the train heading to his father’s house. It was an unusually gloomy thread.</p>
<p>Mercedes and Annette had good relationships with their mothers, but holidays for them were also marred by familial absence. Sylvain’s family threw very cheerful parties, but Sylvain himself always got into a sort of manic state about it given his father’s penchant for unrealistic standards. Ingrid and Ashe would go home happily, although they had to cope with the financial pressure of travel more than the rest of them.</p>
<p>And Dedue and Dimitri would go upstate to see Dimitri’s uncle, live for the week in a family estate haunted by memories of their parents, and pray that unexpected snowfall didn’t extend the visit any further.  </p>
<p>Felix stared out of the train window and tried to concentrate on his music. He had a book open in front of him, another pulpy science fiction novel with a gun wielding robot on the cover. He felt self-conscious about reading it in public, and yet self-conscious about being influenced by what other people thought of him. Professor Byleth had endorsed it, Felix remembered, at the reunion.</p>
<p>He scrolled through his phone, rereading messages from the group thread of friends wishing one another good holidays with minimal familial drama. Everyone was fine, he reminded himself. No one was primed to do anything stupid.</p>
<p>But people were unpredictable, Felix worried. One semester at GMU, Annette’s deadbeat father had sent a holiday card and she’d gotten her hopes up that he might show. The fallout from that had been terrible.</p>
<p>The first year Sylvain had gone home without Miklan there, he had bought his flight with literal tears in his eyes.</p>
<p>Ingrid had taken a twenty-hour greyhound home the previous year because her job didn’t pay her enough to book a flight. Felix had pretended he had spare airline miles and tried to convince her to use them, but she stubbornly insisted on packing a few sandwiches and making the long journey alone.</p>
<p>And Dimitri, Felix thought, wandering his old house in the bleak upstate cold. What if something happened? What if Cornelia decided to talk to a tabloid or Claude suddenly dumped an article out into the world or Edelgard announced some new career move or if he just slipped on the stupid ice and…?</p>
<p>The train began to slow and Felix snapped his book shut and stowed it in his bag. His father would be at the station to meet him.</p>
<p>When he got off the train, Rodrigue Fraldarius was waiting in the parking lot, foolishly shivering in his coat outside of the car for some nonsensical reason. Felix nodded to him as he approached.</p>
<p>“Good to see you Felix,” his father said cautiously.</p>
<p>“Get in the car already,” Felix said derisively. “It’s freezing.”</p>
<p>“How was your trip?” his father asked as soon as they were on the road and the heater was on full blast. Felix let his eyes wander out of the window, taking in the snow and the grey landscape.</p>
<p>“Fine,” Felix said shortly.</p>
<p>“How’s that arm of yours?” his father asked.</p>
<p>Felix had an old tendon injury from the years after graduation when he’d been fighting competitively. His father had been particularly relieved when he’d decided to quit and focus on working as a trainer instead.</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Felix said. “How’s work?”</p>
<p>Work was one of their safe topics. Rodrigue Fraldarius was a surgeon, one of the most unambiguously useful things to be. While he’d gotten his start as a combat medic serving alongside the late and ever beloved Lambert Blaiddyd, now he did coronary bypasses and made piles of money.</p>
<p>That was the problem with his father, Felix thought. He was, in many ways, an extremely good person. He was loyal, he was unfailingly kind to Dimitri, he genuinely loved Felix no matter how often he messed that up, and he wanted to help people.</p>
<p>But he was also self-righteous, a true believer in deadly lies. He upheld the heroic solider and worshipped the lone hero cop and refused to look at their hands soaked in civilian blood.</p>
<p>He had coped with Glenn’s death by transforming him into a warrior, killed in action, sacrificing himself for the greater good.</p>
<p>And Felix couldn’t stand that. Because no matter what he said, Felix could see that it was all ego. All just saving face and rewriting the story so Rodrigue could be the bereaved father of a hero. Not a teenaged boy who had probably died confused and scared and in pain.</p>
<p>And so they talked about work. His father talked about the hospital and Felix talked about the gym and they swapped notes on health and physical therapy and they didn’t have a fight.</p>
<p>When they arrived at the house, too big for just the two of them, Felix sent a quick text to Dimitri.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Just got home. How’s upstate?’ </em>
</p>
<p>He trudged inside, glancing out of the large front windows and spotting the distant grey mass of the lake. The house was sterile and tastefully decorated. His father mainly inhabited his bedroom and office and let the rest of the house sit and get polished by maids once every two weeks. There was a framed photo of Glenn and Felix over the fireplace, Felix still awkward and baby-faced while Glenn was dashing.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Upstate is cold. My uncle says he’s glad I’ve put on some weight, so I suppose I should pass his thanks on to you.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix sighed, impotently furious at not being there to snap at Rufus for even mentioning something like that.</p>
<p>“Is that, uh, Dimitri?” his father asked, noticing Felix suddenly absorbed in his phone. Felix nodded silently. “Give him my best, alright? I wish he could be here with us.”</p>
<p>Felix looked up at that. Rodrigue looked similarly concerned. Maybe that was alright then, Felix thought, if his father was still sharp enough to recognize that Rufus had never been much of a caretaker to his nephew.</p>
<p>“I will,” Felix said simply. “I’m going to unpack. Is the guest room still…?”</p>
<p>“I’ve kept your room as you left it for the most part,” his father said.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to,” Felix muttered. He climbed the stairs and opened the door to his own bedroom slowly.</p>
<p>It was like stepping into the past. He’d lived in dorms most of his life but the room was still filled with relics. Same old quilt sewn by his grandmother. Same old sports trophies lining the shelves. Same old dusty fencing rapier in the closet.</p>
<p>He had slept beside Dimitri in that room when he visited over the summer. He had anxiously confessed to Glenn that he might like boys while sitting on that bed. He had cried himself to sleep for weeks in a row after Glenn was dead on those pillows.</p>
<p>Now he just tossed his duffel bag onto the bed and lay down beside it. He sent a reply to Dimitri.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘My father says he wishes you were here. Guess we agree on something.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Dimitri replied swiftly.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘That is kind of you both. Please don’t worry too much. It isn’t terrible where I am and Dedue has been cooking all day which is nice to see. I hope you are finding your own visit just as bearable.’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>Felix smiled at that, relaxing slightly.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘It’s bearable for now. Wish Dedue was cooking here. Dinner usually an exercise in suffering.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He sat up and stirred around for a minute before stepping out into the hallway. His eyes rested on Glenn’s closed door, across the hallway from his room.</p>
<p>Slowly, he opened it, not sure why, other than that it was a test of his resolve and pain tolerance. Glenn’s room was always kept the same. Nothing was ever moved. His clothes still hung in the closet, old clothes, years out of fashion.</p>
<p>As Felix opened the door, however, he saw that Rodrigue had stuck something new into the sanctum. There were boxes piled on the floor, some of them labeled in sharpie, but taped shut. Felix glanced over a few of them. “Office” one said and “Storage Unit” said another. Not unusual labels, but unusual in their placement.</p>
<p>What was his father doing storing old papers in Glenn’s bedroom, which was always closed and perfectly preserved?</p>
<p>Felix stepped out of the room and shut the door again. He went down the hall to the bathroom, washed his hands and face, retied his hair.</p>
<p>They ordered takeout that night. Some local taco shop, far worse than anything you could get in the city. Felix picked subpar carne asada out of his food and ate little else.</p>
<p>“What are those boxes?” he finally asked when conversation about work and updates on cousins dissipated. His father’s brows furrowed.</p>
<p>“I should have guessed you’d check,” his father said, sounding a bit melancholy. “They’re some of Lambert’s things. Rufus was selling old properties and asked me if I’d like to take anything before it was thrown out.”</p>
<p>“He was just going to toss everything in his brother’s storage unit?” Felix asked, an edge of anger in his voice.</p>
<p>“He owns the property now, it’s his right,” his father said, but his voice was tight.</p>
<p>“He shouldn’t,” Felix said darkly. “It’s a damn conservatorship. Dimitri wouldn’t want him to just toss stuff like that.”</p>
<p>“I agree, son,” his father said. “We’re on the same side here.”</p>
<p>Felix nodded at his father. At least where Dimitri was concerned, they were on the same side.</p>
<p>“It’s good to see you…” his father began and then cleared his throat. “Really care about someone. I hope you know that I am proud of you.”</p>
<p>Felix felt a mixture of strong yet undefined emotions. File that away for next week’s therapy, he told himself, don’t worry about it yet.</p>
<p>“Hmm,” he simply said in response. “I can put the plates in the dishwasher.”</p>
<p>His childhood bedroom was cold that night. In his dreams, he could almost hear Glenn snoring across the hall.</p>
<p>He walked down to the lake the next morning and sent a picture of it to the group thread. The water was frigid, but too large and choppy to ever freeze over. Dimitri seemed to appreciate a glimpse of it. Mercedes sent a photo of herself with her mom and a cake they had made together. Ingrid sent a photo of her fat ancient pony, the only horse her father hadn’t sold when they’d gotten into debt.</p>
<p>It felt good to just check in like that. Tiny gestures of solidarity reassured him that soon he would be back home and his life would be normal again.</p>
<p>When he returned, his father was laboring over cooking dinner. Felix offered to help, but Rodrigue insisted on doing the work, so Felix retreated to the barely used living room and read his book until he’d finished it. He sent Ashe a message with his review and felt better.</p>
<p>They watched a movie once the roast was in the oven. Something designed for mass appeal and easy to consume. There was some sort of heist.</p>
<p>When evening came, Rodrigue laid out the food. It was too much for only two people. The leftovers would go bad before his father ever finished them.</p>
<p>They ate in near silence. Felix forced dry meat down his throat and let soggy green beans discorporate in his mouth. His father poured wine and he drank it as fast as he dared.</p>
<p>When they had finished, Felix happily volunteered to wash dishes, polishing each piece of silverware to perfection to draw the experience out as long as possible.</p>
<p>After dinner, his father would probably suggest something like playing cards, which Felix hated. He always got too competitive, no matter how much he tried not to care, and he inevitably ended the night throwing his cards onto the table like a frustrated child.</p>
<p>“After dinner, I thought…” his father said when Felix had no more excuses to delay. But Rodrigue looked unusually tense.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. But I was going to go to the graveyard for a while,” his father finally said.</p>
<p>Felix’s mouth went dry.</p>
<p>“I know you don’t like it,” his father said apologetically. “But I thought I would offer just in case.”</p>
<p>Felix had only ever gone to the graveyard kicking and screaming when he was younger. Rodrigue would always insist on laying out flowers or wreaths. Nothing but enslavement to the dead, Felix had argued. It was worthless.</p>
<p>“I’ll go with you,” Felix heard himself say, although he didn’t know why. Dimitri was rubbing off on him. He was getting nostalgic, dwelling on the distant past that could never be changed.</p>
<p>His father looked surprised but nodded. </p>
<p>“I’ll get my coat, then.”</p>
<p>The graveyard by evening was quiet. The light was dim and Felix had to use a flashlight to see the inscriptions on the monuments. They walked to the family plot, snow crunching under their boots. It was bitterly cold and Felix shivered even with his layers.</p>
<p>Glenn’s grave was technically just a memorial. His ashes had been scattered years prior. After all, there hadn’t been much of his body left for a funeral. Felix and his father stood in front of it for a few minutes, the winter wind whipping around them.</p>
<p>Beyond it, Felix could make out his mother’s grave. She’d died when he was too young to remember much of her. Glenn had told him a few stories, but he was pretty young as well when she’d gotten sick, and the final years of her life had mostly been hospital visits and chemotherapy.</p>
<p>After a good ten minutes of standing in silence, Felix felt like his bones were freezing to the inside of his skin. He wanted to leave. He didn’t even know why he was here.</p>
<p>No voices, he noted. While Dimitri might hear Glenn for the rest of his life, Felix was starting to forget his brother’s voice. Dimitri got haunted by the dead while Felix just slipped further and further into solitude.</p>
<p>It was so quiet here. Nothing but the wind and the shifting crunch of snow. </p>
<p>“Why didn’t you ever remarry?” Felix asked abruptly.</p>
<p>His father glanced at him. His nose was very red. The cold, Felix thought. That’s all.</p>
<p>“I had kids to worry about. And then… then I had you to worry about,” his father finally said. “And now… I don’t know. Maybe it’s loyalty to the dead. Maybe I’m just tired of losing people.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Felix said.</p>
<p>“You’ll probably tell me that is nonsense,” his father said after a few seconds went by.</p>
<p>“I…” Felix struggled for the right word. “Understand.”</p>
<p>Rodrigue huffed a fond sounding laugh.</p>
<p>“Let’s go warm up,” his father said. “Make some cocoa or something.”</p>
<p>Felix had mint tea instead, but it did heat his hands up and make his cheeks burn as the blood returned to them. He went to bed early that night.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Hey.’</em>
  
</p>
<p>He texted Dimitri before he fell asleep.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I love you.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He put his phone facedown and tried not to think about whether Dimitri would respond. The phone buzzed against the nightstand and he jumped before his hand shot out to read the message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I love you too, Felix.’</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a chapter long exercise in trying not to name this ambiguous "winter holiday"</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His father went to church the next morning. Felix could never sleep in much, but he lay in bed until he heard Rodrigue leave the house. Then he went downstairs, found coffee left warm for him, and eggs in the fridge.</p>
<p>Felix sat and looked out at the distant lake as he finished his coffee. He felt antsy, like he was running out of time on some urgent project.</p>
<p>Perhaps it was just having the house to himself.</p>
<p>But then he drank the last mouthful of coffee and let his feet carry him upstairs. He walked back to Glenn’s room like he was under some spell and looked down at the boxes on the floor again.</p>
<p>They were taped shut. It would be obvious if he looked at them.</p>
<p>Felix slit one open with his key and rifled through the papers. He sat on the floor, not the bed or the desk chair, because no one ever sat on the furniture in Glenn’s room.</p>
<p>It was mostly old files, printed emails and institutional research reports. Campaign budget meeting requests and old travel itineraries soon littered the floor around him.</p>
<p>Felix set that box aside and opened another, one from the storage unit.  </p>
<p>These were Patricia’s things, Felix suddenly realized. Some of it was clearly trash. There was a lot of old blank stationary from her job with the foreign service. He found a folder of saved receipts she’d probably meant to submit for reimbursement. A dinner in an airport. A bottle of wine in a hotel room. There was a binder clipped pile of papers from something called Kleiman Market Consulting.</p>
<p>And then there was a manila envelope. Felix opened it and photos slid out.</p>
<p>Patricia as a young woman smiling in front of an Adrestian skyline. Patricia and a young man squinting at the camera from a paddleboat on some unknown river.</p>
<p>And a photo of what looked like a ski resort, a group of smiling young people posed outside. It was labeled at the bottom with names. There was Patricia and that young man in the center.</p>
<p>‘Anselma’ the text beneath read, and ‘Volkhard.’</p>
<p>Felix’s eyes narrowed. Volkhard as in Arundel? As in the man on the board of Agartha Tech that Dimitri had gotten violently obsessed with their senior year of college?</p>
<p>Then Felix looked closer and he nearly dropped the picture. There was a woman on the other side of Patricia, of Anselma, of whoever the fuck Dimitri’s stepmother actually was.</p>
<p>She had pale hair, icy blue eyes, a slightly smug smile.</p>
<p>Fuck. Fuck. He recognized her. Cornelia.</p>
<p>That was Cornelia.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>Felix leaned back. His heart was pounding his breathing grew rapid. He couldn’t process what this even meant.</p>
<p>He couldn’t understand except…</p>
<p>Except maybe Dimitri had never been delusional. At least, not as delusional as everyone thought. Obviously hearing voices in his head was psychosis, but what if he actually had discovered something? What if there actually was some conspiracy?</p>
<p>Felix knew from reading about it that Dimitri had accused Edelgard of killing his family, but the connection between ‘intentionally murdering a senator’ and ‘profiting from a foreign war’ had always seemed tenuous, far too coincidental, nothing but the ravings of a paranoid mind desperate for answers.</p>
<p>But if Patricia did actually have ties to Agartha Tech… and if Cornelia did as well…</p>
<p>And then there was Claude and his article. He’d said he had some promising evidence, right? Felix struggled to remember. It had been so long ago and he’d been distracted by the upheaval of his personal life.</p>
<p>But Claude had believed that Dimitri might have information, real and not delusional information.</p>
<p>Fuck. Fucking fuck.</p>
<p>The sound of the garage door opening startled him so badly that he dropped the photos on the floor. Quickly, he scooped them back up. He stuffed the papers back into the box, but kept the photos and their envelope, running back across the hall with them and stuffing them into his bag.</p>
<p>He had no idea what to do with this and there was no time to make a smart decision. But if… just on the off chance that this actually was… something… well he had a personal stake in it too. Where the hell had he put Claude’s card?</p>
<p>“Felix,” his father called up the stairs. “I’m getting ready to head to my brother’s.”</p>
<p>Felix stopped pacing around his room. He had to calm down and just survive through this wretched holiday party and repress all of this.</p>
<p>His phone buzzed. A text from Dimitri.</p>
<p>Dimitri who was blissfully unaware of what Felix was thinking, and maybe he needed to stay that way.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Well, it has finally happened. I have just shattered a gingerbread house that Dedue spent four hours making.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix had no idea how to reply to that right now.</p>
<p>“Felix?” his father called up the stairs again. Felix made a strained sound in his throat, shoved his shoes on and jogged down the stairs to get his coat.</p>
<p>His father seemed not to notice his state of stress. He was packing together a cloyingly sweet pie and a few bottles of wine to bring to the party and that distracted him until they were in the car and trundling down the snowy roads to the suburb where Rodrigue’s brother lived.</p>
<p>Felix stared down at his phone, at Dimitri’s harmless text, unable to answer it. He opened the internet and searched the name ‘Arundel.’</p>
<p>There was little information about him that Felix could find in a quick search. Volkhard von Arundel was on the board of Agartha Tech. There was a photo of him, a middle-aged man with dark brown hair and light eyes ringed with prominent lashes.</p>
<p>Felix found a very old article that named him as a prominent donor to the Western Church. But there was no information about his personal life. All Felix knew was that he was somehow related to Edelgard.</p>
<p>Edelgard who was Dimitri’s step-sister. Which mostly likely made Arundel Patricia’s brother.</p>
<p>“Are you alright?” his father asked, jolting Felix from his thoughts. They were cresting a hill, about to turn into the subdivision where Rodrigue’s brother lived. “You’re quieter than normal.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine, I just—” Felix took a deep breath. “Did you ever meet a doctor named Cornelia?”</p>
<p>Rodrigue glanced at him.</p>
<p>“Patricia’s doctor?” he asked. Felix suspected he saw some faint dislike in his father’s expression.</p>
<p>“We ran into her in the park,” Felix said. “She said she was an old friend of the family. How far back did that go?”</p>
<p>“Well,” his father said. “I suppose you’re old enough to hear all of this, but Patricia had a difficult life before she met Lambert. She’d had to give up a child somewhat involuntarily. Cornelia would… well, she proscribed antidepressants for Patricia. As a physician, it made me uncomfortable that she would work with a patient who was a personal friend, but Cornelia always said it was to protect Patricia from media attention.”</p>
<p>Felix’s heartrate began to accelerate again.</p>
<p>He squeezed his eyes shut. He was actually starting to panic, to totally shut down, right here in the car on the way to a family holiday party.</p>
<p>There was something nudging at the back of his mind. Something dark that he tried to never look at if he could help it.</p>
<p>When they brought the body back…</p>
<p>When they brought Glenn’s body back, he was nearly unrecognizable apart from his dental records. Felix hadn’t seen it. Rodrigue had gone to the coroner alone.</p>
<p>Lambert’s body was in better shape. He’d been ejected through the windshield and hadn’t been caught in the fire. How many times had Felix traced those old burns on Dimitri’s legs, those scars on his chest and back?</p>
<p>But Patricia’s body had been… burned to ash. They’d found a tooth, a melted ring, bones. Felix couldn’t allow himself to think it. Whose bones could those have been?</p>
<p>“Are you not feeling well?” His father’s voice sounded distant, like he was very far away.</p>
<p>“Fine,” Felix managed to respond.</p>
<p>They were in the driveway of his uncle’s house. Shit, how long had they been in the driveway?</p>
<p>“I can take you home if you’re sick,” Rodrigue said cautiously.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Felix repeated. He got out of the car.</p>
<p>His uncle’s house was full. All of the cousins on that side of the family had kids of their own now. Toddlers grabbed snack mix from bowls on the tables while their parents trailed behind them, looking bored and slurping wine from plastic cups.</p>
<p>Felix was always the odd one out with this crowd. He wasn’t local anymore. He wasn’t married. He had no kids.</p>
<p>His uncle was a sensible sort of person, nice enough, but it was abundantly clear that Felix would always be a bit strange to them. It wasn’t just being the gay cousin; it was also being the branch of the family touched by tragedy. And sadness, Felix knew very well, made people uncomfortable.  </p>
<p>Felix positioned himself in a corner of the living room, taking a wooden chair alongside the old people who drooped on the couches and smiled fondly at the children tottering around. He stared at his phone. He still hadn’t replied to Dimitri.</p>
<p>Slowly, he typed a response, guilt gnawing at him that he was lying somehow, but this was almost certainly a conversation that needed to take place in person.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Sorry to hear about house. Give Dedue condolences.’</em>
</p>
<p>There, that was something. At least Dimitri wouldn’t have to stew that Felix was ignoring him, although he would obviously understand if Felix was busy or distracted or simply didn’t have a good response.</p>
<p>“You still teaching martial arts, Felix?” a cousin asked him, battling a small child covered in chocolate stains with a napkin.</p>
<p>Felix nodded and let a few people question him about work, about martial arts, if the kids liked him, if they should sign their own young ones up. He tried not to sound too prickly, tried to say as little as possible, as his brain was mildly dissociating out of his body.</p>
<p>When the party finally ended, he felt exhausted and numb. He hadn’t had anything to drink so he drove the car back over the snowy hills and winding suburban streets. It was a welcome distraction, giving him something to focus on outside of his head. A few flakes of snow drifted across the headlights, but at least storm didn’t seem likely.</p>
<p>“Thanks for coming, Felix,” his father said when they got back to the house, which seemed colder and sadder in comparison after the family party. “I can drive you to the station after breakfast tomorrow morning if you’d like.”</p>
<p>“If you have work, I can get a cab,” Felix shrugged.</p>
<p>“I’d like to, if you’d let me,” his father said. Felix nodded.</p>
<p>“Goodnight.”</p>
<p>When he went to bed, he took a moment to scan through the group thread. There were photos and jokes and well-wishing. Sylvain was clearly tipsy or just very bad at typing.</p>
<p>Dedue had sent picture of Dimitri with the crumbled remains of a gingerbread house, looking like a guilty dog standing beside something broken. Most of the others had already reacted to it, laughing and poking gentle fun at Dimitri. Taking care of him, Felix realized. All of his friends were helping with that now.</p>
<p>Felix closed his eyes, but it was a long time until he fell asleep. He would need a lot of help, he thought grimly, and soon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As soon as he unlocked the door and let him into the apartment, Dimitri pulled Felix into a kiss that made him go weak at the knees.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” Dimitri said, clearing his throat and them closing the door behind Felix. “I’m just happy to see you.”</p>
<p>“Glad you’re back,” Felix said, setting down his backpack and wishing that his face wasn’t so flushed now. “How was your uncle?”</p>
<p>“It was better than I thought,” Dimitri said. He looked almost cheerful as they moved to the couch. He had a few strands of his hair tucked behind his ear and there was a bit of color in his cheeks. “He left me alone with Dedue for the most part. He seems older, or maybe he just wasn’t well.”</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Felix said, not liking the sound of that.</p>
<p>“But he was satisfied that I wasn’t about to have another nervous breakdown so I think we’re all clear. I, um, I didn’t really mention you, of course. I hope you don’t mind that,” Dimitri said.</p>
<p>“I don’t care literally at all what your uncle thinks or does not think in relation to me,” Felix said bluntly.</p>
<p>“Oh, and did you get a card from Mercedes?” Dimitri asked, reaching over to show him an envelope. “She sent me this and some fudge. I can’t really taste it, but I know you wouldn’t like it either.”</p>
<p>“I managed to convince her to stop sending fudge after a few years,” Felix smiled slightly. “Give it to Ingrid if you’d like.”</p>
<p>“It means a lot to be included this time,” Dimitri said happily. “Do you want to make dinner or order something? I think I have food, but you might not approve of it. We could watch a movie, maybe, while we eat.”</p>
<p>Felix clenched his jaw. It was unfair that he had to do this, especially now when Dimitri looked so happy, so relaxed, so unusually well. But it would be worse to lie, he knew. He would get jumpy and guilty and make everything worse if he did that.</p>
<p>But first, Felix leaned forward, pressed their bodies together in a long hug.</p>
<p>“Is everything okay?” Dimitri asked cautiously, wrapping his arms around Felix but clearly noting the out-of-character gesture.</p>
<p>“I’m good, but…” Felix sighed, and then forced himself to pull away. “I need to talk you about something serious. Something bad. And I know it’s going to upset you, so I don’t want to say it, but I have to.”</p>
<p>Dimitri’s eyebrows drew into an expression of worry.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he said, his voice suddenly much quieter. “Is it… did I do something?”</p>
<p>“No!” Felix said, his voice much louder and more forceful than he intended. “This is something… old.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Dimitri said again. He diminished so quickly, folding into himself and compacting with his arms wrapped around his chest.</p>
<p>“My father had cleared out an old storage unit that belonged to your stepmother, and I found this,” Felix said and he took the picture out from his bag and handed it to Dimitri. “He told me Cornelia was prescribing your stepmother antidepressants under the table. Here she is with Volkhard von Arundel, all three of them, together.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to talk about this,” Dimitri said sharply, setting the picture face down on the coffee table.</p>
<p>“I know you don’t, I <em>know</em>,” Felix said miserably. “But I have to ask, Dimitri, I have to know… why did you try to kill Edelgard? What did you know about Agartha Tech?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to talk about this,” Dimitri repeated. “I wasn’t in my right mind back then.”</p>
<p>“You weren’t,” Felix agreed, “but you still might have found something true. What if you weren’t just crazy? What if there was something important, something that was missed in the investigation? What if Agartha Tech did do something illegal, conspired, or… I don’t know… gave information?”</p>
<p>“Felix, stop it, stop it,” Dimitri said. He stood up and took a few steps back.</p>
<p>“Dimitri, I have to tell you this,” Felix said as firmly as he could, standing up and facing Dimitri. “Claude von Reigan contacted me earlier this year. He’s writing a story on Agartha Tech. That means he has some sort of evidence. He wanted to speak to you about it, but I never gave you the card. Claude said he believed you’d found something.”</p>
<p>“Felix!” Dimitri’s voice rose loud enough that Felix was actually shocked into silence. He was standing hunched in the middle of the room with his arms wrapped around each other. “Stop! I told you to stop! Stop it!”</p>
<p>The room was quiet for a moment. Felix squeezed his eyes shut and caught his breath.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I’ll stop.”</p>
<p>Dimitri was breathing heavily.</p>
<p>“You can’t say that,” he finally panted. “You can’t ever say that.”</p>
<p>“Say what?”</p>
<p>“That I was right,” Dimitri said. “I was hallucinating, Felix. I was paranoid and I almost hurt someone, permanently. It took me years to accept that. None of it was real, I made it up in my head, it wasn’t real.”</p>
<p>“But—” Felix started to say and then stopped with a growl of frustration. “We don’t have to talk about this now. But if you think about it, if you ever want to say something—”</p>
<p>“I don’t,” Dimitri interrupted. “And I won’t. Ever.”</p>
<p>“Dimitri,” Felix sighed, anger surging, making him say things he shouldn’t say. “You just… you just gave up on yourself! You think you can’t do anything good, but you can! You can and you will someday, alright?”</p>
<p>“You think I ‘gave up’?” Dimitri asked, and there was that edge. He was angry too, the dark and overwhelming kind of anger that he was prone to. “I almost killed someone the last time I let myself fall apart. I almost <em>killed </em>someone. If keeping that from ever, ever happening again is giving up, then <em>fine</em>. I’ll give up.”</p>
<p>“You aren’t going to do that again,” Felix said passionately. “I know you, you won’t. But you’re selling yourself short if you think that you can’t do something good and important either. You’re the smartest damn man I’ve ever met! And you have people to help you, people who won’t let you down this time. Dimitri, I won’t let you down this time. I’m here! I’ll help!”</p>
<p>Dimitri’s face crumpled. He rubbed the eye beneath the eyepatch and gritted his teeth.</p>
<p>“You… always hold me to a higher standard… Felix,” he said jerkily. “But I can’t do it this time. I can’t. I can’t be the person you… I… I… would you be quiet?”</p>
<p>He turned around sharply, glaring at the empty door of the bedroom. Then he looked up, face pale and mortified.</p>
<p>“There’s no one else here,” Felix said, forcing his voice to be calm, although he noted it shake slightly at the end. “You know that.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Dimitri said and then he stumbled back to the couch and sat down. He pressed his head between his knees and breathed slowly for a few silent minutes.</p>
<p>Felix waited. His hands were shaking. He felt like a live wire of adrenaline. Deep down, he suspected that he hadn’t handled that very well, but he needed space before he could even think about it.</p>
<p>After a few minutes of quiet, Dimitri’s breathing seemed to have returned to normal. His hands unclenched slightly from his hair.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to leave or stay?” Felix asked, voice low and soft so he wouldn’t be startled.</p>
<p>“Stay,” Dimitri said after a short pause. “Stay.”</p>
<p>Felix reached out and gently put his hand on Dimitri’s back. His muscles clenched slightly at the touch, but then relaxed.</p>
<p>They sat there like that for another few moments of quiet.</p>
<p>“Do you still want to order dinner?” Felix asked after a while. “You should eat something.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Dimitri said quietly.</p>
<p>Felix got out his phone, ordered takeout. While they waited, he rubbed a few small circles on Dimitri’s back. Eventually Dimitri sat up again. His face looked neutral.</p>
<p>They watched a movie when the food came. Dimitri was very quiet. Felix could barely swallow his food. He felt sick.</p>
<p>He’d been happy, Felix thought. He’d been excited to see him. He’d probably been looking forward to that night, to having a chance to be healthy and normal for a while.</p>
<p>And Felix had taken that and immediately destroyed it.</p>
<p>He knew it embarrassed Dimitri to be like this. But Felix wondered for the first time if Dimitri resented him a little as well.</p>
<p>When they finished the movie, the silence became awkward.</p>
<p>“I think I’d like to be by myself now,” Dimitri finally said.</p>
<p>“Alright,” Felix said, feeling like he’d been punched in the gut. “Will you check in tomorrow?”</p>
<p>Dimitri nodded.</p>
<p>“I’m not going to bring any of this up again, unless you ask,” Felix said as he stood and started packing his stuff up. He put the photo back into his bag. “I’m sorry I pushed you too hard.”</p>
<p>“It will be okay,” Dimitri said quietly. “I love you, Felix.”</p>
<p>“I love you too,” Felix said and then he turned to leave. “Sleep well.”</p>
<p>His eyes felt hot and something was sticking in his throat. He walked quickly back out into the cold and let the bitter city winds drive away the urge to cry.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>just wanted to give a heads up that things get a little darker in the next few chapters for obvious reasons. I will put some content warnings at the beginnings of a few chapters to give you a heads up if you need to step back from reading about really bad mental health.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: discussions of suicide</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Felix got up the next morning, he had a message from Dimitri and a message from Dedue. The message from Dimitri was short, a confirmation that he was alright and that he would be ready to talk again in a few days.</p>
<p>The voice memo from Dedue was vague and menacing.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Felix. I spoke briefly with Dimitri last night. Are you available to meet today? I’d prefer not to discuss this over the phone.” </em>
  
</p>
<p>They met for coffee after Felix finished his classes at work. His students had performed well that day. He was watching their progress. It lifted his low spirits ever so slightly.</p>
<p>Dedue had chosen a neutrally decorated coffeeshop downtown near where he worked. They sat by the window while Dedue pointedly turned his phone off. Felix obliged him and did the same since Dedue could be a bit weird about that.</p>
<p>“Dimitri says you asked him about evidence concerning the Duscur incident,” Dedue said, getting right to the point. “He mentioned that you’d found something that connected Agartha Tech to his family.”</p>
<p>“I did,” Felix said.</p>
<p>In the light of day, it sounded stupider. Like he was playing spy thriller. It couldn’t possibly be real if they were discussing here in this bland little coffeeshop.</p>
<p>“He was concerned that you wanted him to speak to a journalist named Claude von Reigan,” Dedue continued.</p>
<p>“I didn’t say I <em>wanted</em> that,” Felix scowled. “I just told him Claude had asked to speak to him. It’s his choice.”</p>
<p>“Felix, I hope you can see why this was a terrible idea,” Dedue said. “You are bringing up bad memories and you are encouraging delusions he has worked very hard to break free from.”</p>
<p>“You both keep saying that,” Felix said, his hand tightening on the table in front of them. “You and Dimitri, you both believe that he was just totally deluded. But I don’t anymore. I think he was right, at least partially. I don’t understand why you have so little faith in him. He’s your family, right?”</p>
<p>Dedue’s eyes narrowed slightly.</p>
<p>“Do you honestly believe that I attribute full responsibility for the incident to the people of Duscur?” Dedue asked. His voice was the same solemn tone he always spoke in, but there was an edge to it Felix had never heard before.</p>
<p>“I—no, of course not,” Felix frowned. “But what I don’t understand is why you think it’s so crazy to imagine that a company with direct ties to Dimitri’s stepmother who clearly profited from the war with Duscur might not have been involved?”</p>
<p>“It does not matter to me,” Dedue said bluntly.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“It does not matter to me if that is the truth,” Dedue said. “Because if you push Dimitri down this path again, you will lose him. And I will not allow that.”</p>
<p>“That is not your decision to make,” Felix said.</p>
<p>How had he started fighting with Dedue? Why had Dedue just started a fight?</p>
<p>“It might not be my decision, but I will overstep if I must,” Dedue said, stubbornly refusing to give any ground to Felix. “If your relationship starts to compromise his stability, I will intervene.”</p>
<p>“I’d like to see you fucking try,” Felix snarled.</p>
<p>Stop it, he told himself. Something isn’t right here.</p>
<p>“Shit,” Felix said after collecting his thoughts. “I don’t want to fight with you about this. I want you to help me. If you want Dimitri out of it, that’s fine. Just get me his old hard drives if you can and I’ll do the legwork.”</p>
<p>“No,” Dedue said firmly.</p>
<p>Felix gaped at him. He stared down at the barely touched coffee in front of him and concentrated on the low buzz of canned music and conversation that insulated this bizarrely calm little breakdown in their friendship.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you trust me to do this?” Felix finally asked, trying to identify the problem as Dedue clammed up and seemed determined to wait him out.</p>
<p>“No offense intended, but I don’t trust anyone in this matter,” Dedue said. “I made a promise to myself five years ago. I swore I would not lose Dimitri to another ill-fated quest for revenge. And I intend to keep that promise.”</p>
<p>“I know this is going to be painful, believe me, I know,” Felix said. “But I lost a brother. And while I refuse to wallow in grief over that, I’m also not going to ignore the people responsible. Sometimes knowing the truth matters more than feeling comfortable.”</p>
<p>“You misunderstand,” Dedue said flatly. “I am fine where matters of discomfort are concerned, but I will not allow anything that could end Dimitri’s life.”</p>
<p>“What?” Felix nearly choked. “If you expect Adrestian assassins to come crawling out of the woodwork, you’re more paranoid than the man who actually has psychotic episodes."</p>
<p>“That is not what I expect,” Dedue said. “I am trying to prevent Dimitri from killing himself.”</p>
<p>Felix couldn’t speak for a moment. The sounds of the coffeeshop seemed to suddenly mute as he stared at Dedue, serious as ever.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Felix finally managed to say. “He wouldn’t… he wouldn’t do something like that.”</p>
<p>“He has tried three times,” Dedue said, his voice blank and clinical. “Twice while in residential care. Once two and a half years ago. I interfered in that case luckily.”</p>
<p>“But…” Felix couldn’t find any more words to say.</p>
<p>“I will not lose him. I will not lose anyone else in my life that way,” Dedue said. “If you want to pick at old wounds, do so away from him. He has suffered enough.”</p>
<p>“Why did he…?” Felix couldn’t finish the question.</p>
<p>“He wouldn’t say. Two years ago, he was in a particularly bad depressive episode. There were some side effects to one of his medications and he had to stop taking it and go through withdrawal. He said he was so tired. He took half a bottle of sleeping pills and claimed he just wanted a night to rest,” Dedue said.</p>
<p>While he was normally taciturn, the words were spilling out of him faster and faster.</p>
<p>“He was on suicide watch the first few months of residential care after his expulsion. I have done everything I can to keep him from going back to that state. He was improving with medication and therapy, but I could tell it wasn’t enough. No matter what, he was going to fade again. He would fight, but one day he would be so worn down, he would lose the war,” Dedue continued. As he spoke, Felix noted a few tears collecting at the corners of his eyes and slipping down onto his cheeks, although his voice never broke or wavered.</p>
<p>“I thought that more support could help him. He needed more than I could give him. I am not enough, alone; I am too quiet and too serious and too dispassionate sometimes. I thought that maybe if the rest of you were there to help me, then he would last a little longer. So I gave him the address to your gym, even though I knew it was wrong to meddle in your affairs. But I would do anything to keep him well, to keep him alive and with us, to buy any scrap of extra time.”</p>
<p>Dedue finished speaking and slowly wiped his eyes with a napkin. Felix just kept staring at him. It felt like his ears were ringing. Each breath he took made his lungs burn.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell me?” Felix said when he finally gained control over his mouth again.</p>
<p>“At first, I thought it was not my place to reveal something so personal,” Dedue said, his eyes dry now. “Then, I was foolishly hopeful. I believed he might not ever fall so far into his sadness again.”</p>
<p>“I don’t…” Felix trailed off. “Fuck. I don’t know what to do.”</p>
<p>He clenched his fists in his lap.</p>
<p>“Felix,” Dedue said and his voice was softer, less formal. “Do what you have been doing. Just let what is past go. Perhaps there is some justice to be found for those who have died. But it is not our responsibility to find it. I hope that perhaps Claude von Reigan can publish his article, but he does not need Dimitri to destroy himself in the process.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know if I can do this,” Felix said through gritted teeth. “I’m not… nice. I’m not helpful. I’m difficult.”</p>
<p>He wished suddenly that Dedue had never done this to him. That he and Dimitri had passed each other on the street. It made a dull ache well up inside of him.</p>
<p>Because he was selfish and he wanted Dimitri, he wanted him so badly, but what if he was bad for him? Dimitri believed he was some sort of saint half of the time, praising him for his smallest gestures of decency.</p>
<p>But what if he was hurting him? It wasn’t a question. He was. He had. </p>
<p>“No one would accuse you of being nice, but deep down, you are compassionate,” Dedue interrupted his thoughts. “If Dimitri’s problem is caring too much, I would put you as his close second. I have frightened you, I can tell, and I am sorry for that. I was hoping to show you how serious I was.”</p>
<p>“I’m not—” Felix began and then silenced himself. Fucking pointless to lie to Dedue right now.</p>
<p>“I have put too much pressure on you,” Dedue sighed, running a hand down his face.</p>
<p>Felix shook his head, made an inarticulate sound in the back of his throat, and stood up.</p>
<p>“I have to go,” he said, and he left as quickly as his legs could carry him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So how did the visit to your father go?”</p>
<p>The voice of the therapist crackled from the laptop speakers in the dark room. Felix sat on the floor with his back to the couch, wrapped into a compact ball of limbs.</p>
<p>“Irrelevant,” Felix said quickly. “There are more pressing issues to address.”</p>
<p>“Alright,” the therapist agreed. “What is it that you would like to talk about today?”</p>
<p>There was so much. Too much. Felix needed a way to fix everything, but it seemed like a one-hour appointment might not be able to cover it all. He wasn’t sure he could just dive into the potential exposure of a conspiracy that had led to one of the most prominent political assassinations in recent history. Not without warming up to it, at least.</p>
<p>“My boyfriend,” Felix finally began. The word still sounded strange on his tongue. He was unused to it. “I found out that he has been suicidal previously.”</p>
<p>“I can see why that is very upsetting to learn.”</p>
<p>“How do I keep him alive?” Felix asked bluntly. There was a moment of silence from the speakers, the faint sound of paper shifting.</p>
<p>“Felix, that is not something you have much control over,” the voice finally said. “I know that isn’t the answer you want. You can encourage him to continue to get counseling. You can remind him to take his medications. You can provide comfort and a sympathetic ear. But you can never have total control over another person’s choices.”</p>
<p>“Oh, fuck you,” Felix said sharply. “That is bullshit.”</p>
<p>“It sounds like you are worried about losing him. Given your background with traumatic loss, you might find yourself responding in an extremely defensive way to this situation. But I want you to remember that you also deserve care.”</p>
<p>“This is pointless,” Felix laughed derisively. “I need a solution, not just ‘go meditate’ or ‘do some breathing exercises.’ That’s all you ever tell me to do, just <em>fucking</em> breathing exercises!”</p>
<p>“Felix, I can hear that you are very frustrated right now. I understand why you feel that way. You are a loving person who wants to protect those close to you. Maybe you can tell me about some of your boyfriend’s recent behavior?”</p>
<p>“He… I…” Felix felt his throat close up. He cleared it. “I upset him. I was trying to do the right thing. I didn’t know… I didn’t realize.”</p>
<p>“Mistakes happen. Sometimes we act on incomplete information. But you have control over your behavior. If you believe you did something wrong, you can stop doing it. Guilt can be destructive when we try to add the weight of other people’s choices onto our own.”</p>
<p>“If you had a choice between facing your past, doing something that hurts you to get resolution, and just… ignoring it,” Felix posed a hypothetical. “Which would you do? Which one would be… like, mentally healthy or whatever?”</p>
<p>“I’m not sure either option in inherently more healthy. For some people, in some contexts, they may prefer to confront trauma directly. For others, healing happens when they allow themselves distance from a traumatic event.”</p>
<p>“Why won’t you help me?” Felix shouted. He was close to just shutting the laptop and storming off to go fight his way through the adrenaline with sweat at the gym. “Why won’t you just answer my questions and just help me?”</p>
<p>There was another long quiet pause. Then the disembodied voice spoke very calmly.</p>
<p>“Felix, I’d like you to try sitting quietly for a moment. Think about what you can hear and see around you. Try to feel each part of your body.”</p>
<p>Felix thought very hard about picking his laptop up and slamming it onto the floor. But he couldn’t do that.</p>
<p>So he sat quietly for a minute. Gradually, his fingers stopped digging into his legs. The tendons in his wrist ached. He could hear a loud engine roaring up the street outside. The pipes from the apartment above him were running.</p>
<p>Eventually, he felt calm enough to speak again, and his face grew warm with shame.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“It’s alright. I know this is an extremely emotional topic. No one ever wants to think about losing a loved one to suicide and you have a particular history with sudden and violent loss that makes you even more sensitive to this issue. Please be kinder to yourself, Felix. Please remember that you are not responsible for keeping your boyfriend alive. All you can do is be the same loving and supportive person you have been for him before.”</p>
<p>“But I haven’t been,” Felix choked out. “I haven’t been supportive. I’ve just done whatever I wanted, like I always do. I’m not loving, I’m angry and difficult and unforgiving. I hold people to impossible standards.”</p>
<p>“Why do you see yourself as this cold and cruel person?”</p>
<p>Felix looked at the black laptop screen.</p>
<p>If he turned the camera on now, he imagined that the therapist would finally understand. Finally see him and know that the real problem was that without his anger, there wasn’t anything left. That the only thing he knew how to do was fight.</p>
<p>He shut the laptop and left the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The weekend arrived and Felix was in agony. Dimitri sent him a short message every day, reassuring him that he was alright and they were alright. Felix finally couldn’t take it anymore and invited him over to his apartment, hoping that it might be easier for him to leave that way if he wanted out. He said yes.</p>
<p>But that morning was breakfast with Ingrid and Felix had forgotten to cancel although he was in no condition to have a pleasant breakfast with Ingrid.</p>
<p>When he showed up to the café, a little place for bagels and lattes, Felix saw to his horror that Sylvain had decided to join them. While his invitation was a standing thing, Felix wasn’t sure he’d seen Sylvain awake before noon on a weekend since early high school.</p>
<p>Felix waved stiffly and ordered plain coffee and a lox bagel at the bar. He sat down with a lump of cold dread at the base of his chest.</p>
<p>“You’re up early,” he said to Sylvain by way of greeting.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I actually stayed in last night,” Sylvain admitted. “Ingrid came over and we got super stoned and played video games.”</p>
<p>“You got super stoned,” Ingrid corrected him, but she looked happy despite herself. “I ate what I thought was a delicious brownie and was tricked.”</p>
<p>“Well, if you hadn’t started shoving them in your face, I would have warned you—”</p>
<p>“I did not shove them in my face!” Ingrid’s fist collided with Sylvain’s arm very hard.</p>
<p>“How ‘bout you, Fe?” Sylvain asked, tenderly rubbing his elbow. “Let me guess, you and Dimitri stared into each other’s eyes for five hours and he wrote you a poem about the stars and then you climbed him like tree and…”</p>
<p>Sylvain trailed off. Felix tried very hard to swallow the coffee in his mouth without spitting it out.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Ingrid asked. Felix finally managed to swallow.</p>
<p>“Fine,” he said hoarsely.</p>
<p>“Hey, is everything alright with you and Dimitri?” Sylvain asked, suddenly looking concerned and slightly ashamed. “You’ve both been pretty quiet this week.”</p>
<p>Felix said nothing. He drank more of the coffee like maybe they would just stop asking questions and forget he was there.</p>
<p>Ingrid reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Is there anything we can do?” she asked quietly. “Your life is private, I know, but if we could help at all, you know we would.”</p>
<p>Felix felt his defenses rising. His first instinct was to snap at Ingrid, say something that cut deep so she’d just leave him alone.</p>
<p>But if he kept trying to get people to leave him alone, that’s exactly what they would do.</p>
<p>And then it would just be him, alone.</p>
<p>Felix just shook his head instead.</p>
<p>“Do either of you remember Claude von Reigan?” Felix asked, choosing his words very carefully. “He became a reporter, right? Would you trust him?”</p>
<p>Both Sylvain and Ingrid looked mystified.</p>
<p>“Uh, well, this is absolutely not where I thought this conversation was going,” Sylvain shrugged. “But… uh, yeah? I guess? He was always a bit secretive, but I never got a bad vibe. Probably just didn’t want people pestering him about being Almyran royalty.” </p>
<p>“Claude is very smart,” Ingrid offered. “I had a few classes with him. I can’t speak to his character or integrity, but he doesn’t make mistakes. He plans ahead and if your interests coincide with his, then you’ll probably benefit.”</p>
<p>“He’s writing something about Agartha Tech,” Felix finally confessed. “And the Duscur incident.”</p>
<p>Sylvain dropped his bagel, cream cheese side down. Ingrid slopped a few drops of latte into her saucer.</p>
<p>“Is Dimitri going to… you know, get obsessed again?” Sylvain asked.</p>
<p>“I think he wants to just forget about it,” Felix said, looking down at the table. “He’d rather not be involved.”</p>
<p>“But...” Ingrid said, figuring out the source of the trouble as usual. “Claude has asked him to be involved.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what to do,” Felix confessed. It was so hard to admit that to his friends. But if anyone in the world would understand, it was Sylvain and Ingrid. Both of them had known Dimitri since childhood. Both of them had felt the upheaval of the Duscur incident in their own lives as well.</p>
<p>“I guess what I think is… is that he needs to take care of himself first,” Ingrid said after a few moments of silence. “But I can’t pretend that I wouldn’t want to help if it were me.”</p>
<p>“Because of Glenn?” Felix asked.</p>
<p>Ingrid frowned.</p>
<p>“Because of all the people who died,” she said eventually. “Because it would be the right thing to do. Because I would want to feel like I was helping make the world better. I can barely make a dent in problems within this city. If I could do something important like that… of course I would."</p>
<p>“Fair point,” Sylvain added. “But, uh, well, feel free to discard this advice, but… I’m not sure anything is ever so cut and dry. I’m a rich asshole, so what do I know, but I think the people who really make the world better usually do it in tiny ways and never get thanked for it.”</p>
<p>Felix sat there for a minute, absorbing. He felt an unexpected warmth in his chest. He didn’t have any clear answers still, but he had something else. Solidarity? Reassurance that the situation was just fucked up and that’s how the world worked?</p>
<p>“When did you two get all wise?” he finally asked. “Or are you just still stoned?”</p>
<p>The tension broke a bit. Felix finally managed to eat something without feeling like his throat was closing around it.</p>
<p>“Keep us updated,” Ingrid said seriously as they were preparing to depart. “Seriously. I don’t want either of you to be in this alone.”</p>
<p>Felix twitched his lip in a gesture towards a smile. Sylvain clapped him on the arm.</p>
<p>“And I’m assuming you’d rather we didn’t bring this up with Dimitri,” he said and Felix nodded rapidly. “So I’m just gonna send him weird memes until he cheers up. Oh, maybe he needs new art! I just bought an old furby online I’m gonna skin and reprogram, do you think he’d like that?”</p>
<p>“Sylvain!” Ingrid swatted him. “Give him something nice, not your horrible furby art. The poor man has been through enough trauma without you putting some skinless demon robot in his house!”</p>
<p>Felix couldn’t help but laugh then. He had been wound up so tightly since the winter holiday, it was like his body had forgotten how to breathe. But he was breathing now, again.</p>
<p>More fucking breathing exercises, he thought with grim humor, of course.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Dimitri knocked on his door that night, Felix jumped up so suddenly that he knocked his chair clattering back to the floor. He answered the door knowing he had already worked himself up into a state.</p>
<p>Dimitri was standing outside of his apartment looking surprisingly alright. No dark shadows under his eye, no head ducking and shrinking away from his gaze. He stepped in and took off his coat. Felix took a seat, his hands twisting where he rested them on the edge of the table.</p>
<p>Felix let his eyes search over Dimitri for a moment longer. He wore a lose grey shirt tucked into black pants with a belt so they wouldn’t slide off of his too thin waist. His hair was a little messy, but he smelled clean, like his minty shampoo. His nose was faintly pink from the cold.</p>
<p>Felix stared at him and his mind swirled with Dedue’s words. He had tried to kill himself three times. He might try again. He couldn’t concentrate on anything for a minute outside of desperately looking at Dimitri’s blue eye and wondering if this was the last time he’d see him.  </p>
<p>“So…” Dimitri finally broke the silence. He seemed to notice Felix’s hungry staring and looked a little confused. “Uh, I suppose we should talk.”</p>
<p>“We don’t have to,” Felix said quickly. “I said I wouldn’t bring that up again, seriously. We can pretend it never happened and forget it.”</p>
<p>“No, I’m not sure I can,” Dimitri said slowly. “I’ve taken a week to ask several trained medical professionals and to ask myself that question.”</p>
<p>Felix clenched his hands tighter.</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t have said anything,” he managed to growl.</p>
<p>Dimitri quirked his head to the side and then reached across the table and took Felix’s hands. He forced them gently apart, threaded their fingers together.</p>
<p>“You know I’m not angry with you, right?” he asked. Felix turned his head away, unable to meet his eyes. He took a deep breath, released it slowly through is nose. “Felix, I’m not. I’m not upset with you.”</p>
<p>Felix felt a shiver run through his body. He shouldn’t be the one getting comforted right now. He was the one who had messed things up this time.</p>
<p>“So what do we do now?” he forced himself to ask. “If you can’t just forget this?”</p>
<p>“Do you actually believe… do you still think I could have been right?” Dimitri asked quietly.</p>
<p>Felix had no idea how to respond.</p>
<p>“Yes,” he admitted. “But it’s not my place to tell you want to believe or to think.”</p>
<p>“You thought I was crazy, though, before?” Dimitri asked. “I mean, I still am, obviously. But in college you thought it was all paranoia?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Felix agreed.</p>
<p>“Honestly, the fact that something changed even your stubborn mind is what fills me with doubt,” Dimitri said with a slight smile. “I just… I can’t be wrong again. I refuse to mess this up twice. But I can’t pretend there isn’t something tempting about it.”</p>
<p>“Tempting?”</p>
<p>“I suppose I haven’t quite shaken them,” Dimitri said. “The dead. I might not be beholden to their voices and their commands, but I do want to do something… right.”</p>
<p>“Dimitri, don’t do this if it will hurt you,” Felix suddenly pleaded. “Please. You know I think you’re just like… infuriatingly smart and thoughtful and good. But you don’t have to do this to prove that. You could… I don’t know, write a novel. Start your own obnoxious political podcast. Design a fucking RPG or something.”</p>
<p>Dimitri actually laughed at that.</p>
<p>“You know who you sound like?” he said with amusement. “The professor.”</p>
<p>“What?” Felix made a grimace of confusion.</p>
<p>“They always say stuff like that. You both come off as so jaded, and then you start talking about my potential and it throws me every time,” he said. “If I asked them about this, do you think they’d want to meet?”</p>
<p>Felix felt relief welling up inside of him. Professor Byleth was flighty and strange and utterly fringe radical. They were also a rock-solid foundation of unshakable stability. That was the paradoxical truth of the matter.</p>
<p>“Of course they’d meet,” Felix said. “Just buy them lunch and they’ll meet with anyone.”</p>
<p>“I’ll ask the professor then,” Dimitri nodded, looking as relieved as Felix felt. “And thank you, Felix.”</p>
<p>“Don’t thank me, seriously,” Felix said. “Don’t.”</p>
<p>“Fine then,” Dimitri said with a resigned shake of his head. “Can I stay here tonight and eat your food for free? Without any thanks?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Felix said, the jittery knot of fear inside of him beginning to unravel. “Stay as long as you like and eat everything in the fridge. You still won’t need to thank me.” </p>
<p>Dimitri still hadn’t let go of his hands. Felix held on tightly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry for this part being very sad and Felix having some not good thoughts and behaviors</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Professor Byleth arrived wearing a bizarre asymmetrical coat, half black and half white with a gold trimmed collar, and a pair of red glasses pushed up into the mess of green hair on their forehead. Felix could never be sure if the professor was incredibly high fashion or exactly the opposite.</p>
<p>They couldn’t meet on campus given Dimitri’s restraining order, so the professor had made the trek north to the halal cart in a small park outside of a church. It was far too cold to eat comfortably outside, but Dimitri already struggled with being in the public eye, so Felix just shrugged on a sweater and his leather jacket and resolved to make the best of it. </p>
<p>“Honestly, I expected this a lot sooner,” Byleth said as they sat down on a park bench and began liberally spreading sauce over their kabob. “Five straight years of emails and you haven’t even bought me a coffee.”</p>
<p>“Sorry professor,” Dimitri said, “I’m actually a little afraid of coffeeshops.”</p>
<p>“Fair point,” Byleth said, “that little milk steamer always gets me. Why does it have to scream like that?”</p>
<p>Felix sat beside Dimitri feeling like he was trapped in some sort of bizarre dream.</p>
<p>He’d expected… well, who even knew what he’d expected. Certainly not Dimitri and the professor sitting down to chat like old friends as soon as they’d spotted each other.</p>
<p>“Well, even though it’s late, I hope this food can pay for a little more of your teaching,” Dimitri said. “I believe I’ve already explained some of the situation in my last email.”</p>
<p>“Yes, your email made quite an articulate case for both sides. You’re trying to decide if you want to talk to a reporter,” the professor noted. “Or if you’d rather keep your life private."</p>
<p>“Yes, partially,” Dimitri agreed. “But my life is already very much public. I’m also trying to decide if I would have anything of value to say. I don’t trust myself to know what is real sometimes.”</p>
<p>Professor Byleth nodded. They were so nonchalant; it was hard to remember the stakes of the situation.</p>
<p>“What do you think, Felix?” the professor said, turning to look at Felix, who had been content to simply fade into the background and glare at anyone getting too near to their bench. But the professor’s tone initiated some sort of Pavlovian anxiety response to be cold-called in class.</p>
<p>“I’m just here,” Felix said sharply. “I’m not making this choice.”</p>
<p>“Sure, sure,” the professor said. “I mean, do you trust Dimitri’s judgement right now? You probably know better than me. You’re dating him, after all. Didn’t see that one coming, by the way.”</p>
<p>“Of course I trust his judgement,” Felix snapped.</p>
<p>“Well, there you have it then,” the professor shrugged. “Outside confirmation. You might have hallucinations, but you are aware of exactly what they are. Plus, when you talk to the media, they’re supposed to fact check you.”</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Dimitri said thoughtfully, rubbing the side of his temple. “I suppose you’re right. I’m just… I’m worried about the impact. How do I know if what I believe in is true? Or good? Or will make any difference at all?”</p>
<p>“Oh shit, phenomenology,” Byleth sighed. “Well, I can give you a reading list for this one, at least. The short answer is: nothing is objectively real, you have the ability to freely choose your actions, and things are only meaningful because we decide they are.”</p>
<p>Felix must have made an expression because Byleth gave him an amused raise of an eyebrow and then stuffed more kabob into their mouth.</p>
<p>“I know, I know, philosophy is a terrible mental game we play to confuse ourselves,” the professor waved a hand, flinging a few pieces of rice from their fork in the process. “And we haven’t even touched the question of ethics yet. But I believe John Donne would like your train of thought.”</p>
<p>“He would like me to act on dubious and unreliable information?” Dimitri asked.</p>
<p>“<em>Doubt wisely; in strange way to stand inquiring right, is not to stray; to sleep, or run wrong, is</em>,” Byleth quoted. “The more questions you ask, the more likely you are to get at the truth. And it is hard, after all: ‘<em>on a huge hill, cragged and steep, Truth stands</em>.’”</p>
<p>“Perhaps I ought to wait, then,” Dimitri sighed. “And climb a bit higher. I just can’t… let this destroy me again.”</p>
<p>“Look, Dimitri, you know I won’t tell you what to do here. You are an adult and you know yourself and you know your limits,” Byleth finally set down their fork and leaned forward. “But obviously I do believe some choices are better than others. Socialism, queer liberation, worker solidarity, racial justice. I believe in that. I have no reason to delay taking action just because I haven’t totally solved the whole question of human existence. So the only good advice I have to figure out what you believe in. And act on it.”</p>
<p>Dimitri sat quietly for a moment, looking down at his hands. Felix scowled at a woman walking her dog and she skirted around them.</p>
<p>“I wish someone with a better brain could do this,” Dimitri finally muttered.</p>
<p>“Hey, cut that out. I like your brain. One of the best I’ve ever taught,” the professor said, and then picked up the kabob again. Dimitri smiled and his cheeks colored slightly at the praise.   </p>
<p>“Thank you, then, for the lesson,” he said. “I don’t want to keep you too long. I suspect we’re all getting cold.”</p>
<p>“I’ll send you an email,” the professor said, wiping their fingers on a napkin. “Oh, and Felix, you need any instruction?”</p>
<p>Felix stared at the professor. He did in a million ways they did not have the time or qualification to cover.</p>
<p>“I’m alright,” he said. The professor grinned.</p>
<p>“Just how I remember you,” they chuckled. “Here’s some free advice though: Cabins. Lakes. My dad used to take me fishing for the weekend all the time when I was a kid.”</p>
<p>“What?” Felix asked.</p>
<p>“Just something to consider.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took about a month before Dimitri finally called Claude von Reigan. Felix worked tirelessly, spending many grueling nights poring over tax records and old newspaper articles. He did not complain, though. Felix might not have exceled in every academic subject, but he had never had an issue with his work ethic.</p>
<p>He painstakingly reviewed every piece of information that had ever been collected on Agartha Tech and the Duscur incident. Dimitri had given him all of his old hard drives and files and even a slightly alarming handwritten notebook that he’d been keeping during his mental decline senior year.</p>
<p>Felix checked them, discarded a few pages that were so inarticulate and probably sleep deprived as to be mildly disturbing, and then moved on to the next thing.</p>
<p>And some of it was obviously the byproduct of delusion. Dimitri had apparently been convinced for a while that he was being watched by Adrestian spies and his food was drugged. Felix disregarded that and moved on. But a lot of it was definitely not simply delusion. A lot of it was undeniable factual evidence of wrongdoing. </p>
<p>The gist of the matter was that Dimitri had been reviewing Volkhard von Arundel’s donations to the Western Church of Seiros. The once steady amounts had grown increasingly irregular in the months surrounding the Duscur incident. While that in and of itself was not suspicious, when compared with the publicly reported assets of a local firm known as Kleiman Market Consulting, there was a clear pattern between their revenue and the church donations. After requesting as many records as he could get his hand on, Dimitri had enough to prove that Kleiman was a shell of Agartha Tech.</p>
<p>Which, again, was not a crime. There was nothing but circumstantial evidence. Yet, there was something undeniably suspicious about the way that Kleiman Market Consulting had begun heavily investing in weapons before anyone expected a war with Duscur. And there was something undeniably infuriating about the fact that their financial records listed several sudden massive donations to the campaign of the dark horse candidate no one dreamed of besting Lambert Blaiddyd in his reelection campaign.</p>
<p>Felix worked at the gym nearly every day. Then he worked steadily through the paperwork every night.</p>
<p>Once a week, he managed to find enough of a reserve of energy to see his friends. He saw Dimitri almost every night, but often they were both so exhausted that they ended up just finding some leftovers to eat and then falling asleep together on the couch.</p>
<p>Dedue was very clearly unhappy with him. He wouldn’t say so directly, but the disapproval was etched into his expression whenever they met. Felix was too tired to pick another fight.</p>
<p>He accidentally missed two phone calls to his father in a row and got a concerned text message asking if everything was alright. Felix stared at it for nearly an hour, too drained to think of a reply.</p>
<p>But after a month of work, he had done it. He had gone down that same dark tunnel that had taken Dimitri from him five years ago, and he had emerged again.</p>
<p>“Obviously it’s impressive,” he told Dimitri one night as they were beginning to slump closer together on the couch. “You did research equivalent to a dissertation in the span of a month.”</p>
<p>“Most people didn’t see me that month,” Dimitri shrugged, pulling him closer and letting Felix lean his head against his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Well you were right,” Felix said. “Everything points to Arundel funneling money through the Western Church. And Kleiman Market Consulting is obviously their shell corporation. If you’d known about Cornelia’s connection, you probably might have had enough for a case.” </p>
<p>“I still don’t have enough for a conviction,” Dimitri said with a grimace. He leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling. Then he looked back at Felix, expression that combination of concern and tenderness that always made his breath catch. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you checked everything. I know it was a tremendous effort. I know you’re tired.”</p>
<p>“I’m not—” Felix started to say, but then Dimitri folded him inwards into an embrace and his bones felt like they were melting. “Fine. I could use some rest.”</p>
<p>“I want you to feel appreciated right now,” Dimitri murmured into his ear. “Because you are incredible and I’m lucky to know you.”</p>
<p>“Enough of that,” Felix groaned, pushing him back slightly.</p>
<p>Dimitri complied, sliding away and then shifting down onto the floor. He ran his hands up the insides of Felix’s legs to the zipper of his jeans.</p>
<p>“Would you prefer this?” he asked and Felix suddenly felt much less tired. </p>
<p>The actual phone call took place in Dimitri’s apartment just as the winter appeared to finally be thawing.</p>
<p>Claude picked up the phone with his usual easy charm.</p>
<p>“Reigan,” he answered as Dimitri put him on speaker phone.</p>
<p>“Claude,” Dimitri began and then cleared his throat. “I don’t know if you remember me. This is Dimitri, from GMU.”</p>
<p>“Ah, I was wondering if you’d ever call,” Claude said. “After I gave Felix my card, I was pretty sure he was going to burn it and bury the ashes.”</p>
<p>“Well,” Dimitri said uncomfortably. “He didn’t.”</p>
<p>“So…” Claude said as the silence grew longer. “I’m assuming you didn’t just call to catch up?”</p>
<p>“No, I called about Agartha,” Dimitri confirmed. Then he rubbed his face a few times. “I’m just… I have reservations about this. I don’t know if I have anything useful for you. And I’m concerned that having my name be attached to this story in any way will be detrimental.”</p>
<p>“If you’d prefer to keep this anonymous, we can do that,” Claude said, his voice beginning to shift into something more serious than Felix had ever heard before. “This whole story actually started with an anonymous tip I’m still waiting to here back from. But if you want my opinion, I think an interview would help.”</p>
<p>“You think people knowing your source is certifiably delusional will help?” Dimitri asked helplessly.</p>
<p>“The information gets checked, Dimitri,” Claude said. “But the story… well, it helps if it’s personal. I’ve written plenty of articles that should turn people’s stomachs, but they barely bat an eye. Journalism means that you have to package up the facts in a story people connect with. And in this case… who better?”</p>
<p>Dimitri went quiet again. Felix laid a hand on his arm.</p>
<p>“You really think this could change anything?” Dimitri finally asked. His voice was small and vulnerable.</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t,” Claude replied. “I know this is hard for you. And I know you don't have a great history with media. But I think if enough people read this article, the Adrestian government might actually have to open a formal investigation into Agartha Tech. And formal investigation means subpoenas and arrests and action.”</p>
<p>“Alright then,” Dimitri said. He sighed and then shook his head. “Alright. I am trusting you, Claude.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, Dimirti,” Claude said and even through the phone, Felix heard a bit of warmth in his voice. “Thanks for reaching out.”  </p>
<p>When they did the actual interview, Felix was not present. At Dimitri’s request, of course, but it still drove him up the wall to wait.</p>
<p>He paced anxiously in his apartment, and then finally broke down and asked Sylvain and Ingrid if they wanted to get a drink with him so he didn’t pull all of his hair out.</p>
<p>In the end, it was almost anticlimactic. Dimitri had rehearsed what he would say like he was preparing for a class presentation, a move so classically Dimitri-esque that it had honestly amused Felix. He had the files he wanted to send already prepared and compressed in an email draft. He only spoke with Claude for a few hours and then it was over.</p>
<p>All they had to do was wait and see if Claude called back to warn them he was going to publish something with all the information they’d given him.</p>
<p>So they waited. And they waited.</p>
<p>A week later, Dimitri sat bolt upright in bed as they were trying to go to sleep. Felix was startled.</p>
<p>“Oh no,” Dimitri said, voice horrified. </p>
<p>“What?” Felix asked, fear flooding through him at once. He’d been bracing himself for something bad for days.   </p>
<p>“Your birthday,” Dimitri said miserably. “It’s tomorrow. I haven’t gotten anything or made any plans.”</p>
<p>Felix sighed as relief made him feel a bit weak and he flopped back onto the pillow.</p>
<p>“I don’t care,” Felix said. “Just ignore it.”</p>
<p>“You got me so many thoughtful gifts,” Dimitri said, starting to get out of bed, probably to go frantically order something with rushed shipping. Felix grabbed his arm and pulled him back.</p>
<p>“I don’t need any gifts,” Felix said firmly. “Seriously, you never have to get me any gifts.”</p>
<p>Dimitri sighed and rubbed his blind eye. He’d finally started sleeping without anything covering it when they were together. </p>
<p>“I just… you know how much I want to do better, right?” he said after a few moments. “I am trying so hard and then something always seems to trip me up and I flub something important that I really wanted to get right.”</p>
<p>“But I don’t need—”</p>
<p>“I know you don’t need it, Felix. You make everything so easy for me and you never <em>need</em> anything. But I wanted to give you something,” Dimitri said. He was clearly frustrated.</p>
<p>“Fine then,” Felix said firmly. “I work tomorrow morning. Throw me a damn surprise party and I’ll pretend you planned the whole thing weeks ago.”</p>
<p>“But I already told you I forgot to—” Dimitri began.</p>
<p>“A clever ruse,” Felix shook his head. “To throw me off.”</p>
<p>Dimitri looked at him for a few seconds. His hair fell over his blind eye, which was a bit red where he’d been rubbing it. Finally, a smile twitched onto his lips. With a helpless shrug, he lay back down and then pressed their foreheads together.</p>
<p>“How do you do that?” he laughed.</p>
<p>“Do what?” Felix asked uncertainly.</p>
<p>“Console me without pitying me,” he said. “Make your comfort feel like a challenge.”</p>
<p>Because challenging and fighting is the only thing I know how to do, Felix thought.</p>
<p>“Just how I am, I guess,” Felix said aloud instead.</p>
<p>Dimitri smiled although his eyes still looked sad.</p>
<p>“It helps a lot,” he admitted.</p>
<p>The next morning Felix did go into work. He hung around the gym for an hour after his shift was done and by then Dimitri had texted him to come back to his apartment by six. He went home for a few hours. His father had sent a card and Felix grimly texted the old man to confirm he’d gotten it and thank him.</p>
<p>A few days prior, he’d gotten a package from Annette and Mercedes which he opened to find a jacket. The back was covered in patches Annette had clearly picked out depicting their favorite bands and the stitching was the careful hand of Mercedes. </p>
<p>Felix felt oddly moved by the gift. In past years, they had always kept their gifts small: coffee mugs and books and boxes of candy. Perhaps it was the reunion, Felix thought as he shrugged the jacket on over his black turtleneck. Because this was clearly a gift that had required preparation and thought and care.</p>
<p>By evening, he headed back to Dimitri’s with a fresh change of clothes in his backpack. It was a hassle, Felix thought, to constantly cart around his things like this.</p>
<p>Then he realized the implications of the thought and entered a miniature spiral of panic. Not yet, he thought firmly. He would consider the idea of moving in with Dimitri next year at the earliest.</p>
<p>When he knocked on the door, there were sounds of a few feet shuffling into position. Then the locks shifted and Dimitri pulled the door open.</p>
<p>“Surprise!” Sylvain and Ingrid shouted at the top of their lungs, which did genuinely startle him, so in some sense the party lived up to its name. Dimitri immediately collapsed into laughter at his face.</p>
<p>The apartment had been decorated in a way that Sylvain had clearly had a hand in. There were helium balloons on the ceiling and Sylvain had photoshopped his scowling face onto a variety of other images ranging from classical art to contemporary memes.</p>
<p>Felix groaned and pretended to turn away, but Dimitri dragged him into the apartment.</p>
<p>“Damn it, Sylvain! Where did you even get this picture?” Felix growled in frustration as he was confronted with an image of himself glaring down from the body of a nude female centaur.</p>
<p>Sylvain was cackling helplessly while Ingrid shook her head and cast him a sympathetic smile.</p>
<p>“I’m afraid he captured this endearing image during one of our D&amp;D sessions,” Dimitri explained. “Unfortunately, video calls allow for involuntary screenshots.”</p>
<p>“Well…. Ugh,” Felix rubbed his temples. “I am surprised.”</p>
<p>The room smelled good and Felix spotted barbeque laid out on the coffee table. Ingrid was looking at it like she was starving to death so they ate first.</p>
<p>“I’m afraid Dedue wasn’t available, but he sent his best,” Dimitri said as they were having dinner. “He’s been working quite a lot lately.”</p>
<p>Working, Felix thought, or avoiding him.</p>
<p>“I did bring a small gift,” Ingrid said and pushed a paper bag with the logo of a used bookstore on it towards him. “Ashe consulted on some of these, so count this as his gift as well.”</p>
<p>Felix opened the bag to find a few used books. He felt relieved that Ingrid hadn’t gotten him anything expensive. A lot of the covers looked pretty pulpy, but he was learning not to mind that.</p>
<p>“Ah, thanks,” Felix said. “This is nice. I’ll let you know what I think.”</p>
<p>“And I of course got you what you really need,” Sylvain said, producing a bottle of scotch that Felix never wanted to know the price of.</p>
<p>“Ridiculous,” Felix said, unable to stop himself from smiling a bit. “You are required to help me drink that.”</p>
<p>“This is from me,” Dimitri said, looking self-conscious as he handed over a small box and an envelope. Felix opened the box to find some of the fancy pine needle tea he’d been fond of in college. How the hell had Dimitri even remembered that?</p>
<p>Felix opened the envelope to find a card. Folded inside the card was a printout of a webpage depicting a cabin for rental on the shore of a private lake.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Name a weekend you can take off. --All my love, Dimitri’</em>
</p>
<p>Felix stared at it for a moment. He knew Dimitri was anxiously waiting for him to react.</p>
<p>But he sat frozen because he couldn’t put a name to what he was feeling. He was feeling it so strongly, he thought he might explode. It was some unholy combination of love and pain and honor and discomfort and safety and tenderness.</p>
<p>Finally he cleared his throat and spoke.</p>
<p>“Three weeks from now,” he said. “I could use my vacation days.”</p>
<p>“Only if you want to,” Dimitri said hurriedly. “I know the professor was probably joking about fishing, but I thought it might be fun.”</p>
<p>“Three weeks,” Felix repeated. “I can rent a car.”</p>
<p>“Cool!” Sylvain said, restoring the mood to merriment. “So, uh, Dimitri said we had to play Risk with you at least once before we’re allowed to go home.”</p>
<p>“Sylvain, please,” Dimitri sighed. “I asked you to sound excited about it.”</p>
<p>“I’m happy to play Risk,” Ingrid said diplomatically. “Besides, Sylvain is actually very good at board games when he tries.”</p>
<p>“I said I’d play, I just also value my life,” Sylvain lamented.</p>
<p>“Then lose,” Felix said dangerously. “Whether you choose to or not, doesn’t matter.”</p>
<p>“That expression haunts my nightmares,” Sylvain said as Ingrid began setting up the board. “The pure aggression, the hunter’s instinct, the efficient brutality of it.”</p>
<p>“It is somewhat sensual, no?” Dimitri said and Felix felt his menacing glare turn to a flush so red he had to bury his face in his hands.</p>
<p>Felix did win in the end, although Dimitri gave him a hard-fought battle. Eventually, though, Felix’s ability to tempt Dimitri’s allies into betraying him through fear alone led him to global domination.</p>
<p>They didn’t stay up too late, which Felix would only admit to himself was kind of nice. He was still exhausted and he wasn’t in any condition to handle a raging party.</p>
<p>As soon as Sylvain and Ingrid left, he looked around the apartment and sighed.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he said, folding his arms. “Well done. But we need to take these pictures down or I will lose my mind.”</p>
<p>“Was it alright?” Dimitri asked, beginning to peel the taped pictures from the walls and cabinets. “I couldn’t tell if you were having a good time.”</p>
<p>“It was perfect,” Felix said as quietly as he could.</p>
<p>He had no idea why it was so hard for him to say stuff like that. Especially considering that the smile that broke across Dimitri’s face afterwards was the most beautiful thing that he’d ever seen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>finally got twitter if anyone is interested @cyranonic</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: mentions of suicide and generally very bad mental health</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spring had clearly begun by the time they left the city for the weekend in a rental car. It was nice, Felix thought as the landscape around them turned green, to spend a little time away from everything. The city felt like a bomb on a timer he couldn’t read.</p>
<p>There was still no article from Claude and he could tell Dimitri felt the strain. He was more anxious than normal in public, his sleep was interrupted most nights, and Felix could tell that some days it required all of his effort and energy just to get up and take care of his basic needs.</p>
<p>It made Felix feel like he was living through a long siege, just waiting for the moment when the walls would break and the enemy would flood through the gate. Dedue’s words still haunted him, drifting through his mind when he wanted silence. Three times. He tried to kill himself three times. He might try again.</p>
<p>Felix hadn’t brought that up, though. It felt like a violation to even say it when Dimitri had never mentioned it and probably didn’t suspect that Felix knew.</p>
<p>But as the car sped out of the sprawl of the city and finally into the green forests, Felix felt something in him lighten. The vegetation was bright green, the new and tender color of freshly budded trees and grass. Wildflowers dotted the undergrowth with violet and white. The weather was unusually mild and the sun was shining and Dimitri was sitting beside him in the car looking out of the window and nodding off a bit.</p>
<p>When they arrived at the cabin, Dimitri roused himself from the doze and blinked in mild confusion.</p>
<p>“Ah,” he said as Felix pulled the car in to the gravel drive. “I’m sorry, I meant to keep you company.”</p>
<p>“I had music, and you needed the rest,” Felix said with a shrug.</p>
<p>“Still, I don’t usually fall asleep like that in the middle of the day,” Dimitri said, rubbing his face and yawning.</p>
<p>Felix rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>“Hmm, well, can you imagine why you might be tired?” he asked sarcastically.</p>
<p>“Don’t be irritable with me, Felix,” Dimitri pleaded. “I know I’ve been unwell recently, but I want this to be my gift to you.”</p>
<p>“Then you’ll rest,” Felix said, opening his car door and stretching as his limbs were finally freed from the confines of the driver’s seat. “So I can rest as well.”</p>
<p>The cabin itself was small, just a single bedroom, a living room, and a galley kitchen. They got the key from a lockbox at the door, brushed away a few cobwebs, and unpacked. There were a pair of large windows facing the lake and Felix spotted a porch with chairs out there as well. </p>
<p>That evening, they cooked in the small kitchen, made chili and ate it outside overlooking the lake before the sun set and the mosquitos came out. Dimitri talked idly about his desire for a dog whenever he visited a place like this. Felix noted that the preferred cats and those could easily live in an apartment.</p>
<p>That night, the early spring air got chilly and Felix found himself huddling into Dimitri’s arms for warmth. They kissed for a while, but both of them were too sleepy for much else. Felix felt his own lips growing soft and falling open as his eyes slid shut.</p>
<p>When he woke up the next morning, he’d somehow managed to sleep until nearly ten, which was exceptionally late for him. The bed was empty beside him as he shifted upright and stumbled groggily to his feet.</p>
<p>Dimitri was in the kitchen. He’d kept coffee warm for Felix, although it was the alarmingly potent blend he had always made back when he still drank caffeine. He was also in the process of preparing large and sloppily folded omelets with technique that would have made Dedue cringe. Felix couldn’t help but admit that it was very charming to him.</p>
<p>“Guess it’s my turn to apologize for oversleeping,” Felix said roughly as he began cautiously sipping the strong coffee.</p>
<p>“Oversleeping for what?” Dimitri shrugged. “Plans you don’t have?”</p>
<p>“I have plans,” Felix said with grim determination. “I swear to you I will catch a fish before this weekend is over.”</p>
<p>“Ah, the raw masculine energy of the survivalist,” Dimitri sighed with faint amusement. “You must provide for me. I’m helpless without the subway and the bodega.”</p>
<p>“It’s not just you,” Felix snorted. “It’s the professor. I have to best them at something eventually.”</p>
<p>“I see,” Dimitri cracked up into laughter, utterly failing to fold the second omelet and letting mushrooms spill out of the sides and into the pan. “Ah, well, this is more of a frittata at this point, so I’d better quit while I’m ahead and eat it.”</p>
<p>They ate breakfast and then Felix moved outside for a second cup of coffee. The air was cool, but not cold, and he began to pour over a guide to fishing on his phone while cursing the spotty internet access. Dimitri opened a book of his own, occasionally glancing at him over the pages with bemused fondness.</p>
<p>Felix couldn’t help but smile slightly in response. This felt right. It wasn’t like they were playacting normalcy or Felix was serving as bodyguard against all of Dimitri’s anxieties.</p>
<p>It was just… them. As they were, enjoying a morning, not having to struggle for a while.</p>
<p>In the afternoon, they walked around the lake. Felix rolled up the legs of his pants and put his feet in for a while, but the water was too cold for a very pleasant swim. Dimitri told him some rambling story about the history of man-made lakes and Felix enjoyed it despite the many tangents.</p>
<p>In the late afternoon, Felix spent about an hour trying to figure out how to even set up a fishing line and Dimitri tried to help, but was clearly too horrified by the fate of the worms to do much hands-on work. When he finally did get it cast, he felt what he thought were a few tugs, but he never managed to get anything on the hook. It was probably for the best. Dimitri did not seem excited by the possibility of gutting a fish.</p>
<p>“We used to get those crab nets in the summers with your family,” Dimitri mused after the third possible fish escapee. “That seemed much easier.”</p>
<p>“It was easier to catch them, but harder to get them into the cooler,” Felix nodded. “Glenn nearly lost a finger, remember?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Dimitri smiled. “And he shook his hand so hard trying to get the claw off, he launched the crab straight back off of the pier.”</p>
<p>“It’s, uh, it’s good to talk about him sometimes,” Felix admitted after he had recast his line. “Makes me feel like all my memories aren’t just poison.”</p>
<p>“I know what you mean,” Dimitri mused, his eye looking out over the still surface of the water. “I spend so much time obsessing over the past, but other times I can tell that I’ve started to forget things. Good things. It terrifies me. Even if forgetting helps.”</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Felix replied, not wanting to admit how much his heart had seized a that. How much of Glenn had he purged from his mind in the interest of moving forward?</p>
<p>“It’s so strange to think of my stepmother now and imagine she might have…” Dimitri started to say and then stopped, looking pensive and fiddling with a torn part of his cuticle. “She was so sad and I never noticed it. And she might have chosen to leave me behind.”</p>
<p>“Well, if she did, she was an idiot,” Felix said harshly. “And don’t you ever do the same. Don’t leave.”</p>
<p>“It upsets me less than you think, Felix,” Dimitri said with warmth. “You and so many of my friends have chosen to stay with me, even when you’ve had plenty of excuses not to. I am very lucky.”</p>
<p>“But just say it, okay?” Felix interrupted him. “Promise you aren’t going away. Promise that I never have to forget you.”</p>
<p>“Felix,” Dimitri whispered. “I have no desire to leave you.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Felix said and he jerked up the fishing line again. Still nothing.</p>
<p>He felt his neck growing hot as he could tell Dimitri was staring at him, probably putting something together in his mind.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure if you know this,” he finally said. “But it seems like you do. There have been times before when I did not see much value in my life. But that is not how I feel anymore. I want to be alive. Even when I’m not happy, I hope you know, I still want to be alive.”</p>
<p>Felix said nothing but clenched his teeth and kept his eyes fixed on the water below. Dimitri put a hand on his shoulder and he flinched.</p>
<p>“I would not leave you behind, Felix,” Dimitri said quietly. “I know you can’t always trust me. But trust me now.”</p>
<p>Felix took a deep breath and then let it out. Something inside of him felt like it was unclenching very slightly. He got an odd shivery feeling of relief for a tension he hadn’t realized he was carrying.</p>
<p>“Alright then,” he said aloud. “Let’s go inside. I don’t think we’re getting our dinner from the lake tonight.”</p>
<p>They cooked dinner together that evening. Then they sat outside for a few hours while the stars came out through the trees. A bird made a melancholy sound and Dimitri identified it as a bard owl. Neither of them knew anything about constellations, so they just sat in silence after that and looked up.</p>
<p>Finally, they went back inside with intentions to watch a movie on the cabin’s ancient television set. Somehow instead, Dimitri got Felix started on martial arts competitions and he ranted for nearly an hour before he realized what he was doing and simmered down.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you compete anymore?” Dimitri asked. Felix shrugged.</p>
<p>“Tendon injury,” he said noncommittally.</p>
<p>“It can’t get better?” Dimitri asked, running his hand up Felix’s forearm, fingers pressing against the tattoos that covered the surgical scar there.</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Felix shrugged. “I don’t know. But I’m done competing.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Dimitri said. “I know you loved it.”</p>
<p>“What? Beating the shit out of people?” Felix snorted.</p>
<p>“No, I mean, competition,” Dimitri said. “Winning. Improving. You always try to be the best at everything and I admire that.”</p>
<p>“It stopped being fun,” Felix said. Dimitri looked confused. “It stopped being fun after college. I wasn’t in the right headspace. I pushed myself way too hard. I got aggressive. And so obviously I got hurt because I was being stupid.”</p>
<p>“I guess those years were hard for all of us,” Dimitri frowned.</p>
<p>“I don’t miss it as much as I thought,” Felix said, relaxing as Dimitri’s fingers stated to trace up the line of tattoos to his shoulder. “Surprisingly I kind of enjoy training. It’s like teaching, sort of. Some of the kids are good.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad,” Dimitri said fervently. His hands moved to Felix’s shoulder, working a bit of the tightness out of the muscles with his finger. “I’m sure you’re fantastic at it. You can be very inspiring.”</p>
<p>Felix tilted his head forward as Dimitri rubbed a knot behind one of his shoulder blades.   </p>
<p>“I don’t know how this started,” Felix groaned as he turned around to allow Dimitri full access to his back. “But I’m not going to complain.”</p>
<p>“Don’t expect too much,” Dimitri warned. “I can only keep my hands confined to your back for so long.”</p>
<p>“You’re in a particular mood,” Felix snorted.</p>
<p>“Maybe it’s this place,” Dimitri said, and Felix felt his breath against his neck. “Maybe it’s being alone out here with just you.”</p>
<p>“Where no one can hear you scream?” Felix asked skeptically.</p>
<p>“Do you think you’ll make me scream?” Dimitri asked. Felix turned around very quickly.</p>
<p>“Alright, back massage over,” he demanded and then pinned Dimitri back onto the bed with a kiss.</p>
<p>The next day Felix woke up late again. They did nothing. Felix caught a fish.</p>
<p>It was the best day of his life.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When the time came to pack up and drive back to the city, Dimitri looked a bit mournful.</p>
<p>“I wish we could stay,” he said as he tossed the last of the bags into the backseat of the car.</p>
<p>“We’d get bored eventually,” Felix said. “Spotty Internet. No bodega.”</p>
<p>“We should come back, though,” Dimitri said. “When you can.”</p>
<p>Felix nodded as the sinking weight of reality began to fall over them again. He drove back to the city irritably, his foot quick to accelerate and brake as they hit the inevitable traffic. He felt so sour and childish to be ruining something so good by pouting that it was over.</p>
<p>It started to rain and Felix turned on the windshield wipers. Dimitri gazed up at the grey sky and the looming grey shapes of buildings. Felix tried to force a half smile onto his mouth as he glanced over to meet his eye, just enough to reassure both of them that things weren’t so bad.</p>
<p>They were crossing the bridge back into the city when Dimitri’s phone chimed in his pocket. He took it out and looked at the screen before answering.</p>
<p>Felix heart pounded at the muffled voice through the phone. He couldn’t make out the words, but he knew that voice.</p>
<p>“Alright… thank you… I’ll be ready… yes,” Dimitri replied quietly. When he hung up, he didn’t speak for a few moments.</p>
<p>“Was it Claude?” Felix finally asked.</p>
<p>“He’s ready to publish,” Dimitri said. “He just called to warn me, which was decent of him. Apparently he had an anonymous inside source he was waiting on.”</p>
<p>“That’s good, I guess,” Felix said, because he had no idea what else to say.</p>
<p>“I guess,” Dimitri agreed.</p>
<p>Felix dropped off Dimitri first before he returned the rental. Then he went home and looked at the accumulated messages on his phone and in his email and felt a brief moment of despair.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘You want to tell the others?’ </em>
</p>
<p>He texted Dimitri as he caught up on the group thread. It took him a while to respond.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I will. They don’t deserve to be caught off guard either.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix set his phone down and went to take a shower. Despite the running water, he heard the phone buzz against the table again and again as messages bombarded him from every side. He stayed in the shower a very long time.</p>
<p>The story came out Thursday morning.</p>
<p>Felix was staying with Dimitri and Dedue was there as well. The two of them awkwardly circled one another, like territorial cats each pretending to ignore the other. Ingrid and Sylvain had offered to come over as well, but Dimitri had assured them he would prefer some space.</p>
<p>When the article was uploaded, Felix read it on his phone while Dimitri scrolled through it on his computer. His eyes flashed over the words so quickly that he could barely process the meaning.</p>
<p>It was a good article.</p>
<p>It laid out their research clearly and verified all of their sources, leaving out some of the speculation about Dimitri’s stepmother.</p>
<p>As promised, there did appear to be an anonymous source, someone clearly within the company, who had leaked some incriminating emails from the Kleiman Market Consulting shell that indicated they had been financially preparing for a war with Duscur and a sizable weapon’s contract months before the assassination.</p>
<p>The parts about Dimitri were oddly… gentle. He came across as noble, a voice silenced by an uncaring world and a nefarious conspiracy. Claude did not dwell on the sensationalist aspect of his life, but neither did he report clinically.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I am not seeking revenge, nor do I believe my atonement is finished,” Blaiddyd stated. “But I believe that to right the wrongs done to the people of Duscur, we must begin by indisputably proving that they were wrongfully blamed for the assassination of my father.”    </em>
</p>
<p>Felix reached the end of the article and skimmed over it a few more times to confirm that he had read it all correctly. The relief he felt was immense.</p>
<p>It was over. The article was positive and it was finally over.</p>
<p>He leaned his head back and let his shoulders sag. For a split second, he let a memory of Glenn swim across his vision. Glenn, that morning, that last morning. He’d eaten cereal. He had been excited for the trip and Felix had been jealous and whined about why he wasn’t allowed to go if Dimitri was. Glenn had ruffled the top of his hair, which he hated.</p>
<p> And now Felix felt a fierce smile forming on his lips, his teeth bared in a gesture of triumph. Because fuck the bastards, they had gotten them. They had won and it was over and now he got to just exist and live his life unencumbered.</p>
<p>And maybe Dimitri could finally be free as well. Maybe he could be happy, smile less sadly, move without that weight on his shoulders. Maybe they could go to the museum or go to dinner or travel and not worry. They wouldn’t have to worry anymore.</p>
<p>His train of thought was interrupted when Dimitri made a small gasp and pressed his face into his hands. His cheeks were wet, Felix realized. He was crying almost silently. Felix felt oddly embarrassed, uncomfortable with such a display of emotion.</p>
<p>“What is it?” Felix asked, his eyes searching over the laptop screen to identify what was wrong.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Dimitri said, his voice choked. “I can’t explain. It’s just… a lot.”</p>
<p>Felix softened slightly.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Dedue said from his chair. “You’re safe.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Dimitri said. He was trembling.</p>
<p>Felix dragged him forward into a hug. He was so enormously tall, it was difficult to hold him, although Felix wasn’t exactly tiny himself. But Felix rested a hand on the back of his head and guided his face to press into his shoulder and just held him for a few minutes.</p>
<p>Dedue silently got up and shut the laptop, put it away.</p>
<p>Dimitri made almost no sound but for the occasional hitch of his breath, although Felix felt his shirt grow damp with a few more tears.</p>
<p>He knew it was probably just a reaction to the stress. Dimitri wasn’t actually upset by anything in the article. He was just overloaded. He’d be alright in a few hours.</p>
<p>Yet as they sat there, Felix couldn’t help but feel disappointed.</p>
<p>It had been foolish of him to think that this article might just fix all of their problems. But for a few seconds, Felix had believed it could.</p>
<p>And now reality crashed back over him like a tidal wave, stealing his breath and knocking him head over heels, setting him adrift back into the world of fear and exhaustion and slow difficult progress.</p>
<p>And why did it always have to be so damned slow and so damned difficult?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dimitri did not leave his apartment for the next two weeks. Felix and Dedue split the work of bringing him groceries and prescriptions. He appeared in one of the group’s video calls, ostensibly to play D&amp;D, but in actuality he just sat there in near silence.</p>
<p>Kyphon used the sharpshooter feat to land the final hit on the aboleth that had been plaguing the underdark for years. Dimitri just sat there, wearing a knit hat pulled down over his face despite the warmth of spring, and repeatedly casting the same cantrip again and again.</p>
<p>Felix stayed with him as often as he could. The worst part was that he couldn’t help. He couldn’t do anything but watch and hope it would be over soon.</p>
<p>Most of the time they just sat together, quietly reading or watching something. He could tell Dimitri was paranoid. He got up frequently to check the locks on the door and even the windows of the high-rise apartment.</p>
<p>One evening, he desperately asked if Felix could please check the apartment for listening devices. He buried his face in his hands for half an hour while Felix did.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry,” he said when Felix had finished. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to say that,” Felix told him firmly. “I don’t mind.”</p>
<p>“I know it’s crazy,” Dimitri said. “I know why I’m feeling this way. But I can’t stop.”</p>
<p>“You’ve been talking about it in therapy, right?” Felix asked, uncertain if he should even ask something so private.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Dimitri said, sounding distraught. “Which is why it frustrates me. Because I should be better, right? I shouldn’t be cowering here and making you search the walls for bugs when I barely even talk in this place anyways.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to be any way,” Felix said as calmly as he could. “I get that you’re afraid. I will do anything I can to make you less afraid.”</p>
<p>Dimitri sat at the table with his head still in his arms. Felix started the kettle for tea.</p>
<p>“I’m ruining your life,” Dimitri rasped after a few minutes.</p>
<p>“Don’t say that,” Felix snapped. “It’s my life and I say this is worth it.”</p>
<p>“It’s true though,” Dimitri whispered. “I drag you down. I make you unhappy.”</p>
<p>“Seeing you hurting makes me unhappy,” Felix retorted. “But you never do.”</p>
<p> “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” Dimitri mumbled into his arms as Felix put a hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>And very slowly, he did get better. He hesitantly asked Felix if they could go for a run in the park at five in the morning, and then he got up and they actually went. He worked up to public spaces. He made the short trip to Felix’s apartment by himself.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Is Dimitri doing alright?’ </em>
  
</p>
<p>Annette texted him after a few weeks of this. Felix sighed and turned his phone over in his hands a few times before responding.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Not really. But he’s working on it.’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Is it just the publicity? Or has something happened?’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix sighed heavily. He had no idea how to answer. He finally typed a reply before he fell asleep and forgot.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Not sure.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Annette didn’t ask anything further, but Dimitri mentioned to him that weekend that she had been sending him a lot of little videos and jokes.</p>
<p>Rufus had been particularly difficult since the article had come out, particularly when Dimitri begged him not to speak to Cornelia about any of it. Even though he couldn’t just write Dimitri off as psychotic anymore, he was furious with him for dragging the family reputation through the press once again. Mercedes called one morning as Felix was leaving for work and she and Dimitri apparently spent a few hours on the phone talking about it. It helped.  </p>
<p>Felix began to think it might be okay again.</p>
<p>And then Dimitri got recognized. Someone tried to take his photo at the store. It showed up in a tabloid magazine a few weeks later. He had a hand partially raised to shield his face and the flash of the camera phone made him look like a ghost.</p>
<p>And just like that, weeks of progress were gone.</p>
<p>Felix wanted to actually hurt someone when Dimitri told him. He was pacing around the apartment when Felix arrived there a few hours after. Most of the groceries he’d bought were still sitting out on the countertop.</p>
<p>“Just tell me what they looked like,” Felix demanded. “And I will find them and I will smash their phone into fucking pieces.”</p>
<p>“Felix, don’t,” Dimitri sighed. “There’s no point.”</p>
<p>“You should be able to leave your apartment without constantly having to fight off these pathetic, desperate assholes,” Felix growled, beginning to furiously put away food that had needed to be in the refrigerator hours before.</p>
<p>“I knew this might happen,” Dimitri said as he paced the edges of the room. “I made the decision because it was worth it. I signed up for this.”</p>
<p>“You signed up for this, but I… I just…” Felix slammed the fridge closed hard enough that the jars rattled. “It isn’t fair!”</p>
<p>“It never is,” Dimitri said, wincing at the sound. Felix took a few deep breaths and forced his fury down.</p>
<p>But that afternoon at the gym, he threw punches so hard that his tendons screamed in protest and he had to call off his workout early to ice it. He imagined each blow directed at the anonymous fucker with the camera phone and it didn’t make him feel any better at all.</p>
<p>Dimitri didn’t mention it when Felix showed up the next day with his wrist in a brace and Felix never brought it up.</p>
<p>During his regularly scheduled phone call to his father, Rodrigue seemed to know some of what was going on.</p>
<p>“Do you think I could call him?” his father asked hesitantly.</p>
<p>“Why not?” Felix asked dully. “He gave you his phone number, right?”</p>
<p>“It seemed like I ought to ask your permission. I don’t want you to think I’m meddling,” his father clarified. “But I wanted to at least offer my sympathy. The article was a tremendous thing for him to do.”</p>
<p>Felix pressed a hand to his forehead and tried to soothe the knot of pressure building between his eyes.</p>
<p>“Fine,” he finally said. “If you want.”</p>
<p>“Thank you for trusting me, Felix,” his father said gently.</p>
<p>Felix didn’t voice what he was really feeling. It wasn’t so much that he trusted Rodrigue as that he no longer trusted himself to be able to help. Let the old man give it a shot. Felix was as good as useless.</p>
<p>He couldn’t even talk about it at therapy anymore. It was pointless to try to bring it up. The therapist was only getting paid to work on his problems, not solve Dimitri’s.</p>
<p>The disembodied voice did bring up his feelings on the topic, however.</p>
<p>“You mentioned feeling angry last week. Is that still your emotional state?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Felix replied without enthusiasm. He focused his attention on picking at a hole in the hem of his shirt.</p>
<p>“Can you explain to me the cause of your anger?”</p>
<p>“Other people,” Felix said somewhat facetiously.</p>
<p>“What are some of the behaviors or mindsets that are bothering you?”</p>
<p>“People being shitty,” Felix said. “People being fucking monstrous.”</p>
<p>“Felix, I don’t mean to tell you that you can’t experience your emotions. Your feelings are authentic and I know they come from a place of empathy,” the therapist’s voice crackled out of the speakers. “But at a certain point, you know this anger becomes harmful to you. We need to develop some healthy ways for you to cope with this before it starts to damage you.”</p>
<p>“Should I do some yoga?” Felix asked snidely, unable to resist the urge to belittle all the advice he was getting.</p>
<p>“You should do whatever you can to comfort yourself. Seek out support from people who care for you. Give yourself permission to relax and restore yourself,” the voice told him. “In the same way that repetitive strain can hurt our bodies, existing in this state of constant emotional stress can lead you to a breaking point.”</p>
<p>Felix rubbed his forearm for a moment, feeling the tendons stretch painfully.</p>
<p>“Sport’s metaphor, huh? Well, now we’re really connecting,” he said bitterly.</p>
<p>“Felix,” the voice said, the computer audio making it slightly fuzzy and distant. “It’s okay to take a break. If your relationship is causing you this much stress right now, you both might benefit from a little more space.”</p>
<p>Felix’s head shot up at that.</p>
<p>“Hey, I just realized something,” he said. “Fuck you. I’d like to request a cancellation for next week. And maybe forever.”</p>
<p>He slammed the computer shut and narrowly avoided flinging it off of the table and shattering it into pieces.</p>
<p>There were still some bright moments.</p>
<p>That made it hurt even worse, in the long run.</p>
<p>Felix could grit his teeth and play through the pain for a long time. But every now and then, he would have a really good day, and then the next bad thing that happened would sucker punch the wind out of his lungs.</p>
<p>One morning Dimitri did wake up in a good mood. He was talkative while Felix was still yawning and trying to process being conscious. They lay in bed and lazily chatted for so long that Felix was late to his shift. It was a brief moment of hope.</p>
<p>As the spring turned to early summer, Ingrid decided they ought to make their hike an annual affair, and picked them both up in Sylvain’s car to drive to the woods. Dimitri was stiff and jumpy for the first hour, but eventually, he got used to being outside again. The trails were not crowded and the woods were quiet and peaceful after the constant grind of city traffic. That was a good day.</p>
<p>And Ashe, apparently noting Dimitri’s lack of engagement in D&amp;D, did his utmost to give his wizard character opportunities for cool maneuvers. Felix suspected that Ashe had started designing his puzzles and monsters with Luna’s spell list in mind. Of course, the party had also discovered a mysterious note from Luna’s missing sister. Dimitri slowly began to talk more during their sessions. </p>
<p>Once, when Felix had a very long day and returned to Dimitri’s apartment exhausted and wanting to spend several hours in a blisteringly hot shower, Dimitri opened the door with such a look of relief and happiness on his face that Felix forgot every terrible thing about his life right then. On nights like that, Dimitri could fight through the haze of chemicals and stress and they could be intimate. Sex, at least, reminded Felix that he could at least bring Dimitri some pleasure.  </p>
<p>Those good moments were so good, Felix sometimes felt like his chest would crack open and his heart would explode into dust. But they were inevitably punctuated by sadness.</p>
<p>And with each panful bad day, Felix felt more and more like he was going to crack. It was stupid. Nothing bad was evening happening to him. So why did he feel like he was drowning and his lungs were bursting and he couldn’t get a breath of air? He had to ignore it and be the pillar of strength Dimitri so desperately needed him to be in those moments.  </p>
<p>Another horrible nightmare that left Felix panicking too as Dimitri couldn’t seem to recognize him for a few minutes.</p>
<p>Another night where Dimitri slid out of bed after a few sleepless hours and Felix heard him pacing and taking uneven gasps of air in the living room until morning.</p>
<p>Another newspaper article. Good news in theory. The Adrestian government was issuing a formal investigation into Agartha Tech. But bad because it brought all of those memories right back to the surface.</p>
<p>“Do you ever think about Claude’s insider source?” Dimitri asked one evening, after pouring over the latest news updates.</p>
<p>He’d been awake for going on three days. Felix was considering calling Dedue because he wasn’t sure he could handle it any more. </p>
<p>“Not really,” Felix said. “We’ll probably never know. Could you try to eat a bit more?”</p>
<p>Dimitri gave his fork a bored stir around the vegetables Felix had just cooked for him. He speared one, but then got distracted before it made it to his mouth.</p>
<p>“I have a theory about who it was,” Dimitri said eagerly. “I’m almost certain it must have been Edelgard.”</p>
<p>“Dimitri, please,” Felix said.</p>
<p>“Look, I know how it sounds. But think about it. She probably has access to those documents. Perhaps she regrets collaborating with Arundel to further her own ambitions,” Dimitri said, setting his fork down again. “This sounds like her. Or, more accurately, it sounds like Hubert. It gives them assurance that if Agartha Tech goes down, her reputation won’t be tarnished before the election.”</p>
<p>“Could you just…” Felix interrupted. “Could you please eat some of this? Please.”</p>
<p>Dimitri looked at him. He got that impression that Dimitri was in there, but he was so deep beneath the surface it was difficult to see him.</p>
<p>Mechanically, Dimitri ate a few bites of food.</p>
<p>“Are you satisfied?” he said very evenly.</p>
<p>“Yes, sorry,” Felix mumbled. “I’m not trying to belittle you, I swear.”</p>
<p>Dimitri just quirked an eyebrow and went quiet.</p>
<p>“You remember why I worry, right?” Felix asked later, as he scraped uneaten food from the bowl into the garbage.</p>
<p>Dimitri looked repentant, or maybe just too tired to fight anymore. He nodded. But he didn’t say the words.</p>
<p>“You know that I love you, right?” Felix pressed on, needing Dimitri to respond. “Even when I seem like I’m being an asshole?”</p>
<p>“I know,” Dimitri said quietly. “Of course I know. But you aren’t being an asshole, Felix. You’re doing everything right. I’m just… I’m a problem right now.”</p>
<p>“You aren’t a problem,” Felix contradicted him. “And you know I hate it when you act like I’m totally blameless.”</p>
<p>“I hate how I act,” Dimitri said, not conceding the point. “I hate how I can’t stop myself sometimes. What if I…?”</p>
<p>“What if you what?”</p>
<p>“What if I don’t get better this time?” Dimitri whispered the question. “What if this is just me, forever?”</p>
<p>Felix felt his arm shake and he dropped a bowl onto the floor, shattering a few pieces of porcelain across the tile.</p>
<p>“You will. You will get better. You just need some time and some distance,” Felix managed to say as his trembling fingers scooped up pieces of broken china. “You’ve done harder things before, remember? You’re strong, freakishly strong, and you can beat anything eventually.”</p>
<p>Dimitri didn’t say anything in response, but he stumbled to his feet and helped Felix pick up a few more pieces of the broken bowl. He was so tired and his depth perception was already bad, but he did try to help. They swept the floor so it was at least safe to walk on and put the shards in a plastic bag to take out the next day. There was no fixing the bowl, but they dealt with it.</p>
<p>That would have to do for now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>just a general warning that Felix is making and will continue to make some very bad and destructive choices during this part of the plot</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: irresponsible alcohol and drug use, infidelity</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Summer arrived and the pain turned to a dull ache. The city grew hot and languid and Felix arrived at the gym for work already sweaty and irritable every day.</p>
<p>He trained with Sylvain as he usually did on Mondays, putting him through his paces with cardio before a quick break to work on his balance.</p>
<p>“So, how’s life treating you, friend?” Sylvain said as he caught his breath. “I feel like I hardly see you anymore.”</p>
<p>“You see me every week,” Felix replied.</p>
<p>“You know what I mean,” Sylvain said rolling his eyes. “Come out sometime, okay? Or just come to my place. I’ll buy you dinner and let you beat me at video games.”</p>
<p>“Sometime,” Felix said noncommittally. Sylvain squinted at him for a moment.</p>
<p>“How’s Dimitri? He want to come?” Sylvain finally asked.</p>
<p>“He’s fine,” Felix said, then added. “He goes outside again now.”</p>
<p>Dimitri had started a new anti-anxiety medication, which did seem to be helping him function in public places. It had the downside of making him very foggy and forgetful, like he was in a constant haze.</p>
<p>“Well, I’d love to have both of you over,” Sylvain said easily. “But I’d settle for just you sometime if the trip is going to stress Dimitri out.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Felix said. Sylvain sighed.</p>
<p>“You’re more terse than usual today,” he noted. “Is it my poor balance or something else? Anniversary worries?”</p>
<p>“What?” Felix genuinely had no idea what Sylvain was talking about.</p>
<p>“Seems kinda ridiculous to celebrate a one-year anniversary when you’ve known each other basically forever,” Sylvain laughed. “But I figure if anyone was going to, it would be you two idiots.”</p>
<p>Felix corrected Sylvain’s posture, not wanting to admit that the date hadn’t even crossed his mind. He had been so hyper-focused on just surviving the past month, he hadn’t really conceptualized that time was passing. Sylvain was right though. It would be one year in another week. Sylvain probably thought he had more time given that he and Dimitri hadn’t really told anyone they were dating for a while.</p>
<p>The thought filled him with unreasonable despair. Because he just needed more time. He wasn’t ready for this right now. He felt like he’d been hanging by his fingertips for so long and now the world was asking him to try to pull himself back up by the bleeding remnants of his nails.</p>
<p>“We probably won’t do much,” Felix finally said. “It’s been… hard.”</p>
<p>Sylvain looked at him and his brow creased. Then, he rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna invite you to things, okay?” Sylvain said. “And you don’t have to come. But I hope you can sometime. I’m gonna hope you show up every time.”</p>
<p>Felix felt a smile tug at his lip despite himself. He gave Sylvain a punch on the arm.</p>
<p>“I hope I show up too,” he said, then clapped his hand. “Come on, back on the mat. You still owe me planks.”</p>
<p>When he got home that night, he racked his brain for anything at least slightly special to do for their one-year anniversary. Dinner out wasn’t an option right now. And they got takeout at least once a week so that hardly seemed like much. Felix couldn’t take off much time from work and he wasn’t sure if Dimitri would even want to travel anywhere. He could buy Dimitri a book, but that just seemed… impersonal.</p>
<p>In the end, he accidentally got a bit too drunk on scotch and fell asleep before he made any plans.</p>
<p>When he woke up, slightly hung-over, the next morning, he had a text from Annette.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Felix!! How is life? Haven’t heard from you in a bit’ </em>
</p>
<p>He felt a wave of guilt. Annette had been sending him little check-in massages all week and he hadn’t responded. It made his stomach hurt to think of her waiting and feeling disappointed when all he had to do was reply to a simple fucking message.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Sorry. No excuse.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He sent his reply. It was morning, which meant that Annette was usually particularly responsive. In a few moments, he had her response.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I’m not trying to guilt you lol but I do miss ya. Are you doing okay?’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Fine.’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘How are you feeling with all the Agartha Tech drama?’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix blinked at the message for a few seconds. He switched to his conversation with Dimitri and reread their most recent texts. For weeks and weeks it was nothing but quick check-ins and coordinating when Felix would come over. At one point, he remembered, they had bantered. They had joked with one another and made conversation. </p>
<p>
  <em>‘Dimitri is fine. Working up to getting out more.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He sent the message and then put his phone down for a moment to make breakfast. When he returned, he saw Annette’s response.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Thanks, but I was actually curious about how you are! Pretty exhausted??’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix typed his response as he felt tension immediately draw his brows together.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Said I was fine. Why ask?’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘because uhhhhh I also care about you??? I know youre under a ton of stress!’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Did someone tell you I was stressed?’ </em>
</p>
<p>He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. He was picking a fight with Annette. With Annette of all people. Annette was the only person he’d probably never fought with before in his life.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I swear no. I just noticed you had been quiet. You’ve been taking care of Dimitri so well, but someone needs to take care of you too.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix snorted a laugh as he set the phone down and stared out of his window for a moment. The sky was cloudy and the weather was hot and humid. They needed a storm to break the heat. The memory of a storm one year earlier flashed through his memory like the searing burn of hot metal against his skin.  </p>
<p>Annette thought he’d been taking good care of Dimitri, huh? Well, perhaps she had forgotten that Felix was the person who had done this to him in the first place.</p>
<p>Perhaps she wasn’t aware of how Felix couldn’t even force himself to be tender and vulnerable and kind to the person he loved more than anyone else in the world.</p>
<p>He turned his phone off and went to work.</p>
<p>He cancelled breakfast with Ingrid that weekend as well. He couldn’t stand her inevitable pity. He couldn’t stand anyone who acted like what Felix was feeling was in any way comparable to the hell he’d put Dimitri through.</p>
<p>Felix checked his calendar and calculated that the actual one-year anniversary would be on a Thursday night. He still couldn’t think of anything particularly good. The best he could come up with was to cook something slightly fancy, consent to watching a documentary about metallurgy that Dimitri had mentioned a while ago, and then do everything in his power to deliver the most mind-blowing sex he could.</p>
<p>Sylvain texted him the night before, telling him that he was throwing a pretty big party at his house that Thursday as well, if Felix wanted to come and just get royally wasted. Felix bowed out without mentioning why.</p>
<p>Thursday morning, he awoke to a text from his father.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Felix—we haven’t spoken in a few weeks. I understand that you wanted some space, but I am getting a little worried. Could you send me an update when you have the time?’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix pinched the bridge of his nose very hard as he sat on the edge of his bed staring at the message. What right did his father have to worry about him? Was his cracking up really so obvious that even the old man was trying to intervene?</p>
<p>For no clear reason at all, Felix suddenly felt like he couldn’t draw a clear breath. The phone slipped out of his fingers.</p>
<p>Pull it together, he reminded himself furiously. Have this stupid crisis later when Dimitri didn’t need him to be stable and strong and reliable.</p>
<p>Slowly, he picked the phone up and typed a response.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Am fine. Busy.’</em>
</p>
<p>He headed over to Dimitri’s apartment after work, feeling oddly nervous. It reminded him of those first few months they’d spent reacclimating themselves to one another. He remembered how he’d come to Dimitri’s apartment with coffee that first time, how barren and sad it had looked, how the locks on the door had reminded him of a fortress.</p>
<p>And the naïve Felix of a year before had thought he could make this better. Stupid younger Felix had genuinely believed that Dimitri just needed a push and he would make progress.</p>
<p>What progress had been made? He had another picture and a couch in his apartment. The cactus was still clinging to life. That was it.</p>
<p>Felix knocked and Dimitri opened the door.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he said with a small smile and pulled Felix into a quick hug.</p>
<p>For one quick moment, Felix wanted nothing more than to lean into that hug and sob like a child for hours and hours.</p>
<p>Instead, he brushed a kiss to Dimitri’s cheek and started setting down groceries in the kitchen.</p>
<p>“I was thinking of making udon if that’s alright with you,” he said.</p>
<p>“You know I’ll eat anything,” Dimitri said automatically. It was his standard response, always said with the tiniest edge of humor.</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, the textures, right?” Felix suggested. “How was today?”</p>
<p>“It was a day,” Dimitri said neutrally. He didn’t seem to be in a terrible mood. It wasn’t one of his best days, but he wasn’t pacing or paranoid or too depressed to feel anything at all. The new medicine at least allowed him to be this more level, if slightly spacey, version of himself. “I worked on corporate software. So, you know, thrilling. How about yourself?”</p>
<p>“One of my training clients is competing in a few weeks, so I’ve been working her hard,” Felix said. “The sparring is nice. Gives me get a chance to see if my skills are still sharp.”</p>
<p>“I’m positive they are,” Dimitri said with a small smile, stirring around the kitchen until he was ready to help Felix slice ingredients.</p>
<p>Felix should have told him then that he’d calculated the night as their anniversary.</p>
<p>But in the moment, it seemed embarrassing. He didn’t want to be the sort of person who cared about that. If Dimitri wasn’t worrying about it, why add to the pressure?</p>
<p>So Felix just made soup. They ate it at the table. They watched a documentary about metallurgy. Felix slowly leaned his head against Dimitri’s shoulder.</p>
<p>How the hell could he tell him in a nice way that he just really needed to be held for about an hour? What would it accomplish except to make Dimitri feel guilty?</p>
<p>When the documentary ended, Felix saw Dimitri rubbing his blind eye through the eyepatch. Felix leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheekbone there. Dimitri sighed pleasantly at that.</p>
<p>Emboldened, Felix pressed forward and closed his mouth into a kiss. He slipped his tongue into Dimitri’s warm mouth. With one hand, he stroked a few messy strands of blonde back from Dimitri’s face while with the other he drew their bodies close together with an arm around his back. Dimitri gently put his hands on Felix’s waist and kissed him very softly, almost delicately.</p>
<p>Felix shifted forward, starting to adjust his position so that he could entwine their legs a little closer. Dimitri pulled back.</p>
<p>“That is very nice,” he murmured, voice low and pleasant. “But perhaps we could save this for tomorrow? I’m getting one of those headaches.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Felix managed to say, pulling back as well.</p>
<p>“It’s probably just a tension headache,” Dimitri reassured him. “If I manage to get a few hours more sleep tonight, I’ll probably be fine tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Felix said, forcing the words out. “Do you want me to stay here?”</p>
<p>Dimitri sighed and looked indecisive.</p>
<p>“I guess… I mean you are always welcome. But it might be better to sleep by myself tonight,” he said with an apologetic grimace. “I’m sorry. I think I need to take some of that weird medicine again that will make me very restless and unpleasant.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Felix said again. “Okay.”</p>
<p>“But I’ll see you tomorrow?” Dimitri clarified hopefully. “I think Ashe is scheduling a video call for Sunday with everyone, so make sure to bring all your supplies if you want to stay until then.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Felix said. It was the only word he could say anymore. He picked up his backpack, still full of clothes for the next morning.</p>
<p>Dimitri stood up to let him out. He kissed him before he left and smiled his sad smile, his one visible eye crinkling up so beautifully.</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Felix,” Dimitri said before he closed the door. “I love you.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Felix said again to the closed door.</p>
<p>He took the elevator back down. He stood on the street outside under a lamp for a few minutes. It seemed possible to believe that he was invisible to everyone else in the world.</p>
<p>Finally, he shook his head. He ought to go home and get some rest. Stop wallowing.</p>
<p>He walked to the subway. Then, on impulse, he went to the wrong platform. He took the first train towards downtown, towards over the river, towards the brownstone.</p>
<p>Sylvain had invited him to a party, right? Why shouldn’t he show up? He was free.</p>
<p>By the time he reached Sylvain’s house, it was nearing midnight. From the street outside, Felix could hear the low thrum of bass from the speakers and the swell of voices. A few of Sylvain’s art friends were sitting on the steps smoking. He passed through them, feeling their curious eyes on his back.</p>
<p>Inside, the house was packed. The floor was sticky with spilled drinks and people were dancing. Felix waded through the crowd. He didn’t know anyone. People parted for him as he made his way to the kitchen.</p>
<p>There were plenty of open bottles on the counter. Felix took shots by himself, a few strangers watching him with looks of mild interest as he knocked back liquor.</p>
<p>“Felix!” Sylvain’s voice cut through the din of music and talk. He pushed through the crowd around the counter and stumbled over. He was clearly very drunk, his face flushed and his steps unsteady. He was wearing a shirt that was just a thin layer of mesh.</p>
<p>“I thought you weren’t coming!” Sylvain shouted at him, but there was a grin on his face. “I would have tried to stay more sober!”</p>
<p>Felix took another shot and grimaced.</p>
<p>“Why stay sober?” he shouted back. Sylvain raised his eyebrows.</p>
<p>“You make a fair point,” he slurred and then winked. “Come on, let’s meet people.”</p>
<p>Sylvain took Felix by the shoulder and guided him out into the party. Felix drank whatever was put into his hand as quickly as he could, although the sweet mixers made him want to gag.</p>
<p>Someone was handing out tiny little pills. Felix held his palm out. Sylvain did the same.</p>
<p>“Wow,” Sylvain laughed. “You really needed to let loose, huh?”</p>
<p>Felix swallowed the pill without asking what it was. Sylvain was still holding on to his shoulder, sometimes just for support as his legs appeared shaky.</p>
<p>“Still gotta work on my balance,” he mumbled into Felix’s ear as he swayed.</p>
<p>The alcohol and whatever he had just taken began to hit him in about half an hour. Felix felt like his skin was going numb. His face was blazing hot. But he wasn’t angry. He felt good. He felt light.</p>
<p>He began to laugh for no particular reason.</p>
<p>“Why am I laughing?” he managed to wheeze after a few minutes. Sylvain gave him an exaggerated shrug.</p>
<p>“Because life is absurd,” Sylvain declared. “And you just took ecstasy. Combination of the two, probably.”</p>
<p>Felix cracked up at that. Sylvain was very wise sometimes. Felix always noticed that, how Sylvain tried to take care of everyone.</p>
<p>The laughing seemed to render Sylvain unable to stand anymore and so they found themselves collapsing onto the futon in the corner. It was covered in beer, the fabric soaking and smelling of alcohol.</p>
<p>“Fuck, come on,” Sylvain said, trying to drag himself upright. “I need a party breather.”</p>
<p>Felix followed as Sylvain pulled himself up the stairs. His bedroom door was closed, but Felix could hear the sound of someone panting heavily from the bathroom next door.</p>
<p>“Least they didn’t use my bed,” Sylvain shrugged, as he collapsed onto it. The room was dimly lit by only a few strings of lights and a salt lamp. Felix lay down on his back. He felt very dizzy.</p>
<p>How late was it? He tried to find a clock on the walls, but he didn’t see any. It felt like he’d only just arrived. How had he gotten so drunk, then?</p>
<p>“Don’t let me fall asleep,” Sylvain groaned from beside him. “I want to get back downstairs in a minute.”</p>
<p>“I’ll try,” Felix said. His words felt like they weren’t in sync with the movement of his mouth.</p>
<p>“You know I’m really fucking glad you came,” Sylvain mumbled, rolling closer to him. “I miss you, Fe.”</p>
<p>Felix leaned closer as well. It felt so good to have made one single person in the world happy.</p>
<p>“Glad I came too,” Felix said in reply. He could feel his heart thumping in every inch of his body. His stomach felt weird.</p>
<p>“I want you to relax,” Sylvain kept talking, nuzzling his face into Felix’s shoulder. “Want you to feel good. You deserve it."</p>
<p>Felix started to laugh again. At least, he was pretty sure he was laughing. Hard to tell.</p>
<p>Sylvain sat up, then leaned down and kissed him. His mouth was sloppy, a bit too hard. Felix opened his lips in response.</p>
<p>Sylvain pulled back and let himself fall onto the bed.</p>
<p>“Sorry, sorry,” he said. “Shit. Sorry. Out of line. Stupid.”</p>
<p>Felix lay there in silence for a moment. How long had it been? He couldn’t keep track anymore. When was he going to sober up? He felt weird.</p>
<p>Felix rolled over and kissed Sylvain back. Sylvain responded at once, tugging him closer, knotting his fingers in the strands of hair that were coming loose and trailing down his neck. Felix bit his lip until Sylvain gasped, although not entirely just with pain.</p>
<p>“We shouldn’t,” Sylvain finally managed to say, his consonants all slurring together into a mess of sound. “I don’t want to mess up you and Dimitri.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Felix said. “We have a thing.”</p>
<p>Why had he said that? What did that even mean? Sylvain looked as confused as he felt.</p>
<p>“Like… an open relationship?” Sylvain asked.</p>
<p>“Sure,” Felix lied. “Just don’t tell him. Doesn’t like to hear about it. But he’s on so many fucking pills he barely cares about sex anyways.”</p>
<p>Why had he said that? It wasn’t just a cruel lie-- it was a violation of trust, a horrible and intimate thing he should never have shared with anyone. Why the fuck had he said that? </p>
<p>“But it’s okay?” Sylvain asked, clearly not able to comprehend this bizarre lie in his current state of inebriation.</p>
<p>Felix rolled over on top of him and kissed him. He felt Sylvain’s hands immediately reach between his legs, rubbing him through his clothes. Felix groaned against Sylvain’s mouth.</p>
<p>“Always had a thing for you, Fe,” Sylvain panted as he worked his hands with surprising dexterity. “Back at college, even. Never went for it, though.”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Felix said sharply, jerking his head back and pressing his tongue into his mouth so he couldn’t talk anymore. Sylvain responded with a moan.</p>
<p>Felix was so hot. He was sweating through his clothes. He wanted to take some of them off, let Sylvain touch his skin. It almost hurt how much he wanted it. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back.</p>
<p>“You’re fucking sexy, you know that?” Sylvain breathed from below him.</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Felix insisted.</p>
<p>“Seriously, seriously,” Sylvain continued. “You feel so good, you’re amazing, ah—”</p>
<p>“Shut up!”</p>
<p>Felix grabbed Sylvain’s hand and jerked it back.</p>
<p>He scrambled off of the bed. His shoulder hit the wall and he leaned against the doorframe for support. The heavy breathing in the bathroom next door had turned to grunting and moaning.</p>
<p>“Felix?” Sylvain asked, confused and barely able to hold his head up.</p>
<p>Felix ran out of the room.</p>
<p>Downstairs had become a terrifying whirl of strange people and thundering music. Felix barely managed to claw his way out of the door and back to the front steps in time.</p>
<p>He threw up against the side of the brownstone. It was mostly alcohol. And fucking udon noodle soup. Felix panted, unable to catch his breath. His stomach heaved again and again.</p>
<p>Finally, when there was nothing left inside of him, he pressed his face against the brick and just waited for a minute. His face still felt like it was on fire.</p>
<p>“You need some water? Or a ride home?”</p>
<p>A girl’s voice broke through his haze of panic. He turned to look at her, wiping some of the vomit from his chin with his sleeve. It was that girl with the dark red hair from the Halloween party. She was holding out a plastic water bottle.</p>
<p>Felix snatched it from her hands, rinsed it mouth, spit it back onto the sidewalk with the rest of the mess.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” he said, his throat wrecked from the vomit. He took another sip of the water but couldn’t swallow it.</p>
<p>Then he started to walk towards the subway. He threw up again in a trashcan on the platform. Other people sat far away from him as he shivered on the train, sweat pouring down his face and soaking his shirt. He had no idea what time it was.</p>
<p>When he got back to his apartment, he staggered to the bathroom. He fell asleep curled in the bathtub, waking occasionally to dry heave a few more times over the toilet.</p>
<p>He finally got up around nine in the morning, His body felt like he’d been hit with a train. He couldn’t even think about food without wanting to die.</p>
<p>But he forced himself to get out of the bathtub. He stripped his disgusting clothes off. He smelled like garbage. It was difficult to stand in the shower, so he sat on the floor for a while. The water poured over his shoulders. Felix pressed his head between his knees.</p>
<p>Finally, he got out of the shower. He was scheduled to work that afternoon. Felix stared at himself in the mirror for a few minutes. He looked the same. There were some shadows under his eyes, that was it.</p>
<p>How the hell did he look exactly the same?</p>
<p>He kept his phone turned off until after work. During his shift, he hardly spoke a word. His technique was sloppy. His stomach still hurt.</p>
<p>When he did finally check his messages, there was nothing from Sylvain. Felix sighed in relief. His hands were shaking.</p>
<p>He texted Dimitri.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Threw up this morning. Might need to skip coming over tonight.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Dimitri replied instantly.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Of course! Let me know if I can do anything. Wishing I could make you feel better.’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix thought he might throw up again. Because he was the most disgusting person in the entire world.</p>
<p>He didn’t sleep that night, just lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He couldn’t tell Dimitri what had happened. He couldn’t bare it and Dimitri couldn’t bare it, not right now. It could never happen again, that was certain.</p>
<p>Why had he even done it? Thinking about it now when he was sober gave him no feeling but revulsion with himself. He had no desire for Sylvain. He had no desire for anyone in the world but Dimitri.</p>
<p>So why had he done it?</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(edit: thanks to the folks reminding me to update the tags! I apologize because I am actually a bit new to online fandom and sometimes I don't think about what needs a tag, particularly if it's something that I've written after starting the story before I knew it would become a part of the plot. I will do better in future and thanks for your help reminding me)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: mental breakdown, fallout of infidelity</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On Saturday, it didn’t even register that he was supposed to have breakfast with Ingrid. His phone was still on silent and he didn’t notice she’d called him until noon.</p>
<p>That evening, he went to Dimitri’s apartment. He couldn’t avoid him, that would only make everything worse.</p>
<p>It was like he was trapped. He had to go, to pretend everything was normal, even though he knew deep down that it couldn’t last. It wasn’t sustainable. Things like this didn’t stay hidden forever.</p>
<p>But he couldn’t do anything but sit silently and wait for the inevitable crash.</p>
<p>Dimitri’s smile turned to worry when he opened the door.</p>
<p>“You do look a little sick,” Dimitri said, feeling his forehead. “Are you sure you should be going to work like this?”</p>
<p>“Just a stomach thing,” Felix said. “Probably food poisoning.”</p>
<p>“I’m going to make you tea with ginger,” Dimitri declared. “And you are going to lie down and rest for a while.”</p>
<p>Felix lay on the couch. He was the filthiest and lowest monster in the entire world and Dimitri was making him tea.</p>
<p><em>Are you happy now?</em> A cruel voice he recognized as his own seemed to be speaking inside of his head. <em>Do you have the attention you wanted?</em></p>
<p>The next morning, Dimitri woke up late after a surprisingly good sleep. Felix had mostly lain silent and awake beside him and tried not to tremble with the strain. His muscles felt very tight as he tried to sit up.</p>
<p>“You should eat something,” Dimitri said. “Toast, at least.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want anything,” Felix said. Dimitri smiled fondly.</p>
<p>“Isn’t this usually reversed?” he said with amusement. “Come on, at least one of us has to enjoy food.”</p>
<p>Felix ate unbuttered toast and it felt like he was swallowing acid.</p>
<p>In the early afternoon, it was time for the group video chat. Felix held his breath as Dimitri pulled it up on his laptop. But there was no Sylvain.</p>
<p>“Felix,” Ingrid’s slightly glitching voice came through the speakers. “Glad to see you’re still alive. I did call you a few times.”</p>
<p>“Felix has managed to give himself food poisoning,” Dimitri said, rubbing a circle on Felix’s back. “And for some reason he sees this as a personal weakness.”</p>
<p>Everyone laughed. Felix stared at nothing.</p>
<p>He was the most appalling shameless abomination in the entire world.</p>
<p>Finally, the ordeal ended. The call was over and Felix had survived. He almost wished he hadn’t. He almost wished Sylvain had been there and screamed at him.</p>
<p>But Dimitri. Fuck. Dimitri. He would be ashamed and hurt and publicly humiliated.</p>
<p>Felix had done enough damage already. Why couldn’t he resist doing more? Why couldn’t he do anything but destroy other people and tear them down?</p>
<p>“Are you sure you’re going to be alright this week?” Dimitri asked as Felix packed his things up. “You still look sick.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be alright, don’t worry,” Felix instructed him. “I’ll bring you groceries next time I’m over, alright?”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to do that, Dedue can—” Dimitri began.</p>
<p>“I can do it,” Felix insisted.</p>
<p>Dimitri kissed him goodbye on the check when Felix turned his mouth away.</p>
<p>When he got back to his apartment, Felix took a shower for over an hour. He couldn’t seem to slow his breathing down. He just stood there, shaking, and feeling his lungs gasp for air.</p>
<p>Sylvain did not show up for their Monday training appointment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With each day that passed, he felt his dread increasing.</p>
<p>A part of him was starting to hope that maybe it could just go away. Maybe Sylvain had been too drunk and he’d forgotten what had happened. Maybe he thought it was just a dream or a fantasy.</p>
<p>Maybe Felix could just keep going with his life and take the punishment of feeling this miserable forever and ever. And Dimitri wouldn’t have to know. Felix wouldn’t have to be the one who hurt him again.</p>
<p>But another part of him knew that it was over. That the fire he had set was still burning and soon it would consume everything he cherished. As much as he tried to ignore it, Felix knew that it would happen eventually.</p>
<p>He didn’t speak with anyone for the next week. He felt like a criminal on the run from every person he’d ever met.</p>
<p>Dimitri forwarded him an email midway through the week from Rufus. Apparently, Cornelia’s office had suddenly closed and she was unreachable by any form of communication. There were rumors of malpractice suits. It seemed probable that she’d decided to leave the country.</p>
<p>Maybe they’d find her one day. Maybe one day Claude would account for every strange detail of all this horror. Felix didn’t care anymore. He had plenty of viciousness within himself to consider before he began another crusade against the cruelty of the wider world.</p>
<p>Deep down, he was aware that it would be worse the longer he left it. He had to confess, to explain, to make sure Dimitri knew that he’d done nothing wrong except be foolish enough to trust Felix.</p>
<p>But every time he tried to formulate the words in his mind, there was nothing. There was no excuse. There was no explanation. Nothing could make it better or fix it. Felix had never been adept at knowing his own emotions, and this was no exception. All he understood was that he had experienced one night of disgusting failure to be a human being. All he understood was that, at some level, he must have wanted to cause harm.</p>
<p>On Friday, he went to the grocery store. He bought simple foods, healthy and easy to prepare. High calorie protein bars to try to help Dimitri get his weight back up. Frozen dinners that could go in the microwave. He walked with several canvas bags on his shoulders up to Dimitri’s apartment.</p>
<p>When he knocked on the door, he found that it was unlocked. The fortress was breached, he thought. Unnerved, he opened it and stepped inside.</p>
<p>Dimitri was sitting at the table, staring down at his hands. Felix set the grocery bags on the floor as he entered.</p>
<p>He knew from Dimitri’s face that this was it.</p>
<p>It was all over.</p>
<p>“Sylvain called me,” Dimitri said after a few moments of silence.</p>
<p>Felix said nothing.</p>
<p> “He was crying.”</p>
<p>“I understand,” Felix said, suddenly as tired as if he’d been running day and night for a week.</p>
<p>“He said he kissed you. He said he forced you to kiss him when you were drunk,” Dimitri continued. His voice was shaking.</p>
<p>Felix shook his head.</p>
<p>“No,” Felix said. “I did it. I started it.”</p>
<p>“Can you tell me why?” Dimitri asked, finally looking up. His expression was heartbroken. His voice cracked on the last word. “I just need to know why.”</p>
<p>“I’ll go,” Felix said. “I’ll leave. But don’t stay here alone. Call Dedue.”</p>
<p>“Felix, please,” Dimitri begged. Tears were starting to slide down his cheek. “Just tell me why. Was it just… just physical? Or do you… Would you rather be with… Was it something I did?”</p>
<p>“No,” Felix said. “It was all me. There’s no excuse. Call Dedue.”</p>
<p>“Stop telling me to do that,” Dimitri said, his voice becoming a frustrated sob. “I want to talk about this. I want to understand. If I can understand, then we can fix this, maybe, if you want to… if you even want to… But you have to try! Please, you have to try.”</p>
<p>“I can’t,” Felix said. “There’s nothing I can say to make it acceptable.”</p>
<p>“Please don’t leave right now, please,” Dimitri said as firmly as he could while he gasped and wiped at his eyes. “Try to explain. I need you to explain. I need to hear it from you.”</p>
<p>“There is no explanation. I did this. I don’t expect forgiveness. I don’t expect you to want to see me ever again,” Felix said. “But I can’t leave until you call Dedue so you aren’t alone.”</p>
<p>“Why aren’t you listening to me?” Dimitri’s voice rose. He growled in frustration. “Felix, I am begging you. I love you. I can’t lose you like this. Talk to me! Talk to me!”</p>
<p>“I’m going to call him,” Felix said, and for the first time he heard his own voice shake. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolled to find Dedue’s number.</p>
<p>Dimitri put his head into his arms. He was crying in huge heaving gasps of pain. Felix realized that for all of their year of trial and trauma, he’d never seen Dimitri cry like this. This was worse than the nightmares and the panic attacks. This was so, so much worse.</p>
<p>Dedue’s phone rang.</p>
<p>“Felix?” Dedue answered. He was still at work.</p>
<p>“Dimitri needs you to come over right now,” Felix said as calmly as he could. Dedue could probably hear the terrible howling sobs in the background of the call. “Right now. Immediately.”</p>
<p>“I understand,” Dedue said. “I’m on my way. I’ll get a cab.”</p>
<p>Felix hung up the phone.</p>
<p>“I’ll leave now,” Felix said to Dimitri. “I’ll get out of your life. I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Don’t go,” Dimitri said, his voice a strangled wreck. He raised his head. Hair was sticking to his face and his eye was swollen and red. “Don’t go like this.”</p>
<p>“There’s nothing I can say,” Felix said.</p>
<p>“Felix, I love you, I love you, I love you,” Dimitri confessed, unable to stop himself from sobbing as he said it.</p>
<p>Felix shut the door behind him and ran down the stairs.</p>
<p>He ran all the way back to his apartment. It was still early. His fingers fumbled on the locks. He shut the curtains. He turned his phone off and put it into his bedside drawer.</p>
<p>Then he lay in the total darkness until morning.</p>
<p>He drifted into a doze a few times. He didn’t take off his clothes or draw the blankets over his body.</p>
<p>He just lay there like he was dead. He felt like he was dead.</p>
<p>The next day, he emailed his co-workers to say that he was sick and couldn’t come in to work for a few days.</p>
<p>He didn’t do anything with the time off. He just sat in the living room on the floor with his back to the couch and waited until night fell and he could climb back into bed.</p>
<p>He slept for fourteen hours.</p>
<p>The next morning, he finally managed to eat something. He felt weak, like he might pass out. He ate leftovers from the fridge, still cold. Then he climbed back into bed. He didn’t relax. He kept his muscles tight. He stared at the wall, replaying that last conversation over and over. He forced himself to imagine that look on Dimitri’s face, picturing it again and again.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to feel better. He wanted to feel worse. He wanted to hurt.</p>
<p>But eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore. Even he had a limit. He cracked. He put in his headphones and played music until he fell asleep again.</p>
<p>When he woke up at some unknown time, he kept his headphones in. The apartment was still dark. He hadn’t opened the curtains or the blinds. Every now and then, his heart would start racing and his chest felt like it was collapsing and he couldn’t breathe. Other times, he was numb.</p>
<p>He skipped all of the angry songs on his playlist, full of frantic guitar and thundering drums. He skipped all the songs by the band Dimitri had taken him to see after his father visited. He skipped a lot of songs.</p>
<p>At what felt like the end of the day, someone knocked on his door. Felix sat in the living room and waited, not answering.</p>
<p>“Felix!” Ingrid’s voice shouted through the door. “Felix please open the door. I need to talk to you.”</p>
<p>Felix said nothing.</p>
<p>“Damn it, Felix!” Ingrid sounded furious. “Please open the door!”</p>
<p>Felix put his head between his legs and waited for her to go away.</p>
<p>“Could you at least…. Confirm life,” Ingrid said, her voice softer. She sounded choked up. “Just let me know you’re not dead in there.”</p>
<p>Felix finally looked up. He slowly pushed himself upright and went to the door. Then he knocked once on the wood.</p>
<p>Ingrid sighed with relief. She knocked back once.</p>
<p>“I’m not angry with you,” she said after a moment. “But you need to talk to someone. You can’t just hide in there forever.”</p>
<p>That was clearly a lie. She was furious. And Felix could absolutely hide in his apartment forever. There was no need for anyone from the group to ever speak to him again. He wouldn’t resent them for that.</p>
<p>“I can’t keep standing here and talking to myself, but can you please start answering your phone?” Ingrid said. “It’s really bad right now. It’s really bad.”</p>
<p>Felix curled up back in front of the couch and waited until he heard her footsteps going back down the stairs.</p>
<p>He went back to bed.</p>
<p>He wasn’t sure how much time was passing. He wasn’t sure if he was sleeping at night or if he was just napping all day anymore.</p>
<p>When he woke up next, he drank some water in the kitchen. His lips were cracked. He was starting to smell of stale sweat and oily skin. His head ached and he felt dizzy.</p>
<p>There was another knock on his door. Probably Ingrid again. She needed to just leave him alone. There was nothing he could do right now other than stay away from everyone.</p>
<p>“Felix?” a gentle voice asked through the door. It was Annette. How was it Annette? Annette did not live in the city. “Are you in there?”</p>
<p>Felix ran a hand through his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. Then he went to the door and ripped it open.</p>
<p>“Why are you here?” he asked savagely. Annette was standing there with her giant travel backpack on.</p>
<p>“Ingrid called me,” Annette said, smiling just a little. “Can I come in?”</p>
<p>Wordlessly, Felix stepped back and let her inside. She made no comment about how he looked or smelled or the darkness. She just set her backpack down and went to sit on the couch. Felix sat on the floor and leaned his back against the arm of the couch. Annette let him sit in silence for a few moments as he tried to take a few even breaths and formulate something to say.</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t have come. You have school,” Felix finally said. “I told Ingrid I was alive.”</p>
<p>“I wanted to come,” Annette said. “Mercedes came as well, actually. Ashe is flying in next week.”</p>
<p>“No,” Felix said, pressing his fists into his eyes. “Fuck. No.”</p>
<p>“Felix, I wanted to be here,” Annette reminded him. She was so steady and direct right now.</p>
<p>“Why?” he asked through gritted teeth. “I’m the one who did this. I’m the one who messed everything up. You should be with the people I hurt, not here.”</p>
<p>“You hurt some people,” Annette agreed. She laid a hand on his shoulder. “But I still love you. You’re still my friend.”</p>
<p>“Well you shouldn’t. And I don’t need any pity right now,” Felix growled. “I did this to myself. These are the consequences.”</p>
<p>“I still want to help, however I can,” Annette said. “Felix, can you help me understand…. Why did you do it?”</p>
<p>Felix felt his breath hitch. He couldn’t say anything.</p>
<p>It was like he was frozen. There was some part of him that just didn’t work anymore. There was some part of him that was rusted over from long neglect.</p>
<p>Then some ancient valve finally began to turn and he felt something in him give way. He hadn’t done this in years. It hurt. He had forgotten how to cry.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he said and his voice cracked. He tried to fight it back. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw. Tears dripped down from his eyes onto his knees. “I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Hey,” Annette said gently. She slid down onto the floor beside him and pressed her shoulder to his. “Hey, you’re alright.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know why,” Felix gasped, forcing back sobs into strangled sounds in his throat. “I don’t know why but I did it. I did the worst thing I’ve ever done in my entire life to the people I love most. I don’t know <em>why</em>!”</p>
<p>“We’re going to figure it out, okay?” Annette reassured him. He shook with the effort of suppressing the urge to just howl at that, clenching his teeth and pressing both hands over his mouth.</p>
<p>She leaned against him and he couldn’t hold it back any longer. His shoulders heaved and a sound tore out of his throat and past his tightly pressed lips. As he ground his palms against his eyes, he felt tears slipping down regardless.</p>
<p>He cried into his hands until he felt weak and empty. His face was a mess of tears and snot and he was so dirty and his hair was greasy. Annette stayed beside him, rubbing his back.  </p>
<p>“I want you to know that Dimitri is alright. Sylvain too. We’re taking care of them as well,” Annette said after Felix had been quiet for a few moments. “They’re all safe.”</p>
<p>Felix let a few more tears slide down his face. He inhaled shakily through his mouth. A choked noise came from his throat.</p>
<p>“Can I stay here for a few days?” Annette asked. “I can take the couch.”</p>
<p>Felix nodded silently.</p>
<p>“I’m going to make you some food now,” she said, slowly standing up. “Well, I’m going to heat up some food. You don’t want me cooking in your kitchen.”</p>
<p>That wrung a surprised cough of half sob, half laughter from him, despite everything.</p>
<p>“Do you want to shower while I get it ready?” Annette asked. He could take the hint. He nodded and went to the bathroom.</p>
<p>His face was red and his eyes were swollen nearly shut when he glanced in the mirror.</p>
<p>After he had showered and put on different clothes at last, he felt slightly better. Annette had heated up some leftover rice and vegetables and she had poured him water to drink. He could barely look at her. They ate sitting on the couch, silently watching a reality competition show about singing.</p>
<p>The food helped. The water helped even more. Annette sat with him for a few hours like that and then she cleaned up the plates.</p>
<p>Felix peeked out of the window while she was in the kitchen. It was dark. No stars in the sky since it was the city.</p>
<p>But the world was still out there. Traffic roared along. People waited at the crosswalk. Someone was smoking on a balcony across from his window. Life carried on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix lived through another month. Annette stayed with him for the first week. She charged his phone, made him turn it on, deleted several messages from Sylvain that were nothing but hysterical sobbing apologies so he couldn’t masochistically replay them again and again.</p>
<p>When she finally went home, Felix went back to work. He worked a lot. It provided a brief respite from the silence of his apartment. In his free time, he listened to music. He beat a few video games. He bought a few new ones.</p>
<p>He texted his father to say that he couldn’t call him for a few weeks, but he was okay. He emailed his therapist and asked to make another appointment.</p>
<p>He went to the appointment, but he barely spoke.</p>
<p>Finally, after the disembodied voice had been asking him gently probing questions with more and more urgency for half an hour and he hadn’t said anything but the occasional yes or no, he reached out to the laptop.</p>
<p>He switched the camera on. His picture popped up in the corner.</p>
<p>Dark apartment. Messy hair and sloppy clothes. Red rimmed eyes and wet nose.</p>
<p>There he was, at last.</p>
<p>“It’s nice to see you Felix,” the disembodied voice said after a few moments. “Would you like me to turn on my camera?”</p>
<p>Felix just shook his head. Maybe someday.</p>
<p>Annette talked to him every day. He always replied. She was the only person he talked to now.</p>
<p>But slowly, he got better. The days got easier and he slept through the nights.</p>
<p>“Do you want to see anyone else?” Annette asked him over the phone after about a month. “People have asked to see you. Are you ready for that?”</p>
<p>“Why do they want to see me?” Felix mumbled in response.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure,” Annette said gently. “Closure? Forgiveness? Understanding? If you want to meet, I can set something up.”</p>
<p>“I want to make something better,” Felix sighed. “ But I don’t want to see anyone if it wouldn’t help them.”</p>
<p>“It’s better to try than to sit alone in your apartment forever,” Annette said with a smile in her voice. “You big grump.”</p>
<p>“Who wants to see me?” Felix asked.</p>
<p>“Basically everyone,” Annette shrugged. “But… you might start with Sylvain.”</p>
<p>Felix felt dread flood through him.</p>
<p>“I…” he started to say. “I guess I should.”</p>
<p>He went to Sylvain’s brownstone again the next weekend. Late summer was beginning to turn to fall. It was a welcome break from the heat.</p>
<p>Sylvain was sitting on the front steps when he arrived. He wore his financial advisor clothes, his button up shirt rolled to his elbows in the warmth. He nodded as he saw Felix approaching.</p>
<p>“Hey Felix,” he said. Same easygoing tone. Same always happy Sylvain.</p>
<p>Felix stood a few feet away on the sidewalk. He didn’t know how to start.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” he finally blurted out. “I’m sorry for what I did to you. I don’t expect forgiveness, but if there is anything I can do to… I guess, not to fix it… but anything I can do to help. Just ask.”</p>
<p>“I’ve already forgiven you,” Sylvain shook his head. “Takes two to tango, right?”</p>
<p>“I lied to you,” Felix insisted.</p>
<p>“We were drunk. We weren’t able to make good decisions,” Sylvain told him. He looked oddly reassuring. There was a stability to his manner that Felix hadn’t seen before. “I don’t blame you. You were hurting and I wasn’t the right person to help you.”</p>
<p>“Still,” Felix said. “You don’t have to forgive me. If it would be easier to never see me again, I swear, I will make it happen. I can leave the city. I can get a job anywhere.”</p>
<p>“You don’t get to decide whether I forgive you or not. I do. And I have,” Sylvain said bluntly. “Being your friend matters too much to me. I’m not gonna stop. If I have to chase you to another city, I will.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Felix said. He wrapped his arms around himself and stared down at his shoes.</p>
<p>“You wanna sit?” Sylvain asked after a moment. “I can get you a drink.”</p>
<p>“Definitely no,” Felix said sharply. Sylvain smiled.</p>
<p>“Of water,” he said with a quirk of an eyebrow. “I’ve actually been trying to clean up a bit too. I don’t think getting that fucked up is really going to be fun for me anymore.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Felix said, his face flushing.</p>
<p>“Ah, so, this is kinda the awkward part,” Sylvain said, ruffling his hair. “But I’m seeing someone.”</p>
<p>“What?” Felix asked, surprised into his old sharpness for a moment.</p>
<p>“In case you were like… well, I didn’t think you’d be hung up on me,” Sylvain laughed. “But yeah. So. Did you know that Ingrid kind of… liked me?”</p>
<p>Felix burst into laughter. He stopped himself quickly, but it was too much.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” he said at once. “It’s not funny. But yes. I knew.”</p>
<p>“Well, I didn’t,” Sylvain said with a shaky smile. “I have no idea why she does, but she likes me. I’m trying to be better for her. She deserves the best.”</p>
<p>“She really does,” Felix said. He cleared his throat. “And you are the best, Sylvain. I mean that. You are going to make her so happy.”</p>
<p>Sylvain bit his lip and nodded.</p>
<p>“I hope so,” he said after a moment. “Uh, not sure she’s going to forgive you so quickly, though. She’s pretty pissed.”</p>
<p>“She doesn’t have to, ever,” Felix rushed to say.</p>
<p>“I bet she will eventually,” Sylvain nodded. “But you’re gonna have to let her rip you a new one first. I’m serious, Felix, it will be scary. She will scream at you.”</p>
<p>“I’ll prepare myself,” Felix said.</p>
<p>“Once she’s done yelling, though, I think we’ll be alright,” Sylvain nodded. “Can’t just leave a friendship like ours behind. What can’t we survive at this point?”</p>
<p>Felix nodded. Sylvain held out his fist and they bumped knuckles.</p>
<p>On the way home he texted Annette.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Remind me to thank you every single day for the rest of my life.’ </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Awww Felix ya big softie! Stop embarrassing yourself. &lt;3 you!’ </em>
</p>
<p>He smiled at his phone.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Love you too Annette.’ </em>
</p>
<p>He waited a few more weeks before he saw Ingrid. He let her come to him.</p>
<p>She did indeed yell at him. She ranted and paced around his apartment and at one point he thought she might slap him.</p>
<p>Then eventually she started crying. He offered her a tissue and she jerked the box out of his hands.</p>
<p>When her tears had dried, he waited to see if there was anything more she had to say, but she seemed to have gone quiet.</p>
<p>“I heard you’re dating Sylvain,” he said eventually.</p>
<p>She looked at him with disgust and rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>“I’m happy for you,” Felix said. “I know how much you’ve done for him.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, asshole,” she said thickly. “No help from you, of course.”</p>
<p>He nodded.</p>
<p>“Thanks for yelling at me,” Felix said. Ingrid blew her nose loudly and wetly in defiance.</p>
<p>“Don’t enjoy this,” she snapped.</p>
<p>“I’m not,” Felix said. “I swear I am not. I’m so sorry, Ingrid. I know exactly how much of an asshole I’ve been. You never have to see my face again if you don’t want to.”</p>
<p>“Don’t think you’re getting off that easily,” Ingrid choked out and then pressed a hand to her mouth as more tears ran down her face.</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t dare,” Felix said. “You can yell at me every day for the rest of my life if you want to.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Ingrid said harshly. “I will.”</p>
<p>She sat in silence for a moment as she wiped at her eyes.</p>
<p>“Maybe in a couple more weeks,” she said with a large sniff. “I can yell at you over breakfast.”</p>
<p>“I’d love that,” Felix said, feeling like his chest was about to split open. “But you have to let me buy it.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Ingrid snapped. “Asshole. Of course you’ll buy it.”</p>
<p>Felix felt a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. She returned it.</p>
<p>Talking to Mercedes and Ashe again wasn’t as hard. They hadn’t been in the city and they didn’t have such close ties to the incident.</p>
<p>Honestly, Felix had always found Mercedes a bit hard to be around. She treated him so gently, he often thought, rushing around and picking up after him. But now it seemed more like what it was. Nice. She was just… nice to him. He was learning that he sometimes needed people to be nice and take care of him.</p>
<p>Apparently, she’d gone and lived with Dimitri for a week so Dedue could go to work. Felix didn’t ask about that much. She didn’t elaborate.</p>
<p>And with Ashe, all Felix had to do was being a willing ear to listen. Ashe never ran out of things to talk about. As long as Felix could restrain himself from bursting Ashe’s bubble of enthusiasm with some mean-spirited comment, they could talk for hours.</p>
<p>He was sticking it out with the PhD after all. Felix read one of his chapters and while he had no idea what most of it meant, he could tell it was good.</p>
<p>Annette only had to fight him on one occasion to get him to make amends. Felix was happily preparing for a clean break from ever speaking to his father again. This time, it wasn’t even something Rodrigue had done.</p>
<p>But the idea of telling his father what he’d done to Dimitri, Rodrigue’s favorite, nearly like a son to him…?</p>
<p>“Absolutely not,” he told Annette during their required weekly check-in.</p>
<p>“Felix,” Annette sighed. “Please. For me?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to,” Felix said sulkily.</p>
<p>“Felix, he calls me every week,” Annette admitted. “I can’t be your go-between forever.”</p>
<p>“Just ignore his calls, that usually works for me,” Felix said.</p>
<p>“You know I would understand cutting him out of your life,” Annette said shakily after a moment, “after everything with my dad. But do it for the right reasons.”</p>
<p>Felix cursed.</p>
<p>He called Rodrigue early in the morning. He couldn’t stop pacing around his apartment while the phone rang.</p>
<p>“Felix?” his father answered on the third ring, sounding breathless. Felix could hear the sounds of the hospital in the background. “I’m sorry, I’m at work, just give me a moment to get back to my office.”</p>
<p>Felix waited silently on the line until the background noise faded.</p>
<p>“I’m glad you called,” Rodrigue said after a few minutes. “Your friend Annette explained some of the situation to me, but…”</p>
<p>Felix took a breath, tried to speak, and found he couldn’t. He swallowed very hard.</p>
<p>“Are you still there?” his father said. He sounded very anxious. “Felix, please, I’m so sorry. I know I can’t be… I can’t be the person who helps you and protects you anymore. I’ve screwed that up. But I want to be. I want to be.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Felix managed to say roughly into the phone. He cleared his throat. Then he cleared it again.</p>
<p>“Is there something you were calling about, or…?” Rodrigue paused. “Do you need anything from me?”  </p>
<p>“I just…” Felix said hoarsely. “I just missed you, dad.”</p>
<p>He hung up before he heard his father’s response.</p>
<p>Then he put his phone away and sat quietly in the living room for a few minutes. He focused on his breathing. He concentrated on the space around him. Then he stood up and stretched, allowing the tension to leave his body.</p>
<p>And he felt a little better.</p>
<p>There was one person, though, Felix realized pretty quickly, that he was probably never going to consider a friend again. He understood why. He did not expect anything different.</p>
<p>Dedue would probably never forgive him. Dedue understood exactly the exten of what Felix had done and the damage he might have caused. There had been a tenuous trust between them once. Felix would never get that back, no matter what he did, ever.</p>
<p>And he was learning to be okay with it.</p>
<p>Somethings couldn’t be fixed. Sometimes a bowl gets smashed and all you can do is sweep it up, remove the sharp parts from the floor, and move on.</p>
<p>There was no point in begging Dedue to absolve him of his sins. He would accept that he had no power to change another person’s feelings and he would deal with the loss.</p>
<p>And that left Dimitri. Felix had no idea what to do about Dimitri. Felix had no idea how Dimitri would even react to seeing him. Annette had told him he was willing to meet, but Felix almost couldn’t believe it.</p>
<p>They hadn’t spoken at all in months. Felix had been the one to ask Annette if she could set something up, which meant that Dimitri was content to just never see him again. But Felix had to see him, at least one more time.</p>
<p>It scared him more than anything else. But it had to be done.</p>
<p>The night before they met, Felix was so anxious he couldn’t fall asleep. When he finally did, Dimitri was in his dreams. Dimitri was often in his dreams now. Sometimes he missed him so much, he woke with tears drying on his face. It was fucking awful.</p>
<p>But in the dreams, it was never awful. When he dreamed Dimitri, they were impossibly, illogically happy. That night, he dreamed about Dimitri by the lake, squinting at him lazily in the sunlight. He woke up gasping into his pillow with how much he missed him and how much he could never deserve to see him again.</p>
<p>When his alarm went off, Felix had been awake for several hours, lying in bed and trying to calm the storm of panic inside of him.</p>
<p>They met in the park. Neutral territory. The trees had turned a glorious orange and red. Leaves fluttered onto the paths and there was a slight nip in the air early in the morning.</p>
<p>Felix walked on rubbery legs to the bench where Dimitri usually started his runs. He held a cup of coffee in his hands, more so that he’d have something to do with them than anything else.</p>
<p>Dimitri was sitting on the bench. He was dressed like he was going for a jog. His hair was pulled back out of his face but for a few strands that had escaped and fell over his eyes. He looked tall and thin and sad, just as he always did. He was still beautiful.</p>
<p>But he also looked alive. He looked tired, but he was out of his apartment and he was functional. He was so damned strong. Felix stopped in his tracks for a moment, unable to move forward.</p>
<p>Then Dimitri looked over and spotted him. Held up a single hand in a gesture like a wave.</p>
<p>Felix had to at least try.</p>
<p>He sat down on the bench beside him.</p>
<p>“Hi,” he said after an awkward silence.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Dimitri said in response.</p>
<p>Felix let out a long shaky breath.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” he finally asked.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Dimitri said, nodding slowly.</p>
<p>“Good,” Felix said. “Um. So. I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“That’s all you’re going to say?” Dimitri asked when Felix didn’t elaborate.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Felix repeated. “I messed up everything. I did something so horrible to you, I don’t know how to live with it. And I can’t fix it. And I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Alright,” Dimitri said and then rubbed his face. “Do you want to try?”</p>
<p>“Try what?” Felix asked. His hands were shaking so badly he had to set the coffee cup on the ground before it spilled all over his fingers</p>
<p>“Try to fix it,” Dimitri clarified.</p>
<p>“I don’t know how,” Felix said, pressing his lips together.</p>
<p>“You could start by…” Dimitri took a deep breath and then rubbed his eye, brushing away the beginnings of a tear. “Explaining to me what happened. Like I asked you before.”</p>
<p>“I was a wreck,” Felix confessed. “And I didn’t tell you. I thought I was burdening you. I thought you’d feel guilty if I told you it was too much. I was stupid and wrong. It was too much. And so I didn’t tell you that I needed help. And I was so angry with myself, and I blamed myself for everything that was hurting you, and I couldn’t forgive myself for needing help. So I did something horrible. To prove that I was horrible.”</p>
<p>“Oh Felix,” Dimitri said, now unable to maintain his stoicism. “I wish you’d told me. I wish you’d said something.”</p>
<p>“I wish I did too,” Felix managed to whisper. He felt tears beginning to slide down his own face.</p>
<p>“Because that is what hurt... more than any stupid drunken mistake,” Dimitri continued. “That you wouldn’t talk to me. That you wouldn’t trust me. That you wouldn’t let me be someone who could also take care of you.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Felix nodded. He tried wipe his face clean. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>Dimitri shifted a little closer until their shoulders were touching. Felix pressed into his touch like he was starving for it.</p>
<p>“I ruined everything in my life,” he said and then a sob escaped his mouth. He pressed a hand over his lips to try to hold it back. “I ruined everything I loved.”</p>
<p>Dimitri laughed through his own tears.</p>
<p>“You don’t think I know exactly how that feels?”</p>
<p>Felix looked up at him. He knew his face was probably red and disgusting. Dimitri looked at him with worry and tenderness.</p>
<p>“Then maybe you understand how sorry I am,” Felix finally got out.</p>
<p>Dimitri said nothing. But they sat there together, shoulders still touching, until their tears began to dry. Felix scraped his sleeve over his face a few times. His nose still felt congested. He took deep breaths.</p>
<p>The sun was rising over the park and the city was growing louder. Soon there would be more people on the path walking dogs or running or heading to work.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to leave,” Felix finally confessed after about ten minutes of silence.</p>
<p>“I don’t either,” Dimitri said, closing his eyes. “Do you still…?”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Felix answered without needing the question asked. “Of course I still love you. I will love you for the rest of my life. You are the best part of me.”</p>
<p>“I still love you Felix,” Dimitri said softly. “You still make me better.”</p>
<p>They lapsed into silence again for a few minutes.</p>
<p>“So, what do we do?” Dimitri finally asked.</p>
<p>“Whatever you want,” Felix said quickly. “I’m trying to get help. I’m trying to let people in. But I need help to take care of myself sometimes. You should know that.”</p>
<p>“I want to know what you want,” Dimitri demanded. “Not what you feel honor-bound to do.”  </p>
<p>“I want you to be happy,” Felix said and then cursed as a few more tears started to slide down his face. Once he’d opened that valve again, apparently, they just never stopped. “So I will do whatever makes you happy. If you want me gone, I’ll go. If you want to try to be… friends or something, I can try.”</p>
<p>At the mention of friends, Dimitri’s face folded into an expression of misery. Felix kept talking.</p>
<p>“And if you would take me back, of course I want that. That’s all I want,” Felix finished.</p>
<p>Dimitri released a breath he’d been holding and then took a few gasps of air.</p>
<p>Then he grabbed Felix and hugged him so tightly Felix thought he might suffocate. It felt so good. It felt like everything he’d been needing for months and months.</p>
<p>Felix pressed his face against Dimitri’s neck. He smelled the same, a mix of sweat and the freshness of shampoo. He’d probably taken a shower that morning before coming. The idiot. The absolutely perfect and lovable idiot.</p>
<p>“Get a room!” a passing dogwalker yelled.</p>
<p>Felix flipped his middle finger in that direction.</p>
<p>Dimitri laughed and then pressed their foreheads together.</p>
<p>“Is this crazy?” he asked breathlessly.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Felix said. “Sure is.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dear Professor Byleth,</p>
<p>I hope this email finds you well. If I’m annoying you, feel free to ignore me. You email my boyfriend a lot, though, so it only seems fair. And thanks for the advice about cabins and lakes. I’ve been practicing my fishing a lot.</p>
<p>People say I need more time off. People say I need to be more careful with myself. And you said people need to take care of each other. So I am learning to fish and one day I will defeat you. Watch your back.</p>
<p>For some reason, I ended college with a major in Classics. Totally useless to me. I work at a gym now. Honestly, I can barely read Latin or Greek anymore. Pointless four years, basically.</p>
<p>Anyways, on the topic of reunions. The past year of my life has had a lot of them. Some people have a habit of coming back into your life. A person once asked me (a professional therapist asked me) why I wanted to have a reunion if I hate living in the past. I couldn’t really answer it at the time. I’m a sad repressed bastard, basically.</p>
<p>I’ve thought about it since then, though. I think I found the answer when reading over some comments you gave me on my senior thesis.</p>
<p>You might recall that I turned it in three days late. You gave me a B, but wrote that I had done excellent work. And then you added a comment in Latin that has haunted me to this day.</p>
<p><em>Tarde venientibus ossa</em>. To the late are left the bones.</p>
<p>So that sucks. Fuck your comment. My thesis was good and you gave me a B.</p>
<p>I have another Latin saying for you. Yes, I had to look it up. Don’t be pretentious.</p>
<p>
  <em>Potiusque sero quam numquam. </em>
</p>
<p>Better late than never, professor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this is the last official chapter, but I have an epilogue coming next because I was sad and wanted more self-indulgent wrap-up! Thanks for sticking with me if you've read all this way! @cyranonic on twitter if you wanna find me!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>‘Plans for this weekend?’ </em>
</p>
<p>Felix awoke to the sound of a message. His hand extended to the nightstand to read over the conversation on the thread. He felt his mouth twitch into a smile at the sight of the old group checking in once again.</p>
<p>Beside him he felt Dimitri shift, looping an arm around his waist and pulling him closer.</p>
<p>“I’m trying to read,” he complained without vitriol.</p>
<p>“I’ll fill you in,” Dimitri murmured into his shoulder. “Did you actually register for the event?”</p>
<p>“No,” Felix said, relenting and laying his phone down. “Not sure I need to see the campus I live a fifteen minute from for a hundred dollars and no open bar. Besides, you’re still banned.”</p>
<p>“Still, you should go if you’d have fun. It's the ten year reunion, after all,” Dimitri said. His voice was still soft and sleepy. “Sylvain and Ingrid are bringing the baby, I hear. And I have my thing that afternoon anyways.”</p>
<p>“Do you want me here for that?” Felix asked. “Or do you want some space?”</p>
<p>He felt Dimitri sigh where they were pressed together. Felix resisted the urge to snuggle closer to his chest. Dimitri had put on enough muscle and fat in the past few years that his embraces were something very close to heaven.</p>
<p>“I would like you there,” Dimitri finally said. “But if you aren’t ready to handle something that might be really hard, I will see if Dedue can come over.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be there,” Felix said firmly. “I feel steady this week. Al says I’m doing better at noticing my limits. Well, actually he made a pun about me ‘feeling myself’, but I won’t subject you to that.”</p>
<p>Dimitri snorted.</p>
<p>“I still can’t believe you’re on nickname basis with this therapist,” he said with a smile. “But I suppose that is good.”</p>
<p>“Saturday afternoon then,” Felix confirmed. “It’s a video call, right?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Dimitri nodded. “Ironically, while she will be in the city for the first time in years, I am still legally not allowed to contact her.”</p>
<p>“She’s contacting you this time,” Felix reminded him. “And no matter how it goes, we’re all going to be here and we’re celebrating on Sunday.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Dimitri said. Then he shifted and his tone brightened. “I’m looking forward to seeing the baby. And Mercedes is bringing her wife, right? The one no one has met but Annette?”</p>
<p>“She’s bringing Constance,” Felix confirmed. He sat up despite Dimitri’s mournful sound of protest. “And Ashe and Hapi will be back fresh from his book tour so that ought to be interesting. I hear they’re old friends.”</p>
<p>As he slid his feet to the floor of their apartment and opened the curtain to the let in the sun, Dimitri finally capitulated and followed him out of bed and into the kitchen. Coffee started in the pot. Felix cracked eggs over a pan.</p>
<p>He looked around the place as he threw breakfast together before work. It was presentable enough to host a party, he thought, although they really needed a few more chairs. Perhaps a trip to Ikea was in their future.</p>
<p>Still, he thought with faint amusement, if the version of him from five years ago could see the place, he’d be shocked to silence.</p>
<p>There were the paintings, of course, and the misshapen pottery Annette had gotten very into making during her residency as a demented form of stress relief. There were the shelves of books lined with souvenirs from Mercedes’ travels and Sylvain’s art shows. And there were the books themselves: Felix’s science fiction collection, and Dimitri’s massive reports from the law and policy institute he ran numbers for, and Ashe’s first novel proudly displayed.</p>
<p>There were the photos from Ingrid and Sylvain’s wedding, photos of Dimitri and Dedue on the roadtrip they’d taken in the mountains one summer, photos of Annette and Felix at a music festival, photos of the group clustered around a table for their final D&amp;D session where Kyphon had finally kissed Luna before she ascended to the celestial plane. There was an old photo of Glenn that Felix had kept when his old man had at last sold the house.</p>
<p>And there was the one framed photo Felix had assented to from the courthouse when he and Dimitri had signed their own marriage license. It was a ridiculous photo. Dimitri was beaming and Felix never knew how to smile on command so he was flushed bright red and looked totally overwhelmed.</p>
<p>On the windowsill, a tiny potted cactus was still alive and well.</p>
<p>“Ten years is weird, right?” Felix asked as he scrambled eggs. “I mean, why go to a ten year reunion? Everyone is too busy getting married or having kids or changing careers to actually come.”</p>
<p>“Felix, as we have discussed before, you often have a fundamental problem with the concept of nostalgia,” Dimitri said fondly as he grabbed his water bottle and filled it.</p>
<p>“I’m just saying,” Felix griped. “Ten years is the perfect amount of time for everyone to be on the brink of something. Ten years out of college you’ve either just destroyed your life or you’re pressing the accelerator right towards the cliff.”</p>
<p>“Then press the brakes,” Dimitri replied.</p>
<p>“It’s going to be nothing but posturing successful people pretending they’ve solved life’s mysteries at thirty-one,” Felix added scornfully.</p>
<p>“Ah, well, unfortunately I’ve been banned,” Dimitri said apologetically. “So I’ll never get to know life’s mysteries.”</p>
<p>Felix scowled but felt it turn reluctantly into a grin.</p>
<p>“Alright,” he said. “I confess. I’m just shitty in large social situations and I need excuses. And also, you know.”</p>
<p>“What do I know?” Dimitri asked as Felix finished with the eggs. Felix lowered his head a bit.</p>
<p>“You know that I’m worried about you meeting with her,” he said quietly.</p>
<p>Dimitri said nothing, but he enveloped Felix into a hug, pressing Felix’s face into his massively broad shoulder. This was the best thing Dimitri had learned to do in their years together. He had discovered an uncanny sense for when Felix just needed reassurance.</p>
<p>“Eggs getting cold,” Felix murmured after a moment. Dimitri let go and sat across from him at the table, blowing on his own mug of tea. It was just their usual, quiet morning routine. It still managed to be one of the best parts of his day.</p>
<p>Felix went to the gym and worked. He was thirty-one years old, he had not yet solved life’s mysteries, and he still worked at a gym, and that was fine. He liked what he did. To his own surprise, he really actually liked his life.</p>
<p>But he still worried. He still got defensive. He still lashed out sometimes when he felt like someone might take all of the things he cared about away.</p>
<p>Which was why he’d been working very hard for the past few weeks after a personal assistant to Edelgard von Hresvelg had reached out to Dimitri not to have another full-on personal crisis. Or at the very least, to make sure that everyone around him knew he might be having a crisis and to treat him accordingly.</p>
<p>It felt selfish, but he didn’t want Dimitri to meet with her. What did they have left to say to one another? What could an Adrestian congresswoman hope to gain from speaking to the man who once held a knife to her throat when they were students? Was this going to turn into some long-plotted revenge scheme? Dimitri had only very recently regained the rights to his personal finances; could she be after that?</p>
<p>Luckily, the morning before the meeting was a busy one for him anyways. A lot of old friends were in town. Ingrid and Sylvain were at a hotel juggling with the baby so Felix picked up bagels for all of them and brought it to their room. Annette arrived shortly after, nearly knocking the wind out of him with a hug. Even though she worked at a city hospital now, the reunion made it seem special.</p>
<p>“Dr. Dominic,” he greeted her with a nod and she drew herself up into a posture of great dignity.</p>
<p>“Mr. Fraldarius-Blaiddyd,” she addressed him back.</p>
<p>“You know we didn’t hyphenate the—” he began, but Sylvain cut him off.</p>
<p>“Felix! Bring Ingrid her bagel now or risk losing your life!”</p>
<p>The chaos kept him distracted for the next few hours before he headed home to watch Dimitri call Edelgard. After a bit of debate, they sat next to each other on the couch.</p>
<p>Felix felt stiff and awkward. He fiddled with the ring on his finger, wondering if Edelgard had done her research and expected his presence.</p>
<p>“You can still leave if this is too much,” Dimitri reminded him. He was wearing a button down he had to have ironed and black trousers pressed with a crisp seam down the leg. Felix caught a whiff of cologne even, which was absurd because this was a damned video call, but also he was not about to complain when he got to enjoy Dimitri like this. </p>
<p>“So can you,” Felix said. Dimitri smiled at that.</p>
<p>“Just try not to make me think about <em>The Parent Trap</em> this time,” he replied. </p>
<p>“You’ve done it to yourself,” Felix shook his head. “I can’t help you anymore.”</p>
<p>Just then the computer pinged and Dimitri hastily composed himself to answer the incoming call.</p>
<p>The image of what looked like a very expensive hotel room came into frame. A woman with unnaturally lightened hair was sitting at a desk, wearing a dark red suit over a black blouse. There was something hard and severe immediately apparent in her manner. Felix very deliberately unclenched his fists.</p>
<p>“Dimitri,” she said after a moment.</p>
<p>“Edelgard,” he said in return, sounding almost in awe of her.</p>
<p>“And this is your…?” she asked, eyes flicking down to where Felix must be on the screen.</p>
<p>“Husband,” Dimitri filled in. “Felix.”</p>
<p>“Hm,” Edelgard replied, sounding faintly interested but giving away nothing else.</p>
<p>“I am glad you asked to speak with me,” Dimitri finally said after the silence grew awkward. “I have many things I would like to say to you.”</p>
<p>“I don’t require any more apologies,” Edelgard said swiftly. “I heard enough of those at the settlement from your lawyers.”</p>
<p>“Still, I need to offer them as… as the person I am today,” Dimitri said urgently. “I am sorry. I am so truly sorry.”</p>
<p>“There is no need,” Edelgard said again. “I was unharmed and my life has not been so irrevocably changed. I did not contact you because my feelings are hurt.”</p>
<p>“Then… may I ask why you wished to speak to me?” Dimitri asked.</p>
<p>“I found myself…” Edelgard trailed off. Her unbreakable poise softened for a moment to something hazy and distant. “I found myself rereading your article with Claude recently. I am on the foreign affairs committee and after the hearings concerning various Agartha subsidiaries concluded, I was reminded of you.”</p>
<p>“I’m old news now,” Dimitri said with a slight excitement in his voice. “Actually, this may be the longest I’ve ever gone in my life without appearing in a tabloid.”</p>
<p>“Regardless, I wanted to inform you that more charges are forthcoming, particularly after the arrest and testimony of a certain physician who may have passed key information—” Edelgard began, but Dimitri interrupted her.</p>
<p>“El,” he said. Her brow furrowed at the nickname. “Why did you ask to call me? You could have sent an email if you wanted to give me information. You could have held a press conference and let me find out on my own. Why did you call me?”</p>
<p>“I—” Edelgard began. Then she shot a glare off camera. “My apologies. My campaign manager is interrupting.”</p>
<p>“Say hey to Hubert,” Felix added bluntly. He was still highly suspicious of this whole endeavor.</p>
<p>“Please, don’t go yet,” Dimitri said as Edelgard seemed to be preparing to make her excuse to go. “I would like to ask you one more thing. That summer camp. Performing arts. Do you truly not remember?”</p>
<p>Edelgard looked down at her hands for a moment. She clasped her fingers together very hard.</p>
<p>“I do not,” she finally said. Then after a moment she added. “Some parts of my life back then were very… unpleasant. I do not remember many things from those years.”</p>
<p>The admission coming from her was enough to make Felix’s stomach drop.</p>
<p>“I am so sorry,” Dimitri said. “I hope you don’t worry that I would resent you for that. My own brain has been a mess these past nineteen years.”</p>
<p>“Still, I am perfectly aware of your connection to Patricia,” Edelgard continued briskly. “And my own relationship to her. Perhaps I should have made more of an effort to reach out to you when we both attended the same college, but such matters appeared trivial when compared to my goals back then.”</p>
<p>“But they are not so trivial to you now?” Dimitri asked.</p>
<p>Edelgard glanced off-camera again to where Felix was absolutely certain Hubert was sitting and probably glaring in a manner as suspicious as Felix’s own stare. </p>
<p>“It is too late to do much,” Edelgard said firmly. “But I wanted to see… how you were. You seem well enough. For that I am glad.”</p>
<p>“Too late?” Dimitri mused. “Well, I suppose we have missed some time. But if you would ever like to chat again or… I don’t know, play a board game? Watch a movie? Whatever you’d like.”</p>
<p>“I keep a rather busy schedule, unfortunately,” Edelgard said. “And with the time zones, I fear it would be a burden.”</p>
<p>“Dimitri sleeps like a spooked horse,” Felix said. “Just call him whenever.”</p>
<p>“It is entirely up to you,” Dimitri hurriedly added. “I realize that I have no right to inflict myself upon you, legally or ethically. But I hope you call. If there is a future for you that includes me in some capacity, I hope you will consider it.” </p>
<p>Edelgard looked stoically into the camera for a few more moments.</p>
<p>“Perhaps then,” she said slowly. “I’ll have my assistant set something up.”</p>
<p>Dimitri breathed a sigh of relief.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>On that Sunday evening, their apartment was filled with people.</p>
<p>Dedue was there with a mountain of food as per usual. He and Dimitri caught up while Felix kept himself busy setting out drinks. Even five years later, he treated Dedue very carefully. Dedue deserved his best effort.</p>
<p>Annette arrived with Sylvain and Ingrid, all three of them hyper focused on the baby who was overstimulated and fussy. Mercedes brought, to Felix’s endless amusement, an entire fanny pack filled with CBD gummies. Her wife was an absolute riot of a woman who crowed with delight over her own jokes and broke out into song every time she heard something that reminded her of lyrics.</p>
<p>Ashe and Hapi were late, as always, but in the fashionable way of artistic types. Ashe was wearing one of his anime t-shirts again with a suave herringbone blazer thrown over top. Hapi was wearing a crop top and a scarf, which seemed suitable for exactly no weather condition. What a pair they made.</p>
<p>The apartment was crowded and Annette was delegating and sending Felix rushing around to set up a party game and a comfortable chair for the exhausted Ingrid and Sylvain and get the TV to display old photos she’d prepared as a slideshow.</p>
<p>Felix caught a glimpse of Dimitri being handed the baby, looking utterly terrified until the infant snuggled against his shoulder and suddenly Dimitri went totally soft. Felix felt a stab of panic as the realization that he might be of an age where a child was in his near future. Cat first, he told himself firmly. Trial run with the cat and then maybe… but it was too much to consider.</p>
<p>They played some sort of guessing game Annette had devised and then looked at some photos from their college days and even a few from before of surly highschool Felix and Annette during her adorable goth phase and Ashe with his siblings and Dimitri with his short-cropped hair and soccer uniform. Ingrid fell asleep in an armchair although she hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol and Sylvain woke her with extreme gentleness. </p>
<p>“See you in ten years again?” Sylvain jokes as he collected his things at the door. Ingrid sleepily found the energy to whack him while balancing an infant on her shoulder. She was a talented and dangerous woman.</p>
<p>“Don’t tease!” Annette commanded him. “We’ll all be together sooner than that.”</p>
<p>“Now that the book is out, I should have some money to travel,” Ashe piped up. “Fun travel, that is!”</p>
<p>“Oh, that would be lovely,” Mercedes sighed. “I do miss you all, even though you’ve all blossomed into such incredible people.”</p>
<p>“Enough of that,” Felix grumbled. “We’re all still… you know.”</p>
<p>“Figuring it out?” Dimitri suggested. Felix nodded stiffly.</p>
<p>“Don’t sell yourself short, Fe,” Sylvain said. Ingrid yawned very pointedly at him. “Hey, I’m just saying, we’ve all come a long way, even if it isn’t always perfect.”</p>
<p>“Very inspiring,” Ingrid said tenderly, kissing his cheek. Sylvain softened. “But if you do not let me go to bed this instant I will sleep on the floor and Dimitri and Felix will have no space in their house to gaze longingly at one another.”</p>
<p>“Oh, just one big hug before we go then?” Annette burst out with. Even Ingrid relented to that.</p>
<p>When the crowd finally made it out of the door, Dedue hung back for a moment. Felix nodded to him and then started to bow out of the room so that he could speak to Dimitri privately.</p>
<p>“Stay,” Dedue said before he could leave. “How was the business with Edelgard?”</p>
<p>Felix glanced uncomfortably to Dimitri.</p>
<p>“Seemed alright,” Felix said neutrally. “She wasn’t hostile.”</p>
<p>“She offered to speak with me again which is… encouraging,” Dimitri added. “Legally, I’m not sure what would be acceptable, but I will allow her to take the lead and see.”</p>
<p>“Be careful,” Dedue said. There was a slight ache to his voice.</p>
<p>Dimitri pulled him into a brief hug. It was odd to see a man as tall and powerfully built as Dedue look suddenly small, although he had a few inches on Dimitri.</p>
<p>“I will be,” Dimitri promised. “Be careful with yourself as well.”</p>
<p>Dedue’s brow creased in alarm.</p>
<p>“Please, do not worry about—”</p>
<p>“You know why he worries,” Felix said. The words spilled out before he could think better of them. He held his breath. Things were always fragile between him and Dedue.</p>
<p>But Dedue slowly nodded. Then he smiled in his very small way.</p>
<p>“Alright then,” he said. “I will see you both next weekend for dinner.”</p>
<p>As he left, his shoulders didn’t seem quite so tight. Felix watched him leave and hoped very hard that Dedue never forgot how much Dimitri wanted to take care of him in return. </p>
<p>Then Felix and Dimitri were left alone to sift through the trash and put the apartment back into some semblance of order.</p>
<p>Dimitri kept yawning as he dumped liquid out of cups by the dishwasher and Felix felt very much the same. They were so fucking old. It was barely after midnight.</p>
<p>“How did you feel about the party?” Dimitri asked as Felix finished wiping down the countertops. Felix took a moment to carefully consider.</p>
<p>“It was a good night,” he finally said. “I wish we could see our friends more often, so I guess I feel sort of sad that it’s over. And I keep thinking about Edelgard. I’ll get back to you on how I feel about her. Right now, I’m just defensive about it.”</p>
<p>“Take your time,” Dimitri said earnestly. “I know she is not any easy person to trust considering our history. But I think… well, it sounds condescending, but she seems like she might be a little lonely herself. I am so intimately familiar with the feeling that I cannot help but hope she will reach out again.”</p>
<p>“And you’re happy about it? You want this? It’s not just your guilt or something?” Felix asked. Dimitri nodded and then slumped onto the couch with a yawn.</p>
<p>“I’m happy she might want to try to let me into her life,” Dimitri said sleepily. Felix sighed but Dimitri patted the couch beside him insistently and so Felix sat down and let himself be dragged close. Dimitri pressed his mouth onto the top of Felix’s head as he kept talking. “I’m always happy to have people who will keep coming back to me.”</p>
<p>Felix felt a bit like he was melting at that.</p>
<p>“You’re getting sentimental,” he murmured back, but he relaxed into Dimitri’s embrace.</p>
<p>“It’s my ten-year reunion,” Dimitri whispered. “I think I’m allowed that.”</p>
<p>Felix was quiet for a few minutes after that. There was something he wanted to say percolating inside of him, but he needed a few moments to find the words.</p>
<p>“You chose to… come back to us… as well…” Felix finally gritted out. “And I know it is terrifying. I understand now how hard it is to… to look back at your own mistakes. I used to think you lived in the past, but now you… face it… make it right… heal the broken parts. That’s fucking… hard.”</p>
<p>“Hey now,” Dimitri said gently.</p>
<p>Felix realized that his eyes were a bit wet. It mattered less to him these days. He just wished his nose didn’t run so much when he cried. He could deal with the embarrassment, but did emotions have to make him so literally disgusting? </p>
<p>“I’m good, I swear,” Felix said. He sniffed very hard. “Stupid that this happens when I’m not sad.”</p>
<p>Dimitri kissed each of his cheeks tenderly, then his mouth.</p>
<p>“I love your happy tears,” Dimitri said.</p>
<p>“Glad one of us does,” Felix grumbled back.</p>
<p>“Let’s take a trip,” Dimitri suddenly said. “Let’s rent a place on the beach and invite our friends to join us. I want to see you at the ocean again.”</p>
<p>“What is this about?” Felix asked suspiciously. Dimitri didn’t seem manic or hysterical right now, although his eye was shining with a particular glint.</p>
<p>“I guess I’m just…” Dimitri thinks for a moment. “I’m excited about my life. It’s a somewhat… new feeling. I know you know this, but for many, many years I did not envision myself getting to grow old. And so I want to be thirty and then even older and go to the beach.”</p>
<p>“What if there are crowds? Or what if something happens and we’re away from home and it’s bad?” Felix asked although it pained him to do it.</p>
<p>“That could happen,” Dimitri nodded. “I’d like to try.”</p>
<p>“What if everyone else is busy?” Felix asked, now voicing a worry that had been eating away at him for the preceding few months. “What if they can’t make it because they have their own happy lives now? What if we grow apart?”</p>
<p>“Then we’ll grow back together,” Dimitri said firmly, “like we did. Love lets people come back to us. It stays dormant, but with a little effort, it grows back.” </p>
<p>He was using his speech and debate voice, that slightly soaring tone Felix had always found simultaneously obnoxious and endearing. He probably didn’t even realize he was doing it.</p>
<p>“I guess what you’re saying then…” Felix said slowly. “Is that Love Never Dies?”</p>
<p>Dimitri smiled, then his face froze. His eye went wide.</p>
<p>“How… dare you,” he said with horror. “How dare you take this beautiful moment from me by bringing up that… musical abomination, yet again!”</p>
<p>Felix cracked up as Dimitri tried to shove him away.</p>
<p>“Years, Felix, years! I thought I was safe from that twisted joke and now you spring it on me at a moment like this!” Dimitri lamented.</p>
<p>“Maybe you’ll forgive me again,” Felix said through his laughter. Dimitri sighed very deeply.</p>
<p>“I suppose I must,” he said, “you are rather beloved to me at this point. I should hate to throw you out over a single joke.”</p>
<p>“Mmm, then let me prove my value to you.”</p>
<p>“Felix, ah, it’s not a competition!”</p>
<p>“Stop talking.”</p>
<p>“Oh. <em>Oh</em>.”</p>
<p>“Love you, idiot.”</p>
<p>“I love you too.”</p>
<p>“Sorry I said idiot. I do love you. Really.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Some old line of a dead language floated through his mind again--<em>cedamus: leve fit, quod bene fertur, onus.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading! check out Ovid, Amores 1.2 for the last line if you're hype for latin love poetry. @cyranonic on Twitter if you wanna chat.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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